*GREATEST INVENTION*

The scene begins in a large auditorium with a rad curtain drawn so you can’t see what is on the stage. The audience is seated 8 feet apart in all directions because Thunder Knuckles knows COVID 19 is a thing, unlike the current United States President. If only Drezdin’s penis didn’t fall out while explaining why global warming is a hoax by trying to shove a pillow down his pants. We would have true leadership in the White House. The cameraman is all the way, in the back of the auditorium, and has a perfect view of the stage. Suddenly a voice comes over the P.A. system.


Ladies and Gentlemen introducing the CEO of the Wrigley Gum Company, Mr. Thunder Knuckles!


The curtain pulls back, the music starts, and the twenty-five percent capacity goes wild. A large screen that is being projected from behind the cameraman appears from behind the curtain. The screen contains the Wrigley Gum Company’s logo. Thunder Knuckles walks out to the crowd waving thanking the audience.





Thanks, mother fuckers. Raise up, mother fuckers! Fucking blow the walls off this bitch! WOO!


Thunder Knuckles giving his patented jerking off motion but this time making it look like he’s releasing it onto the crowd. The crowd is still cheering at a fever pitch.


Alright, that's enough. That’s enough. Oh, Thank you. Okay. Okay.


The crowd is still showering Thunder Knuckles with cheers of approval while Thunder Knuckles tries to quiet them by lowering his hand and arm slowly… Until finally he erupts.


I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!


The crowd quiets down.


As all you mother fuckers know, ‘Ol Thunder Knuckles, is the new CEO of this company and I have a big fucking idea. I’m here to share that dream with all of you. You’re welcome for that, by the way.


The crowd applauds.


The facts are there are three things a professional rassler needs to do to succeed.


Thunder Knuckles uses a clicker that no one had noticed before in this right hand that controls the screen.


Talent.


The screen shows Thunder Knuckles winning the Television Championship. Thunder KNuckles clicks it again. The screen now shows Thunder Knuckles retaining his title against Tommy Wish. Thunder Knuckles clicks again. Thunder Knuckles is shown now defeating Azrael Erebus, a former Universal Champion.


The next thing a fucking professional rassler needs is strength.


Thunder Knuckles uses the clickers again. This time the screen shows a couple of naked prostitutes.


My bad.


Thunder Knuckles clicks through about four more slides.


Great weekend, by the way. Moving on.


Thunder Knuckles clicks again and the screen shows War Games.


Strength! Here it is. ‘Ol Thunder Knuckles didn’t think he was going to make it to War Games but I found the fucking Strength to tighten up my fucking boots and get Robert Main, “Chronic”


Thunder Knuckles makes air quotes.


Chris Page, Alexi Mettaweave, and Lowmo a fucking “W” in the first match.


Thunder Knuckles uses the clickers again and the second match at War Games is shown.


The strength of a fucking Alpha, me, that carried this team of Omega’s, them.


Thunder Knuckles clicks yet again this time it shows a still of Thunder Knuckles pinning Micheal Graves against Atara Themis.


That’s right, mother fuckers. Speed. An attack so aggressive that Atara’s head spun off her shoulders. She never even saw it coming. Speed is what takes a pro rassler to the next fucking level.

Today it’s time to unveil my great’s fucking invention into this world! MY MOTHER FUCKING PRINTING PRESS! EXTRA: THUNDER STRIKE!


Pyro engulfed the stage where Thunder Knuckles is standing center stage with his hands held high. The screen is lit up with the new EXTRA: Thunder Strike packaging. Music hits and a large mascot of gum enters the stage. The mascot is dancing and having a good time.


Take a look at the world’s first gum that will make you successful. Giving you everything you need to become an iconic, one of a kind, bonafide, grade-a, megastar. TALENT STRENGTH AND SPEED all wrapped up in a tasty fucking gum.


Thunder Knuckles allows the mascot to dance some for a couple of minutes until he sees the crowd not getting into it.


