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X-treme Wrestling Federation BOARDS » XWF PPV Boards » Relentless Day 3 RP Board 2020
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Relentless Media, Part II: Come on down!
Author Message
Lacklan Offline
Low Effort
TITLE - Universal Champion

XWF FanBase:
The 'cool' kliq fans

(booed by casual fans; opportunistic; often plays dirty while setting the trends)

Post: #1
09-14-2020 12:54 PM

“Holy crap!”

“Language, Sis!”

“I’ll add more to the swear jar.”

“You have so much in there that half of my first semester at SACC is already paid for.”



“Will you two shut your traps?”

“Kenzi’s right, bbs.”

The fearsome female foursome collectively known as the Cool Kids get settled in their seats, with Sarah Grey-Lacklan, the older (but not taller) Lacklan Sister sharing dagger-filled eyes with her younger (but not smaller) counterpart in Angelica Vaughn, as well as a few sharp elbows when out of the sight of their companions. Said companions, XWF’s own legendary “Bombshel” champion Roxy Cotton, and the “Face of Anarchy” Kenzi Grey-Lacklan, playfully ignore the two squabbling siblings.

“Mang! I hope they pick me!”

“They don’t pick black people, bb.”

“That’s racist.”

“It’s a white person game show, bb.”

All around the eye-catching group, men and women...the vast majority being pretty white among themselves, most wearing matching or themed shirts. The Cool Kids are also decked out in matching shirts with their “Cool Kids” silver and black design on the front, though in different forms. Sarah’s shirt has unnecessarily puffy sleeves, Kenzi’s is a spaghetti strap, Angie’s short-sleeve includes a turtle neck, and Roxy’s features a neckline so deep to show off her ridiculously buxom chest that the Cool Kids design has to be placed at the level of her stomach.

“Besides, they’ll probably choose Angie.”

Sarah scowls at Roxy and chews on her lips.

“Not necessarily! Just because it’s always ‘Angie Angie Angie’-”

“...that’s nabs true but sounds like a totes neato idea!”

“-doesn’t mean they’ll choose her. Of the four of us, I am absoLUTELY the most important right now. Universal Champ, bay-bay!”

“ champ still sounds better…”

“ really got to let that go, Kenz…”

“Hey, remember when I used to call it the Universal/World/Global/Undisputed/TheNameLiterallyOnlyMattersToCryingPissbabiesWithAgendas Championship? That added, like, a foot to the depth of our pool.”

“Please stop causing Vinnie headaches, Sar.”


Angie’s admonition silences her friends as the house lights dim. At the front of the stage, a man wearing a headset, who had been coaching the crowd on the decorum of the game show, waves his hands wildly. The crowd cheers in response, including the Cool Kids hooting and hollering. For a full minute, the crowd cheers until, and the disembodied voice of the announcer fills the P.A.

“And now! From the Bob Barker Studio at CBS in Hollywood, it’s The Price is Right!”

The camera continues to pan the cheering crowd.

“Michael Carrozzo...come on down!”

In the center of the building, a thin man with curly hair stands up, cheered on by a group of men wearing green shirts which match his. His smile is wide as he pushes his way across his aisle.

“Adam Akimoto...come on down!”

In the far left corner, a rotund Asian man slowly gets to his feet, cheered on by a woman with hair ripped from the pin-ups of the 1950s.

“Dave Gomez...come on down!”

A beautiful man with a receding hairline gets to his feet, standing with a vibrant grace and a smile ever as expensive as a certain heroine, with all of the women around him near to fawning.

“Sarah Grey-Lacklan...come on down!”




Sarah herself is speechless as her friends slap her on the back. They push her to her feet as the crowd continues to cheer, and the albino shakes off her shock and makes her way down the aisle. At the front of the stage, she passes by the three man already in front of their station on the way to her own, doing her best to subtly avoid touching any member of the crowd, until she stands behind her own station and microphone, her body slightly hopping up and down in excitement.

“You are the first four contestants on the Price is Right!”

The four wave to their various friends and cohorts within the crowd.

