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Centurion · (02-06-2021)

Graham Ledger: What we witnessed on Sunday night was absolutely horrendous, and an example of where our country will end up if we don’t do something about it. The people who run the Xtreme Wrestling Federation allowed a man to be murdered simply for his political views. They are testing the template for the rest of society. In what other parts of pop culture will it be legal to murder conservatives in cold blood? When a liberal ultimately shoots a conservative in a Starbucks, will the legal defense be “they deserved it? They were a conservative?” Andy Cortinovis should be thrown in jail and never let out, and the XWF should be shut down permanently by federal agents, but of course that isn’t going to happen, with socialist Joe Biden running the Attorney General’s office. This 100% would never have happened if Bill Barr was still the Attorney General of the United States.

(The screen playing the rant on OAN turns off. We open up inside the bathroom of Centurion in Chicago, Illinois. There, we see Centurion sitting in a bathtub, resting his head against the back of the tub, with a remote in his hand. He drops the remote down beside him and grabs a glass of Scotch that is on the other side of the tub. As he takes a sip, another head is seen in frame – the head of Ruby, who places her hands and head on Centurion’s chest.

The physical toll of Snow Job is plainly evident on both of them. Around Centurion’s eyes are bruises by the rocks and ice that were thrown in his face by Holy Roman War Horse, and Ruby’s shoulders and neck have several bruises from the Anarchy Title match. Sitting next to Centurion’s glass of scotch is an empty glass, next to a bottle of tequila. In front of the beverages sits the UGWC Cross-Hemiphere Title and the XWF Anarchy Title on top of the pile of clothes left there by the two lovers. Ruby closes her eyes as she gets more comfortable.)

Ruby: Why do you watch that junk? It only makes you mad.

Centurion: Vinnie reached out to me. He said there were some voicemails left at XWF HQ from people screaming about my match. Apparently, these conservative talking heads are making this a big deal on their shows. I guess when you no longer have Trump to constantly suck up to, you have to find something for content.

Ruby: You did throw a man off a roof. It is a pretty big deal.

Centurion: I wasn’t the one who issued the challenge, nor was I the one who decided on the match stipulations. That was him and his team. Of course, you’re never going to hear that on these shows, because that would make War Horse look like a fool and me look like someone who was just defending themselves. And you can’t have that.

Ruby: I wouldn’t worry too much about it. No one who watches these shows on a daily basis liked you to begin with. All they are doing is forcing Vinnie and Theo to defend you in the media, which you know is hurting them inside.

Centurion: It’s true. They might not care much for me, but they hate outsiders trying to tear down their industry, especially for something that was completely on the up and up. Vinnie and Theo will talk about how wonderful of a human being I am just to dig their heels into the ground. They’ll probably send me a bill for it, though.

(Centurion gently rubs the bruises on Ruby’s shoulder. In return, Ruby reaches up and rubs the bruises around Centurion’s eyebrows. She opens her eyes and gives a slight frown as she looks over the injury.)

Ruby: You’re really lucky. He could have gotten you in the eye.

Centurion: I think that was his plan.

Ruby: Watching it, it didn’t even look that bad. It just looked like he threw some snow in your face.

Centurion: There were all these tiny rocks all over the roof, and after the snow fell and some of it froze over, it turned into this hard mixture of ice, snow, and rocks. It was honestly harder than glass. There were times when he knocked me to the ground where I felt like I was shot.

Ruby: Yikes!

Centurion: But tonight isn’t about me.

(Centurion reaches over and grabs the bottle of tequila. He pours a bit into the empty glass before bringing it up and handing it to Ruby. She adjusts herself to be able to grab the glass without it falling into the water.)

Centurion: The first EVER three time Anarchy Champion! The greatest to ever step foot on that brand!

(Ruby lets out a bashful smile.)

Ruby: Oh, stop. I’m just happy to be doing what I’m doing and making people smile. Though, I have to admit, seeing Tula and Fury walking out without the title did feel pretty nice.

Centurion: You’re as humble as you are sexy, you know that?

(Ruby looks up at Centurion with a smile on her face.)

Ruby: Are you trying to seduce me?

Centurion: Depends. Is it working?

Ruby: Give me a few more glasses of this stuff, and everything you say will sound sexy.

(Centurion lets out a slight laugh as the two take a sip of their respective drinks. They then give each other a light kiss as the camera fades to black.)

