The lineup on BOBTube is insane!

Up next, Win Oswald's Money!

WIN OSWALD'S MONEY!!

A warming but complex tune plays as it signals quiz time here on BOBTube. That's right, it's time to win a chunk of Big Money Oswald's money in Win Oswald's Money! We see our host, Bobby Bourbon, standing at a large podium beside a large tool bin. Across the podium, we see an obstacle course, lined with places for cover, beams to cross, and conveyor belts. Miss Fury is standing ready to do commentary along with Big Money Oswald himself.

Who the hell said you could give away my money?

You did, for BOBTube. Now, lets check in with Bobby!

The camera cuts to show Bobby. He smiles at the camera.

Welcome everyone! Our opening event is the Gauntlet! Our contestants will have to traverse this obstacle course while I use this tool box to throw whatever I find at them! Let's meet our contestants!

The camera cuts to show contestant number one.

Our first contestant is Diane Langston, she's a paralegal from Las Vegas, Nevada.

Again, who said you could give away my money?

Hush!

The camera cuts to show contestant number two.

Our second contestant is Lawrence Crampton, and he's a bartender from Baton Rouge, Louisiana!

Lawrence gives a thumbs up to the camera. It cuts to show contestant number three. A familiar face indeed.

Our third contestant is Thunder Knuckles, and he's a pro-wrestler from Lima, Ohio!

Thunder Knuckles gives his signature jerking-off hand motion.

Alright, if we're set, I think we're ready to get started!

An air horn sounds as all three contestants immediately dash towards Bobby. TK walks cautiously across a balance beam. Diane rushes onto a conveyor belt. Lawrence takes cover behind a large foam pyramid. Bobby opens the tool box and pulls out a wrench. He hurls it at Diane, cracking her in the forehead. She drops and the conveyor belt carries her body a distance away. TK hops down from the balance beam and looks at Lawrence. Bobby lobs a ballpeen hammer to TK underhanded. TK catches it and stalks Lawrence. Panicked, Lawrence runs from behind his foam pyramid. As he does, Bobby hits him square in the groin with a socket wrench. Lawrence keels over and falls to the ground. TK casually saunters up towards Bobby and presses a button.

Oh, and Thunder Knuckles is in first, let's see who takes second!

Diane slowly gets up, stumbles for a bit, vomits from the concussion, and leans against a wall. Lawrence slowly gets up and tries to walk towards the podium, but is caught in the groin again with a set of pliers. Lawrence crumples to the ground as Diane starts to shout for a drink of water. In her confusion, she stumbles towards the podium and slaps the button with her face as she collapses again.

And Diane is in second!

Bobby hops down from the podium and walks towards Lawrence. He nudges him with his foot.

Lawrence, get up! People are watching, this is TV! It's time for the next round!

Lawrence drags himself to his feet, stays doubled over for a moment, stands, takes a deep breath, and hobbles towards the stage. He stands at his own little podium with his name on it. Diane is propped up by her podium. TK stands at his at the ready with his hand on a buzzer.

Okay, so we move to our first trivia round. I'm going to ask you a series of questions, and whatever percent you get right gets added to your score! But first, tell us a little about yourselves!

The camera cuts to Thunder Knuckles.

My name is Thunder Knuckles, I'm a competitor in the XWF, I am from Lima, in the great state of Ohio, and I love a good kabob!

The camera cuts to Diane. She is not looking at the camera but at TK.

I want some macaroni and cheese.

The camera cuts to Lawrence, who is still in agony but looking at the camera.

My name is Lawrence, I'm a bartender from Louisiana, I love bow fishing and exotic mustards.

The view returns squarely to Bobby Bourbon.

Okay! I'm going to ask each of you and you'll have a chance to ring in and answer! First question, what is the largest freshwater lake in the world?

Lawrence rings in.

The Nile?

A Buzzer sounds. Diane rings in.

Cauliflower?

A buzzer sounds as Diane looks dejected. A stage hand starts to spray her with a spray bottle to keep her awake. TK rings in.

What is Lake Superior?

