**Attempt One**

Thunder Knuckles is driving an early nineties Ford Bronco, drinking a Coors Banquet. The cameraman is in the passenger seat filming and Jimmy is in the backseat.


Thunder Knuckles.


Jimmy says looking down at his phone.


We’re getting pretty close. I think you should slow down.

I know where the fuck we’re going. We were just there a few fucking months ago. Jesus Jimmy, calm your fucking tits, man.


They are currently close to The Rose Bowl. That last known location of Unknown Soldier.


Did we really have to crash XWF99.com to figure this out?


Thunder Knuckles laughs the words,


No, mother fucker.


Shaking his head no longer laughing at the words.


I knew about this already. I fucking won my second Television Title that night. While Charlie was doing his best not to look fucking stupid. Spoiler alert! He failed. It's kinda like now, you know, failing the Television Title. Champion of Savage my ass. Fucking letting the Universal Title outshine his belt. Give me a fucking break.


Thunder Knuckles takes a big drink out of his beer until it's empty. He then promptly throws it out the window.


Jimmy! Hand me another beer.


Jimmy without looking up from his phone hands Thunder Knuckles another Coors.


Any-fucking-way, who could forget Unknown Soldier was inducted into the Hall of Legends that night?

I don’t think anyone will forget that Thunder Knuckles. Unknown Soldier stabbed Doc then Soldier and Peter Gilmour laughed wickedly about it. Why is soldier's energy still so strong if he hasn't been here in months?

That’s what we’re here for, dipshit. Jesus Christ! For such a fucking smart guy when comes to fucking rasslin you’re pretty fucking stupid when it comes to anything else, ya know that?


They pull into the Rose Bowl Parking lot, it’s empty.


I guess we’ll just pull up front?

The signature is coming from the loading area. We don't need to pull up front Thunder Knuckles, it's coming from the back of the stadium.


Thunder Knuckles quickly jerks the steering wheel. Sending Jimmy, who isn't wearing a seatbelt, crashing into the back passenger door. As Jimmy cracks his head off the glass, Thunder Knuckles smiles with delight, knowing that would happen.


Whatever you say, Jimmy.


They pull around back to see something before the camera can swing to look you hear Jimmy say,


No way!

HAHA! Mother fuckers! 'Ol Thunder Knuckles knew the fucking clue I got wasn’t bullshit that's the fucking flying pirate ship Unknown Soldier and Peter Gilmour use! FUCK YEAH!


Thunder Knuckles puts the Ford Bronco in park and swings open the door and rushes out towards the pirate ship.


See this shit, Jimmy! It’s fucking real! I always thought it was some kind of effect. You know, like these Left Hand, smoke and mirror, mother fuckers.

Now what?


Thunder Knuckles looks annoyed at Jimmy.


Now we steal this mother fucker! Then we fucking find fucking Soldier!


The camera fades to a previously recorded message from Thunder Knuckles to Geri.

**Preach**

This madam misery mother fucker said some shit in her promo against Jenny Myst that blew my fucking mind. Fuck it. Play that fucking audio clip, Todd! Un-fucking-believable.


Todd pipes in Geri Vayden’s voice.


I am too busy being a fucking winner.


Thunder Knuckles looks confused and questions.


At what? It hadn’t been in the ring in some time here in XWF. I fucking-well-know you're not talking about life. If you were, you sure as shit, wouldn't be hanging around with fucking Mopey-Won Kenobi and his traveling band of Mercy rip-offs. I mean fuck, if they needed YOU, of all goddamn people, to hatch a plan to take out the top name of XWF. They're all fucked! Thinking of you other than a stepping stone to bigger and better things is just fucking laughable. Wait, wait, there’s more… this shit is good too. Todd do your thing!


Todd pumps in more audio from Geri's Warfare promo.


We came in like a fucking hurricane and wrecked everything you thought you knew about each and every one of us.


