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Prof. Bobby Bourbon Online
Mad Scientist



XWF FanBase:
The 'cool' kliq fans

(booed by casual fans; opportunistic; often plays dirty while setting the trends)


#1
04-23-2021, 04:28 PM




Come with us now and be whisked away to an island of mystery and intrigue!

And a polar bear. Bare with me, actually, I've never watched...

LOST

The Skipper and Gilly are seen walking through the jungle.

Well, lil' buddy, that was a great meal Ghinger prepared for us.

I fucking know, Skipper! Roast wild boar in wild-grown herbs, you can't get that kind of stuff in most five-star restaurants!

You know it! Now we just have to explore the island for a while, hopefully, find some way to get out of here since that dopey Profess-Cent keeps insisting we monitor how mosquitoes reproduce.

Well, I guess everyone needs a hobby...

As Gilly says this, Profess-Cent and Banana Li-Maryanne come upon the twosome in the Jungle.

Skipper! Gilligan!

Please, it's Gilly.

Guys, me and Banana Li-Maryanne are hot on the trail of some hot mosquito-on-mosquito action. The lusty moves of the mosquito are fascinating.

Gosh, Profess-Cent, I thought this was for science!

Uh, hrmm, yeah, of course. The lusty moves of the mosquito are science! I don't find being a blood sucking insect sexy at all.

Skipper and Gilly glance at each other, then back at Profess-Cent, who is dreamily licking his lips, taking a step back and away from him. As they do, both men are taken by surprise.

Oops!

Hey!

Both Gilly and the Skipper stop, having bumped into someone. They both turn and look upon none other than Jaleel White, the one and only Steve Urkel from Family Matters.

Did I do that?

Profess-Cent laughs hysterically.

Steve Urkel! What are you doing here?

My name is Jaleel White. Well, I was coming here to cultivate more of my Purple Urkel strain of marijuana, and my helicopter ran out of gas! While flying around the island I saw something. Right over that giant hill is a lagoon with a waterfall. Have you seen it?

No. Gilly, get ready! Me, you, Jaleel White, and Ghinger are going to go to the lagoon and check it out!

Okay, Skipper! I’ll go get her and we can head out.

Gilly doesn't move for a moment. Until Skipper’s face turns beet red, a sign of alcoholism, and takes off his hat. At that point, Gilly scurries away. Once Gilly retrieved Ghinger, the four set out on a journey to get to the lagoon. Mrs. Moneybags phone has died and she's grumpy. Mr. Moneybags has been bugging Profess-Cent about making something to charge it with. None of this bothers Process-Cent though. He’s too busy watching mosquitos having sexual intercourse. Banana Li-Maryanne looks bored, but you can see in her eyes, and body language. That she’s jealous of the mosquitos. The scene fades to the exploration team at the lagoon.

Well, we made it.

The group hears a noise off in the distance that sounded like growling.

What was that?

At that moment across the way, a giant polar bear comes hurling out of the jungle but there is still a large distance between it and our party. However, that distance is closing.

Gilly give me the flare gun!

Gilly quickly gets into the bag and puts out the flare gun and hands it to the Skipper. The Skipper fires the only shot and it veers to the left. Missing the bear entirely.

I should have had the gun!

Maybe, lil buddy!

Jaleel runs towards the giant polar bear with a machete. Jaleel lunges forward to try and stab the beast but the giant polar bear slashes him with his large front paw and bites off Jaleel’s arm. Thus killing him instantly.

This is it, Gilly! Are you ready?

Gilly nods to the Skipper and winks.

The giant polar bear charges forward and slashes at the Skipper he maneuvers in such a way as to evade the giant's paw and with the bear's forward momentum the Skipper grabs him up vertically. A fallen tree nearby is being held at a 30-degree angle by another tree. Gilly sees this, runs up it, and jumps off, to grab the bear's left ankle thus delivering a lethal…



RAINBOW LASER DEATH SEQUENCE!!!



The bear's lifeless body crashes to the ground.

You okay Ghinger?

Ghinger?

Unbeknownst to Gilly and the Skipper, Ghinger had run up the same 30-degree angled tree to land...



On The Rocks!!! (Corkscrew shooting star press)




Gilly and the Skipper stand in silence for a moment. Ghinger gets to her feet when she notices Jaleel’s arm stuck between the bear's teeth.

What’s this?

In Jaleel’s hand was a piece of tanned paper. The skipper takes a look, points at it so Gilly looks.

IT’S A MAP!


[Image: 36045fb4fd20e9829734a5f86af37218.jpg]



We have to get this back to Profess-Cent, ASAP. Maybe he knows that this map could be for!

That is if he's done jerking off to mosquito's fucking.

Yeah, that poor girl.


The show fades to black.





Fuck’em, Bobby! Let’s shed a little light on these mother fuckers, yeah? These two goddamn assholes think they're better than everyone else, right? Let’s just point out a few times where Mr. Nice Guy, Centurion, took it upon himself to be a downright dick head, and yet he still acts like a good guy. Sure.