You don't have to do the whole, you know, Jeopardy thing.

Oh, so Lake Superior?

A bell chimes.

That is correct! Next question: Which popular BBC series about old collectables began in 1979, presented by Bruce Parker and Arthur Negus, and is running to this day?

Diane rings in.

Family Feud?

The buzzer sounds again at another of Diane's incredibly wrong concussion answers. Lawrence rings in.

Pawn Stars?

The buzzer sounds. Diane perks up.

Wait, that's a good one. I change my answer to Storage Wars.

The buzzer goes off again. Lawrence looks confused.

I, uh, change my answer to Star Trek!

The toll of the buzzer sounds again as TK rings in.

Antiques Roadshow.

The bell of correct answers sounds.

Thunder Knuckles is very much ahead so far!

This is ludicrous!

Bobby smiles.

Okay, the last question of this trivia round, how tall would a double elephant folio book be?

Lawrence looks determined, like he has the answer.

666.

The buzzer sounds.

I'm sorry, no, this isn't an Unknown Soldier promo.

Lawrence throws his head back and rolls his eyes, certain he was right. Diane chimes in.

Minus four.

The buzzer sounds.

Also, two answers ago, to the first question, can I change that to Robocop?

The buzzer sounds. TK rings in.

Fifty inches.

The bell rings.

TK with the clean sweep in the first trivia round!

Who picked these questions?

TK looks over at Oswald.

I did.

Ozzy rubs his temples at the response. Bobby has already walked over to another portion of the set. We see three sets of stilts, and three lanes with three donuts suspended from the glass ceilings of each. At the end of each lane, we see three booths, constructed of clear plastic, each with winding ramps above them.

Ooh, looks like our next challenge is Fudge Munchers! In this one, our contestants will have to use stilts to walk towards the series of donuts and finish each one before a bowling ball lands in the lap of our celebrity guests! Let's introduce our guests!

Who came up with this?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We see Bobby Bourbon in a contemporary office meeting space. Glass panels on either side of the room show the rest of the BOBTube offices. In the office, seated around the table, are Thunder Knuckles, a short man in a sombrero, an orangutan, a pre-Industrial Era British dandy fop, Miss Fury, and John Madden. Behind Bobby is a whiteboard.

Alright fellas, let's brainstorm.

Bobby reaches into his pocket and produces yet more pocket food. It's a plastic ziplock containing psilocybin mushrooms. Bobby eats a handful of them, washes them down by power chugging an entire Starbucks trenta iced coffee with no cream or sugar, then turns to the table with the most eager grin you've ever seen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our first celebrity guest, ladies and gentlemen, Tony Danza!

Tony Danza walks out and waves. He goes and takes his place within a plexiglass booth.

Tony will be playing with Lawrence today!

Yo, Tony, we got this!

Tony gives a thumbs up, then nervously looks up at the contraption designed to smash his testes with a bowling ball.

Our next celebrity guest, give it up for Coolio!

Another relic from song, stage, and screen trots himself out, flashing the same hand signs from 1996. Coolio takes his place in his booth.

Coolio is playing with Diane today!

Diane is leaned up against the wall. Another stage hand spritzes her with a water bottle.

Lastly, playing with Thunder Knuckles, is Chris Angel!

Chris Angel walks out. In a puff of smoke, he's in the booth. It's a mindfreak. TK gives his signature jerking-off hand motion. Bobby steps forward.

Aaaaaaaaand...

FUDGE MUNCH!

Lawrence, with his groin severely bruised, has some difficulty getting up on the stilts as Tony frantically waves him on, looking above as a bowling ball begins it's slow trek down a series of chutes, headed to his scrotum. Coolio looks highly displeased as Diane collapses and vomits, holding herself up by a single stilt as the other lay on the ground. Thunder Knuckles pulls out a grabber tool! He walks over to the first donut and plucks it down. Chris Angel sits, looking confident. Lawrence stops and points at Thunder Knuckles.

Hey, he has one of those things!

TK shrugs as he eats a Boston Creme Donut covered with chocolate frosting.