“And is your host...DREW CAREY!”

Out from the back, Drew Carey steps though the double sliding doors with a wide smile on his face. He soaks in the cheers as he is handed his long mic by a beautiful stagehand, and he finally holds his hands up for the crowd to quiet down.

“Welcome everybody!”

He looks down at the first four contestants and then back towards the camera.

“Let’s get this thing started right away!”

A beautiful woman walks out onto the stage in front of Contestant’s Row holding a small box. She opens it to reveal a fluorescent pink vaping pen with several refill vials.

“Just in time for the XWF’s revival of 90s culture with their Relentless festival, this vaping pen can help you smoke out rings which turn into fire-breathing dragons! Available in an assortment of colors, including hot fuchsia, hot lavender, hot bubblegum, hot strawberry, hot salmon, hot coral, hot blush, hot ballet slipper, and more! It’s totally rad, tubular, all that AND a bag of chips! And can be YOURS if YOU guess the right price!”

Drew gives the woman a genuine smile and then looks down at the far left contestant.

“The bid starts with you, Michael. Closest to the actual retail price, without going over, moves on to the Prize Round.”

The lean man leans into his microphone.


Drew moves to the next person.



Drew gives him a nod and moves to his right.


The man gives his bright smile, and several women swoon...including Angie up in the stands, but the camera misses that.


Drew moves to his right again and looks down at the albino


Sarah turns to the crowd and casts her eyes to the back where her crew sits.

“She HAS to know this. She knows ALL the numbers.”

“It’s literally on the X-Bux site!”

“He is SO CUTE.”

“Stop staring at that cute boy, Ang.”

“I can’t help it!”

“She has a point, bb.”

Down below, Sarah turns back to Drew and gives him a confident nod.


Drew backs away and looks at his cards.

“Actual retail price of the Vinnie Lane Vaping Pen…$2000!”

The price on the station in front of David flashes and the crowd cheers. The beautiful man makes his way up onto the stage. As the camera pulls away, Sarah turns on her heel and looks up at her friends with a face full of anger.

“Wow, she mad.”

“How can she screw that up?”

“...I wonder if he’s single...”

“I’m sure she’ll get the next one.”

“Hey, they’re doing the golfing game.”

“ I could help him with his putter…”

“Oh dang, the prize is a new armoire. Sar would have loved that.”

“She’d probably just use it for some ancient plates or wine glasses from Transylvania or something lame, bb.”

“...mmmm, choke up on that handle…”



“Ha, he lost. Loser.”

“Mang....look at Sar’s face. She is fuming.”

“Wonder what she’s thinking?”

Freaking Vinnie. What a terrible boss! It's bad enough that I had to deal with how he exploited me and Kenzi in my first run to use us for ratings, but then he goes and books nothing but garbage for, like, a year and a half. Unfortunately, that now means my poor Beloved has to deal with dumb shit like Giant Flerken Cage Matches, or whatever bullshit pops into his head next. I know I've laid a long line of blame for the state of the XWF on some of the different owner and bookers that have been around, like people who delight in seeing like some guy get flayed alive or be fed his own disembodied junk, some other stupid shit like that, but I bet plenty of it has to do with Vinny, too. Hell, he was the champ here for a long time, right? I bet he always wanted to book people in the garbage he had to deal with as a wrestler. Vinnie doesn't understand the sweetness of an arm drag takedown transitioned into an armlock. Doesn't appreciate the subtle beauty between a lariat and clothesline.

No wonder why Charlie has a job! That fat fuck doesn't know the difference between a scorpion lock a double leg trap inverted twist. All HE knows how to do is swing something covered in barbed wire! All HE knows how to do is break a table! All HE knows how to do is set something on fire and use a body to put it out! Sure, that's “great” in front of thimbleful of people dropping their pennies to see some barbaric fight better reserved for the Colosseum in Ancient Rome, but that's got nothing to do with me nothing to with professional wrestling! I bet Vinnie loves the fact that Charlie gets to wrestle in front his crowd in the main event of his stupid 90s show. I bet he loves the idea of that posterboy for Obesity Today Magazine getting so blown up wrestling in the deep waters with me that he ends up desperately sucking wind 10 minutes in. I bet Vinnie giggles at the thought of Charlie’s stringy hair being doused in a mixture of our blood and sweat, flinging about his head as he tries to fight off the pain of the Pigeonwing, the grotesque cocktail of fluids stinging his eyes. Hell, I bet he hopes that Charlie puts my head down on a table and smashes it with a hammer like Gallagher, making my brains splatter the Rose Bowl crowd so that they get riled up!

