HH: We’re coming at you LIVE, folks for the most action packed show of this century! I’m Tumblr icon, now Newgrounds activist, Heather “Hezzie” Halliwell! And I’m here with Pip the Golly Green Giant for this spectacular show lined up here for ya!”

Pip: “Pip very excited! Fan very scary!”

HH: “You’re not wrong there! These fans are completely riled up!”

The crowd is ravenous with their anticipation, clearly feeling like they’ve been waiting two fucking weeks for this show to start. I mean, seriously? Twofucking weeks what kind of clod fails to get his show out one week behind his own stupid deadline and misses some of his oth

Pip: “Ah!”

Pip screams, looking completely horrified and grabbing his head!

Pip: “Fourth wall no work good!”

HH: “Hush, Pip! The host of tonight’s affairs is about to make himself seen! Everybody clap for the GLaP!”

Joey Give-Long-and-Prosper walks out to the ring with a bunch of pyro accompanying his entrance! His presence is enough to calm down the crowd and begin a huge, rhythmic clap for the beloved FXW figure! He steps into the ring and is handed a microphone, waiting for the “GLaP!” chants to settle down.

“Tank ya! Ay, I love y’all too, ya putz! Now, we gots a great program lined up tonight and you guys are gonna love it! FXW Legends and newcomers alike and of course you’ll see a bit o’ me throughout the show! But before our night commences, I’d like to share a brief moment of silence with you for the fallen salt miners of this beautiful, diverse state of Kentucky.”

For the most part, everyone stays quiet until…



Someone begins to recite the national anthem! Everyone joins in, taking solidarity in their collective loss! Patriotic tears are shed as the crowd roars at the conclusion, Joey yelling, “PLAY BALL!” to the delight of everyone!

HH: “Lots of respect for the Universal Consolation Prize holder America here! You love to see it! Don't know where the organ came from, though.”

Pip: “Why bomb and rocket in America song?”

HH: “That’s a great question, Pip! But now’s not the time for those! Now is the time for wrestling the good old fashioned FXW way! And here come our first competitors!”



"March of the Pigs" by Nine Inch Nails begins to play as the fans let out a chorus of boos. All of a sudden, Hotdog bursts through the curtain and hurries down the aisle in a frenzy.

HH: "Your eyes aren't deceiving you folks, that's a pig in a DOGhouse Match!"

Pip: "Pip want bacon!"

Hotdog tries to eat someone's child in the front row, before turning his attention back to the ring. He rushes towards it and slides in under the bottom rope, where he runs all over while waiting for his opponents.



The fans go crazy as soon as Mandy Moore's "Candy" fills the arena. Rainbows and sparkles fill the sky, making everyone in the audience want to hug and kiss each other. As they do so, Quokkana walks out onto the ramp and trots down the aisle like a majestic unicorn, stopping to hug every fan that wants one.

Pip: "Pip want hug!"

HH: "Calm down, Lenny; last time you hugged a woman, you damn near broke her back!"

Pip: "Pip said he was sorry!"

HH: "Sorry doesn't fix spinal trauma, Pip."

Pip(sniffling): "Pip sad!"

Quokkana goes to climb in the ring, but Hotdog charges in her direction, forcing the gentle unicorn to back off. She skips around the ring, but everytime she's tries to enter it, Hotdog's right there to stop her.

HH: "Gonna be hard to win when she can't even enter the ring!"



"Get Buck In Here" starts up, causing the frat boys in the audience to lose their minds. Everyone looks towards the ramp in anticipation of Drunk Atty's entrance, but she's nowhere to be found.

Pip: "Pip don't see anyone!"

HH: "She probably passed out backstage, again."

The cameras search all over the arena until, finally, we see Atty stumbling down the steps in the crowd. She is overtly drunk and can only stand thanks to the multiple hands reaching out to grab her ass.

HH: "Looks like she hasn't stopped drinking since the LAST Shove It!"

Pip: "Pretty lady walks funny!"

Atty eventually loses her balance and falls forward, tumbling all the way down the stairs until she's reaches the front row. Everyone looks horrified, that is, until she pops to her feet and begins doing the Coyote Ugly, using the barricade to prop herself up as she gyrates her hips.

HH: "This is sad."

Pip: "Pip like alot!"