Nope, wrong again, shit stain. ‘Ol Thunder Knuckles knew absolutely nothing about you before we were booked to face off. Fucking honestly though, if I had to guess beforehand. This is exactly what the fuck I would have expected. Dollar Store three-dollar horror movie bullshit and not even a fucking good one either. You know, more like a crap-ass movie where you were like, "I didn't just waste an hour and a half watching this." Fuck no. It’s one of those shit box flix that you throw directly in the goddamn garbage, as if, to thank God, herself, that you never have to watch that shit ever again.


Thunder Knuckles gives a lame version of his famous jerking off motion, so lackadaisical in fact, that he shouldn't have done it in the first place. Todd goes ahead and feeds some more audio from Geri’s promo work leading into her big match for the Shoot Star Title.


Your hatred makes me want to succeed. You, like the rest of the XWF, are shaking at the thought of the Left Hand taking over.


Thunder Knuckles laughs at the audio, starts to say something, and laughs again. He begins to shake not in fear, but sarcastically or maybe even from laughter, making light of Geri's trash talk.


Who the fuck fears you? Fucking furthermore you went from "winning" to "wanting". Fuck me! Make up your fucking mind! You’re fucking as intimidating as goddamn 20 puppies, man. Not one mother fucking sees your name across from theirs and says “I’m going to have to work fucking hard.” For fucks sake I gave you a chance to win and you didn’t even take it! Get the fuck out of here. Now you're not winning or wanting, you're just plain fucked.


Thunder Knuckles's smile becomes more obnoxious than it already was.


As for you shutting Jenny Myst up. Come on, you know she's gonna talk, with or without that fucking title, you’re just making a fucking fool of yourself now. You want, mother fuckers, to thank you for shutting her up. You’re a fucking tool. You haven't even shut her up the fuck up yet! 'Ol Thunder Knuckles takes it back, Geri. For real, your not just a fucking tool, I was wrong. Your a goddamn obscure tool, like a fucking priority fucking screwdriver. Like the kind you need to fix one fucking thing you own… Hoping you never fucking need it. Yet, it’s still there, being useless. Prove me wrong, bitch. Don't be useless.


Thunder Knuckles's obnoxious smile is now accompanied by a wink.


Nah, you don't fucking have it in ya. I mean, if you did, you'd have at least tried. At least Ash Quinn's underfeed, malnourished, looking ass tries. You? You're more the bottom-feeding type. They fired the only legend you could have beat. Now, bitch, you're stuck with us. A bunch of people that you don't stand a fucking chance against. So soak in these few minutes, lame-ass, because they're going away. Just like you. Just like the left hand. Poof! Gone in the blink of an eye. Just like the other shitty fucking gimmicks you've tried on. Unfortunately for you, this time, getting all that makeup off will be a chore. You're so laser-fucking-focused on something you can't and won't do on Warfare, to see the pile of shit your standing in on Savage, going up against 'Ol Thunder Knuckles. Let alone the pile your whole goddamn goon platoon is standing in with BOB. The fucking whole lot of you are wading in shit like it's fucking cool. Bitch, if it was cool James Raven would stand in shit all day. He doesn't. Because it's not.


Thunder Knuckles gives the middle finger to the camera and your screen cuts back to Thunder Knuckles and Jimmy. Who are on the pirate ship, sometime after they figured out how to fly it, and already made way on their voyage.

**Legends Never Die**

Where the fuck are we?

I honestly don’t know Thunder Knuckles. It looks like we’re flying over the ocean and have been for a while.

Why the fuck would we leave America? It’s the best fucking country on this whole goddamned planet.

What is that off in the distance? It looks like the ship is taking us straight for it!

Well, whatever it is I hope it slows the fuck down cause we’re coming up on it pretty fucking fast!


Just as Thunder Knuckles says that the ship begins slowing down. The air becomes heavy and the temperature drops 6.66 degrees. a slight gut of wind hits the men in the face. They have arrived at a small island in the middle of the ocean. The island has one palm tree and a man sitting by himself next to it.


