Charlie is sitting in the waiting room as he scrolls through his favorite social media sites with his iphonemax. He is dressed in ill fitting khaki pants, a red polo stained with mustard and barbeque sauce, and a pair of sneakers that have definitely seen brighter days. He opened up his DMs and found a rather rude and salty message from an online mark, probably Greggo in disguise, but his profile name was Lacklan_Lover69.

Lacklan_Lover69: You idiot! You big dumb goof! You’re not quoting Jean-Paul Lacklan, you’re quoting DEX! AKA TRAGIK! AKA Sarah’s great friend, follower of Jean-Paul, and former member of the Path of the Light Church and the guy Sarah paid to do the intro to her jeopardy video! Idiot!

Charlie scrunched his face as he typed his reply.

Charlie: What? What part was I wrong about? Was it not really JPL who said women don’t deserve to look men in the eye?

Lacklan_Lover69: Well no, JPL did say that…..

Charlie: What was I wrong about? Did JPL not say that women have no place in the wrestling business?

Lacklan_Lover69: Well no, JPL said that too….

Charlie: What was I wrong about? Did JPL actually secretly like gay people and lesbian sex scenes?

Lacklan_Lover69: Well..no…..JPL hated both of those things….

Charlie: What was I “misquoting” then?

Lacklan_Lover69: One of the things on twitter! It wasn’t JPL talking about raping transgender people, it was Tragik AKA Dex AKA the close family friend of the Lacklans who was following JPL’s church when he released that little video about hating jews and wanting to rape people!

Charlie: Oh…..I misattributed a quote or something on twitter?

Lacklan_Lover69: YEAH! IDIOT! FOOL! FATSO! 11!! JOBBER!!111!!!1111

Charlie rolled his eyes as he blocked the man he presumed to be Greggo.

Nurse: Charlie...Charlie?

Charlie’s ears perked up and his head elevated to meet the gaze of the friendly nurse calling his name from behind the desk. He tucked his phone in his pocket as he stood up, pushing his fat body out of the chair with minimal effort. The bearded man approached the desk.

Nurse: Head back through the door right there. Dr. Peterson is in his office at the end of the hall.

Charlie nodded at the woman seated behind the desk. He walked past her through the open doorway into a long, mayonnaise colored hallway. Charlie looked down at his reflection on the other side of the shiny linoleum floors. He wasn’t impressed with the man he saw. Charlie sighed as he walked to the end of the hall. He pushed the oak door at the end of the hall slightly ajar and peered into the room.



Charlie walked into the room as the gaunt doctor nodded at him. The elderly snake oil salesman spoke to Charlie, his voice sounding nearly identical to Kermit the Frog.

“Welcome, Charlie. Come, take a seat.”

The doctor gestured to the damn near identical couch positioned directly across the glass coffee table as he spoke. Charlie nodded in understanding.

“Good to see ya, doc.”

Charlie walked past as the coffee table. He took a seat directly next to Jordan Peterson. Charlie patted the good doctor on the thigh as he looked him in the eye.

“It feels good to be here, doc.”

Jordan Peterson scooted away looking at Charlie with a sour expression.

“Yes, yes….great to have you here.”

Jordan spoke with an undercurrent of sassy bitchiness as he got up and walked over to the other couch. He took an exasperated seat as he rubbed his hands against his knees. Jordan’s eyes shifted down to the glass table, which was stained with years of coffee spillage. Atop the table a pill bottle full of benzos stood tall next to a stack of books. Jordan Peterson coughed a few times into his hand before falling back into the comforts of his chair. The doctor’s gaze settled upon his new patient. In Charlie the Jungian doctor saw a familiar archetype: the magician. He knew he needed to craft Charlie into a ruler if he was ever going to survive this brutal world.

“Sorry for having to reschedule our meeting so many times, Charlie. A slavic man was running this office last week, pretending to be an esteemed psychological thinker. Spread mayonnaise all over the walls. We’re still washing it off. Slavs.”

Jordan Peterson shuddered as he stated the last word. His disdain for the slavic people was evident in his expression.

“Oh, Boris?”

“No...a fearsome man who goes only by Slavoj. But enough talk of the postmodern neomarxists. We are here to discuss YOU, Charlie. I’ve been paying attention, reading through your file. Watching your taped videos. Your life….seems like a cycle of chaos.”

