“Where the fuck am I?!?!”

Charlie Nickles stands on a small island inside of a lake of lava. Charlie Nickles looks around, but all he sees is the infernal pool surrounded by mountains so large they rival the rockies. Suddenly, two portals appeared on the desolate island Charlie found himself stranded on. A blue portal opened on the other side of the island from a red portal.

Thunder Knuckles walked out of the red portal. Charlie scowled at TK as soon as he saw him. TK didn’t seem all that happy to see Charlie either. TK walked towards the blue portal as the two exchanged quips.

“Hey, fuck you piece of shit! I oughta pin you right here! Where would I be pinning you if I went up four-oh on you right now, bitch?!”

“Hey, fuck you Chokey Nipples! You’re going to hell, too? I did that shit months ago! Stop jacking my style!”

“I’m the better TV champ than you!”

“No fuck that I’m the better TV champ!”

TK walked through the blue portal and disappeared after firing back at Charlie’s retort. The blue portal evaporated into air as soon as TK stepped through it.


“Fucking prick.”


Charlie looked back at the red portal on the other side of the island. Charlie shrugged. He walked through the red portal in search of an exit from this pool of lava.



"CHARLIE NICKLES! JUST THE MAN I WANTED TO SEE! SPREAD THOSE LEGS BECAUSE YOUR ASS IS MINE NOW, BITCH!"

Charlie walked into a small room with Satan. Charlie looked down as he stepped into the ankle high mud that covered the room. Charlie looked up as a piece of bile dripped onto his head. As Charlie looked up he saw that the ceiling was sporadically leaking disgustingly thick yellow goo. A piece of the goo dripped onto Charlie’s eye. He wiped the yuck away as he looked around the room. There was a leather couch and a smart television hung up on the wall. Aside from those two fixtures the room was empty. Charlie looked back at Satan with great distress.

“WHERE THE FUCK AM I?!”

“You’re in hell, Charlie! Demos finally killed you! That sick son of soulcrafter has been sending me sinners by the dozen! You’re our latest arrival, but I’ve been looking forward to having you for a looong, loooooooong time Charlie!”

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!”

“You’re dead and your soul is mine now, bitch! That dirty dog Demos ran you down on the streets of Montero, finally cleansing you from his mind! And since you lived since a sinful and nasty life, Charlie Nickles, you’ve find yourself damned to hell!”

“Fucking shit! I always meant to make it up with God right before I kicked the bucket…”

“But you didn’t!”

“Shit.”

Charlie looked down at the muddy floor with regret as yellow gloop slopped down onto his back. Charlie ‘ewwed’ as he stepped forward. Satan gestured for Charlie to take a seat on the couch facing the television.

“Take a seat, Charlie! You’re here for a long, long time!”

“Hell’s forever, right?”

“Well, we’ll see about that one, won’t we?”

Charlie looked at Satan with a confused expression but Satan played it off. Satan snapped his fingers as the television screen suddenly came to life.

“Sit down, Charlie! Your first night in hell is the hardest.”

Charlie sized up the devil.

“And what if I don’t sit down?”

“Then I call in my hounds of hell and they eat your ass until you’re nothing but bone, then they’ll crunch on your bones like chewtoys for a couple of decades.”

Charlie gulped as he slowly made his way to the couch, as if to demonstrate that he wasn’t panicked, and that it was in fact ‘his choice’ to sit down on Satan’s couch. Charlie plopped himself down at the couch as he looked casually at the devil. Satan gestured for Charlie to look at the television.

“For your first punishment, you’re going to watch all the shitty promotional material the XWF has released to hype up the tag team turmoil match that YOU’RE not going to be a part of!”

“Fuck!”

Charlie looked towards the television as the first clip began to roll.

“I heard this one almost got the XWF banned from reddit. It’s called The Whorigin of Eobard’s Bone Part 1: Betrayal.”





Charlie Nickles watches in a mix of shock and horror as Eobard Stone simulates gangrape to hype up his XWF debut. Satan cackles and coos the whole time.

“This can’t be real!”

“It isn’t!”

“Oh that’s a relief. I knew the limp wristed idiots in XWF creative wouldn’t release something like this just because I stopped telling them what to do.”

“Oh no, this is a real XWF promo all right! It’s just all an act! A simulated BDSM scene in order to get Eobard Bone over with a whole new group of XWF fans! If Jim Cornette thought Sonny Kiss was pushing the boundaries, just wait til he sees this! He’s going to have a heart attack! I can’t wait to meet him!”

“No! No! This can’t be real!”

“It is!”

Satan laughed as he delighted in Charlie’s misery. Charlie tucked his head into his hands as he reflected on what his absence has allowed the XWF to become.

“Wrestling? WRESTLING? Eobard wants to be a wrestler?! You don’t cut promos like that if you’ve got the chops to make it as a wrestler!

Eobard, you little tight end turned wide receiver, your busted ass oughta moved to baseball the way you played catcher for your teammates in that studio production!
Oh man, what is the Demos going to do when he sees you? Demos HATES sexual freedom and liberty! He calls it all degeneracy! He’s going to string you up and drag your corpse all around the ringside just to show the women that they should be making honest livings!”

Charlie turned to Satan with a pleading look in his eye.

“Oh please great dark one, when Demos kills Eobard don’t make me sit next to him! I don’t want him laying a move on me! I’d beat his ass, but I think he’d probably want that more than anything!”