Well, nobody said he couldn't.

Can I have one?

That's the only one, and he brought it.

Where was he keeping it?

TK points to his fanny pack.

This is bullshit!

Lawrence, minus five points!

What does that even mean?

It means five points have been deducted from Lawrence's score!

Lawrence looks pissed as Tony Danza looks REALLY pissed. Coolio does too and sits back with his sunglasses on. Diane hobbles to her feet and swats at a donut with a stilt, knocking it around. Pieces of donut drop onto her face, and without eye protection of any kind or a helmet, has a glob of raspberry jelly filling plop right into her left eye. She wails and slams into the wall of her lane! TK is on his second donut! Lawrence gets up on his stilts and waddles to his first donut, getting a nibble in before having to dismount his stilts.

This one is harder than it looks, Oswald!

No it isn't, TK is cheating.

TK looks over his shoulder and nods.

Ooh, fourty five seconds remaining!

The bowling balls all continue their slow but magical journey down a series of tubes, all aiming at our celebrity guests gonads. Tony Danza is screaming at Lawrence from his sound proof booth.

Tony, I'm so sorry!

Lawrence starts to weep. Diane beats the shit out of the donut that dropped jelly in her eye. TK snags his third donut, stopping the bowling ball above Chris Angel! Chris Angel leaves the booth in poof of smoke, and appears beside Bobby Bourbon! IT'S A MINDFREAK!

Thunder Knuckles is SOLIDLY ahead here on Win Oswald's Money, Bee-Moe!

You mean win MY money!

Lawrence gets back up on his high horse stilts and tries to eat at his first donut. Diane is now attacking the booth Coolio is seated in with a stilt, angered and in pain from an overfull bakery item. Coolio looks chill to the max, completely at ease, leaned back. He gives the same hand signal he has given forever to the camera.

Fifteen seconds!

With tears streaming from his eyes, Lawrence feebly munches at a frosted blueberry cake donut, his least favorite kind, trying to save poor Tony Danza's doomed ballbag from getting the ole' seven ten splitter. Diane has wandered out of her lane. Coolio gives zero fucks. Chris Angel is doing weird jazz hands shit and Bobby looks mildly annoyed by him.

5!


4!


3!


2!


1!


An airhorn sounds. A bowling ball launches out of a chute half a foot away from Tony Danza, hitting him right in the nuts. Tony Danza falls out of his chair. Lawrence mouths 'I'm sorry!' while sobbing, chunks of blueberry cake donut falling from his mouth, a snot dripping from his nose. Diane is nowhere to be seen. A bowling ball rockets out of the chute in front of Coolio. It hits him dead in the scrote. Still, zero fucks given, he flashes a peace sign. Bobby grabs an extra wrench from earlier and knocks Chris Angel in the crotch with it. Chris Angel goes to the ground clutching his nutsack in agony. Bobby throws the wrench at Lawrence's stilt, knocking him to the ground.

Okay, next trivia round!

Lawrence steps up to his podium, looking utterly spent. Diane is promptly kicked out of the ambulance reserved for Tony Danza. The medics point at her scoldingly and shoo her off back to the set, where she groggily stands at her podium, dried vomit on her shnazzy spangly outfit provided to contestants. TK gives a fist pump and drinks an entire Red Bull.

What is the diameter of Earth?

Lawrence chimes in.

7,917 miles?

Bzzt-bzzt.

Diane accidentally hits the buzzer.

Brooklyn style?

Bzzt-bzzt.

TK in while absolutely smashing the dick out of his button.

Eight Thousand Miles!

The bell chimes.

Thunder Knuckles is on a roll!

Is that even right?

Right or wrong, the points are awarded to TK.

Next question: How old is the world's oldest dictionary, and where is it from?

Diane is in first.

Webster's, from the eighties. I mean the sitcom.

Bzzt-bzzt.

Half past a monkey's ass and a quarter to it's balls, from Uranus?

Are you trying to be funny, Lawrence?

Fuck it, sure.