Charlie nodded solemnly at the doctor’s prognosis.

“It is doc, it really is. And I have this pounding, throbbing pain in my head constantly...I ju-”

The doctor, who still sounds exactly like Kermit the Frog, interjected.

“I know, Charlie. I know everything that’s happened in your life these last two weeks. While earning my PhD in clinical psychology I learned to constantly be paying attention to developments in your client’s life. Even a first-time client. I’ve seen the troubles you’ve gone through. The pain you’ve suffered. You’re in the underworld, Charlie. The darkest depths of human existence. That chaotic place where hellfire and atrocity reign down upon you day after day. Your life has spiraled down, and now you find yourself in a pit. A pit of your own making.”

“It’s not my fault! That bitch Connie ruined me! And now Sarah has taken her place! All I can think about is her hair, falling down her pale face. Her red eyes staring up at me. Her soft flesh...she’s all I need! All I crave!”

The doctor shook his head from side to side as he chided Charlie.

“Just as the blind man does not see the monsters about to pull him into the pit of fire, you do not see the chaos dragons leading you astray. But Charlie, you’re not a blind man. You can see the ways of the world! See the evil wraiths that swim around you, hoping to bring you down into their sea of chaos.”

“Dragons? Wraiths? What the fuck are you talking about?”

The doctor shook his head from side to side as he smirked. A pretentious arrogance radiated from the man’s demeanor. He reached for the top book on the table, flipping it open to page 56. He set the page in front of Charlie, tapping the printed graphic on the page with his fingers so as to direct Charlie’s attention to it.



“This right here Charlie? This is the way of the world. I wrote about it in my book, Maps of Meaning. It was the masterpiece of the 90s. I sold dozens of copies, mostly to close friends and family. This book is my magnum opus. Do you see, Charlie? Do you understand now?”

Charlie shook his head from side to side, not able to understand the gibberish that had somehow been printed by the book’s publisher.

“Worry not, Charlie. When I taught at Harvard many young, naïve, and stupid children had similar difficulties understanding my science. Look here, Charlie. Our world is formed from the tension between God and the void. Hierarchy and anarchy. Order and chaos. God is an all-powerful King, and when he made the world he made it only in order. We all know this story. Adam and Eve and the garden. Well, what happens Charlie?”

“Adam and Eve are tricked by Satan into eating forbidden fruit.”

“Close, but not quite, Charlie. Yes, Satan is involved. But how is he involved? Many people say he takes the form of the snake, but if you read the Bible, you see that’s not quite true, is it? In all factuality, the form Satan took was that of a dragon. It was only AFTER Eve conspired with Lucifer, Satan, whatever you will his name to be, to DECEIVE Adam into violating the divine order through forbidden consumption. It was only after this conspiracy that God condemned snakes to lay on their bellies. Before, they flew. In the air, with wings. That is the only way the devil was able to access the forbidden fruit! You see, many people do not know the true bible stories. Your common preacherman simply can’t comprehend the true meaning behind the words in their special books.”

Charlie nodded in false understanding.

“The garden of eden was built behind a massive wall. A wall guarded by an angel with a flaming sword. A snake could never get into the garden, the walls were too massive. But a dragon? Well, a dragon could fly right over that wall, grab an apple, and flee before being caught by the angel. Well, that’s just what Satan did! And then Satan turned the woman against the man. Women are mentally weaker, you know? More agreeable. More docile. They give in to pressures and negative emotions far more easily than men do. That’s what makes them harbingers of chaos. Eve fell right in line, and it was HER that convinced Adam to violate the divine order and eat the forbidden fruit. This is important, Charlie. Satan himself could not get Adam to turn on God. That was a power only Eve had. Do you understand what this means?”

Charlie nodded once again.

“Yeah, yeah….no.”

The doctor sighed.

“Look at this graph again, Charlie. See here. Do you see how God creates paradise? A walled garden of order?”

Charlie nods.

