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Thaddeus Duke · (03-26-2021)

Honestly, this is legitimately the kind of dumbass shit I needed to get into and there is no better person on the planet to help get you into dumb shit like this than Corey fuckin’ Smith. My life is rather drama filled and I know y’all really get into that part of me but you really need to ask yourself, how much is too much? At what point does all that drama start to get to me? How much bullshit can be heaped onto one mans plate? How much bullshit is a man supposed to be able to take until he just fucking snaps?

Be perfectly honest with yourselves, if you’ve sat back watching my life unfold and you’re judging some of the actions I’ve taken and sat back thinking “that is not a good man” then I urge you to reconsider. The fact that I have not entirely nuked everything in my way and everything and everyone that I hate has to be seen as some kind of amazing restraint on my part. A lot of the drama that has landed in my lap has been a result one way or another of my own actions but that doesn’t negate the desire to be free of it all, once and for all.

This adventure, for lack of a better word, with Corey has been a highlight in an otherwise extremely dark time for me. I don’t expect anyone to “get” that though. I expect nothing from anyone, except the love and support of my closest friends and Corey is obviously a big part of that equation.

The teleportation pod opens and Corey and I both tumble out of it into brightly lit all white corridor.

”That was fucking weird,” I say as I climb to my feet and reach my hand out to Corey. A loud buzzer goes off. ”Jesus that was loud.”

”I felt like wet spaghetti or some shit,” he says as he grabs my hand and I help him to his feet. Again, another loud buzzer goes off.

”Welcome to Disney©,” comes a voice from behind us, startling us both.

”Holy shit it’s Cinderelli,” I say as another buzzer sounds.

”Cinderelli?” Corey ponders.

”Cinderelli,” I confirm quickly.

”Disney© is a family friendly multimedia company,” Cinderelli begins. ”We must ask you to please refrain from vulgar language at all times while on the premises.”

”Sorry,” I offer.

”Yeah, sorry.”

”Have a magical day,” says the Disney© Princess as she quickly departs down the hallway.

”No swearing?” I say quietly toward Corey and he looks at me. ”How the eff am I supposed to do this!?”

”I don’t effing know,” he whispers quietly.

Corey and I venture down the brightly lit empty corridor before coming to a nondescript intersection. There are no signs to help navigate our way through the facility.

”Where do we go?” Corey asks as he shrugs his shoulders.

Taking a moment to look down each of the four hallways…

”I have no fuhhhh...” Corey quickly claps his hand over my mouth.

”No swearing,” he reminds me before I stick my tongue out to lick his hand. Quickly he pulls his hand away from my mouth. ”Gaahhhh! What the hell!?”

”Son of a… LOOK WHAT YOU DID!” he says as he wipes my saliva from his palm. ”That’s really unsanitary.”

”I know where that hand has been.”

”Yeah that’s kind of the… oh I get it.”

He and I both turn to our right and Cinderelli has returned.

”Disney© is a family friendly multimedia company,” Cinderelli begins again. ”Further use of vulgar language while on Disney© property will result in being expelled from the premises.”

”Sorry Cinderelli,” Corey says sheepishly with his hands clasped behind his back and pivoting his right foot back and forth in Disney© shame.

”Have a magical day,” she says again as she turns to leave us.

”Cinderelli, wait!”

”Yes?” she happily turns to face me.

”We’re lost,” I say while mimicking Corey’s Disney© shame.

”That’s surprising coming from you,” she says and causes me and Corey to exchange confused looks. ”What is it you’re looking for?”

”B.o.B.,” I offer and a nervous smile crosses her face. ”The Brotherhood of Baddies.”

Without a verbal answer she just turns her head to the right.

”Thank you,” Corey says with a disarming smile.

”Have a magical day,” she says as her normal forced corporate smile returns and she turns and walks briskly down the hallway.

Corey and I start our way down the corridor in the direction Cinderelli motioned us towards, before he grabs my shoulder stopping me.

”Think we should change first?” Corey asks as we’re still in our DMV disguises.