Stupid Vinnie and his stupid vaping pen. I can do a dragon too, Vinnie! I took you DOWN in our Vape-Off last year before I quit smoking! I doubt Charlie can make a freakin’ dragon. Just look at him! His cardio is so inferior that he’d probably take one drag and end up sputtering and hacking on the ground. That’s gonna cost him at Relentless, man. I’m known for taking people into the deep end, known for making them go further and farther than they want to go. And Charlie? With that slab of flab his tired Old Man Bones is carrying around? He’ll be seeing stars before we even kick it into second gear. I hope Vinnie’s bloodlust is sated as I wrap up Charlie, push and pull his limbs at my whim, transitioning from an armbreaker and into an octopus stretch before finally getting in the hammerlock and crossface.

I wonder if Vinnie can vape a pigeon?

“Ellen Kong...COME ON DOWN!”

The crowd cheers as an Asian woman in her early 40s with thin glasses gets to her feet. All around her, men and women cheer and slap her hands. She makes her way down the aisle and in front of the podium next to Sarah, and Drew gives her a welcoming smile.

“Let’s see what’s next!”

A pretty woman comes out, but her usual sparkling gown is covered up by an extra large t-shirt featuring a masked superhero.

“A must for all up and coming crime fighters, this 100% latex t-shirt of the XWF’s resident Hero of the People, the Banana-Lime Blur, the former 2x Anarchy Champion, Ruby DeBuchy can be YOURS if the Price is Right!”

Drew keeps his smile as he points down to Ellen. The woman looks up at her friends, who shout out numerous numbers, and then looks back to Drew.


Next to her, Sarah’s face turns downward into a scowl.

“Drew, I KNOW that dum dum and I KNOW that she charges something like $2500 for a shirt and donates all but the cost to orphans in Nigeria.”

Drew gives her a nod, not believing the outlandish claim, and moves to the far side of Contestant’s Row.


Next to the thin man, the dumpy Asian man looks slyly down at Sarah before turning back to Drew.



“Actual retail price…$3000!”

“Ouch, that’s rough.”

“That doesn’t seem very fair.”

“Those are the rules, bb.”

“Oh man, he gets to play shuffle board!”

“And for a new closet organizer? Sis would have LOVED that.”

“Look at how mad she is!”

Stupid Ruby’s stupid shirt. How could it be THAT expensive?! Honestly, her dumb Ruby-Oh’s are only, like, $3 a box! How can ONE of her shirts cost more than THREE of mine?! Ugh...she probably offers them in a bunch of sizes in order to be “inclusive,” too. Not me! Mine are only available in Extra Small and Small. Well, and Medium, of course, because I had to make a shirt that fit ove Roxy’s ginormous boobs. But none of this Fat Chicks XXL gear! I bet Ruby has TONS of shirts in fat people sizes. I bet she even has one big enough to fit Charlie!

I bet she loves Charlie, too. I bet she looks at him and thinks “This is a project for Everyone's Hero!” She looks at the despicable things he does to his family and thinks “I can fix him, because I’m the Good Guy!!” I bet she looks at the garbage he likes to employ, looks at the detestable way he views our glorious business, and thinks “I can help him learn the error of his ways!”

Please. The only help Charlie needs is out of this business. The only help Charlie needs is into the ambulance. The only help Charlie needs that of the psychiatric kind.