------Chicks With Bricks Come, Chicks With Blocks Come------

I’m fighting a child.

You know, when Karen Hunt was asking folks whether or not they wanted to take part in a special Valentine’s Day edition of Savage, I thought it would be fun. I like themed stuff. Maybe it’s just me getting older, but I find the idea of celebrating certain occasions for the entertainment of an audience to be really nice. After all, if they’re going to spend their Valentine’s Day watching us instead of getting laid, then we should put on a decent show, right? So, I signed up.

I was unaware there would be a legit child signing up to fight. And I certainly didn’t think he would be booked.

What are the laws regarding this kind of stuff, anyway? I always assumed you had to be 18 in order to wrestle, but I guess you can do whatever you want if your parents sign off on it – and given this kid is a Blackwater, it probably didn’t take much convincing.

Seriously, how many of these fucking Blackwaters are there, anyway? There’s like, 8 of them who wrestle. Plus they’re related to Azreal Erebus somehow. And NAZI is also in that family in some capacity, I think. Fuck, I have no idea anymore. I need a notebook and a recorder in order to keep all this shit straight. All I know is that this one family has like, a hundred people in it, and they all decided to be professional wrestlers.

And look, legacy wrestlers have always been a thing. I’m not going to sit here and act like it’s wrong for kids of wrestlers get into the same business as their parents. If Nellie wanted to become a wrestler, I’d do everything in my power to help her achieve that goal. Thad Duke is the son of Sebastian Duke, and he’s doing pretty well for himself. I’m sure James Raven’s kid is going to grow up and be a superstar in this industry. I recognize that I’m so old now that my peers have kids who are becoming great wrestlers in their own right.

But…this kid is a Blackwater. So he’s already starting out at a disadvantage. That’s three generations of suckage that he has to fight through. The plus side is that he doesn’t have to worry about walking in anyone’s shadow. It’s not like he has this huge, legendary Blackwater name to live up to. He literally just has to walk to the ring without tripping on his shoelaces and he’ll already be better than half his family.

How do you feel about yourself heading into this match, Arkin…

Hold up, before I get into that…Arkin? PLEASE tell me that’s a family name. No one has a child in the 21st century and decides “you know what a good name would be? Arkin!” Little Baby Arkin? Sure, it’s better than Braydon or Caydon or Whateverthefuckdon, but it’s still…not right. School must have sucked for you.

Wait…did you even go to school? Does the Blackwater Family believe in education? Or do you all just sit around a table and read some old books and consider that “learning”? I can’t imagine any of the Blackwater Family going into higher education, unless there is a black sheep of the family out there somewhere. “Oh yeah, that’s my brother Jerry Blackwater. He’s a lawyer. We don’t see him much.”

Anyway, how do you feel about yourself heading into this match, Arkin? Are you confident? Are you sitting there thinking “oh my God, I get the opportunity to fight Centurion! This could be the biggest moment of my life! I could beat a legend!” I’m sure your old man is filling your brain with delusions about how you’re going to “slay the giant” and become this massive superstar off the back of this victory.

But be honest with yourself. Sit with your thoughts for a few seconds. Truly think about what is coming at you. Then ask yourself – how do you REALLY feel, because my guess is that there is a part of you that is absolutely petrified right now.

And that’s fine! Honestly, there is nothing wrong with that. You’re a teenager being thrown to the wolves. You have every right to be scared. Honestly, I think it’s fucked up that your family is allowing you to do this in the first place. They know how dangerous this business can be. They know what can happen in that ring. And yet, here you are, like a kid being picked last in a dodgeball game, looking to prove everyone wrong and make believers out of all of us.

Yeah, this ain’t the school yard, kid, and this isn’t some fairytale, either. This is real life, and in real life, you’re going to be stepping into the ring with someone who joined this federation before you were even born, and you’re going to have to find a way to not only out wrestle me, but to do so with the added elements of weapons thrown in the mix. What kind of weapons? Who the hell knows! Hopefully a box of those rock hard chocolates you see at CVS that are clearly from two years ago but no one ever buys them so they just keep them in storage all year long. Oh, and definitely those Necco hearts. I actually enjoy those things. I may be the only one.