”I’m not getting naked right here in the hallway,” I begin. ”Cinderelli already has us on her shi…. Her S list for swearing. What do you think nudity is gonna bring us?”

Corey says nothing, just points over my shoulder. I turn to follow his finger and see a mens restroom.

”Oh that was conveniently placed,” I say as we both head inside. He and I both poke our heads down under the stalls and see a pair of furry feet. Corey and I look at each other then back up toward the row of sinks. Moments later, whatever is attached to the furry feet flushes and pops out of the stall. Goofy eyes us.

”Garsh fellas,” he says politely. ”Shouldn’t have had those tacos, huh hyuck!”

Goofy then exits the bathroom.

”Didn’t even wash his paws,” I say as I rush over to the door and lock it.

”Now that’s unsanitary.”

He and I both rush into separate stalls to change. Moments later, we come out wearing jeans and Disney© hoodies with Mickey Mouse ear hats on our heads.

”I thought we were supposed to blend,” Corey offers.

”Well, the mouse ears...” I offer. ”Hey why do you think Cinderelli was surprised I needed directions?”

Corey just shrugs.

”You might want to wash the grease from your chin,” Corey reminds me.

”Right, good thinking.”

As I wash my face, I notice two identical items tucked away in the corner on top of the counter.

”Wonder what those are,” I think to myself aloud as I dry off my face.

”They look like fleshlights,” Corey says to himself but conveniently out loud.

”You really are a lonely boy sometimes aren’t you?”

”Don’t judge me Thad,” he says, feigning hurt.

”They come at us for swearing and your first thought seeing those is fleshlights?” I ask him with a laugh.

”If you must know Thaddeus, I meant to say flashlights,” he says as he picks one of them up.

”Uh huh,” I doubt him as he hits the switch on the side of the device.

”YAASSSSSSSS!” he reacts as he realizes he’s holding a golden colored lightsaber. He tosses me the other and I hit the switch.

”Aw man! Mine is white but it glows gold,” I say facetiously.

”Ironic?”

”Or convenient, it’s one of the two.”

”Unguard Sith scum!” he cries out and enters a fighting stance.

”Are we really doing this?” I ask with a smile and he strikes his lightsaber against mine and verbalizes the sound effects, before realizing he doesn’t have to.

”Oh that kinda takes the fun out of it,” he says as he returns to a normal stance.

”What will the guys say when they find out we’re in a locked bathroom sword fighting?”

”Yeah you right that’s a good point,” he says as we both head for the door.

”You think these are like toy prototypes or something?”

”That’s my guess.”

”Frankie will love this,” I say as we both turn off our brand new stolen lightsabers and shove them in our back pockets. Continuing our journey into the depths of this remarkably plain facility, we round a corner and a sinking feeling hits us both.

”I did not see that coming,” he muses to himself as he pulls out his lightsaber and turns it on again. He twirls it in a circle and it makes a woo-woosh sound as we near the first security checkpoint.

”Core,” I say to him as he twirls it a couple more times before stopping himself.

”I liked the sound,” he says as he turns it off again and replaces it in his pocket. ”How we getting through the check points?”

”Well, there are no guards,” I say as I survey the situation. ”I guess we just try and hope it works?”

”It’s not exactly a plan but… it’s something.”

I reach the first of three checkpoints. Thumbprint verification. Placing my thumb on the scanner it makes a humming sound as it works, then turns green.

”Access granted,” says an automated voiceover.

”They really have crap security,” I laugh as I step through the turnstile and wait for Corey. He places his thumb on the scanner.

”Access denied. Please try again,” comes the voice.

Corey looks at me, his eyes growing wide. ”Try again,” I suggest. Corey does and again…

”Access denied. Please try again. One more failure initiates Foreign Agent Protocol,” warns the automated voice.

”Uh-oh, what do we do?” Corey asks as a state of panic begins to creep in.

Beside me, I unclasp the rope line and refasten it behind me before pressing my thumb on the scanner.

”Access granted,” the voice says and Corey steps through the turnstile.

”Thanks man,” he says as I go back through the rope line and fasten it behind me.

”Yeah it’s no problem,” I say as we step forward to the next security station.

