ROUND 1: Seizing a Peach

The world is animated in blotchy, 80s style pixelation. From the brick paths to the clouds in the sky, everything appears to have been made with children’s building blocks. Golden squares and randomly structured bits of brick float against the solid blue sky. Despite the choppiness of the animation, it’s clearly a beautiful day in this one-dimensional world.

Skipping down a path, hand in hand, are Princess Peach and Mario. Except that they look remarkably like Betsy Granger and Bobby Bourbon. Over Bourio’s free arm is a large, overflowing picnic basket. In Princess Betsy’s free hand is a jug of freshly squeezed lemonade. The Impossible Princess sings a merry love song that sounds tinny and distorted from the older audio. Bourio stops them next to a field and picks a bunch of wildflowers and presents them to his lady. Princess Betsy accepts them happily, smelling them dramatically and batting her eyes in his direction. The pair lean in to share a lover’s kiss.

CRACK!

Lightning streaks down from the sky and hits the ground close to their feet. Startled, the lovebirds jump away from one another. Bourio gallantly shoves Princess Betsy behind him and takes a fighting stance. The ominous dark clouds above them part and a dangerous-looking pirate ship break through them. Standing at the bow is a large lizard looking creature with a red Mohawk and a shell full of horns on his back. He’s too far away to see his face, but his laugh is full of malice as he approaches rapidly. Finally, he looks down and Princess Betsy gasps as the smirking face of James Raven stares back at her.

“I’ve come for the Princess. Step aside or be destroooooyed!”

Bourio turns towards his Princess and gives her an urgent look through his mask. “Run, my love, and wait for me. I’ll come for you.”

“Be quick,” the Princess replies breathlessly. With one last terrified look at Bowven, Princess Betsy picks up the skirts of her pink gown and runs towards the castle.

Bourio turns back to Bowven and resumes his fighting stance. Bowven has stepped off the ship, followed closely by two smaller versions of himself, with the faces of Noah Jackson and Jackson Hart. Pointing a large hand with long fingernails towards Princess Betsy, he silently bids his lackeys forward to chase her. Bourio instinctively turns to follow and is immediately tackled to the ground by Bowven. Though caught by surprise, Bourio manages to fight him off. A struggle ensues, distracting both men temporarily until Princess Betsy’s screams fill the air. Both men turn towards her direction as both Jackson’s drag a struggling Princess Betsy towards the ship.

“Bourio!” She wails desperately, attempting to break free once more.

Bourio attempts to run towards his beloved but makes the mistake of turning his back on Bowven. Pulling a green shell from the depths of his protective shell, he launches it effortlessly towards Bourio. The shell inevitably hits its mark, sending Bourio crashing to the ground. His face bounces off the ground, busting his nose open. He looks up, blood gushing down his mouth, and watches helplessly as Princess Betsy is dragged onto the ship and disappears within its depths. He struggles to his knees…

A fresh burst of pain explodes from his skull as something blunt smashes into the back of his head.

The world goes black as he crumbles to the ground.

Round 2: A Daisy of a Doozy

In another part of this animated world, another notable pair are enjoying a quiet stroll through the castle grounds. Princess Daisy, who looks remarkably like Atara Themis, is walking arm in arm with Luigi, who happens to resemble Thunder Knuckles at the moment. Princess Atty is laughing seductively at something T.Knuckles is whispering in her ear. As he continues to whisper his sweet nothings, the look on her face changes. It promises something much more satisfying than this lovely stroll. Stopping in front of a thick band of bushes, she tugs playfully at the straps of his green overalls and tries to sweet-talk him into a private moment. It doesn’t take much convincing.

No sooner do they disappear into the bushes than the sounds of a small plane interrupt them. Both are in various states of disarray as they climb out clumsily from the bushes. Both look around, but it’s T.Knuckles who spots him first. He points towards the sky; Atara follows his gaze and a gasp mingled with laughter erupts from her throat. The smallest of planes was puttering towards them, and sitting in the cockpit was Wartanga. The face of Shawn Warstein was embedded into the small purple body of Tatanga and was set in grim determination. His tongue pokes out from the corner of his mouth as he focuses on Princess Atty.

With ease, she steps aside moments before the collision. T.Knuckles roars with laughter, bending over and slapping his thighs. Princess Atty laughs heartily as she bends over and picks up Wartanga by the top of his head. His tiny appendages flail as he struggles to escape her grip.

“You will come with me or I’ll destroy your entire world!”

Princess Atty snorts derisively as she holds up Wartanga for a closer look. Without warning, he spits a green mist into her face.

“You son of a…” Her eyes rolling up into her head, Princess Atty falls into a heap before she can finish. Wartanga falls from her grip and rolls away as T.Knuckles roars with rage and rushes over.

Cradling Princess Atty gently in his arms, T.Knuckles uses his sleeve to wipe the mist out of her face. His lady is sleeping peacefully despite the wickedness in which her coma was inflicted. He looks up to Wartanga, fire in his eyes and a growl in his throat. Wartanga watches on with a smirk. Letting out a laugh, the tiny purple figure begins to expand, forming to a full sized warrior. Setting Princess Atty gently back onto the ground, T.Knuckles rises to his feet and slowly pulls the banana peel from his back pocket.