Drunk Atty ends up falling over the barricade, only to have Quokkana run over and help her up. She gives the inebriated Atty a big embrace, causing her to pass out in Quokkana's arms.

HH: "I don't think Atty's in any shape to compete her tonight............... or any night, for that matter!"

A caring Quokkana gently sets Atty down on the floor before turning her attention to Hotdog, who's been chomping on the ref in anticipation of the match to start. I'm an attempt to save himself, the referee calls for the bell before Hotdog can eat anything vital.

DING! DING! DING!

Hotdog - vs - Quokkana - vs - Drunk Atty Dog House Match Two dog houses are set up outside of the ring. You can only win when both of your opponents are trapped inside the dog houses.

Hotdog leaps over the top rope, all the way to the outside where he glares at Quokkana. The gentle unicorn slowly backs away with each step closer the pig gets to her. Before he can do anything, though, Drunk Atty rolls over and wraps her arms around him, holding him in place. This allows Quokkana the opportunity to lock in her patented Snuggleslut submission hold.

HH: "She could be trying to put Hotdog out so he'll be easier to get into one of those dog houses!"

Pip: "Woof! Woof!"

Despite being in Quokkana and Drunk Atty's grasp, Hotdog is able to shake them off with ease. He then proceeds to chase Quokkana around the ring as Atty flips over to the other side and uses the ring skirt to cover herself up like a blanket. Eventually, Quokkana finds herself trapped between Hotdog and the steel steps, with the pig ready to strike. Before he can ram his head into her, though, Quokkana is able to save out of the way, causing Hotdog to collide with the steps.

HH: "Poor Hotdog!"

The dive leaves Quokkana with a boo boo on her elbow, causing her to cry out in pain. A fan in the front row offers to kiss it for her, which she happily accepts!

Pip: "Pip want kiss!"

HH: "I'm sure, someday, even YOU will find love, Pip."[/green]

Pip: "Pip no want love, Pip want KISS!!!!"

With her elbow starting to feel better, Quokkana approaches the stunned Hotdog and attempts to drag him over to a dog house. Unfortunately for her, he's too heavy to drag, prompting her to scream for Drunk Atty's help. Quokkana's voice instantly wakes Atty from her slumber, causing her to stumble to her feet and in her opponents' direction.

[red]HH: "Looks like we may have a 2 on 1 situation, something I'm sure Drunk Atty is VERY familiar with!"

Atty makes it over to Quokkana and Hotdog, before helping the lover of hugs & kisses drag the pig towards the dog house. They make good progress but, once they're in front of it, Atty can't stay vertical and drops to her knees before falling, face first, into the dog house!

Drunk Atty has been eliminated!

HH: "And THAT'S why you don't show up to work drunk off your ass!"

Pip: "You said ass!"

HH: "Yes, and so did you."

Pip: "Uh oh!"

Quokkana puts her hands on her hips in disbelief over Atty eliminating herself. She then pats her on the back before turning her attention to Hotdog................ who's regained his composure!!! He surprises Quokkana with a Kick to the Face, sending her flying backwards. He then uses his mouth to grab Quokkana by the ankle and drag her towards the open dog house. Before he can make it over completely, though, Quokkana is able to wrestle her leg out of his mouth and run away.

HH: "Look at Quokkana go!"

Pip: "Unicorns are fast!!!"

Quokkana does a few more laps around the ring while being chased by Hot Dog until, finally, the pig realizes to go the opposite direction. Upon seeing this, Quokkana screams and tries to bolt off the other way, only to trip over Drunk Atty's legs hanging out of the dog house!

HH: "That's not good!"

Quokkana tries to hurry to her feet, but ends up slipping an falling flat on her face. She turns around to face Hot Dog and starts crawling backwards while pleading with him to be a "good piggie." Hot Dog won't have any of it, though, as he begins to kick his leg back in over to build up a head of steam. Once he does, the pig charges full speed at Quokkana, who has no other option than to retreat into the open dog house, eliminating herself as well!

Quokkana has been Eliminated

Winner- Hot Dog

Despite Quokkana making it safely into the dog house, Hot Dog still runs full force at it and flips the thing over with his snout. Quokkana screams in horror as the pig attempts to break into the house. Fortunately for her, a professional pig wrangler runs out and attempts to distract Hog Dog. It works, to an extent, as he's able to guide the pig up the aisle, only to get attacked himself. Everybody is forced to watch in horror as Hot Dog kills the wrangler and drags him through the curtain backstage.