”Welcome,” comes the voice again. ”Please place your right eye against the scanner for retinal verification.”

Placing my eye against the scanner, it hums to life.

”Access denied. Please try again.”

”Hmmm.”

Again I approach the scanner and it hums to life.

”Access granted. Please proceed to facial recognition,” the voice says as Corey steps through the turnstile.

”Cheater,” I say to him as I step away and back against the retinal scanner.

”Access granted. Please proceed to facial recognition.”

Corey and I proceed to the final security step in the verification process.

”Please press your face into the thingy for facial recognition,” the voice instructs and I do so. ”Welcome Marvel Cinematic Universe representative. Have a magical day,” the voice calls out and Corey quickly goes through the turnstile and throws his arms in the air like he just won a marathon.

”What the actual...”

”THAD!” Corey shouts.

”What? I wasn’t gonna say it,” I say as I press my face into the scanner again.

”Welcome Marvel Cinematic Universe representative. Have a magical day,” comes the voice again and I step through the turnstile.

Looking back at the security station with a confused look on my face, ”I think I figured it out.”

”Figured what out?” Corey asks as he folds his arms in front of his chest and leans against the wall. A loud click can be heard and Corey’s eyes grow wide. I look at him a moment.

”Why Cinderelli thought she knew me and why I passed all these security checkpoints,” I begin to explain.

”Thad...”

”I think it’s because I look like...”

”THAD!” he shouts toward me, trying to get my attention.

”No, that’s not it. It’s because I look...”

”THADDEUS!” he shouts in a panic.

”What?”

”I leaned against something and it clicked, and now I’m afraid to move.”

I make my way to the wall near Corey and again look back at the security stations. ”How come we didn’t just go through the rope lines?”

”Forget that! Will you look behind me and see what I’m leaning against!?”

Trying my damnedest to see between the wall and Corey’s back I can barely make out something visible. Reaching behind him with my hand, I feel around the wall behind him and finger what he’s leaning against.

”It’s definitely a button,” I say as I retrieve my hand.

”What do we do!?”

”I mean I think its clear that you have to stand there for the rest of your life so whatever that button does never happens.”

”I’m not staying here!”

”Why not? It’s probably less nuts than Coreytopia.”

”Yeah that’s kind of a good point,” Corey agrees.

”I have a plan!” I yell out excitedly.

Corey breathes a sigh of relief. Grabbing a fistful of his hoodie I yank him away from the wall and… nothing happens but Corey looks at me angrily.

”Did you really think I had a plan?”

”Yes.”

A moment later…

”Uh-oh!”

”WARNING! Intruder alert!” comes the voice of James Earl Jones.

”UH-OH!?” Corey yells out angrily as he grabs two fists full of my hoodie and slams me against the wall.

”WARNING! Intruder alert!”

”Hey how’d you know I like it rough?” I ask him and forces himself not to smile.

”WARNING! Intruder alert!”

”You’re pretty cute when you’re angry,” I joke… sorta.

”WARNING! Intruder alert!”

”This isn’t funny!” Corey shouts. ”Stop making me laugh.”

”WARNING! Intruder alert!”

”Oh god...” I mutter under my breath as I look past Corey down the hallway. What appear to be soldiers in weird looking white helmets are marching toward us. ”Core,” I say as I motion with my head down the hallway behind him.

”Stormtroopers,” he says quietly as he peers over his shoulder and unhands me. ”LIGHTSABERS!” he cries out as he pulls his lightsaber and switches it on.

”What are toys gonna do!?” I ask him. This time, I’m the one in the panic.

Down the hallway a few of the stormtroopers start to fire their laser weapons, not even coming close to hitting us.

”Don’t worry about it,” he says as he adopts a fighting stance. ”They never hit anyone with their lasers.”

”I’m sorry, I never saw Star Trek.”

Record. Scratch. Everyone stops.

”What happened?” I ask him as he stares at me.

”Star Wars,” he corrects me.

”Well whatever, I never saw Star Wars either,” annnnnd cue the music and the marching stormtroopers. I pull out my lightsaber and switch it on. Corey puts the tip of his saber against my waist, urging me to spread out a little. I start to move to my right and my pants fall to my ankles causing me to trip.