Thunder Knuckles gives his signature gesture that implies jerking-off.


Did you know this fucking dickless wonder cut off an immigrant's fucking hand? After blindsiding him and tying him down to a chair not even giving the man a fighting chance. Yeah, real fucking “good”. Don’t like what you’re hearing? Think this is a goddamn one-off? Fuck no. That’s not the fucking case. He also cheated to win when faced with someone nicer than him, at the time. Yep, when you’re out good guyed you turn sour, eh, Cent? Vita was in an arm-wrestling match and this piece of shit sucker-punched her in the face to gain an advantage. I know, I know, this is all old news. Yeah, you’re fucking right, but you know what isn’t old news? The fact he killed a man who didn’t fit into his goddamn political agenda. That’s fucking Hitler shit. You’re all rooting for Hitler. Good job! If you don’t know how BOB feels about Hitler I’ll remind you.


[Image: unnamed.jpg]



These two fucks want you to believe they're here to stop “the bad guys” if that was the case they’d be taking themselves out of the fucking match. Unlike these goddamn fake-ass snakes What you see is what you get with Them No Good Bastards. We don’t fucking sugar coat it. We'll tell you exactly what you don’t want to hear. We’re here for one reason and one reason only. We’re the fucking best. Period. End of fucking story. That's why we hold these.

TK and Bobby Bourbon both hold up their respective Tag Title and clack them together like beers, without looking over at each other.

Ruby? This bitch is a lie too! If she wasn't she wouldn't be with modern day Hitler. Seriously though, fucking think about it BOB has existed what a year? What has the superhero done to fucking stop us? Not a fucking thing she prances around doing like spinning like backflips and tries to censor the American people. Yeah fits right in with Hitler's fucking youth Centurion doesn't she. What do you think I'm fucking lying or something? Think Ol’ Thunder Knuckles is making this up to just tear down the good name of fucking Ruby? Gimme a fucking break. This bitch thinks taking away your freedoms is heroic. She sits on her high and fucking mighty throne of lies while preaching if you curse your bad fucking people. Shut the fuck up, Ruby! My great-great-grandfather died for me to tell you fuck straight off. and that's exactly what I plan to do!

TK smirks before continuing.

But not before I explain to you exactly what we plan to do to you in the ring. Yep. You took a match that going to get you goddamn hurt before you defend that belt to Miss Fury, This is BOB's opportunity to work your fucking shoulder, your fucking neck, and you're goddamn abs. I'm personally going to beat down all those bits to make Fury's job, come Leap of Faith, that much goddamn easier. All for when she applies her fucking black widow on your scared little ass. Do you think we're not thinking that far in advance? I mean, if that's the case.

TK's smirk is now a full blow smile.

You haven't paid attention to your own goddamn story. Good guys? Fuck off with that bullshit.

Thunder Knuckles waves off Ruby like a fly.

The superhero and the fucking part-timer want a shot at these belts? Sure. Why the fuck not? I mean, the teams that matter held a tag team turmoil match to decide who gets to face us, Bobby. So what? We have to beat another MorbidMind, big fucking deal. Won't be the first, or last, line steppers we face. You can count on that, goddamnit.

CentRuben, you're fucking with the hottest team in XWF and soon to be the greatest Tag Team Champions EVER! Without fucking question. Once we fuck up you, go to Leap of Faith and fuck up The Dysfunctionals. Do you think we're done? Yeah, in your wildest fucking dreams. We're looking for real competition. This brings me to fucking Alias.


TK pauses and looks back into a side camera.

I know you held that Xtreme Title long enough to get a shot at us. Don't think Jimmy hasn't been blowing up my phone for two weeks.

TK phone is ringing. He picks it up and puts it on speakerphone for everyone to hear.

Thunder Knuckles! Look, it's Jimmy! DON'T HANG UP! ALIA-

TK hangs up the phone then puts it on do not disturb.

See, that asshole just won't shut the fuck up about it. No matter how many times Ol Thunder Knuckles Ignores him. I swear to god! Anyway, after King BOB takes care of you. We have no problem giving you a match. Name the fucking time and goddamn place. Them No Good Bastards aren’t hard to find. Plus it's not like you went up against murders fucking row on your way to that case, is it? The toughest test stands right in front of you, don't choke.

TK looks back into the hard camera.

Well, Bobby, I set the plates and silverware. Time to eat!

Bobby blinks hard and exhales sharply from his nose.

Oh shit, put on your Sunday finest, wash your hands, and sit on down, we’re dishing up Centurion and Ruby like they were surf and turf. Dead fucking meat.

Centurion, as my partner pointed out, is a dickhead.

But, to be fair, so are me and TK.

So, I can’t hold that to Centurion.

I will say it’ll be nice to get my hands on Cent again, since the last time we were in the ring together, the Engineer came and helped him keep the Hart Championship in a glass cage match. Shit, I had the match, lock, stock, and barrel at that point, but you won’t hear Cent argue that I was screwed, that I deserved a rematch, you’ll just hear him harp about how he beat me there. Hollow victories are victories, after all.

