I was lounging in the locker room after a training session, sprawled out reading the latest Wonder Woman graphic novel when I felt it. It was like someone looking over my shoulder, reading my book with me. I heard a low buzzing sound, a thrumming that almost sounded like a bee or a fly. They got in the locker room at the gym from time to time so I didn't think much of it. I got up putting away my things in my gym bag and that's when I saw it.

A shiny, glossy metallic-looking screen of sorts floating there about shoulder height in front of me! It hummed and thrummed like the sound I heard when I was just sitting there a minute ago reading. Yeah, It was weird but hell I was in a wrestling fed with a guy who called himself Thunder Knuckles and another dude who walked around in a Spartan helmet but sounded like a 90s rapper. So you could see how it didn't phase me much to see a floating TV set.

I started walking and the thing hummed along right behind me. I turned around and the thing looked like it was blinking like an eye of some sort making a static sound softly. I looked at my hair and makeup in its shiny surface and checked for bugs in the grill. Dang, I looked good today! Just as I was about to turn around it zoomed closer buzzing and the screen snapped to life!

I jumped back startled and the screen was blinking like an eye again. I knocked on it and it made a thunking sound like an old school TV or computer monitor. All of a sudden I heard cheering from the other side and Alex Trebek's voice resonating in the open space of the garage. (If Lacklan could be on Price is Right, I can be the greatest Jeopardy contestant since Sean Connery dammit). The space in front of the screen lit up and I got sucked through popping on to the game show's sound stage.

Holy Dr Who Batman!! Where the hell am I? Wait a hot minute you're Alex Trebek! That must mean...

I turned around and Johnny what's his name said.....

And this is Jeopardy!!!

Right on!! I loved this show when I was a kid! I always felt so smart when I got one of the answers right. I was in the center and Britany Spears was on one side of me giggling like a dumb ass and Ozzy Osbourne of all people was mumbling on the other side of me. Something about Sharon and trolls. It was weird to say the least. I was brought out of my funk by Alex's sultry tones...

Sorry about the rough entrance young lady but with Covid we have to resort to unusual measures to get our contestants. It looks like you came through all in one piece, If anything feels off let production know.

Sure thing Alex will do. Er I mean What is sure thing Alex!!

He laughed telling me I didn't need to do that quite yet. I could feel nerves building and that little tingly feeling in your lower belly that let's you know you are gonna puke.

Oh please don't puke on Alex Trebek, I kept thinking to myself.

Alex explained the basic rules and then went through the list of categories from Potent Potables to The Letter Z. I shit you not that was a category! The letter fucking Z! The game picked up the pace with Brittany giggling like a moron and twirling her hair burying herself in the negative dollar amount. Ozzy mumbled and yelled SHARON every so often, but somehow he had gotten a few answers right. Alex looked at me rolling his eyes as I answered pretty much every question I beeped in on.

It came down to Final Jeopardy. The question was "What animal looks like a horse and has black and white stripes??"

Well duh, it was a zebra!! I was in the lead so I went last of course. Brittany even though she was massively in the red was still in it and answered with a crude drawing of Mickey Mouse. Then it was Ozzy's turn. His screen lit up with a picture of a bat. He mumbled something, screamed rock n roll and bit the head off a bat!! He immediately caught COVID and fell over foaming at the mouth.

I revealed my answer and was pronounced the winner by Alex!! The crowd started cheering and chanting my name...

ASH! ASH! ASH!

I was smiling and waving to the crowd saying thank you over and over again when I felt something shaking me.....

Ash!! Ash!! Its management, it's time for your match!

You mean I didn't beat Ozzy on Jeopardy??

Ozzy on what?? No! You were sleeping.

I laughed and got up as he walked out the door. I looked at myself in the mirror chuckling....

What is What the Fuck for 500 Alex??

Well Marfy it comes down to this!! Wednesday night we meet in the squared circle!! We go in as competitors and who knows we may come out as nay I say it, Friends. Nah, you're a pedo and I like visiting schools to give motivational speeches every now and then. If one of my friends wasn't allowed within 1000 yards of a school well that would just look bad, wouldn't it??

When it comes down to it I'm giving you your big break into the fed, aren't I? You thought your big entrance into the fed was gonna be a cakewalk match like with Fist Up the Butt or Jack Black I bet ?? Well sorry about your luck it ain't Nacho Libre it's Ash Quinn. But think about it. Nacho may have just rolled over and let you get over in your first match! Not me, oh No. I'm actually gonna send your smelly trench mouth ass back up the ramp on a stretcher. They are gonna have to do an hours long operation to remove my foot from your rectum! HA! Rectum..nearly killed em!!

I'm gonna knock you into next month forget next week. Oh, what was that? Next week is next month?? Well damn. Well whatever you get the point, I'm going to fuck up your world! See you in about 24 hours Marfy! Oh by the way this is how you blow a kiss...

Ash bends toward the camera giving the audience an excellent down shirt shot, puckers up, and blows Barf...er...Marf a sweet kiss