Good man. Plus five points.

Bobby hands Lawrence a Baby Ruth bar. Full size.

Last question, are you all ready?

Lawrence and TK nod. Diane looks awful.

What word goes before vest, bean, and quartet?

Cauliflower.

Bzzt-bzzt.

Ooh, can I have macaroni and cheese now?

Bzzt-bzzt.

String, Bobby.

Ding!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, Thunder Knuckle has advanced to our obstacle course and a chance at fifty billion dollars!

HOW MUCH!?

Fifty billion.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!

The camera shows Big Money Oswald and it looks like he's shitting a chicken. A whole chicken. Miss Fury shrugs. We see Bobby and TK standing beside a wild, zany, colorful obstacle course. Piece for piece, it is identical to Double Dare, to the point they probably bought the set and just painted it to look even sillier.

Alright, TK, anything to say before you run the obstacle course here for a chance at fifty billion dollars in cold hard cash?

Off camera we hear Big Money Oswald screaming as he storms out of the set and slams a door shut behind him.

What the fucking fuck you fucking oh my fucking GOD!

Anything to say before you run the obstacle course TK?

Thunder Knuckles smirks like a cocky bastard.

Well, I do have a match on Warfare I can talk about. We're going up against Morbid Angel and MasterMind. I'm so happy both these guys feel like just coming back makes them entitled to having a match for the Tag Team Championships. You know, cause they asked for it. Fucking Morbid Angel had the balls to say. Talk about not doing your fucking homework. Can't even keep track of current fucking events.

Thunder Knuckles changes his voice to a less than impressive tone, mimicking Morbid's voice the best he can. All with that arrogant smirk still on his face.

Couldn’t you have challenged them before this?

Thunder Knuckles's smirk has turned into a whole smile.

Funny you mentioned it, mother fucker. Someone play the fucking clip!

(02-13-2021, 08:08 PM)Savage 3/13/2021 Said: Fuck that! Continuum! You can parade those fucking belts all you fucking want, the XWF fans around the world know you barely survived Them No Good Bastards. We all fucking know you're getting fucking past DDS. How about March Madness we settle it! I mean, you could give the fans a fucking excuse.


Thunder Knuckles quickly smiles knowing good people don't make excuses.

When did you two fucking line stepping bitches challenge?

(02-17-2021, 11:43 PM)Warfare 2/17/21 Said: "You join me just once and we team up and take on the Tag Team Champions at March Madness. And after that, if we win, we stay together as champions and see it through. But if we don't we go our separate ways."

Mastermind holds out his hand towards Morbid. The whole stadium goes crazy. What is Morbid Angel going to do?

HEATHER: "Wow what a challenge Mastermind has just laid. He certainly makes the case that together they are strong and a very good chance of claiming Tag Team gold at March Madness. What is Morbid Angel to do?"

Morbid Angel looks at Mastermind's outstretched hand and listens to the crowd going wild.

"It's been a long time since I've held gold in the XWF....A gold belt would match my gold watch...Could be fun."

Morbid Angel steps forward and fixes his hair then looks at Masterminds hand. He contemplates joining forces. He knows what he can do and together they could make a formidable team


"Let it be done then. I will Join forces with you for the titles! Together we will make them cry."

Morbid Angel shakes Mastermind's hand and the stadium goes nuts. Mastermind smirks at Morbid Angel. And gives him a nod, before his music hits again, and he leaves the ring, and heads to the ramp and starts walking down it, followed by the Misfits who are all looking back at the ring, with Morbid Angel looking on

Now Ol' Thunder Knuckles doesn't know much but I know thirteen comes before seventeen. Oh, and Ol' Thunder Knuckles knows this too. Unlike you two fucking fucking pretenders to the number one contendership of those beautiful gold tag belts. Ol' Thunder Knuckles went and got one of the two bitches to agree. Don't take my fucking word for it.

(03-01-2021, 05:52 PM)Corey Smith Said:

(03-01-2021, 05:10 PM)Thunder Knuckles™ Said:

Thunder Knuckles's smirk turns into a full blow smile.