”What the...”

”Oh my god!” he looks at his saber wide eyed. ”They’re real!”

I try to pull up my pants as the stormtroopers keep firing and missing, but Corey’s saber burned through my belt, so instead I just kick off the pants and fight in my boxer shorts. As the first bunch of stormtroopers close in on us, he and I fight through them like a hot knife through butter. Amazingly in my head I think to myself that something is wrong. These troopers are dropping like flies and lie motionless on the floor of this Disney© facility, but there’s no blood.

”Corey I...” I begin but can’t pull my thoughts together quickly enough before having to cut down two more stormtroopers. ”Are they dying or acting? I can’t figure it out!”

”Does it matter?” he asks as he stops fighting then gets tackled by a running stormtrooper. Taking my lightsaber, I stab it down as if it were a sword into the troopers back and he yelps out in pain while clutching his back and rolls over. Dead. Or something.

”No I guess not,” I agree with him as I help him back to his feet. Down the hall, another grouping of troopers charge toward us firing their laser weapons. One of the lasers hits me square in the chest.

Record. Scratch. Everyone stops. Again.

It doesn’t hurt, but my hoodie is smoldering where the beam hit me.

”I thought you said they never hit anything,” I say to Corey as he pokes and prods the smoldering edges of the hole in my hoodie.

”They don’t normally,” he says as down the hall, the stormtroopers break out in celebration. Hooting and hollering and all fighting over giving the guy that shot me a high five.

”Are you done fingering me?” I ask of Corey as he quickly yanks his hand away.

”Oh right,” Corey says as he tears a sleeve off of his hoodie then removes his shirt altogether.

I look on at him, a bit perplexed.

”What are you doing?” I ask of him as he ties the sleeve around his forehead. ”There’s not even any fans here to scream and almost faint.”

”It’s really stuffy in here and since those guys are still celebrating not killing you, I figured I’d take the opportunity to...” Corey’s voice trails off as he realizes I too have taken off my hoodie. ”You really gonna one up me man?”

”What?”

”The abs, the pecs, the arms...”

”Oh relax,” I interrupt as I reveal a t-shirt from the hoodie pocket and pull it over my head.

”Dean Rose, registered trademark, really?” he asks, referring to my shirt.

”What? I like him. Gotta support the little guys too.”

Corey starts to say something but stops himself.

”Got nothin’ to say to that, huh? Good. Let’s go beat up more fuckin’ stormtroopers.”

”THAD!”

”OH! I forgot!”

”Disney© is a family friendly multimedia company,” says Cinderelli, appearing out of no where. ”Further, an employee of the Disney© family should know better than to use such vulgar language.

“And we also require pants.”

”I’M NOT AN EMPLOYEE!” I shout in frustration as I look down at my pantsless legs.

”Oh? Then I regret to inform you that you must leave the premises at once,” she states with a concerned look on her face. ”Only Disney© employees and their guests are allowed to venture this far into the facility.”

Corey throws his arm around my shoulder.

”He’s only kidding your Highness,” Corey interjects politely with a slight curtsy. ”He’s most definitely Spider-Man.”

I shoot my head in his direction and mouth “mother fucker.”

”Of course,” Cinderelli offers. ”Please have a magical day.”

”Wait, Cinderelli.”

”GAAAHHHHHH!” Corey cries out in frustration.

”How do you do that?” I ask of her.

”Do what?”

”You just appear out of no where and make us feel like crap for swearing.”

She smiles uncomfortably. ”Have a magical day,” she says as she turns to leave again.

”Hey they’re done celebrating,” Corey says as he tugs on the sleeve of my Dean Rose® t-shirt.

”You ready?” I ask and Corey nods at me, looking like a twink discount Rambo with his sleeve around his forehead. ”One! Two!”

”AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Corey runs off without me.