“Good, good. And see here, look. There is chaos outside of the garden, chaos pulling away at the seams of order itself, trying to break down the paradise. The dragons of chaos work tirelessly to destroy all that is. To undermine the order. To undermine life itself. Chaos dragons seek to plunge us into the underworld. And against Adam, they succeeded. That’s why we as a species lost our immortality. The chaos dragons stole it from us, working hand in hand with the devil himself to drive us into the matriarchal world of darkness. The tale of Adam and Eve is a cautionary tale, Charlie. And it’s one you need to learn from.”

Charlie looked at the doctor with naivete, hoping to glean the information Jordan sought to provide.

“Adam could not see that Eve was a harbinger of chaos, that Eve was working hand in hand with the dark forces in this world to bring him into the darkness. Simply put, Adam did not see that Eve was a chaos dragon. As such, he did not seek to put her back in order. He did not fulfill man’s obligation of becoming the ‘ruler’. Instead, he acted as you do, Charlie. As an ill-fitting archetype, not suited to the realities of the world. Adam acted as the explorer, constantly yearning for new sensations and experiences. But that’s not you, Charlie. You are acting out an entirely different role in this life. You, Charlie, have fallen into the pit of the magician. It’s a sad place to be, really.”

“What do you mean?”

“The magician archetype always tries to make something special out of the world. Instead of defending the tangible order, the magician seeks to create and fulfill a dream that could never be realized. You chase after this Sarah woman like a madman. You are trying to create a life with her that could never exist. No matter what you say to her or what you do for her, you will never receive her love.”

“NO! Sarah WILL come to love me! Our matrimony is ordained by God!”

“No it isn’t!”

The doctor spoke simply and assertively.

“Honestly Charlie, where did you even get that notion from? It is absolutely ridiculous on its face. God made Adam and Eve in matrimony, did he not?”

Charlie considered the question for a few moments. Jordan moved on without an answer.

“But did Eve love Adam? No! She betrayed him, worked with the devil to bring about chaos and destroy the walled garden. And now? Now God’s plans have been blown up! Shattered into tiny pieces of order spaced out in a galaxy of chaos. But your response is exactly the response I would expect from the magician. You are trying to recreate God’s plan. Trying to create something new, something special with the world that has been left to us. It will never work. The chaos dragons feed off of that naivete. How can you possibly hope to defeat Sarah in a match if you expect her to love you, if you expect her to submit to you? You can’t!”

Jordan let the point sink in before continuing on.

“This devotion you have for Sarah? It works to her advantage. And she knows that. She’s happy to see it, as the chaos dragons are always happy to see a man fall into disorder. And then whe’s he at his lowest, totally at their whim, they destroy him. That’s why the magicians can never make it in this world. In order to conquer Sarah and take your rightful place as universal champion, you must fulfill the archetype of the ruler. You must become a King of Order.”

“A King of Order?”

Jordan Peterson sighed in exasperation as his words falled to get through to Charlie. The doctor flipped to page 235 of his book, revealing another whacko graphic.




“This right here, Charlie? This is the myth of redemption. This is the way forward. The way a magician becomes a King of Order. Do you understand now what you must do?”

Charlie shook his head from side to side, a confused but entranced look in his eye. The doctor sighed as he reached for his pill bottle. He opened the cap and popped two pills into his mouth, swallowing them dry. He exhaled with satisfaction as he set the pill bottle back on the table and tossed the cap to the floor.

“The King of Order is able to wade through the world undeterred by the dragons, sirens, and temptations that drag most men to their doom. The King of Order stands up to the Queen of Chaos, overcomes her, dethrones her, and sets the world right again. He keeps the hierarchy intact. He is able to reintegrate a dragon of chaos into the divine order, and by doing so he creates a state of gold. A little walled paradise all his own. God will not do this for the King of Order, but it is holy and divine. A King of Order is a strong and mighty man. Organized, disciplined, and powerful. Able to exert his will on the world absolutely. The King of Order is able to take on a chaos dragon and make her an honest woman. I did that with my wife and Igor did the same to my daughter.”

“That’s what I’m doing with Sarah, doc! I’m going to make her an honest woman!”

The doctor shook his head from side to side derisively.