Hey, there’s an idea! I think that, after I bust his knees so that he can’t walk and rip out his shoulder so that he can’t climb, after he has to watch my #SquatBooty ascend the ladder and take down my championship at Relentless, I’ll help him. I’ll arrange for Doctor Reznik to slip him into a bright and shiny new white coat, give him some Happy Juice, and let him hang out with some other animalistic miscreants. This way, Charlie can take some time to figure out who and what he is. This way, his family can see him for the villain he is and find some peace. This way, we can get another abuser off the streets and out of my business.

I can wear a mask, Ruby! It’s not just you! YOU aren’t the ONLY hero we know! I can be the hero that all of the little girls look up to. I can be the hero that all of the aspiring wrestlers find inspiration within. I can be the hero that ALL of the world admires and loves. I can be the hero of the people who don’t want to see idiots like Charlie bleed everywhere for the sake of sensational barbarism. I can be the hero of the people who see wrestling as what it is meant to be: God’s sport, the standard of our societal DNA, filled with the majesty of rules and law, and not the chaotic nonsense that would employ a trash heap like Charlie.

I can be a hero, too, Ruby. And I’ll even make YOU thank me for it.

“Deserie Akes….come on down! You’re next on the Price is Right!”

A large woman slowly gets to her feet, her face full of joy. Cheered on by other large women, she slowly makes her way down the aisle and takes the second slot.”

“Welcome to the show, Deserie, and good luck. Let’s see what’s next up!”

A pretty woman walks out from the back holding a jar of a congealed grey substance.

“Have you ever wondered what a liposuction doctor sees? Have you ever wanted to PLAY Liposuction Doctor with your friends and family? Now you can! With THIS authentic jar of Peter Gilmour’s fat! Sucked straight from the XWF superstar, it comes with a certificate of authenticity and a copy of The Idiot’s Guide to Digressions. It’s all YOURS if YOU get the right price!”

Drew blinks a few times in surprise, but his smile remains. Deserie takes in the suggestions of her friends and then lans into the microphone.


Drew moves to Ellen and the bookish woman response after a discerning look at the jar of fat.


Drew turns to Sarah...whose face is frozen in disgust.



“sigh...she just beat the guy….maybe she knows?”

Sarah blinks several times behind her glasses, lets out a sigh, and bids.

“There’s no damn way that thing is more than $1.”

Drew moves back to the front of Contestant’s Row where the thin man gives Sarah a look while he chews on his lips.



“Actual retail price of the jar of Gilly’s Fat…$250!”

“Oh man...Sar is going to lose it.”

“That’s twice in a row, Kenz!”

“A new car?!”

“Man! I wanted a new car!”

“You can’t drive, Sissy-in-Law.”

“I have a license.”

“And still don’t know how to drive.”

“...shit up…”

Oh, for fucks sake! How is that even a thing?! How is Gilly’s disgusting fat a purchasable item with an actual retail price?! I mean, it’s bad enough that we’ve had to deal with Gilly eternally talking about his Super Dick during his sixteenth sadistic digression, but we ALSO have to deal with THAT?! Which weight loss is this even from, anyway? The FIRST time he lost all the weight? Or perhaps the third, fourth, or fifth time he’s yo-yo’d in his career of endless depression and mood swings?

So freakin’ gross.

Ya know, I bet the Gilster LOVES the Chuckster. I bet he looks at him and sees a kindred spirit. He looks at him and thinks “Finally! Someone else for the tentacle erotica fans to squeal over! We can be partners!” Can you imagine that? Gilly and Charlie teaming up? Can you imagine the idiocy of THOSE adventures and promotional videos?! We’ll probaby see Charlie grab Gilly’s ninja demon side-piece, have sex with her (likely using “Jobber McJobberton” Shane Carver’s tears as lube!), throw her out a window, and then, as Peter Griffin narrates it with the monotone fit for Peterotica, watch together as she lets loose a pair of skeletal wings that she, guess what, HAD ALL ALONG!


Sweet Baby Jesus, what a horrific thought.

