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Prof. Bobby Bourbon · (08-04-2020)

Okay, y'all.

Some of you got it twisted.

I'ma teach all of you what M.V.P. stands for, one by fucking one.

For starters, there's Tommy Wish. Tommy is a Mildly Verbose Pervert. Tommy will chase and worship the idea of any woman before he even hears their voice, has been around here forever but hasn't done shit. He couldn't even grow mold. Seriously.

Scott Charlotte is a Mostly Vexatious Poser. He wishes he was me, but he's going to stutter through his words so bad that he won't sound bad ass, just like ass.

Hey, lookit me, I'm Scott Charlotte:

"H-h-hey e-e-e-every-y-ybod-d-d-dy, I d-d-d-don't s-s-s-suck, u-u-u-unless you p-p-p-pay t-t-t-twenty dollars extra!"

Thaddeus Duke is a Much Vainglorious Penis. I already talked the smacktalk about him, enough said, and when it comes to Thad, less is more, because after all, he's less, and I'm more.

You know what, I'm out of ways to have fun with the letters M, V, and P. At least for now, because we're just going to get some of the dreck out of the way.

Liam Roberts can't sniff my shit.

Brian Storm can't sniff Liam Roberts sniffing my farts.

Calvary is a one trick pony, seems like he got bored of being Calvary really quick. I've been me for years, he was him for a month or two before even he thought he got stale.

Gage Gannon was in the biggest spectacle of the year at Leap of Faith, an event which will go down as his greatest career achievement, right ahead of finding a quarter on the floor of the fucking men's room.

Azrael Erebus is more stale than Calvary. I'm talking communion wafer stale. Azrael could open a sleep study clinic and cure insomnia all at once, without even using their powers!

Seriously, Az, congrats on the new home.

Stay there.

There's Lynx, the mysterious cat person. Furry pride, yiff in hell, ooh and fucking ah. In my estimation, I know nothing about you, maybe you can fight, maybe not, but regardless, you look like a cheap knockoff of Tiger Mask and you sound like a kid who spends too much time in a comic book store. Hrmm. You know what, I'm getting the inspiration again, you're a Masked Vanilla Pussycat.

Bring whatever fucking fight you want, I will leave you declawed and laying in your own litter box.

Shit, why don't you just start talking about how you hate Mondays and love lasagna, Garfield.

Minxs rhymes with Lynx, but they're fucking wasting everybody's time by existing. Minxs Vegetated Poorly. Wah wah.

Dallas Marshall, that's a cool sounding name. Too bad it's wasted on a turd. That's like naming a puddle of piss "Cadence Wilhelm" or a dead rat "Max Miracle".

Peter. Fuck me, again with this guy?

Peter, you're a racist peice of shit, we all know it, and you deny it. You stupid little fucking ball of garbage. Manicotti Vocelli's Pizza, you give the Italian Anti-Defamation group fucking conniptions by being both a stereotype and a shitty stereotype.

Mandii Rider. Mandii Voiced Problems. Mandii has a legit beef with me because I left her high and dry in a match against Chaos and whatever his rotten crotched little piece of gash is called again. Well, Mandii, I'm sorry. Also, doesn't fucking matter, because I'm still going to lawn dart you out of the ring.

Griffen Macallister? That guy still works here and gets paid? Shit, surprised me with that one.

Bilbo Baggins? Must Vaccinate Properly. I feel like he's going to give someone shingles just by looking at him.

Dylan Jackson seems kinda dangerous. He looks kinda dangerous. He's as dangerous as a fucking NERF football. Moist Vagina Pubes. He looks tempting, but ultimately unpalatable and they stink.

Hanari Carnes? Mucho Vacante Personalidad. That's Spanish. It means that as bankrupt of any kind of charisma or charm Hanari Carnes is, it's not his fault, it's just because he sucks as a human being. I'm going to beat on him like he's My Venerated Pinata.

I suppose that leaves Kris The Hammer Von Bonn, who is Matured, Vaporizing Piss. Seriously, whose dick did you crawl out of and to show up in MY battle royale? Ooh-ah, maybe I would have cared about what you had to say if you actually could win a fucking match or something instead of being a lackey to a lackey to a wannabe. Shit.

That's all there is in this thing? Good.

Because I am the Maliciously Violent Prick, the one true destined MVP of Warfare, the Wednesday Night Wrecker, putting asses in seats and bodies in emergency rooms. Praise unto God, unto Allah, unto Jehova, but mostly ask me for mercy.

If you don't wanna get hurt, stay home.

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