Oh, look at that the fucking robot. Cut it out, now your fucking embarrassing yourself. Get the fuck off stage.


The mascot dances off stage.


Alright, now it’s time to get down to the brass tax of it all, eh? None of this fucking matters unless I get this gum, in your mouth. Let Thunder Knuckles enter your mouth and I promise you that when this gum explodes in your mouth. You’ll feel the difference.


The crowd goes nuts as Thunder Knuckles is smiling.


Alright, Alright.


The crowd quiets down to not get yelled at again.


Now we have some of the best minds in the business on this shit, right now. From fucking scientist patenting our flavor to the fucking marketing team. By the way, the marketing team is my favorite department. So, they all got a rise. Let’s have a fucking hand for the marketing team. They have devised a plan to get get the fucking soft minds of children to want to check this fucking gum out. How? Do you ask? This is how.


Thunder Knuckles clicks the clicker in this hand yet again and a cartoon pops up.


This is a fucking advertisement we’re running on all major cartoon networks, Saturday morning cartoons, and shit.


The commercial begins with a poorly drawn Thunder Knuckles wearing the most outlandish but badass shade you've ever seen. Also wearing a shirt that says “EXTRA: Thunder Strike” and black running short. Thunder Knuckles is surrounded by children.


Hey, you little bastards are you ready to taste the best fucking gum on the goddamn planet?


The poorly drawn children squeal with delight and anticipation. The cartoon Thunder Knuckles begins handing out, EXTRA: Thunder Strike, to the children. One by one the children start chewing the gum.


FUCK YEAH! EXTRA: THUNDER STRIKE! With a flavor that lasts at least one hundred and three days, and counting!


The cartoon now shows the children who chewed the gum becoming good at all things like, basketball, baseball, beating the shit out of bullies and racists. Then it comes back to the cartoon Thunder Knuckles still wearing shades then he lowers them.


Don’t be a pussy. EXTRA: Thunder Strike! Buy it!


The crowd applauded like Thunder Knuckles is a returning war general.


Okay, That was pretty fucking badass, right? Fuck yeah, it was. If you say otherwise you're full of fucking shit and a bad fucking liar. Well, it doesn’t stop here Ladies and Gentlemen. Before the launch of EXTRA: Thunder Strike the biggest thing at humans ever fucking did was land on the fucking moon. Well, today with the release my powers of Talent, Strength, and Speed into probably the best fucking chewable gum, you've ever fucking seen.


As Thunder Knuckles says “seen” ten of the finest half-naked ladies in the world walk on stage to surround Thunder Knuckles. A few strat running on his chest like a Greek God.


Alright, mother fuckers. Presentation over. You can go back now to your normal ass lives.


Thunder Knuckles looks at one of the women who is rubbing his chest.


You can come back with me.


The crowd goes nut, whistling, screaming, and applauding. The curtain closes.

*BACKSTAGE*

Thunder Knuckles is walking off the stage with his arm around the beautiful women he said could come with him. Whispering sweet nothings into her ear and smiling like a special olympic gold medalist.


Thunder Knuckles!


Thunder Knuckles looks off to the right where Jimmy is located. Now Thunder Knuckles’s smile fades and looks visibly upset.


Jesus fucking Christ, Jimmy I'm about to fucking put the beef in the taco. What could you possibly want?

It’s about your match with Chris Page.


Thunder Knuckles looks back at the women.


Just wait for me in my office, sugar tits.


Thunder Knuckles slaps her on her ass and shews her away then looks back at Jimmy.


This better be fucking good, Jimmy.

Well, Chris Page dropped his first promo. I think we should go over it.

Are you fucking serious, right now? Jimmy, did you see that bitch? She ‘s a fucking straight eleven and a half on a scale from one to ten. The fuck is wrong with you?

What’s wrong with me? Thunder Knuckles, what’s wrong with you? You’re too busy fucking around with bubble gum to give attention to where it really needs to be. IN XWF! Quit this fucking shit and let’s get to work!