---

"In da Club" by 50 Cent hits over the PA system, causing the fans to cheer and sway with the music. All of a sudden, Lil W comes out from the back riding a naked bitch like a horse, complete with reigns and a saddle! 

HH: "Lil W certainly likes to travel in unique ways."

Pip: "Where's her wee wee?"

HH: "Uh oh, sounds like no-one ever explained the bears and badgers to Pip!"

Pip: "Do YOU have wee wee?"

HH: "No, Pip, I do not."

Pip cries out in horror as the woman stops next to the ring and lets Lil W off at the apron. He steps in over the bottom rope and waddles to a corner where he climbs onto the first rope and throws up gang signs unknown to our own universe. 

HH: "Do you know what gang Lil W represents, Pip?"

Pip(sad): "Pip don't know ANYTHING anymore!"



The entire stadium is filled with boos as the despised Nefarious Scientist Ned Kaye enters from backstage! He's riding his trusty mech to the ring, laughing as the crowd tosses various kinds of garbage at him. He presses a small button, causing a burst of flame to come from the front of his vehicle, lighting at least TWO security personnel ablaze this year, but dissuading further trash being pelted. He dismounts the mech, doing a front flip into the ring out of the cockpit and tossing his goggles out into the audience. One fan accidentally catches them, causing him to toss 'em to the person seated next to him. They also don't want the goggles, prompting the audience to play a Stadium-wide game of Hot Potato.

HH: "Doesn't look like ANYONE wants the Nefarious Scientist's goggles!"

Pip: "Ned Kaye bad!!!"

HH: "That's right, Pip, Ned Kaye is VERY bad!............. hold on, folks, I'm receiving word now that we're gonna have a guest commentator for this match..................... none other than the Nefarious Scientist himself!!!!! I don't know how that's possible, but I can only imagine it has something to do with cloning."

NNK: "Not exactly, Heather!"

Pip(freaked out): "THE VOICES IN MY HEAD ARE BACK!!!!!"

HH: "That's just Ned, Pip. I don't know how, but it is!"

NNK: "The future of FWX is how. I call it The Small Neural Audio Recording Kit, or SNARK FIR short. This earpiece allows me to transmit commentary all the way from inside the ring to your headsets and everyone's televisions around the world............. whether they're watching us or not!"

HH: "So, what you're saying is............ you're gonna do your own commentary DURING your match?!?"

NNK: "That's exactly what I'm saying!"

HHL: "Well, this'll be interesting."

Pip: "Pip scared!!!"

The referee makes Lil W and the Nefarious Scientist go outside the ring before motioning for the Lumberjacks to come on out. Various members of the FWX roster head down the aisle, from Loser Couchpotato to Sarah McLaughlin(yes, she's a wrestler in this universe!). Once all the Lumberjacks are situated inside the ring, the referee calls for the bell. 

DING! DING! DING! 

Lil W - vs - Nefarious Scientist Ned Kaye Reverse Lumberjack Match Various wrestlers are positioned inside of the ring and attempt to keep the competitors out. No countouts, but falls only count within the ring.

The Nefarious Scientist immediately attempts to climb in the ring, but he's thwarted by the likes of Him Himson and Know-a-Johnson. As his opponent struggles, Lil W is able to slip into the ring under the legs of The Janitor and past the lazy Loser Couchpotato, who can't be bothered to stop him. With most of the Lumberjacks focused on Ned Kaye, Lil W is able to sneak by them and hit a Suicide Dive between the middle and bottom ropes, sending the Nefarious Scientist into the barricade. 

HH: "That had to hurt!"

NNK: "It..........did, God dammit!"

Pip: "He no good at this!"

NNK: "I heard that!"

Lil W drags Kaye up by his hair and smashes his face against the Steel Steps. He then tries to roll the Nefarious Scientist into the ring, but Chucky Quarters prevents him from doing so with his foot. 

Pip: "Why they no let him in?"

HH: "Because this is a Reverse Lumberjack Match, Pip."

Pip: "Pip don't get it."

