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X-treme Wrestling Federation » XWF Live! » Character Development RPs
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Lacklan Offline
World's best at making murderhobos cry



XWF FanBase:
The 'cool' kliq fans

(booed by casual fans; opportunistic; often plays dirty while setting the trends)


#1
07-25-2020, 01:52 PM




HIIIIII-iiiiiii!

This is Sarah Lacklan here and I am having you ALL tune in for something AMAZING and truly doing the INSPIRING of AWE…..

...ready for it….

…….READY FOR IT?!


…..here we go…..



AAAAAANY SECOND NOW!!!!






Leap of Faith Predictions!

That’s right, Baby Birds, your reason for being, the FUTURE 24/7 briefcase holder, is going to look at the Leap of Faith card, break down the matches, and tell you who is who and what is what.


“BUT SARAH! NOT EVERYONE HAS SHOWN UP FOR THEIR MATCHES YET”

Yeah yeah, but MOST of the preparation has happened to this point, as least enough for YOUR Federweight Champion to give you all something to chew on!

“BUT SARAH! HAVEN’T YOU ALREADY PRODUCED WAY MORE PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL THAT IS MORE CREATIVE, INTERESTING, VARIED, INTUITIVE, INTROSPECTIVE, AND ENTERTAINING THAN ANYONE ELSE?!”

More than you realize!

“BUT SARAH-”

Shit up, mang! People have been DYING for me to open my money-maker since I got back! So let’s DO this thang!




Andrew Logan
- vs -
Broken Oswald Autem
- vs -
Azrael Erebus
- vs -
Scott Charlotte
- vs -
Docktor Trust
- vs -
Brian Storm
- vs -
Michael McBride
- vs -
Robbie Bourbon
- vs -
Captain Acab
- vs -
Liam Roberts
- vs -
Mackenzie Wright
- vs -
Dick Powers

Over-the-Top Battle Royal


Ah, the obligatory “We have too many people to book and not enough matches AHHH FUCK IT” cluster match, but in battle royal form! Let’s break this down a bit:

Logan: I like the dude so far. Needs to read through the pages more so it’s not just “Ummm...I’m fighting my next opponent?” over and again.

Oswald: Dummy will still be trying to figure out the math of how Team SaRuby got the better of B.O.B. a few days ago to do much in this match. Here’s the answer, dearie: Ruby is nearly untouchable and nearly as good as me!

Azzy: Will be too busy impregnating a cow or something and may not even make it to the ring.

Scott: SOMEONE needs to be tossed out first!

Trust: Go deep but not good enough

Storm: Been around for quite a bit and STILL not able to swim out of the shallow end of the pool

McBride: lulz

Bourbon: Devastating when he cares about showing up to work!

Liam Roberts: See: Storm

Mackenzie Wright: wut

Dick Powers: Love this dude, runner-up

Captain Acab: The CLEAR winner of this match! TOOT! TOOT!



Atara Themis
- vs -
Jenny Myst


Overall, I like Atty, though her taste in men and showing up to work is terrible. Jenny is “GRRR! MEAN GIRL FOR THE SAKE OF MEAN GIRL!” and that’s just shitty. And since Atty HAS remembered that she has a match (three stages of one!), I have my money on her.


Ruby
- vs -
Geri Vayden


Rubes defends her title against our resident pothead. Geri suffers from the same problem Atty does in forgetting to come to work sometimes, and while she DID remember this time around, she literally did what I expected her to when it came to the Leap of Faith match: Spoke in dum-dum soundbites without enough relevance. And THAT means she won’t be ready for Ruby in this rubber match.


Big D
- vs -
Micheal Graves


Ha! Since I practically murdered Graves after tossing him from the scaffold a few weeks ago, it looks like D can thank me for ANOTHER victory!


The Wizard
- vs -
Mastermind


Wizard is interesting and Mastermind is STILL a boring pissbaby that gets triggered by people pointing out how lame he is. Gee, wonder who is going to win THIS one?


Robert Main & Chris Page
- vs -
Chris Chaos & Peter Gilmour


This one won’t even be close. Main is great, Page is good, Chaos is WAY overrated, and Gilmour sadistically showed us that Valerie was a secret ninja warrior assassin THE WHOLE TIME?! That is ANOTHER retention for a champion on this show!


Thunder Knuckles
- vs -
The Collector


TK is interesting and regularly upsets established vets who are supposed to murder him. Thad “Don’t Call Me Collector” Duke is still the pissant crybaby begging for a pity handjob from Corey. To quote the champ: Once a turd, always a turd.


Hanari Carnes
- vs -
Robert Main
- vs -
Wrestler82


The ladder match for the Xtreme title is as one-sided as the tag match. I like to give Hanari crap for being shit (because he is!), but I did want to say that I loved the apple bit. A shame that pissbaby moaning session he did after he lost the title to 82 wrecked any popularity or respect he’s gained in recent months! As for 82 himself, he’s interesting, but Main is on a TEAR right now, and will do HIS part in the Cataclysm plan to hold all the gold.


Nathaniel Idenhaus
- vs -
Pasha


I think Nate-Dog is the running shits, but Pasha straight up embarrassed himself.


James Raven
- vs -
Theo Pryce


I’m looking forward to this! I know people who like Raven and I’ve never seen Theo throw before. While, as of this recording, neither one has really given me much insight, I will have to go with Theo because of Raven’s Fuzz-level emo whining on Twitter about stuffs.



