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Dick Powers · (09-27-2020)

My Mind's Tellin' Me No

Hola, mi nombre es Dick pero puedes llamarme papi.
(Hello, my name is Dick but you can call me daddy.)

Man, that felt weird to think. Can you imagine if some moron did an entire promo like that? That would be pretty fucking annoying. I take a sip from my Mojito as I recline on a sunbed in the sweltering heat. A droplet of water falls from the glass and lands on my ripped chest and flows down hitting my nipple and erecting it before disappearing down my silk kimono. You watch this and melt like butter, a quivering surges in your nether regions one that you haven't felt since you were 14 years old when the busty Ms Hancock bent over to help you with a maths question, exposing her plump breasts mere inches from your face. Sure, she was 60 and had varicose veins but this was your first sexual experience as a youngling and it was mind-blowing. Taking your trapper keeper and placing it over the crotch of your JNCOs to hide the first public erection of many, savouring this moment and your thoughts only to be exploded when you got home, staining the bedsheets and scaring your Tamagotchi's short life.

This was the moment you became a man. The earth-shattering, world-changing event! This moment here is something that collapses your world view and brings you forward into total ecstasy. The warmth from your groin while your spine tingles. The dryness in your mouth conflicting with the moisture in your pants. YES! Let it flow my dudes and dudettes. For this is the greatest moment of your life, something of which you never thought you could see in your lifetime.

This.

Is a second Dick Powers promo.

I'll allow you to recover. Now take this towel and clean yourself up you dirty whore.

I sit up criss-cross applesauce and remove my sunglasses looking at you! The sexy in a weird way and unwashed viewer. Taking a final sip and twitching as that icy cold water drop hits my bull-sized balls. With a gentle smile, I pose you a question I know everyone will say no to.

"Did anyone watch Hanari's bullshit!?"

"What in the ever-loving fuck happened there!? It's like I was watching a movie with subtitles and dubbed over voices; like nothing matched and it just became the longest disorganized mess of shit I've ever seen. Dude, hire a new editor or something because that was so uncool! Was that on purpose or was that girl you fucked your director and you did so bad of a job of handing over the dick she screwed you over in return?"

"Speaking of smashing, did you have sex just for me? Because I'm the King of Clits? The Slambassador with emphasis on the ASS? Big Dick with the Biggus Dickus? You shouldn't have! Is this what you do? You clearly lack any form of identity so you just latch onto whatever your opponent is and copy them in some vein attempt to drain charisma from them? Like some kind of tanned vampire. You're like a cuckoo bird, dude. Laying your eggs in a rival's nest. It's pretty fucking desperate not gonna lie. If you're gonna have sex in a promo at least make it seem fun!"

"You delivered the under the ball shot in porn with this failure of a promo. You bang this chick who very clearly fakes an orgasm and then you fucking cuss her out!?"

"What the fuck is wrong with you man!?"

"You bang this girl you JUST met and then proceed to degrade her? The fuck!? Have you had sex before? Have you ever talked to a woman? Be rough yeah, spank her ass, spit in her mouth and call her names when you're rearranging her guts but just to switch to being a complete asshole afterward is the boldest fucking neg I have ever seen. You clearly know women well, man by talking about yourself and your furniture. Shit dude, you must be swimming in puss in between murdering people because they have a better business card than you."

"You, haha! You don't let her answer when you start harassing her like a cop with penis envy and intimacy issues and you accuse her, I quote, for only sleeping in with you because she knew how famous you are."

I stammer, throwing out my large, moisturized palms with a chuckle.

"You? You have the audacity to claim to be so famous that chicks want your bean burrito? And then you complain about that!? Dude, I promise, you are forgotten about on a weekly basis. I show up every other pay-per-view and people always remember me and still love me, baby, I get way more attention that you could dream of and you honestly believe that chicks want you because you're a low-tier side character on a wrestling show!? Fucking what!?"