Ya know, I recently thought about how many similarities Charlie had with Gage Gannon...that whole “dude comes in hot, overestimates his value and worth after some ‘gimme’ matches, and ends up toiling away with the Heavymetalweight Championship” bit…but it’s disgusting to know that he might actually be the next Peter! He might be the next guy that just wraps himself in hypodermic needles, brushes his hair with thumbtacks, and dives headfirst into a kiddie pool filled with spikes, all while talking about being the God of Xtreme, or what have you. He might just be the next guy to just say the same thing over and over again without any growth. I mean, he’s already into public rape, torture, battery, and kidnapping, right? Two weeks in the company and he’s already halfway towards the Hall of Legends!

That’s why it’s my duty to stop this, to stop him. Charlie’s entire career, a career about the length of my life, has been a nonstop delve into ever-increasing profanity, and if it continues to go unchecked, he will likely spearhead another generation of the garbage enthusiasts who ruin our business. odd as this sounds on the surface...he’ll be an easier defense than Gilly. With Gilly, I had to climb the freakin’ Eiffel Tower! I had to constantly battle the Chaotic Inc dummies! At Relentless, it’s just a ladder, and not the tallest pinnacle of French architectural freedom. At Relentless, it’s just one man, and not a fight filled with castoffs like Hanari and Mandi. I won’t have to work NEARLY as hard as I did before. All I have to do is climb a single ladder and put to rest another set of criticisms from the usual crowd.

But, like Peter, I’m sure Charlie will recover just fine. He won’t be able to challenge for a top tier championship any time soon. But some lower tier stuff? On the ground and in the gutter? Plenty of room for him at the bottom of the ladder’s rungs alongside Gilly. A match made in Heaven, really.

I hope they get matching gear!

“Ken, can you get Sar to stop pacing during the Showdown? I like seeing them spin the wheel.”

“Yeah, like I’ve ever been able to get her stop doing that. She picked it up from Ava, ya know.”


“Yeah, but don’t tell her I said that. She doesn’t realize it.”

“...Rox, who are you texting?”




“She knows now, bb.”

“Tarek Johnson...come on down!”

A dark-skinned man with curly hair gets to his feet, surrounded by loud whoops and hollers. The camera just barely catches a fuming Kenzi, with arms folded underneath her breaths, mouthing off about how, if they were going to pick a black person, why not her?

“Welcome, Tarek. You’ll be the first bidder on THIS item…”

A pretty woman walks out holding a rotund doll wearing a black hat and trench coat.

“Super stiff and really short, this is the PERFECT way to show your Mastermind fandom...the Mastermind Wrestling Buddy! Part of a set including an ever-changing group of assorted and forgettable minions, this doll will help you elbow drop your way to the Universal Championship! (hoodnotincluded)"

Drew looks to the newcomer and Tarek issues forth his deep voice.

“Three fifty.”

Drew moves to Deserie.


Over to Ellen, who again seeks the advice of her friends.


Drew moves to Sarah, who throws her hands up.

“Oh, for fucks sake. If we’re selling a stupid Ruby shirt for three grand, then this westling buddy MUST be something like TEN GRAND!”

“Actual retail price…$5500!”

“Wow, Sar was WAY off, Kenz!”

“Hey, she didn’t start shopping for herself until she was 20-something.”

“They should have gone with the Bobbi Boyfriend Pillow. More Value.”

“Oh wow! Ellen gets to play the ‘What Number am I Thinking?’ game for an entertainment center.”

“Sar is so pissed. Not gonna’s a little funny…”

Okay, I need to have some strong words with Vinnie or whoever it is that runs the X-Bux site. $5500 for a Mastermind doll?! What does it come with? A neverending slew of unused “I Mastered Your Mind” t-shirts? Does it come with the unabridged “Hey, I am going to turn the next wildfire/hurricane/insertdisasterhere into being about me!” playbook? An naturally refilling glass of generic suck juice?! Christ!