It’s an impossible situation for you, kid. If you decide to forego the weapons, then you’ll have to try and beat me in a straight up wrestling match, and you KNOW that won’t happen. Seriously, think as highly of yourself as you want – it is literally impossible for you to go toe to toe with me under conventional rules and walk out with a victory. So, instead, you’re going to grab the weapons, but every weapon you bring into play has the added risk of being used on you in the end. So that aforementioned box of rock hard candy? You better be prepared to go face first into it if you decide to use them in the match. So you’re dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t. Isn’t this industry fun?

Still, I honestly wish you the best of luck, Arkin. I’m going to talk mad shit about you over the next couple of weeks, but the truth is, we need young wrestlers to step up in order to keep the business going. I don’t know what your future holds. You may be the next Thad Duke, or you may be the next Seth Feder. Only you can determine that, but I hope you make good choices and learn a lot along the way. You’re not going to win this match. It’s already been determined. But you can learn an awful lot just by being in the ring with me. Take advantage of that.

By the way, you’ll notice I’ve only mentioned one of my opponents. That’s because, despite Arkin Blackwater being a child, from a family of jobbers, wrestling in only his second match EVER, I STILL consider him to be a bigger threat to me in this match than Hanari Carnes. At least Arkin has the element of surprise. I have no idea how that kid is going to be or what he’s going to bring to the table. He has me a bit flat footed. He has the advantage in that aspect.

Hanari? I know everything about this dude…and he sucks. Not “sucks” like, in a Peter Gilmore dumpster fire kind of way. I concede that Hanari has SOME skills. At least one. When he decides to turn on the gas, he can be a difficult out. After all, he was part of the team that ended Apex’s tag team title run. So I can’t say he’s the worst wrestler I’ve ever seen.

But God damn, is he boring as sin. I know that’s a lot coming from me, the so called “Most Boring Man In Professional Wrestling”, but let’s be honest here – at least I can do some relatively entertaining stuff in the ring. I can string some half decent sentences together. Hanari has the charisma of a vacuum. A Dominican vacuum.

“Why did you bring race into it?” I hear you asking. It’s because that’s his ONLY PERSONALITY TRAIT! That, and you’re rich, which I can honestly appreciate it. There was a long stretch of my career when the only thing people knew me as was “the rich dude”. Now I’m “the old dude”. You’re not far away from that moniker, I assure you. Wait a second…

Are you…are you me? I mean a shitter, less successful version of me, obviously, but is that what you’re going for? Rich dude who loves sophisticated things? A sit down with a glass of scotch and a nice cigar and still think about how sad you are? Your peers get these glazed over looks when you talk because you’ve bored them to death? Son of a bitch, you’re a Dominican version of me.

Well, since that wonderful realization has been made, allow me to give you some advice – step on the gas. Take it from someone who has found themselves in your position a lot – it will not be long before you are completely forgotten about. If you keep wallowing in the middle of the card, unable to pick up wins against relatively easy opponents, there will come a time where management will just forget to book you. Either that, or they will put you in some throw away match just to get your name out there. You know how many wrestlers I had to fight whose names I completely forget? There were several times in my career when I would take just about any match offered to me. I would say “don’t become that guy”…

…but I fear you already have. It’s not like you have a “place” carved out in the XWF. People aren’t clamoring to see you. You’re just kind of trapped, barely staying afloat while younger, hungrier talents like Arkin are ready to dunk you in the water and drown you.

When the story of Hanari Carnes is written, what will it say? Will you like what is in there? Will you truly be able to look back on your career and say you’ve done well for yourself? Or will you constantly be thinking about the career you “COULD” have had. The things that you “COULD” have done, if you had one or two good breaks.

That is the massive difference between you and I, Hanari. If I walked away from this business today, I will be proud of what I did. Did I accomplish all my goals? Of course not, but I was able to do a lot. I touched a lot of people, and inspired a lot of great wrestlers. If the book closes right now, I’ll go away happy.

But not you. If your book closed today, it would kill you. You wouldn’t be able to sleep, knowing the opportunities that were laid at your feet that you ended up blowing. And yet, here you are, continuing to flounder, unable to figure out what is wrong with you, wondering if you’ll ever get that great opportunity again.

You’re red meat in the water, Hanari. For Arkin, this is a great opportunity. For you, this is a lifeline. This is your opportunity to pull yourself up from the darkness that you’re currently wallowing in. For Arkin, a win is a WANT. For you, it’s a NEED. And yet…for both of you, this match ends exactly the same way – on your back, looking up at the lights, after just meeting your…

FINAL FANTASY!!!

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