Wartanga lunges forward. Picking his moment carefully, T.Knuckles launches the moldy, slippery peel towards his enemy. With shocking agility, Wartanga anticipates the play and leaps into the air, missing the peel as it speeds by.

“Well, fuck.” Is all T.Knuckles manages before the entire weight of Wartanga lands on top of him.

The two foes roll around several times, each one clinging for control. T.Knuckles finally manages to roll away and is quick to his feet, digging for another weapon. Wartanga is ready for him and shocks him with a spinning wheel kick. Our hero drops, clutching his temple and backing away for a moment to recover. A dark cloud begins to loom overhead as T.Knuckles attempts to make it back to his Princess. Wartanga laughs wickedly and playfully stalks his prey. Draping his own body over Princess Atty’s in an attempt to protect, T.Knuckles searches desperately around his pockets for a mushroom.

The clouds break and Bowven’s ship begins is landing nearby. Bowven himself is standing rakishly at the bow, laughing merrily. Princess Betsy had changed into a rugged swashbuckling number and was doing gymnastics off the mainmast. Princess Atty begins to stir in time to groggily assess the situation. She places her palm against her head presses gently.

“What the fuck was that?”

“Apologies doll, but we’re on a tight schedule. We need to hustle now.”

Wartanga attempts to hoist Princess Atty over his shoulder, but she skips backward. Huffing, Wartanga launches forward again. The Princess scoots backward in response but doesn’t count on a rock in her path. Her arms flail in a wide circle comically as she falls gracelessly backward. Her feet and skirts fly over her head; a censor bar is quick to fill the screen across her uncovered netherregions. Wartanga stares down at this for a moment, balling up his fist and biting it before moving forward quickly to lower her skirts and nab her. T.Knuckles Hollars as he attempts to get up and make chase, but Bowven has left the ship and quickly slams T.Knuckles’ face into the ground. Princess Atty rolls her eyes as everyone disappears onto the ship.

Princess Betsy shimmies down the shaft and hops to her feet next to Princess Atty. The two royals exchange an amused glance as they look back at their captors. Both look at the pair of princesses as though they were a twelve-course meal and dessert. The Impossible Princesses eyebrow quirks up curiously as she plants her hands on her hips. Meanwhile, Wartanga inches closer towards the Princess often compared to many a Goddess. Princess Atty turns towards Betsy, reaching out for her bestie. Reaching back, Princess Betsy finds her hand and clasps onto it tightly. The scene fades out as our villains move in on our distressed damsels.

WARMING UP FOR THE BIG ONE
Barrel of Apes… Or is it Gorillas?

Having regrouped individually, Bourio and T.Knuckles were both met by a Toad and given a rendezvous point. Along the way, they were briefed by their Toad and started collecting as many coins for lives as they can. Once met, the two begin their adventure to reach Bowven’s ship to retrieve their women. They took turns along the way searching through brick clusters for coins to build their lives up. Several turns later, T.Knuckles is hopping repeatedly under a solid brick that seemed to have a neverending supply of coins within it. A frustrated look crosses his face as at last, after the ninth jump, the block clears. He falls to the ground exhausted, rubbing the top of his head.

“There has to be a better fuckin’ way to do this.”

“What do you mean, dude?”

“Getting the coins. Don’t tell me you enjoy busting your brain up every time you wanna add a life?”

“Bro… What the fuck? Why do you use your head?”

Bourio stares at T.Knuckles in open shock. Frustration builds in T.Knuckles and he jumps to his feet, inviting Bourio to the next block. Laughing openly in his face now, Bourio brushes past T.Knuckles and lines himself up under a block. Positioning himself, he launches himself upward, fist first. T.Knuckles face grows a brilliant red as Bourio effortlessly busts through several blocks at once with his fists. He’s moving so quickly, blinded by debris, that he doesn’t see the green pipe looming up ahead. T.Knuckles opens his mouth to warn him compatriots, then closes it again, crossing his arms over his chest and smirking. His entire face lights up when the impending impact occurs and Bourio’s screams of pain echo through the pixelated landscape.

“Fuckin’ pipes!” He hollers, rolling around, grabbing his foot.

Howling with laughter, T.Knuckles strolls over and pulls up Bourio by his red overall straps. In an effort to make up for allowing the incident, T.Knuckles dusts off spots of Bourio’s outfit. Straightening his red cap, Bourio looks over at the green pipe and considers their predicament.

“Average length, possible underground access. I haven’t seen any life so far… Hey, wait a minute. We haven’t seen ANY life so far.”

Bourio looks around them, realizing for the first time that not even a single Koopa had appeared to hinder them. Suddenly alert, both men begin to cast their eyes around the area. Their biggest mistake was focusing on the ground around them. Above them, dangerously silent, the sun opens an invisible pair of eyes as a mouth appears, baring sharp teeth. Spikes begin to grow out of a perfect circular orb. Bourio catches the shadows of the growing spikes and looks upward. He gasps as the sun hurls itself aggressively towards them; Bourio leaps into T.Knuckles, knocking them both out of the way.