Leap of Faith Match


lolsarahwins


Shawn Warstein
- vs -
Centurion


Okay okay, i’ll actually be serious about this one.


Hey guys! You’ll see me say something similar to this in one of my many MANY promotional videos recorded in preparation for the Ladder/Rafter/Briefcase match, but after I left in January to be exclusive to the UGWC and told Vinnie, Theo, Raven et al, “So long and thanks for all the fish!”, I haven’t said SHIT! There was no grand going-away party. There were no long good-byes. No grandstanding or shooting post. Hell, even when I came back in positively muted (but still spectacular!) fashion, I STILL didn’t start talking. That comeback of mine...not on a PPV or a surprise War Games entrance...still made people go “OMG!” because that’s what I do, I move the needle and make an impact, but this money-maker of mine? Practically sealed. I’ve just done my bit and my job. But you guys, and this match, deserve more.

So, let’s talk.

First of all, I am a wrestling fan. I have always been a wrestling fan. I watch wrestling matches. I watch promotional videos. I watch advertisements. I watch the big money matches and the dummies in parking lots. I watch the attacks over the Xtreme title, the times when things get heated and we jump one another, and the pull-apart brawls. I even watch the flippy-shit I hate! I’m a fan of ALL of wrestling, from the carney’s at the turn of the century not moving on the mat for an hour all the way to today, and so I hope you that you understand that I say this as much as a fan as I am a professional wrestler in my own right:

For the love of FUCK, you two need to stay off Twitter!

Listening to you two complain about what the other said on Twitter makes me roll my eyes so hard that Kenzi has my optometrist on speed-dial! There is NOTHING more deflating than hearing some old fogeys talk about a comment the other one made on Twitter. Twitter is NOT for cutting promos on each other, mang! Twitter is for fucking around and THOTing. It’s for “accidentally’ releasing nudes of my wife. It’s for getting in gif arguments with my sister. It’s for ganging up on losers with Roxy in the #BullySistersClub. What’s next? Are you going to comment on one another’s instagram selfies? Are you going to throw barbs in a youtube feed? Judge one another on the music you have on your MySpace page? Scream at one another over your headsets on a Discord chat while playing a first person shooter?

Knock it off and act your age!

Secondly, and again as a wrestling fan who appreciates the history and psychology of wrestling, I wish to say:

Thank you.

Over the last two weeks, the two of you have shown everyone in this business what it means to have a main event championship match on a pay-per-view. You have honored one another and dissected one another. You both know your place in this match, this company, and this business. You know your strategies, motivations, and techniques. You have taken a fight, as personal as it is business, from years ago and modernized it, brought it up to the NOW, and made it IMPORTANT NOW. You have succeeded at what not just MANY, but MOST, “legends” in this company fail so spectacularly at: You articulated your past and made it relevant to today.

So, again, thank you for proving every bit of your worth.

Thirdly, a few comments I wish to make.

Fuzz: “You can walk the dog while I ride this bitch” is my single favorite quote from this entire month...a shame you had to bust out that dumb hockey mask! I sincerely hope you find whatever peace you can with your father AND figure out whatever the hell this thing with Atty is. Honestly, seeing her subtweet like a 16-year-old who just learned that her favorite band’s singer is a jerk is the WORST.

Centy: Reminding yourself of your path, from success to failure, with quotes about you, both positive and negative, was powerful. While it is a shame to relive, and see for myself, what a downright bastard you have been in your life, I know it was necessary for us to understand the man you have become. I know Fuzz scoffed at the “I’ll never again challenge” stipulation you have given yourself, but I do not. When I first came here, I brazenly said that, should I NOT win the March Madness tournament, I would consider myself unworthy being around. Mind you, part of that is because I KNEW I was going to win that thing, because that was how confident I was, but the fact still remains that I would have proven myself unfit if I could not back up my claims. It is a powerful motivator.

Fourthly: I am picking Fuzz to retain. Centurion’s desperation does not meet the level of the champion’s cool.

And in conclusion: It doesn’t matter.

Your work has been EXCELLENT, but it doesn’t matter.

You’ve put the roster to SHAME, but it doesn’t matter.

Because all eyes are on me.

The story of who wins in the main event of Leap of Faith will ultimately be casted as irrelevant because of me. Because I am going to win the briefcase. And I am going to give all of you what you have always wanted.

Sarah Lacklan on Warfare.

I am going to take that briefcase and show up EVERYWHERE you are. You wrestle Mastermind for the 27th time? I’ll be there. You get taken to the brink by Main? I’ll be there. You get sent through seventeen glass tables after being thrown off three roofs and spiked onto a stake because you’re in a match with Rayne? I’ll be there.

I will ALWAYS be there.

Hounding you.

Harassing you.

REMINDING YOU.

Of what?

That one of the arguments between you is how you are the face of a generation.

How you were.

I am the face of the generation now, boys. The thing you two are doing? Branching out and entering tournaments? That has been me from the start. You two are limping around playing the game that I personify, and every time you wrestle, you’re going to see the incarnation of this generation, of the modern wrestler, standing in the back, a smirk on my face, the briefcase in my hand, with my war paint on my face, wearing my gear.

And

Eventually









Thank you for coming to my SAR Talk. There are refreshments in the reception room. I suggest the Oatey Oats!
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"Loverboy" Vinnie Lane (07-26-2020), Atara Raven (07-25-2020), Peter Fn Gilmour (07-25-2020), Robert "The Omega" Main (07-26-2020), Shawn Warstein (07-25-2020), Thunder Knuckles™ (07-25-2020)
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