Hmmm...I wonder if Mastermind’s going to try to recruit Charlie into his little group of idiots. Listen, when Antony the Jerk first showed up, everyone rolled their eyes, right? I mean, here was a guy who couldn't string three words together coherently, talking about how he’s bringing a group of clients in, and all the while calling himself a jerk (in case not young case we didn't understand that “ Oh, hey! He’s a jerk, get it?!), and brings reps nothing but flunkies. He brings in nothing but brings bottom-tier amateurs who likely couldn’t extend being the Junior High School Interscholastic Wrestling League, and then ONE UPS HIS OWN SHITTINESS by hooking up with Mastermind! I mean, good God! Talk about the proverbial blind leading the blind.

Perhaps Charlie IS their next acquisition. I can see the attraction for them. After all, we've got a guy who looks really menacing, fights really hard, puts in a lot of time, and, in the most meaningful part of the Misfits application process, doesn't get anything of import accomplished! That sounds just like Mastermind’s M.O., right? Mastermind’s known for getting lots of title shots he doesn’t deserve, known for getting lots of opportunities every knows he’s going to fail at, known for doing a lot of long-winded promotional material about himself that no one cares about, and in the end getting absolutely nothing worthwhile in return. I think Charlie would be a perfect fit for them! Like his buddy Pete, Charlie has spent my entire life accomplishing nothing other than earning the “Broken Man: Lifetime Achievement Award.” He’s broken his body, his dreams, his family, and the hopes and expectations of everyone he’s ever known. Hell, I bet the only record he’s broken in 20 years of wrestling is the amount of apathy gathered by an audience at one time!

While I admit that Charlie embracing his inner Misfit after dispatching Hammer is a little odd, it might well do some good for his financial well-being. Maybe we can get some “I C4 Bombed Your Mind” shirts made up. Or maybe some “I Raped Your Mind...naw, just kidding, it was literally raping your body” shirts. Oh! Oh! I bet the “I Ruined the Lives of Everyone Important to Me Because HARDCORE!” would bring in a TON of bread if marketed towards the fedora-tipping tryhards!

It’s up to me to stop that. It’s up to me to end Charlie’s rise at Relentless. It’s up to me to take those theoretical shirts, take the possible alliance, take the entire CONCEPT of some miscast misfit being at the level of the Universal Championship. It’s up to me to make certain that the entire world sees Charlie and his level for what they are: Appropriate for a single-ring circus traveling the backwater roads of some hick town like Connecticut where even the poorest of hillbilly trash laugh as they pelt them with peanut shells. Charlie is NOT at the world class level of the House of Lacklan. Is NOT worthy of main eventing Relentless in the Rose Bowl for a chance at pulling down my championship belt. Is NOT anything more than gutter trash fit to wrestle in some multi-person match in the pre-show while the fans are still getting their popped corn and sugar water.

Much like the times Mastermind has fought me, Charlie is going to wake up on the 28th, wonder “Jesus Christ, what the fuck happend? I THOUGHT I WAS SPECIAL! SOME PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET SAID I WAS HARDCORE!”, look in the mirror, and see the defeated and deflated sack of suet that everyone else sees. Just like the times I fought Mastermind, he’s going to look at the rips and tears in his skin, is going to look at the bruises and welts, is going to look at the slump of his shoulders, and realize that he was more naught but the Icarus to my Helios. He’ll realize that, while he may not be as boring as Mastermind, he’s just as useless and ineffectual.

But if he’s lucky, B.O.B. will recruit him first.

“Gary’re next! Come on down!”

An older man, heavyset and balding, gets to his feet. A sea of hawaiian shirts cheer him on as he makes his way down to Contestant’s Row and settles down next to Sarah.

“And here’s a first for the Price is Right…

A man with stringy hair and surrounded by a cloud of filth on par with Pig Pen is lead to the stage by a pair of beautiful women.

“Are you lonely? Are you tired of living the life of an incel virgin dreaming of being swept off your feet by a tall, dark, and handsome man? Then this is YOUR bid! Win a date with Unknown Soldier! No’s really him! Available from the X-Bux store if the Price is Right!”

Drew looks at Gary and gives a nod. The large man gives a shake of his head before offering up his guess.


Next to him, Sarah is in the middle of what is, quite possibly, the largest eye roll of her life.

“Lord Above help…$50?”