"So, you berate this girl, get mad like an incel and kick her out? That is the most brutal post-nut clarity I have ever fucking seen, dude. All the way, the dialogue switches between Spanish and English so not only do I have to listen to this dumbass I have to see it fucking twice! Wha-wha-what is your point here? To show you have sex with many women? To prove that you're an asshole? What?! What does this add at all, man? This is why you're never going to get anywhere in this business, dude. You just copy whatever your opponent does, throw your twist on it which the twist is do it badly, and bang your head against a wall continuously forever until you pass out for a few weeks and reappear to no applause and repeat the cycle."

"You see, Hanari, I treat my wrestling career like a good woman or one-night-stand. You don't have to have the abs, money, and horse cock, I do and it does help but you don't need that. You need to keep it cool and be funny. Bitches love funny. So when I pop up from time to time, it doesn't matter what happens because I do my job of making the audience have a great time, I make the wrestlers laugh, I have fun and others love that! That's why people are scrambling for Dick and why no one gives two fucks and a duck about you."

"Look at Mastermind! That dude suuuuuucks! But he's got himself a group of people with him who sucks as much as he does, maybe even worse! So, instead of being forgotten about every week, he and his group force themselves into everything so they have to be seen."

"Look at Greggo! That dude is creepy, ugly, and possible a slug-human hybrid. But he 'manages' Sarah Lacklan, so he has some of that sweet, sweet limelight."

"What do you do, dude? Like, be honest, what have you done where people thought, hot damn, Hanari Carnes sure is an up and comer? What have you done to even be considered a comer? Honestly, when I saw you I thought they just put one of the janitors in a match against me... Not meaning to be racist or anything, not saying all custodians are Hispanic... Some are white too. But c'mon, who are you? Where do you want to be in 5 years? What is your goal, man?"

"Because from the looks of your floundering and failing over and over again it seems like you're actually proud of being the blank space between the lines. Some douche who claims to be the most ruthless wrestler in a placed called the Xtreme Wrestling Federation... Do you realize how fucking dumb you sound, dude? Robert Main pretends to be a zombie man but he's still hardcore as fuck, Charlie Nickles is basically a barbwire baseball bat with a poodle perm, Robbie Bourbon powerbombs people into the shadow realm every time he shows up, Doctor D'Ville is here! He's fucking crazy! And Lacklan can tie people into knots while Fortnite dancing on them and you have the BALLS to say your style of wrestling is the most ruthless!?"

"You."

"The blandest man on the planet."

"The most ruthless!?"

"Dude. Get a grip!"

"I have seen girl scouts more ruthless than you. I would take a cross-armbreaker from you any day than have to deal with those tiny drug-pushing devils. You're not sadistic or brutal, you wear a fucking eggshell white dress scarf for Christ's sake. You make empty threats we're supposed to take seriously because... Reasons? You say you're as cool as a cucumber when just before you fail at tearing me a new asshole everyone witnessed you cry and blow snot bubbles at a girl because she didn't like you for you. Dude, I think I could beat you with a warm blanket and tub of Hagen-Dasz you gigantic pussy. Then in the dumbest leap of logic I have ever seen is that you have a better chance of beating Main because you faced him a few times before."

"Did you happen to win at any of those times?"

"Because I don't think you did so clearly he has the upper hand in matches against you. At the very least, when he faces me he won't see it coming. He won't know to look out for. Y'know how memory works, right Hanari? If something is new, it's kinda hard to predict. I doubt Main remembers how to beat your ass like border patrol from the first time he won against you, you magnificent

."

"Dude, you suck."

"You are so bad at this job it's made me motivated enough to do a second promo just to tell you this."

"I am going to do the world and Main the biggest favor and not have anyone see Carnes have another undeserved title shot. And if Wizard wins that's sweet too, magic is dope and the robes are breezy and it feels great on a windy day."

"Hanari, I'm gonna skullfuck you and teabag your corpse, dude. No Dicking around, it's time to beat up a misogynist. Adios, amigo!"

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