Jumping quickly to their feet, both men jump over the pipe and attempt to run to the next part of the screen. They both run into an invisible block; stubbornly, both men attempt to keep pushing forward, to no avail. The sun launches another attack; they scramble over one another trying to get away.

“Into the pipe!” Bourio screams. He leaps up and is instantly sucked inside. T.Knuckles dodges yet another attack and leaps up desperately. He hits his mark is and is sucked down.

He falls out cursing, making a rolling landing at Bourio’s feet. T.Knuckles points towards another pipe just ahead of them. Getting to his feet, the two head over and through the next pipe. They crawl through blindly, with no idea of what’s on the other side. Once through, they stand upright, and looming before them is a large castle. Bowven’s skyship is anchored to a tree nearby, all of its occupants whisked off into the castle. Our heroes rush through the gates into the castle grounds. Colorful gardens and giant topiary statues decorate the massive yard leading towards castle gates.

No sooner than they start their rush up the grey stone path than a large wooden barrel comes flying at them. They jump to the opposite sides as the barrel crashes and splinters into pieces where they had just stood. They take cover behind thick tree trunks as another barrel comes flying at them. There’s a pause as neither dares to turn from their hiding place. They exchange a look from their respective spots and begin to look around. Among the wild plants, there had to be…

“Found some!” T.Knuckles screams. Grabbing a handful of a burning red flower, he gobbles some down quickly. His insides begin to burn as a red glow begins to emit from him. Counting to three, T.Knuckles rolls out of his cover and rushes towards Bourio. A barrel immediately comes flying his way and he dodges; when he lands, he aims a fireball in the direction of the barrels. This causes their assailant to pause and T.Knuckles makes it to his friend. Handing off the flower, he covers as Bourio quickly eats his share. Once he’s powered up, they sneak a peek around the tree. Atop the gates was Donkey Kong, though, in this world, it had the face of Jenny Myst.

Working in tandem, they rush forward, dodging and firing when they can. Donkey Myst continues to scream incoherently and throw barrels at her approaching foes. Standing together, the boys take one shot for all the marbles.

CRASH!!!!

Donkey Myst falls to the ground, stunned by a well-aimed fireball in her weak spot. Our heroes rush forward and enter the throne room. Both princesses are there, once again in their fancy gowns. They lounge together on a chaise lounger, watching with mild interest as their men rush through the doors. Bowven and Wartang stand at the ready in front of the girls, grinning smugly at the entering pair.

FINAL BATTLE
Aw bless, you’re still here!

“We’ve come for our ladies!” Bourio screams, stopping at the stairs leading to the thrones. Bowven approaches him casually, towering over him and sneering. Princess Betsy looks over in mild interest, her emerald eyes taking a lingering up and down look at Bowven. Princess Atty jabs at her titty with a giggle and the Impossible Princess giggles loudly and shrugs. None of this goes unnoticed by Bourio, who looks less than thrilled.

“Really with this?”

Princess Betsy giggles and shrugs helplessly. “What can I say? He did some really neat things with his tongue that I didn’t know could..”

“Fucks sake, I didn’t get attacked by the fucking sun for this.” Grumpily, Bourio flings a fireball in Bowven’s direction.

Wartanga laughs as Bowven easily dodges the shot and flicks it away with his sword. T.Knuckles rushes forward, but Princess Atty stands in front of Wartanga and holds out a hand to stop the charging warrior. T.Knuckles stops just short of the Goddess and his face falls as she leans into the waiting arms of Wartanga. Purple arms wrap around her waist and pull her against him as Princess Atty giggles throatily.

“No hard feelings, Dove.”

T.Knuckles’ lip curls with anger as his eyes flick between Princess Atty and Wartanga. With a howl of rage, T.Knuckles rushes the pair. All three of them fall over in a mess of limbs and skirts. Princess Betsy rushes forward and grabs her friend, pulling her free from the fray. Wartanga and T.Knuckles begin a bloody battle of blows while Bowven continues to dodge fireblasts from an enraged Bourio. The Princesses rush into a hiding place, watching the battle ensue from a hidden spot of safety. They gossipped wickedly among themselves as the men beat themselves to a pulp.

“You know what the most astounding part in all of this is?” Princess Betsy muses as Bourio gives up on the fireblasts and launches himself at Bowven. “We’ve been allowing ourselves to get kidnapped by these guys for decades, and those two will always come after us again anyway.”

“The risks of that platinum pussy, Dove. It turns the smartest men into blithering idiots.”

The girl's cackle as the men continue to fight on. After a time, our heroes eventually stand tall and look around for the Princesses. Rolling their eyes at one another, they come out from their hiding place and once again perform the song and dance of their thrilling rescue. As the men lead the way out of the castle to their happy future, the girls turn back to the rousing villains and gesture to them to find them soon. Steeling themselves, they turn and follow the bumbling heroes towards the inevitable conclusion of this tale.

And they lived Happily Ever After… For Now.

FORMER