Drew goes to the end of the row to Tarek.

“Three fifty.”

He moves over and-


Drew is caught off guard by the fervor in Deserie’s voice...and heat in her eyes...but he shrugs as he looks at his notes.

“Actual retail price to purchase Unknown Soldier for the X-Bux store…$666,666,666!”


“I don’t get it? Why are you laughing, Rox.”

“...that gets me every time…”

“Sar doesn’t even look mad about not winning that one.”

“Oooo! Plinko!”

“That fat girl is going to need a lot of money for that date.”


“Sissy-in-Law, please stop drooling over Deserie.”

“Ew, bb.”

Sweet Baby Jesus! I can’t believe Engy let Soldier have a day off from his desk job on the third level of Hell! That’s really nice of him!

Ya know, five X-Bux says that Charlie has NO IDEA who Soldier is. After all, this IS the guy who thought that Robert Main needed help and minions and stables to attain all of his accolades! If Charlie DID know who Soldier was, he’s probably want to, like, rape his daughter to show how hardcore he is, or something equally stupid. And all the while, he’d go without realizing how Soldier is just about everything that Charlie is NOT. Listen, I have spent a LOT of my time in the XWF, and in my overall career in general (20 different companies!) giving people shit for being “spooky” in the modern day. I dig my fair share of “Goth” fashion and all (just ask Kenzi about Wardrobe Level Three, Subsection Six!), but carrying the lifestyle to the point where it becomes a detriment to your relationships with others, and with the world as a whole, is pretty dumb. A lifetime of profane trickery, showmanship, and magical smoke and mirrors fit for Copperfield is exceedingly lame when looking through the lens of 2020. And within the context of the XWF, I have given the Blackwaters ENDLESS shit, not to mention “OMG EVIL PREACHERS” and fighter pilots raised in an incubation chamber. But Soldier? He does something different. Despite...and perhaps in spite of...some of his cronies, he offers a level of substance which is lost with most, adding plenty of steak to his Jack Skellington-inspired sizzle. And Charlie would not only do well with taking a few pages from his book, he’d be better off with the whole book!

But that wouldn't happen, of course. Because that would mean giving a fuck about what has come before. That would mean taking preparation and research seriously. In my time within the company, I have spent virtually countless hours watching matches and videos, studying both the styles of the people I’m fighting and their psychological process to the business. I knew the name “Unknown Soldier” long before he decided to cash in his long-held 24/7 Briefcase. I had little care for him, as I am disgusted by a man who is so gross to his very core, but I respected his depth. He’s the kind of guy who can come into a company and make it spin on its head, forcing his presence onto everyone in a way which makes them all stand silent in wonder with jaws agape and eyes wide.

Like me.

Charlie’s not Soldier, though. Yes yes, he has his supporters. There are those who whisper his name with glee over the carnage he has wrought in the last few weeks. But that praise is from the weak-minded fools who still giggle with Peter drops his “SUCK MY DICK!” catchphrase, or cheer when Thad makes Comeback #194. THOSE guys would support an elimination literally deathmatch between every member of the Blackwater Clan (alien super powers allowed!) at the top of the card. So, it makes sense that they would dig Charlie’s lack of respect and understanding for what has come before. It’s exceedingly important to know about that stuff, to be able to analyze it, to be able to anticipate how the past might influence our present as we try to make the future. Soldier understood that, but Charlie doesn’t. For Charlie, it’s all about creating as much chaos and mayhem NOW, without regard to what such a tactic did in the past, and without care for how it will affect the future. Which is why he’s found himself in the unenviable position of headlining in a ladder match while simultaneously trying to avoid detention from police.

I’m sure that won’t pose ANY problems for the guy AT ALL.

Ya know, Soldier was pretty unstoppable when he had his head in the game. Beat people up, made alliances, breathed life into the company. But he failed when it came to fighting the best in the industry. At that time, Corey was THE BEST person in this company. Not me. Not Fuzz. Not Main. And not Soldier. And his mental break, his preparatory silence, in the face of a match against the best was his undoing. Charlie is now in that same spot. Beats up people, breathing life into the XWF...though he’s a bit too “lone wolf” to form alliances, I’d wager. And now he’s facing THE BEST in the company. That’s me. Not Main. Not Page. Not Ruby. Me.