NNK: "God, it's nearly impossible to wrestle with that bumbling idiot in my ear!"

The Nefarious Scientist punches Lil W in the nose, backing him off for a moment. W then charges towards his opponent, only to get hit with a Hurricanrana off the apron. 

HH: "What a move by the Nefarious Scientist!"

NNK: "Thank you!"

Ned Kaye gets up and hurls Lil W into the side of the ring before picking him back up and tossing him into the steps. 

NNK: "The Nefarious Scientist is tossing Lil W around like a ragdoll!"

HH: "..............did you just call your own moves???"

NNK: "What else is a guest commentator supposed to do?!"

Pip: "Ooo, Pip knows!"

NNK: "Enlighten me."

Pip: "Uuuuuuuuuuum....................... Pip doesn't know."

NNK: "This is exactly why we need to cut the middle man out and fit EVERY wrestler with the SNAR........OW!!!!!!"

A feisty Lil W is able to hobble to his feet and deliver a Dropkick to the knee of the Nefarious Scientist, dropping him down to his level. With his opponent's head within reach, 'Dubs grabs onto it and plants him with a DDT in the floor. 

HH: "This could be Lil W's chance; if only he could figure out a way to get his opponent in the ring so he can pin him!"

Pip: "ONE, TWO, THREE!!!!"

NNK(in pain): "Oh for fuck's sake!"

Lil W slaps the taste out of Kaye's mouth before taking him over to the side of the ring and preparing to roll him in. Before he can even have the chance, Know-a-Johnson, Chucky Quarters, and FWX's resident supervillain, Diamond, step in the way. This forces Lil W to walk him over to a different side, only to be met by Mr. Calm and the rest of his legion of TOM. W tries to take Ned over to a different side, but the wasted time allows Kaye enough time to recover and break away from his opponent. With a bit if separation, Ned is able to connect with a Nefarious Knee, stunning Lil W, before following it up with a Military Press, which he uses to toss his opponent OVER the top rope and into the ring. Ned quickly slips in under the bottom rope in an attempt to pin his opponent. 

ONE

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Before the ref can even raise his hand for 2, Also Known As yanks Lil W out from under the Nefarious Scientist and tosses him outside the ring. He then makes a move towards Ned, who wisely retreats. 

HH: "Not an easy task getting past all those Lumberjacks, huh?"

NNK: "Not by any conventional means........."

The Nefarious Scientist reaches into his tights and pulls out a remote of some sort, before climbing onto the apron and addressing the Lumberjacks. 

NNK: "This is a self destruct button for my much! If you don't clear the ring and allow me to pin that nasty little midget, I'll blow this entire arena up!"

HH: "Oh my God!"

Pip: "Yaaaaaaay, TV!"

The Lumberjacks look intimidated by the Nefarious Scientist's request but, before they can get the chance to leave, Lil W yanks Ned off the apron, causing his head to smash against the apron. Upon impact, Kaye drops the device, which Lil W picks up and smashes to a roar of cheers, including the Lumberjacks! 'Dubs then bends down and yanks the SNARK out of his opponent's ear, and talks to the commentary team through it. 

W: "This shit's about to get off the CHAIN................ bring the bitches out!!!"

As requested, a slew of prostitutes come strutting out from the back, receiving dropped jaw's from majority of the Lumberjacks. The woman slide in and begin grinding on anyone who will let them. 

HH: "While I can't say I approve, I must admit it was a hell of an idea!"

Pip: "Pip like! Girls make wee wee hard!"

W: "Hell yeah, big dawg!"

Lil W crushes the SNARK in his hand and rolls Ned in the ring. With all the Lumberjacks distracted, W is able to slip on in and lay across his opponent for a over. 

ONE

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TWO

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The Nefarious Scientist throws Lil W off of him, but 'Dubs is able to adjust in mid-air and land on his feet. Ned gets up and charges at W, who sees the referee now has his face buried between a pair of titties, allowing him to punch the Nefarious Scientist in the balls without repercussions. Ned bends over, allowing Lil W to set up for a Canadian Destroyer. Before he can hit it, though, Kaye is able to lift him up and deliver a brutal Alabama Slam, keeping hold of his opponent's legs and flipping over him for a pin attempt. The ref tosses his hoe aside and begins to count the fall, unaware Ned's feet are under the ropes, preventing Lil W from. kicking out. 