“Don’t you see, Charlie?! She’s a Queen of Chaos! This is exactly the mistake of the magician. Attempting to create a special bond with a Queen of Chaos. It can’t be done, but by trying to magically change the chaos before you you are making sure that she eats you for dinner and takes you for all you got. A King of Order knows better than to try and tame a Queen of Chaos. It simply can’t be done. You must defeat her and then move on from her. After you destroy her you have to keep wading through the hellscape we find ourselves trapped in, preserving order with each and every step you take as the universal champion of the wrestling industry.”

Charlie nodded his head in acceptance and understanding. He winced as a brief throbbing of pain shot through his skull.

“But..what about my head, doc? It hurts so bad, all the time.”

The doctor leaned forward, stroking his chin for a few moments. Then, the lightbulb in his mind flashed on.

“It’s simple, Charlie. The pain you feel within your skull? It’s the attempt of the King of Order to come through and save the day. The archetypes live inside us, Charlie. Their personas are deeply interwoven with our psyche. You have let the magician take hold, but the King of Order wants to make you right. Put you back in order and prepare you for the task ahead. Prepare you for the albino dragon you’re set to share the stage with tomorrow night. Let him out, Charlie. Let the King put the XWF back in order.”

Charlie nodded as a look of confidence washed over him. Then, a brief hint of confusion made it’s way into the wrinkles on his face.

“But how do you know so much about wrestling? I thought most doctors didn’t really like the sport.”

“Oh, how could I not?”

Jordan Peterson closed Maps of Meaning and put it to the side. He grabbed another book and passed it to his patient. Charlie looked down at the book and chuckled.

“Assorted Analysis and Essays by Big D? Are you serious?”

The doctor was deadly serious.

“This is no laughing matter, Charlie. There are essential words of wisdom in that classic.”

Charlie shrugged, handing the book back to the doctor. Charlie never knew that Big D was such an accomplished scholar, but then again, Charlie doesn’t know most things.

“What must I do to become a King of Order?”

“You must conquer the chaos in your life.”

“But...how? The women, I understand: conquer the chaos dragons and defeat the queens of chaos. But what about the other struggles? How….how do I stay off the drugs? When I was only focused on Sarah, it was easy. I didn’t need the drugs if I knew I could have her. But...now? If I must destroy her? How do I avoid falling back into that downwards cycle?”

“Just don’t get addicted.”

Jordan Peterson reached once more for the bottle of benzos. He plucked a few more into his mouth, swallowing them dry.

“It’s not that easy!”

“Sure it is!”

Jordan Peterson grabbed a handful more of pills and swallowed them like a first grader eating halloween candy.

“Us Kings of Order? We can control the drugs. We set them in line, make them work for us. We don’t fall into addiction because we have the mental fortitude of giants.”

Jordan leaned back in his chair as his eyes got glossy and his heart slowed. His vision got a bit blurry, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“Those idiots at the rehab clinic my bitch of a wife sent me to didn’t understand the world. They didn’t understand the archetypes. But you and me, Charlie? We understand perfectly. We can walk the borders between chaos and order. Between life and death. And come out as stronger men. More righteous kings.”

Jordan and Charlie nodded at each other in agreement. Suddenly Jordan began to spasm, his muscles tremoring as a white fizzy liquid began to run down his chin. His body shook and convulsed for several seconds. His legs kicked against the glass coffee table, knocking over his bottle of pills. The little benzos spilled all over the floor as some blood began to drip from Jordan’s nose. Charlie cried out with concern as he reached across the table to grab the doctor.

“Doc, doc! Are you ok?! Nurse, nurse!”

A few more seconds passed before the shaking ceased. As Jordan came to he pushed Charlie back. The doctor rubbed the white fluid off of his chin with the sleeve of his shirt.

“That was my choice. I don’t need a nurse.”

“Wh-what?”

Jordan slowly rolled his eyes as he began to regain control of his muscles.

“I’m not addicted, I am a King of Order. We don’t get addicted, we don’t have seizures. We are in control of our worlds at all times. Do you get it now, Charlie?”

Charlie pondered for a few moments, quietly reflecting on this therapy session. The reflections were brought to a grinding halt as a disorienting pain shot through his skull. Charlie leaned forward, rubbing his cranium with both hands. He massaged his skull, weaving his fingers through his thick locks of hair. The pain seemed endless. All noise was drowned out. All sensation was lost from his body as the painful throbbing echoed throughout the man’s nervous system.