Satan cackled merrily as Charlie grew increasingly incensed at his situation.

“We’ll just have to see about that, Charlie! Now pay attention to the screen.”

Satan gestures for Charlie to look back at the television screen as it changes to a scene from one of the Left Hand’s most recent torture porns. Charlie cringed the whole way through the promo. He was barely able to stomach what he saw.

“I knew I was a sick fuck back when I was on earth, but those two are REALLY nasty! Whatever step-sibling fantasy those two are living out, it needs to end NOW. Are you really going to make me watch every fucking snuff film they put out? You really are a fucking prick, you know that, Satan? These two leave absolutely nothing to the imagination. They put it all out there to display, everything of note they think they do, every act of brutality. But of course they never tell us about their secret little deal with Step-Daddy Baphomet. Why? Because there is no meat on those bones!

These two gullible fucking cockwhores might as well sign up for the next XWF video shoot with Eobard. Honestly, Marf and Lycana have slobbered on more knob for XWF TV than Eobard ever could! For fucking months they were stroking the shaft of the Baph as Lycana gargled his unwashed balls and Marf sounded the tip with his tongue. But when it came time to bend over for the Baphomet, Marf could only ever dream of getting taken for a ride.

For damn near half a year you two Dysenteryists took so much Baph dick that you couldn't even shoot a damn promo without spitting his name out. It always 'Baphomet's so great, Baphomet's has a plan, bow to the Baphomet'. Jesus Fucking Christ, if I have to hear you lot choke on his namesake one more time I might just blow my brains out. Wonder where that'll take me?

It's bout time you to got over that absent stepfather. All it took was for him to walk out on you! Does it hurt your feelings knowing that he left you two here? He left the left hand! But he didn't leave all of you, did he? Oh no. He took all of his favorite XWF let handers with him! Geri Vayden isn't here anymore. Know why? Because she tickled the Baphomet's fancy just a bit more than you two did. It makes sense. Geri and Lycana are carbon copies of each other, they're both goth sluts that loved Baphomet! But he only loved one of them back. He loved the one that held championship gold. That's fair, isn't it, Lycana? He didn't have faith in you to win gold with him on his travels, so he took a trophy whore he knew he could count on. I mean fuck, you can barely win a damn match, what makes you think you could ever win a championship?!

Lycana: if Baphomet doesn't trust you to win championship gold for him, why should any of us trust you to win championship gold for yourself? You've always worked harder for the Baphomet than you did for yourself. You needed that neglectful and emotionally distant DaddyDom figure in your life to give you a direction, to give you a sense of purpose. Even though you like to dress up all tight in your leather corset and lay the whip down on some poor sob, you needed your DaddyDom to make you really feel at peace in your own skin.

And now he's gone. And you're fucked when you fight the Demos! AGAIN! Just like when your pretty face met the entrance ramp on Savage and just like when your buddy's back met the floor on Warfare!

But Lycana's not the only naughty handjobber the Baphomet left in his trash bin when he fled the XWF....Marf's there too! And...what's that on the belt? Is that...."

Charlie leaned in close as he tried to get a good view of the TV screen showing Marf's championship belt hoisted up on his shoulder. Satan grinned as Charlie covered his mouth with his left hand. His cheeks expanded rapidly as he was barely able to hold back the vomit.

"YES! IT IS! IT IS THE BAPHOMET'S CUM ON THE TV BELT!"

"He let the Baphomet cum on the belt before he left?!?!"

"HAHAHA YEAH!"

Charlie dragged his eyelids down with his fingers as he was overtaken by exasperation.

"I can't believe Demos slipped up and let that fucking idiot walk around with the TV belt! Now that sleepwalking jackass is going to think he's hot shit because he walked around with somebody else's championship belt for a few weeks before Andre Dixon beat it off of him! What a damn disgrace. You know Demos really is a butt fucking son of a bitch to overlook Marf and be caught lacking. He shouldn't known he wasn't going to beat Doc! Ever! If I couldn't beat Doc, no way Demos could!

But the Demos can DEFINITELY beat the Left Hand when he gives it his all! Shiiiiit that pinko commy cunt has shown it time and time again! Winning tag team matches against em, costing them March Madness victories, giving Geri Vayden that sweet farewell visit, the list literally goes on and on and on! And the list is about to get even bigger when that masked mutt eliminates those Eobard Stone wannabes from the tag team title conversation!

Marf better go back to dreamland and stay there because when he wakes up on Wednesday morning he's walking headfirst into a freight train. Demos is going to be out seeking vengeance on him for that little once in a lifetime stunt. Let's see if Marf can sleepwalk down the Miracle Mile one more time......that's all he does is dream, right? Like I mean fuck, surely the dude's not REALLY blowing up motorbikers in full view of TV cameras! Man....if only I could get into that dude's dreams.

He seems like a weak and insecure bitch. I bet it'd be reeaaalllll easy to cost him that little gold belt if I could just sneak into his dreams at night and play a little Charlie Krueger. How many times do you think I can make Marf wet himself in one night? Whaddya say Satan, you let me out of here so I can go toy around with that little bitch?"

Charlie looked around but Satan was nowhere to be found.

"Satan?"

The TV feed cut off. Charlie sat in silence as the scene cut to black.