Is that the belt Thad gave you, mother fucker? It fucking has to be! Why else would you carrying it around? I bet he's so fucking proud of you right now! By the way, Them No Good Bastards haven't heard back from you bitches about March Madness. I'll give you a minute to come up with a fucking excuse... I mean, even though we issued that challenge weeks ago.

You want another go? Hell I'm cool with it. I mean, we gotta face somebody, eh?

You see, Morbid, all you do is deflect the attention off the fucking fact since being back you've really done nothing. You won a curtain jerker at Snow Job.

Thunder Knuckles starts a slow clap but stops and waves it away with his right hand.

Ol' Thunder Knuckles goes out and does the fucking work that you two just won't. MorbidMind isn't going to March Madness to face Corey and Thad. Them No Good Bastards fucking are. A real tag team, not some one-n-done fuckboys. It's going to be pretty dope knowing we ended this unlikely pairing of fucking jackoffs. Just a fucking feather in them No Good Bastards hat I'd say.

TK looks back at Bobby Bourbon.

This is some wacky fucking game show, man.

Wacky? WACKY!?

Bobby looks frenzied. He picks up a harpoon gun and shoots a watermelon which is suspended in midair. It falls some fourty feet and smashes to the ground making a huge mess.

Uh oh, looks like Bobby has invoked the Wackifactor!

A team of rodeo clowns rush the obstacle course with plastic trash can lids and toy lightsabers. TK is handed a riot shield and a whiffle ball bat. He runs, dives through a giant mouth and through a slide that is made of sundae toppings, gets to his feet, and duels a rodeo clown! Bobby takes the microphone and looks into the camera.

Well, fellas, when the facts are on your side, the best lies just get better.

Fact is, we're the team going to March Madness III to challenge for the Tag Team Championships.

You're the team we're beating on the way there.

We have strength in numbers.

Number one, you're both flyweights to me.

Number two, while y'all might hit hard, you don't hit hard enough to put me down or even out at all. Fuck, it's like y'all are full on Nerf or nothing while we're barbed wire and bazookas. We drop bomb after bomb and disrupt your calm, you scramble and scream proof this address that here's a point and counterpoint, whoops, I got my ass whooped anyhow at Warfare because that's what I do, is whoop ass. You dwell on semantics, look dopey for it, do dopey shit, then get knocked out of your boots like...

TK bowls into a rodeo clown, who falls out of a pair of Wellingtons.

Well, like that.

Number three, you're the ants in our picnic at this point. We showed up, challenged for the belts, then you showed up and went 'we deserve a shot' and we fucking called you on it. Angry, not angry, I don't care how you feel about it, that doesn't matter. Come to the ring butthurt or giddy as a fucking goat, either way it's the same beating I'm going to give out to either of your old, busted, and rusted bodies.

A guy who hasn't gone in months due to a brain injury is going up against the Wednesday Night Wrecker. A guy who's just coming back into his own in the limelight is looking for trouble on Warfare, and here the fuck we are. Trouble Never Gets Beat. Tee Enn Gee Bee.

Number four, we are the most relevant tag team going in the XWF today. Period. We make more appearances than Continuum. We compete solely as a tag fucking team, not some slapdash tandem showing up because their careers are devoid of any life. Fuck, if we were apart, Mr. Knuckles and myself would be singles champions in the XWF. If the invisible hand of fate hadn't tapped into our reality and pushed us towards our destiny of being Tag Team Champions, TK would have won back the Television Title and I would have folded some chump up for the Hart Championship months ago.

The fuck is y'alls identity anyhow if it's not what we say it is?

Number five, and this is the biggest one. Number five is no matter what era, what age, what time, what place, Them No Good Bastards are better than the both of you combined, on steroids or not, with good or bad intentions, no matter how stupid the t-shirts, how many people died, or whatever identity you want.

TK finishes the obstacle course. A dozen tractor trailers pull up, each loaded with cash for TK, fifty billion dollars of Oswald's money. Tune in next week and you can win Oswald's money!