Then the pain was gone.

No, not gone. Reduced. Charlie still felt a tingling throb behind his eyes as he tried to reorient himself into this chaotic world. His body felt warm and free of fabric. He wiggled his toes as something passed through the gaps. The warm liquid felt soothing. A simple melody wiggled into Charlie's ears, sparking his imagination and bringing him back to his senses.



As Charlie opened his eyes he realized he was in a dimly lit bathroom, sitting in a tub full of warm water and a whole bunch of bubbles. He looked over to the sink across the room. A small black radio was seated on the back of the toilet. Charlie turned his head as looked down at his hands. Both hands were held up to Charlie’s chest, fully out of the reach of the waves below. In his left hand he held a white bic lighter that was almost out of juice. In his right hand a crack pipe with a whole lot left in it was just waiting to be smoked. Charlie winced as the pain came back to the forefront of his mind. He closed his eyes and shook his head from side to side, as if that would magically make the pain go away.

“No, no….remember what the doctor said.”

Charlie opened his eyes and looked up, his gaze fixating on the nearly translucent woman suddenly seated across from him in the tub. She too was naked, but the bubble bath covered all the good bits (unless you’re a shoulders man). Her skin was pale, albino even. Her eyes were a scarlet red. She smiled at Charlie, revealing a mouth full of blood-stained fangs.

“No, no, no...you won’t pull me under.”

Charlie brought the crack pipe to his lips. He sparked the lighter and let the flame hold for as long as it could. He inhaled slowly, fully appreciating each and every bit of smoke that was pulled into his lungs. The phantasmic figure began to speak with a voice full of softness.


Charlie's wakin' me
To my core and
Charlie's shakin' me
And tell my story
And Charlie's makin' me
And Charlie's makin' me smile
Oh oh now


Charlie closed his eyes as he focused on the new melody. The words were gentle and soothing.

Lay down, get kissed

Charlie leaned back into the bathtub, letting the crackpipe and the lighter be submerged underneath the bubbly waves. Bits of smoked crack escaped into the water, but Charlie didn’t seem to care.

Charlie's wakin' me
To my core and
Charlie's shakin' me
And tell my story
And Charlie's makin' me
And Charlie's makin' me smile
Oh oh now

“You’re smiling, baby? Do you finally love me?”

My heart, your skin
This love, I'm in
We don't arrive without a surprise

Charlie opened his eyes as he puckered his lips.

“FUCK!!!!!”






The dragon’s jaws were open and descending down onto Charlie! The dragon pushed Charlie into the waters below with its powerful front claws. The bathtub seemed to have no end as the beast dragged Charlie down into the abyssal depths! Charlie pushed off of the dragon, swimming away just in time to avoid the monster’s nasty bite! Charlie swam like a dolphin desperately fleeing Jim Jimson. He never looked back, he just held his breath and struggled to get to safety wherever it may be.

“OH FUCK ME!”

Charlie cried out as the dragon bit away a piece of Charlie’s calf! Charlie kicked blindly. He felt his foot connect with the dragon’s snout and propel him forward! Charlie looked around for a path, a weapon, a miracle, something, anything.

“A cave!”

Charlie cried out in joy as he saw a small cave on the floor of the...bathtub? It didn’t look like a bathtub. The bottom was full of dirt and plants, but a small crevice did form a path down into the depths. It wasn’t really a cave by definition, but Charlie isn’t a smart man by definition. Charlie swam down towards the hole, trying to outrun the dragon’s claws as the beast tried to prevent him from making the escape!

Charlie made it into the crevice just in time.

Where did it lead to? Frankly, Charlie didn’t care. He just knew that the dragon was too large to follow him. The cave is incredibly dark and narrow, save for a slither of light at the end. Charlie hurries towards it.




Charlie comes out of the tunnel a changed man. He is dressed in shining armor and somehow riding a horse covered with metal plating and blue drapings. A large broadsword hangs from Charlie's back. A small crossbow and a few dozen bolts hang from a bag slung over the shoulders of the jet black steed. The horse’s clattering hooves shook the ground with each and every stride. Charlie jostled around in the saddle as his mount rode along the cobblestone path. On either side of the path luscious pastures of natural grass swayed in the wind. Charlie looked around the scene, dazed and confused. The sun was high in the sky, casting shadows across the ground. Charlie’s shadow seemed to be smoking a crack pipe as he rode along the path.