”Son of a… YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT TIL 3!” I shout out as I run after him. Together he and I cut down numerous stormtroopers, left, right, forward and back. A group of a dozen troopers split off, six on me, six on him as we tried to make our way up the long corridor. Doing their best to separate us from each other, they slam Corey against the floor and me against the wall. Being pinned to the floor, Corey has no way to fight back. So clearly its up to me.

”NOBODY!” I shout with a hard kick to a troopers midsection and he goes falling to the ground and rattling away across the floor.

”PUTS THADDY!” I yell out as I bash to stormtroopers heads together and they collapse into nothing.

”IN!” I yell as I duck two laser beam shots, they wind up hitting each other.

”A CORNER!” I shout one last time as I take care of the final trooper on me with the lightsaber.

”That’s not even Disney©!” Corey shouts as he manages to disable a trooper. ”Would Thaddy mind helping a homie out? They’re not even doing anything but holding me down.”

The first guy I punt in the face of his helmet. His helmet flies off and apparently that kills them. Reaching my arm down toward Corey, he grabs a hold and I drag him out of the pile of the last four remaining stormtroopers. Corey gets to his feet as I pick up his lightsaver from the floor.

”Hey,” I say as I hold them side by side. Corey looks at me as he brushes himself off while the remaining stormtroopers struggle to their feet. ”Mine’s bigger than yours.” He stops brushing himself mid stream and stares at me.

”I hate you,” Corey mutters under his breath before snatching his lightsaber from my hand. Working side by side we dispatch the final four with ease. None of them were particularly difficult but that numbers game can get you if you’re not ready for it.

”Now what?” I ask of Corey as I survey the dozens of stormtrooper bodies strewn about the corridor.

Corey scratches his head. ”I guess we go find the board room,” he says as he ventures down the hall without me. Catching up quickly just as he rounds a corner, we run into a dead end. More appropriately, a door that reads “Definitely not the Disney© Board of Directors.”

”Think this is it?” he asks as he approaches the solid wooden door.

”It specifically states that it isn’t Core, so clearly it is.”

”I guess there’s only one way to find out.”

Before I go on ranting about a bastard or two… what’s the deal with the tag team division in the XWF? Now, Corey and I have no problem kicking ass and we have no problem in extreme environments. All the same though, there seems to be very little tag team action. What I mean is, the powers that be that pull all the strings have saw fit to put Continuum, from the very first iteration mind you, me and Doc, in matches that are merely fights disguised as tag team wrestling and it’s continued on in each successive, and successful may I add, title defense ever since. Whether its me and Doc, me and Corey or Corey and Doc, the XWF puts Continuum in fights and we think we know why.

Is it… because they hate us?

No I don’t think it’s that. We pad their bottom line with way too much money for it to be that.

Maybe it’s because they like watching two little dudes wreck way bigger dudes.

I think you’re on to something my friend. I think its because on paper two bigger guys like Robbie and Thunder Knuckles should wipe the floor with young, fit, slim, good looking pretty boys like us and I think they get a kick out of us defying those odds.

That’s a pretty good analysis, I think.

Ole Thunder Knuckles thinks he’s got the ticket to beating Continuum. The man with a box of fucking mismatched off brand crayons for a brain thinks that Them No Good Bastards are the premier tag team in the XWF. They think that their ability to beat such premier tag team talents such as the vaunted Salt & Pepper and the remarkably uninteresting and uber untalented Morbidmind combination somehow makes them the best.

Thad and Corey, and from the dark recesses of hell or some shit, even Doc appears behind the two boys… the three of them hold up their tag straps.

It’s a famous saying in the wrestling business, and it’s been used a million times all over the world by a million less talented hacks in myriad different companies… Centurion even used it in his promo just last week, so that should tell you how uncreative it is and while it’s uncreative, it’s also still fucking true.

Doc fades away into the background.

To be the man!

Wooooooo!

Ya gotta beat the man, and fellas I hate to break the bad news to both of you but we’re the man. Continuum is the flag bearer of premier tag team wrestling and until you beat us, you can not and will not be the premier tag team in the land. That spot belongs to myself, Doc and Corey and to be quite honest, we’re all pretty fond of it and we’re not intent on giving up that spot any time soon.