Jimmy, stay here. Make sure this mother fucking thing doesn't move until I get back on it. I don’t need to be stranded like this poor fuck.


Thunder Knuckles deboards the flying vessel and notices the man as soon as he exits. The man's back is turned, but something about this man seems familiar.


Hey, mother fucker! Where are we? And why did this fucking ship fly us directly to you, here, of all goddamn places, in the middle of fucking nowhere?


The man's faint voice cracks as he speaks, he slowly stands back still turned.


Because it was our ship.

No, it can’t be.


Thunder Knuckles says with eyes wide. The man turns to reveal his identity.































































PETER FN GILMOUR!


You don’t know where we are Thunder Knuckles?

Holy shit, Pete! No, I don’t. What the fuck is this place?

It’s a place you’ve averted before. This place is called Banishment Island. You don't want to end up here.

Fuck me, Pete, let’s get you on the ship and take you home.


Peter moves his right leg and you can hear a chain rattle, as he moves.


Can’t. Chained to this palm tree.


The temperature lowers another 6.66 degrees as Thunder Knuckles looks down to see Peter's chained leg. A gust of wind blows Thunder Knuckles's curly locks of gorgeous hair making him look like a bald eagle's feathers flowing in the wind.


That fucking sucks, man.


Thunder Knuckles trying to get off the object of Peter being chained to a tree and left for dead.


Think you can tell me where to find Unknown Soldier? I, um, need to ask him a question?


Thunder Knuckles said unsurely. He doesn’t know if Peter trusts him.


I’ll tell you, but you have to do me a favor.

Sure thing Peter! You’re a fucking legend after all.

Make sure management knows that I'm going to sue them for breach of contract! I'm going to put them out of business! I got great lawyers back in the real world! I'm RICH!

Not a fucking problem, man. Done!


Thunder Knuckles shakes yes.


Yeah, totally. Now, Unknown Soldier? Where can I find him?

Come closer.

I swear to god Gilly! If you do some crazy shit, I'm going to punch you straight in the dick. I swear! You know goddamn well I will.


Thunder Knuckles inches closer, once in range, Peter whispers something in his ear.


Alright, Gilly! I'm fucking off! Got an important question to ask Soldier. Oh fuck, you know what? I saw something on my way off the ship. Hold on, I'll be right back.


Thunder Knuckles walks back onto the ship; he's gone for a few minutes before returning with some boxes.


I'm pretty fucking sure these are yours anyway. So, It should last you a while if you ration, I think.


Thunder Knuckles puts down the boxes and the cameraman gets a shot of them. They're boxes of chicken parm.


Good luck, Gilly.

Thanks, TK. Don't forget to tell management to SUCK MY SUPER DICK!


It begins to rain as Thunder Knuckles takes his last look at Peter Gilmour's wickedly smiling face. the wind is picking up briskly. Thunder Knuckles nods his head at Peter Gilmour, turns around, and walks back to the ship. Once inside and back with Jimmy, he places his hand on Jimmy's shoulder and says,


I think I know where the fuck we have to go next and I'm really, really, not going to fucking like it.

Who was that on the beach? You had to know them. You stood out there for way longer than I thought. You even took something back out.

A legend Jimmy. A fucking legend. He wanted me to say some shit, but he's stuck here, with zero xbux. So, you know. None of my business. Think you can get Todd to play a video package at the end of this promo?

He's never said no before. Why are you asking and not telling me? Is something wrong?


Thunder Knuckles wipes a tear from his eye without Jimmy noticing.


No.


Thunder Knuckles slaps Jimmy, in order to get his head back in the game.


Just get it the fuck done Jimmy.


Thunder Knuckles looks at the cameraman.


Well, cut the fucking feed you fucking idiot!


The scene fades to a BOB Production saying goodbye to the legend Peter FN Gilmour.