A column of black smoke can be seen rising from a village in the distance. Charlie looked down at his horse, then back up to the column of smoke. He was riding straight towards it. He tried to slow the horse by kicking it in the sides and pulling up on the reins, but nothing seems to work. Charlie sighed as he gave in to the horse.

Within a few minutes Charlie could see the flames and hear the screams of the villagers in peril. Their homes were set ablaze. He rode to the town center, past the burning buildings and dead bodies. As he rode into the center of what used to be a town he saw only two figures. One of them was a tall man, but like, way tall. Like Yao Ming standing on top of Shaquille O'Neal while wearing a trench coat tall. His hair was red and he spoke with an irish accent.

“That dirtay Qween! Burned our olmes’!”

The man next to him was wearing barely any clothing. The loincloth between his thighs had been severely torched and very little of it was left. Nonetheless it did its job as you could not see even the hint of a phallus behind the loincloth. The man’s brown skin was covered in ash. His features were exaggerated in a very racist manner, as if he was a cartoon figure designed to be a mascot for the Cleveland Indians. He spoke in a somber tone.

“The Queen of Chaos torched everything...killed everyone. Well, everyone but us.”

“Do ye’ tink’ she ez’ cahmin’ back fo’ us?”

The cartoon version of Little Feather shrugged.

“Well if she does, at least we will be safe. The King of Order will protect us.”

The two men gave a military salute to Charlie.

“Huh?"

“The King has come to set the world back in order. Make it right. Re-establish the hierarchy.”

Charlie looked at the two men, confused by the look of adoration and respect in their eyes.

“Me?”

The cartoon characters nodded.

“You have come to save us, to save the wrestling industry. To bring order out of the chaos. To dethrone the Lacklan heiress and save us from her tyranny. The tyranny of monotony, a tyranny with enormous length. A tyranny that our universe needs to be delivered from. The day that the Queen of Chaos took hold of the championship belt was the day that our federation was shackled to its deathknell. But you, Charlie, have come to set things right. The King of Order, here to rescue the universal championship from the grips of a failed dynasty.”

Charlie let the idea roll around his mind for a few moments before the taller man interjected.

“Uh, lads, wos’ that?!”

The comically tall man pointed up to the sky. Charlie and Little Feather squinted to see it. Then, it came swooping down towards them!

“She’s here!”

Charlie squinted as he tried to make out the figure that was quickly closing the distance. It had white scales, red eyes, and enormous wings. Charlie tried to see the finer details of the beast, but it let out a mouthful of flames!

“It’s your responsibility, King Charles. Defeat the beast. Save us from her tyranny.”

Little Feather handed Charlie a metallic helmet out of nowhere. Charlie took the helmet as he nodded at Little Feather. The King placed the steel cap on his head, letting the crack rock encrusted helmet fall atop his plate shoulder pads. Charlie kicked his horse in the ribs with the heels of his feet, spurring it forward! Charlie reached for his broadsword, unsheathing it as he charged full steam ahead at the dragon making its descent. Charlie screamed as he prepared for the battle.

The dragon closed in quickly, coming down atop Charlie with incredible speed. The dragon opened it’s gullet, letting a belly full of flame engulf the path ahead! Charlie cared not. He raised his broadsword high as he charged into the inferno!


RING


RING


RING


RING

Charlie awoke to find himself still in the middle of a bubble bath, his pipe and lighter full of water and laying near his feet.


RING


RING


RING


RING

Charlie reached out of the tub, blindly searching for his phone on the grimey bathroom floor.

RING


RING


RING

“Give me a fucking minute.”

After a few more seconds of fumbling around Charlie was finally able to get his dripping wet palms on his cellphone. He brought the phone up to his ear, clicking the button to accept the call in the process.

“Who the fuck is this? What do you want?”

“Charlie, it’s Kelly Anne from XWF’s communications staff. Vinnie Lane said you weren’t doing enough media events to promote the big main event, so he sent some reporters to your room for a press conference. They’ve been pounding on your door for half an hour!”

“I don’t want to do that shit!”