Before y’all sit there and think this time around is somehow gonna be easier than your last failed attempt at taking these straps I’ll remind you just who it was that pulled them down in the first place. I’ll remind you who it was that ended the reign of meh that was Cataclysm. I’ll remind you both of the A plus plus plus talent you have before you.

You’re lookin’ at them.

Continuum.

No matter the combination, we have one collective goal in mind anytime this gold is on the line. Preserve, protect and defend the XWF tag team championships. That’s our way. That’s our goal. And we haven’t failed in achieving that goal.

Alright… TK… I’ll admit that took me a second to get it when you mentioned me playing with my D and squashing spiders. Yeah, that was funny.

Was it really though?

Nah, not really.

Well fuck us sideways TK. Fuck us for being professional wrestlers in a wrestling company and, you know, having wrestling matches. I know man, it’s a foreign concept that just boggles your off brand crayon brain. How fucking dare we have matches outside of tag team wrestling. Chris Page and the late, above average, Robert Main tried their damnedest to slam Continuum for… ahem… not working together… and that argument didn’t work for them so it sure as shit won’t work for you.

The fact is we’re together when it counts, and that’s all that matters. Don’t fault us because you need Robbie to be compelling and entertaining while we… are that always… together or apart.

Corey am I the weakest link?

Corey shrugs.

Maybe I am, maybe I’m not but here’s the thing TK. If I am the weakest link, then that’s a damn fine spot for Continuum to be in. I’ve had a few hiccups here and there but let’s face the reality of the situation that you find yourselves in. This weak link has dominated this roster for... what is it?

Nine whole months.

That’s it.

Anyway it’s kind of stupid for a weak link to point out a different weak link but here we are, aren’t we? You did it and now you look like a fucking idiot in typical Thunder Knuckles fashion don’t you? The guy that never advanced passed the Television title division… more on that in a minute... has the audacity to sit there on his fat, hairy, unwashed ass and call me a weak link.

Corey, do you know what it means to repossess something?

To take something back.

DING DING DING! Give that man a million xbux.

So Thunder Knuckles, keep drawing with your off brand crayons and maybe you’ll hit on something eventually. Maybe you’ll start making the least bit of sense. In order to repossess something TK, you’d have first had to have had them to begin with.

You didn’t.

You haven’t.

You won’t.

Ole middling Thunder Knuckles thinks the Television title division is the premier singles division and...

Wait, did he really say that?

I don’t know, I’m paraphrasing. It was something like that. Anyway, does anyone want to take a guess at why Thunder Knuckles thinks that division is the top singles division? Because it’s the only one ole TK has had any amount of success in. It’s the only one that he’s good enough on his own to really leave his mark in. He was a solid champion and I’d never take that away from him, but c’mon man… aspire for better than a midcard championship bro. Aspire to be the best you can be Thunder Knucks. Because as good as Robbie is, even he’s not good enough to carry your worthless ass to the promised land in Continuum’s tag team Kingdom.

Thunder Knuckles is out there running his mouth that Continuum needs to get into that tag team turmoil shit on Warfare since Them No Good Bastards are walking out of March Madness with our tag straps. He thinks we ought to get into that so that we can reestablish ourselves in the pecking order after we go home title-less and I did some checking...

What kind of checking?

Oh I looked into that tag team turmoil shit and wouldn’t you know that Them No Good Bastards are already in place? Corey, it’s like they know their days are numbered at the top of the pecking order and are no doubt not walking out of this match Sunday night with our straps.

And to answer your drivel… yeah man… we’re confident enough in ourselves and each other to not sign ourselves up for some dumbshit tournament when we already are and will still be the champions. You guys just have yourself a good old time losing to us then losing to RL Edgar and Demos when you get to Warfare. And when you do, Them No Good Bastards can go right to the back of the line.

If we’re being honest Thunder Knuckles, we don’t care who deserves a shot at our straps and who doesn’t. It doesn’t matter to us who the brass feels like putting in front of us or the types of matches they choose to book. They can keep lining them up, and we’ll just keep knockin’ ‘em down.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Market Saturation - Part 3: RP #2
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