Corey did NOT get Soldier at his best, and I imagine that still bugs him to this day...wherever he ended up, anyway. I wanted the BEST from Gilly, and I got it. And now I want the BEST from Charlie. I want every 2x4 laden with C4 bombs, ever catsuit made from flourescent lightbulbs, every barbed wire-wrapped fist. I want EVERYTHING from Charlie so that there is ZERO doubt when I send him down into the Abyss.

Maybe Engy will get him a job as an intern.

“Billy Necochea...your the last contestant on the Price is Right! Come on down!”

A large Hispanic man with a wide smile comes down the aisle to a loud applause. He waddles his way into position and Drew motions towards the back.

“What’s the last item for bid?”

A pretty woman walks down the stage with a large sack carried in front of her with both arms.

“Do you have a flock of carrier pigeons at your disposal? Are they hungry? Do they frequently fly cross country and need the best nutrition possible? Then by ThiccBoi Brand Pigeon Feed! Available in a variety of flavors including Oat-Infused Oats, Plain as Can Be, and Salted by the Dehydrated Tears of Weak Bitches.”

Billy speaks up with a soft voice odd for his size.


Next to him, Gary adjusts his glasses.


When Drew turns to Sarah, she has a smug smile on her face.


Drew’s eyes go wide at the preposterous bid, but then he makes his way over to Tarek.

“Three fifty.”


The audience cheers as Drew smiles wide.

“That sound means that someone has guessed the exact price! Actual retail price of the pigeon feed…$3500!”


“GO, SIS, GO!”

“Oh come on. It’s her own brand!”


Sarah bounds up the stairs and runs into Drew, giving him a big hug. Drew smiles and pushes her away so that he can hand her the prize for the exact guess: $500.

“Shoe money, bitches!”

“Okay! Well, if that gives you shoe money….how about…$10000!”


“Wow, that’s a lot of money!”

“Like you guys need even more.”

“What game is she going to play?!”

“Hey, Hole in One.”

“Heh...she’s used to getting her holes filled.”



“Oh come on, let’s not pretend that Sarah was exactly chaste before she met Kenzi, okay? I bet your dad had a chastity belt on her at twelve.”

“Shit up, she’s putting.”

“Does she know how to golf?”

“I bet she has some lame ‘Lacklanlandian Best Youth Golfer’ award."


“She did it! One shot!”

“Well shit.”


Sarah jumps up and down and waves the bag of cash at her friends, her Billion $$$ Smile bright enough to blind the audience.

“Wheel Time!”

“Can Sar even reach the wheel?”

“Holy Tom Cruise! They’re bringing her a step ladder.”

“That’s not funny, Rox!”

“ IS a LITTLE funny…


“She spun $1 on the nose!”


“She gets a second spin, right?”

“...have to bring out the step ladder again. That’s hilarious.”



“...I hate her, sometimes…”

“SHHH! The showcase is starting.”

“Wow, that is a LOT of cool stuff.”

“Like you guys need a jetski. You can’t even swim, bb.”

“Swimming is for losers, Rox.”

“I like swimming.”

“Stop making her case for her, Ang.”

“Damn, David passed it to Sarah.”

“That’s what she gets for not winning earlier. The car would have been worth more than the cash.”

“That is a really good bid.”

“She may not know the cost of stuff at the store, but she knows her big ticket items.”

“Oh man! The second showcase has a trip to Japan!”

“You guys JUST came BACK from there, Kenz!”

“So! We like going there.”

“Yeah, because Song.”

“Please don’t say that name too loudly, Rox. My eardrums can’t take Sar’s screeching.”

“...try being married to her…”

“...incest is gross, Sissy-in-Law…”

“Pretty good bid.”

“Yeah, that David dude is-”






“Thank you, everyone! See you next time, and don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets!”
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