Thunder Knuckles pounders for a moment over what Jimmy just said.


You know what, Jimmy? What’s important? Important is that we constantly have a source of revenue. Seeing as Vinnie Lane and Theo Pryce doesn't know how to pay their fucking talent. I would have to say running the Wrigley Gum Company, seems like the better fucking option.


Jimmy is surprised that Thunder Knuckles has the mental capacity to figure that out.


Is the Wrigley Gum Company paying you in xbux?


Thunder Knuckles looks upset.


No.


Jimmy wickedly smiles.


Then what’s the point?

Fine Jimmy let’s fucking talk about that cock sucker “Chronic”


Thunder Knuckles making air quotes again because he thinks it's funny.


Chris Page.


Jimmy seems to be relieved that this conversation didn’t take longer than normal.


Okay, let’s watch. You cock blocking piece of fucking shit.


Jimmy pulls out his phone and plays “Chronic” Chris Page’s first promo for Thunder Knuckles.


I can’t hear shit on your phone.

Fine, put in your headphones and I’ll turn on the Bluetooth.

Jimmy pauses the video and slides the bar to start it again. Thunder Knuckles reaches into his pocket and pulls out some Bose wireless earphones.


Better?


Thunder Knuckles can’t hear Jimmy with the earbuds in his ears.


Well, play the fucking thing. Fucking making miss out on some fucking fine ass poontang. Mother fucker.


Jimmy presses play on the video again. Thunder Knuckles speaking loudly.


Oh! Look, he's holding a service. Neat. Maybe he learned something?


The promo continues. Thunder Knuckles looks over at Jimmy.


Wait? Pause.


Jimmy pauses the video.


You’re telling me his whole promo is that he doesn’t believe in Jesus? What kind of fucking ass clown is he? Wasted all that time talking about how Jesus is fake? Well, I got fucking news for him! Jesus is real…. I’ve seen him and oh boy is Jesus going to be pissed. That’s like one of those things, man. One of those things that pisses Jesus right the fuck off.

That’s not the part Thunder Knuckles. You're so impatient.

Well, fucking hit play then.


Jimmy presses play and Thunder Knuckles begins watching again.


HA! Talking about how he lost to Shawn… Classic.


Jimmy holds a finger over his own mouth to shush Thunder Knuckles.


That mother fucker forgot to throw in a cheap pop plugging the next arena. It’s the Resch Center, ya fucking idiot.


Jimmy starts to shush Thunder Knuckles again but Thunder Knuckles does anyway when Chris Page starts talking about Thunder Knuckles opponents.


HAHA! Mother fucker, I knew you fucking would. Never changing!


Thunder Knuckles looks at Jimmy.


Pause this shit, right now. This piece of fucking tag team scene trash said my division is lacking basically. Right?

Yeah.

Said that when he wins against me, every match is going to be PURE fucking WRESTLING. How fucking boring is that? Savage will tank faster than Hanari Carnes’s “In The Butt” championship reign. Press play.


Jimmy presses play. Thunder Knuckles gets to the part where Chris Page says Thunder Knuckles would have to do what Shawn did. Which is Shawn outwrestled, Chris Page?


Thunder Knuckles gives a jerking off motion.


Pause.


Jimmy pauses the video again.


I don’t have to outwrestle you. You simple-minded fuck. All I have to do is beat you till you're Goddamn unconscious. I mean, fuck me, all the stipulations in our Three Stages Of Hell match are designed for me to knock you out cold with the Thunder Strike…


Thunder Knuckles sneakily points down for Todd to insert the Thunder Strike logo into his promo.





...and pin you twice. Hell even if you get fucking lucky and get one fucking pinfall on me your ass ain't climbing no fucking ladder knocked the fuck out. Fucking dummy. Okay, press play Jimmy.


Jimmy presses play once more. Thunder Knuckles finishes Chris Page’s promo and take the earbuds out of his ear. Thunder Knuckles places them back in their charging unit and puts them into his pocket.