Thing is, that’s exactly why I was eager to face the dude again. Since the Engineer is, well, back deep within the recesses of Corey Smith’s mind, and I have the ultimate insurance policy that is B.O.B., there’s nary a soul that’ll come and cost me or my partner a match.

The only question I have is why in the blue fuck did Centurion decide to leave the XWF and continue to chase mediocrity?

Here’s a man who earned a Universal Championship opportunity, lost, and then immediately went elsewhere to chase their second or third place trophies instead of pressing. Instead of working. Instead of stepping up his game.

Us No Good Bastards lost our first shot at the Tag Team Championships. We didn’t shrug, leave, and go after less. That’d be like a surgeon being turned down to head a department and then going and getting a job at a gas station. That’s Centurion, right there folks. He didn’t win the big gold, so he settled on slinging cigarettes, lottery tickets, and condoms to folks coming and going along the road. That’s Centurion’s comfort zone; why actually be great when you can tell people you are? Better for him to be the best corn dog at the carnival than the filet mignon you need reservations for.

So, after barely, barely squeaking by Diesel after being fed a lame duck War Horse in back to back Pay Per View matches as important to wrestling as urinal cakes during said piss break opportunities, fans in attendance, their bladders relieved, were able to comfortably sit and have their fucking socks rocked off by a tandem performance so unbelievable and incredible it has to be seen, the violent musings of Them No Good Bastards.

You know why people call you boring, Centurion? Because for as long as you’ve done this, the end result is always the same for you; second rate, lower tier, I’m amazing at being mediocre. It’s not that you’re necessarily dull or lacklustre, but you sure as fuck don’t shine.

Tepid be thy name.

This, however, brings me to the other half of High and Mighty, the member of the team that sticks around just to elevate the name of Centurion, Ruby.

Darlin’, you got about as much meat on you as a spear of asparagus and you’re just as sharp.

That’s not to say you aren’t something dangerous in the ring. I can respect that. You play clean, but what you do between the ropes can be downright filthy to whatever poor victim you make on any given Thursday night.

Thing is, my partner and I are doubly dangerous and far more filthy.

See these?


Bobby holds up his half of the Tag Team Championship belts. TK does the same.

These are proof positive of that. We have been busy showing people what a role-model actually is.

It’s not pontificating pointlessly purely for presence. We don’t define ourselves by some message, some ethos, no. We aren’t telling anybody that they need to say their prayers, take their vitamins, eat their vegetables, look twice before crossing the street, or follow any other kind of arbitrary way of living. Hero to scumbag, there’s only one way to get results in this business, you know it, we know it, and the people fucking know it.

Blood.

Sweat.

Tears.

Work ethic is the only ethical question we will answer, and we’re the hardest working men in wrestling. We don’t rely on insisting how great we are, we put in the hours, we plan as best we can but stay ready for any kind of adversity that can try to tamper with our desired outcome. We don’t act like it’s our destiny to be Tag Champs, little girl, we fucking went out and carved a destiny out of the flesh and bone of any team that was put in front of us.

Ultimately, what you and your partner want to do is follow in OUR footsteps. Live by OUR example.

The hitch of that is neither of you will, not to say you can’t, you just haven’t and won’t. And why the fuck would you? After all, Centurion is a legend, Ruby is a huge name on Anarchy, you’ve each found your niche, grabbed a blankie and a book, settled into those ruts, and embraced the comforts of being lauded someplace simple instead of stepping the fuck up and taking matters into your own hands, tapping into something deep and difficult to find, ruthlessly, relentlessly, and rapaciously, until you find yourself coated with the blood of your enemies covering your own wounds.

We elevated B.O.B. from whimsical fuckery to most dominant fucking force in the XWF today. We didn’t step over anyone to do that, we ran through people. I don’t have to point out the people we’ve taken down to get here, the people know, the office knows, you know.

How has y’alls year panned out?

Point out who you beat, where, and how. That doesn’t matter, not come MAYDAY! Nah. After we put you both down, you’ll go back to your comfort zones.

Centurion off chasing a spot on the middle floor of some other company and Ruby chasing bad guys, the both of you settling back into those self-serving spots of self contentment because being more was just too hard for you.

TK!


Yeah, Bobby?

You got anything else to say about these Nerf guns?

Nerf guns?

Yeah, they look cool, they fly off of shelves for all the little kiddos, but when their best shot hits you it falls to the ground and gets lost in the yard.

Seriously, guys, kinda hard to take you both seriously as high and mighty, as great, from the top of the mountain. The only people believing you have anything enlightening to say is y’all.

If you really think the Tag Team Championships are an underling’s reward, it’s no surprise the both of you are so interested in holding them. The problem with that is we’re not done taking these titles to the stratosphere.


Fuck no! I think we pretty much nailed them for who they are.

Thunder Knuckles and Bobby Bourbon look ready for MayDay as they clack their World Tag Team Championships together.

[Image: DtUCPfZ.png]
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