ONE

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TWO

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THREE!!!!!!!!

Winner- "Nefarious Scientist" Ned Kaye

Pip: "Bad Man cheated!"

HH: "Yes he did, Pip! What an abortion of the legal system!"

---

HH: "Alright everyone! Our cameras are on location in Mobile, Alabama at one of the oldest remaining silent film sets of all time! That won't be true for long as W.D. Dallas and Christian Chaplin plan to put each other through hell for this victory!"

Pip: "Bald man and hat man want to hurt history!"

HH: "Not quite, Pip. They want to hurt each other, but they'll sacrifice priceless history in order to do so!"

Pip: "It different?"

HH: "It is where it's important: the legal forms."

The camera cuts to W.D. Dallas in the middle of a black and white barren landscape, the only clear details being shrubs, a few houses, and a set of train tracks nearby. He begins to shout out inti the wind, but the only audible noise is that of an old-timey rag.



Dallas looks around angrily and points towards the camera.



He turns around, distracted by something!



Christian Chaplin rides in on a bicycle with a much larger front wheel than its rear one. He seems to be taking a ton of joy in ringing his bell as increases his speed, his trajectory aimed directly at W.D.! Unfortunately, his bicycle isn't very fast at all, giving Dallas ample opportunity to clothesline Chris off the bike, knocking his little hat off and flipping him backwards with the impact! Chaplin manages to recover and quickly retreats toward one of the houses, opening the door and shutting it quickly behind him! Dallas pursues, but upon opening the door, he doesn't see Chaplin! Hell, he doesn't even see a house interior! 

Christian is seen hiding on the other side of the door that Dallas opened! He slips towards the front of the big house cutout as W.D. is standing there completely baffled. Thinking quickly, he snaps his fingers upon a realization! He pushes against the fake house frame with all his might and watches at falls onto Dallas, the brawler standing right beneath a window that shatters over his head! Chaplin gets into his best boxing pose and approaches Dallas, who is disoriented and bleeding from the antics of his opponent! Christian yells out as he delivers his first punch after winding up a fist!



He takes his opportunity to hit W.D. with a barrage of boxing punches, even landing a few towards W's kidney! Chaplin is prancing and dancing like the best boxers of his indeterminate era when he twists around for his renowned spinning backfist!



But Dallas dodges out of the way and counters with a Lou Thesz Press! He hails strikes down upon the dapper chapper, but Chaplin isn't one to take a beating lying down! He struggles Dallas off of him and rushes to find a way to tire out the bloke still pursuing him, blood dripping down Dallas's face as he stalks his prey. He marches towards Christian with an intimidating fury that scares Chaplin so bad that his hat defies all known laws of physics and flies off of his head and into the stratosphere! Finally, Chaplin finds a method of escape and victory: A Sheffield Handcar!



He hops on and begins pumping the lever up and down and accelerating far beyond the speed of the chasing Dallas! Unfortunately for Chaplin, there's another handcar nearby! W.D. hops onto the second hand card and proceeds to operate it, continuing his hunt for Chaplin's head! Christian has slowed his pace, convinced he has the man outsmarted when he sees Dallas approaching fast! Panicking, Chaplin tries to pump the handcar's lever from both sides, alternating from one to the other, but succeeding only in tiring himself out! Dallas's car collides with Chaplin's, knocking Christian off and into the dirt! Dallas hops off and lifts Chaplin up, repeatedly smashing his head into the handcar before walking out of frame, leaving the gentleman dazed from the head trauma! Before he can cover his face, Dallas tosses the vintage bicycle square into the forehead of Chaplin, who had worn himself out with his own antics! 

W.D. Dallas kicks him in the midsection and hits him with a devastating stunner!





W.D. Dallas goes for the pin!

ONE








TWO









THREEEEE!

WINNER VIA PINFALL - W.D. DALLAS

---

Pip: "Bald man win, but where hat go?! If hat man still have hat, maybe he win?"

HH: "Maybe, but that doesn't change what we've just witnessed!" A great showing from W.D. Dallas today, but you gotta give his opponent: he sure knew how to make us laugh!"

MORE TO COME THROUGHOUT TODAY (THE 12TH) LAST UPDATE: 2:08 PM