Fucking draw.

Yeah, that’s the part.

So what makes this mother fucker think I'm afraid of fucking Micheal Graves? Because Atticus White didn’t book a rematch?

I guess.

Just like Chris Page though… Talented… Just always slightly off. I say that because every time he hits a fucking microphone. He says the same shit. Over and Over. No matter who he’s facing. Thought the Jesus bit was still relevant. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. ‘Ol Thunder Knuckles had to fucking die to get that shit over. Clearly, “Chronic”...


Thunder Knuckles making air quotes.


...Chris Page hasn’t been paying attention. Good thing I showed some highlights in my presentation. Maybe, Chris can pay attention that way. Jimmy is always watching and makes sure shit is right.


Jimmy begins smiling, getting a compliment on a Thunder Knuckles promo. Without being slapped once.


So, Page, I guess. It’s that time, again.

*PREACH*

Time to clear some things up. Not very many men know what their life is worth… ‘Ol Thunder Knuckles he knows exactly how much his life is worth and how much he’s owed. So, Vinnie bust out that fucking checkbook. It’s time to pay the fucking toll.

I'm also really glad and jumped on the 'Ol Thunder Knuckles bandwagon. Always upping the production value of everyone here in XWF. You're welcome just remember who sent ya.


Thunder Knuckles winks into the camera.


Okay, to the point of this whole fucking promo.

If you listen to Chris Page tell it. He’d argue that he’s by far the best combatant in the fucking world. Truth be told, he’s not. Universal Soldier, wherever he is now, kinda miss that guy. Off-topic! Alright, let’s go. Universal Soldier, whipped his ass. The Engineer’s virus whipped his ass. Shawn whipped his ass. These are the times I’ve seen you fail, in singles competition… Want to know what you did wrong? If there’s shame in losing to the Universal Champion then you must REALLY be ashamed. That’s without me pointing out that you lost to your buddy Robert. The fucking problem is you thought you could win. You’re gifted, yes, I get it. I saw you beat the shit out of Shane . Then again Shane with the help of Heath Slater, or is it Christain Slader, fuck who cares.


Thunder Knuckles looks off to the side where he knows another camera is.


God knows, when Shane isn’t a husk of his former self, I’d like a piece. For every xbux taken a punch to his fucking skull will be paid.


Thunder Knuckles looks back into the original camera.


However, I’m getting off-topic, again. The last time you went after this Television title. What happened Chris? You got your ass beat, so bad, that you couldn’t even start the damn match. The only difference between this match and that one is. You're going to actually have to fucking compete. I'm going to whip your fucking ass from one end of the arena to the other. If I have to climb a fucking ladder and get the gold, so be it. No matter what, ‘Ol Thunder Knuckles walks out of the fucking Resch Center still Television Champion. Why? Because unlike you, I fucking win because of ME, not because I had to team up with someone to be the best. I just am the Goddamn best. I’m the fucking best thing on this brand. Live in your little safe tag team land until I find someone, Chris. Someone who can see that I’ve seen the one true Jesus, brown hair, blue-eyed, white Jesus.


Thunder Knuckles gives "Chronic" Chris Page the finger.


Now I could wait until you drop your second promo, Chris. But why? You're going to say the same thing you've always said. Jimmy pretty much covered you like a fucking dead body on the side of the road. XWF fans around the world can REJOICE! Because this Television Championship.


Thunder Knuckles shines up the piece of shit Television Title around his waist.


Isn't leaving the waist of 'Ol Thunder Knuckles.


Thunder Knuckles smiles knowing what he said to be true.


Well, not until I fucking sell the goddamn thing.

Oh and one more thing Chris. For all your buzz… I thought Atara Themis was harder than you.


Thunder Knuckles brushes the dirt off his shoulder and the scene fades to black. Without Jimmy being slapped through an entire Thunder Knuckles promo.