“It’s not optional. It’s in your contract. If you don’t do the media events, we’re going to strip you of your title if you win it! You have to fulfill the contract!”

“Fuck you, bitch!”

Charlie screams into his phone as he chucks it across the room. It rams into the mirror, shattering the glass and ruining the phone. Charlie pulls himself out of the tub regretfully, stepping onto the bathroom tiles without concern for the pieces of glass strewn about. Charlie picks up the gray sweatpants and worn out wife beater he was wearing yesterday. He cradles them against his chest as he walks through the shards of glass to turn the radio off. He turns to face the door, walking towards it as he reaches for the knob. He turns the knob and steps out into the motel bedroom. His feet leave a trail of blood with each and every step. He pulls his wife beater over his body, unconcerned about the horse radish stains from last year. He pushes his feet into the raggedy old sweatpants, smearing blood across the interior of his pants as his glass-covered feet descended into the sleeves. Charlie opened the door to his motel room looking all the worse for wear.

“Charlie, what do you think about being called a jobber?”

“Charlie, how do you react to knowing that the bookies have this match at fifty thousand to one odds?”

“Charlie, how do you prepare for a match everyone knows you’re going to lose?”

“Charlie, are you really in love with Sarah Lacklan?”

Charlie yawns and stretches as he faces the pack of hyenas waiting outside of his room. They all have their little cameras and their little notepads. Each and every one of them is looking for a soundbite, looking for some click-bait bullshit to put in their headlines. Charlie wouldn’t normally entertain this kind of corporate bullshit, but fuck, sometimes you just have to do what the boss man wants.

“I don’t have any love for that bitch. She’s nothing but a spoiled brat playing pretend with the universal championship. The fact that all the nutlickers and fartsniffers in the back have her penciled in to win doesn’t mean shit to me. Her reign as champion has been noteworthy for only one thing: how fucking boring it has been. She won with a fluke victory against an exhausted opponent and only shows up once a month to go shopping in Paris and fight the third best member of Chaotic Inc or to interfere in someone else’s match. She’s not putting in the work a good champion should. That a real bonafide universal champion would. She’s doing the bare fucking basics and hoping no one notices. And guess what?

The dumb fucking monkeys in the back don’t even have a clue. She goes on jeopardy, reuses the same ‘pick your adventure’ shit she did for Gilly, and they go fucking nuts for it. She talks a whole fucking lot so they think she must be something special. But she doesn’t do shit. She never changes, never progresses. She’s just a bratty rich bitch all day, every day. Sarah Lacklan is as predictable as they come. Her words hardly matter when they’re all the same and they all go nowhere.

But the dumb fucking monkeys in the back don’t get that. All they know is shiny. They see a shiny little belt around someone’s waist and they start worshipping the ground they walk on. They don’t know any better. All they know is they could never be that good, they could never win that belt, so anyone who has it must be incredible. Amazing. Absolutely untouchable.

But they’re fucking wrong. They always are. No one ever sees an upset coming. That’s why it’s called a fucking upset, jack! I’m 275 pounds of All-American stud muffin but even still those talking heads don’t see me running up on the rich girl and taking her for all she’s got! But shit, that’s even better for Charlie. Does the disrespect get to me a bit? Does the knowledge that everyone thinks I’m going down gnaw away at me each day? Does the fact that the fans just see me as some fat jobber garbage guy keep me up at night?

Fuck no! The Chuckster is his own man and he plays the game of life by his own rules. He sets the world in order as he sees fit. The fact that Lacklan is looking past me, preparing to face Kris Von Bonn...or, shit...whoever the fuck it is. That shit doesn’t bother me in the least. I don’t care about that nonsense. About the hype.

All I care about is climbing that ladder and letting that belt come to daddy. I’m going to leave Lacklan’s body laying in a bloody pool in the middle of the ring. I’m going to let her taste the leather on my boots as I snuff out her championship reign. She isn’t going to like it. She’s not going to love it. Hell, she probably won’t even remember it.

But the jackals in the back? They’ll remember it. And the bookies in Vegas? They’ll remember it, too. And they’ll never bet against ol’ Charlie again. Not that I give two shits.

Now get the fuck out of here and let me get some rest, damn it!”

Charlie slammed the door shut on this chapter of his story.