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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » War Games 2020 PPV Board
Gun Napped
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The Hired Gun Offline
THE CCWF Hired Gun



XWF FanBase:
Women and gay men

(physically attractive male on every level; can seduce you; that disarming smile; those bedroom eyes)


#1
05-23-2020, 10:12 PM



Our scene opens quicker than Shawn Fuzzstein’s mouth when Shane is involved. Oh wait, no, no it closes, his mouth fucking closes. God damn it, leave it to Fuzzstein to fuck up my metaphor worse than he’s fucked up the early 2000s promo style by subjecting everybody to his bastardized soulless version of it. Shit! Now I need a new opener, think OG Gunny Gun, THINK! Oh, oh! I got it, our scene opens like John Black’s asshole after he sneaks crack into prison for his locked up homies. No, no, that won’t work either because nobody wants to think about John Black’s asshole. Well except for that Thermos bitch, she gives off that John Black’s asshole makes me wet vibe.

SPLASH!

THG snaps back into consciousness after being doused in water so cold that his balls are now huddled together in his throat and thinking about starting a fire for warmth.


THG: JESUS CHRIST THAT’S COLD! If my nips cut a hole in this ninja outfit you’re going to owe me some money motherfucker! Motherfucker….?


THG gazes around only to find himself alone in a large dimly lit room, dangling from a thick pipe overhead which he has been handcuffed to. Also hanging far above him is a bucket where the water appears to have come from.

THG: Seriously I can get with the whole kidnapping and S&M kink but I swear to god if you fuck up the ninja suit there’s going to be hell to pay. This shit is expensive! I ONLY WEAR GUCCI!


After THG’s voice stops echoing throughout the room he’s greeted with nothing but the sound of silence.

Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again.


THG’s head whips around just in time to catch Chasm emerging from the shadows.

THG: Ah, I got kidnapped by Chasm? Gross, I’ll never live this down.


Chasm: Actually I’m David Draiman, people make that mistake all the time.


THG: Who?


Draiman: Lead singer of Disturbed.


THG: Eww, that’s even worse! Did you touch me? DID YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME!?!?! I don’t want to catch the SICKNESS!


Draiman: What? No! I just like to hang out in dark places to sing The Sound Of Silence when the opportunity presents itself.

THG: So… You basically hang out in places waiting to make a dad joke?


Draiman: Yes.


THG: I commend your commitment sir but I’m still going to have to ask you to get the fuck out of here.


Draiman: Are you sure you don’t want me to try to help you get down from there?


THG: Well let’s see, you have no facemask on, you’d have to violate the recommended 6ft of social distancing, and you’ve been known to be down with the sickness. I’m fine, good day sir.


Draiman: But you’re handcuffed and dangling from a pipe.


THG: I’m also Covid and C-Diff free so like said, GOOD…. DAY…. SIR….


Draiman: Okay, suit yourself.


David Draiman vanishes into the shadows whence he came. No really, there’s a white puddle over there so I’m pretty sure he wasn’t just waiting around in those shadows. Nonetheless the hero? Of our story is still in quite the predicament. A predicament that he makes much worse, much much worse. THG gets the bright idea to try to break free of the handcuffs. He flips himself upside down putting his feet on the pipe overhead. He starts yanking with all of his strength like Thunder Knuckles on a Friday night. Not only do the cuffs not break but THG has managed to get himself stuck. So he’s just hanging there, legs in the air, completely exposed like Thermos after one of the boys in the back sour creams her taco.

THG: Yo! Camera guy, little help?


Camera Guy: You know we can’t get involved, it goes against the XWF Camera Man’s Hypocritic Oath.


THG: But didn’t you just break the oath by stating that you couldn’t break the oath?


The camera shakes from side to side in a “no” motion.

THG: Well fuck you then you camera cunt.


THG violently thrashes around once again trying to free himself but to no avail.

THG: Well since I can’t get out of here right this second I might as well blow off some steam. Before I was so rudely gun napped and dragged here by lord knows who, I was preparing for War Games. A lot has happened in the lead up to the games of war. Shane got husky, we got Dick Powers on our side, Gilmo is still Gilgoing strong, and Brain Storm has seemingly gone from enemy to ally. Really though? Brain Storm? Can’t we put him on ebay or something? I’ll literally trade him for a half eaten bagel or a bottle of Centurion’s roofies. You know, something of value. But I digress.


The obvious thing for me to do here would be to talk about my opponents and poke holes in their game like bitches poke holes in condoms when they’re trying to baby trap some poor unsuspecting sap. I could talk about how chronically overrated CCP is. I could talk about how Robert is more of an NPC than a Main. I could talk about how I already beat the Thunder out of Knuckles and doing it again will be easier than clubbing a baby seal. I could talk about how I could deflower the Russian Rose with minimal effort if he steps to me in that ring. Or I could talk about how you could walk out on the street and find thirty Joe Schmos with more talent than Lowmo.


The Hired Gun shakes his head.

Getting a bit serious aren’t you? And you want to let them in on our secret, I can sense it. Shame, shame.

You got to have your fun and games but this isn’t fun anymore. There’s no challenge in running circles around the blind so stay in your place for a moment while the adults are speaking.


The Hired Gun shakes his head again before continuing.

I could talk about all of that, I could talk about how I could beat the brakes off every last person on Team Main while wearing my house slippers, and I could talk about how none of them is going to come at me with anything half as clever as the effortless wordplay I just spit out. However, when have I ever done the obvious thing? A fact that seems to be lost on most of you because when I hear the whispers about me it always brings a smile to my face just how wrong they are. It’s as if while looking at me you’re all peeping through the blinds yet you can’t make sense of what you perceive between the lines. So, let me let you in on the secret of The Hired Gun. It’s The Kansas City Shuffle.

Everything that you see is something deliberate that we let you see. Yet everything that you see is an accidental peek behind the curtain at something that you weren’t supposed to see. That my friends is the secret of The Hired Gun, a secret that I don’t mind telling you because most of you are still too stupid to get it. But hey, at least it will make things a bit more interesting and give everyone a glimmer of hope that they can actually comprehend what’s going on.

At the end of the day what really matters is that I’ve got you all looking in every direction except the one you need to be looking in and that’s the ENTIRE point. Tell me this people, when was the last time I lost a match? Follow up question, when was the last time any of you saw me go all out in a match? Those two questions are exactly why I laugh at every rumor I hear about myself. Without trying I’m undefeated, running circles around bums just for shits and giggles. THIS ISN’T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!


The Hired Gun shakes his head.

I told you to stay in your place while adults are talking.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

I’m almost finished then you can do whatever the fuck you want.

Deal bruh.


The Hired Gun shakes his head once more.


Now I find myself in War Games again, I find myself in War Games AGAIN! Yes, I’ve been in the match, yes, I know what to expect from the match as well as knowing what to expect from most of the people in the match. However we’ve got people heading into War Games who don’t know what to expect. We’ve got people heading into War Games who don’t know what to expect from me, and as always we’re going to have people going into War Games who are going to think they know what they need to focus on in order to beat me but that’s when it all goes back to what I said earlier. It’s the Kansas City Shuffle. So, expect to see the Husky Team rolling out of War Games with a victory and for this new crop of talent, make sure you pull your heads out of your asses for War Games. It’s been a while since I showed you motherfuckers how I walk on water so it’s about time I showed y'all what The Hired Gun can really do…. As soon as I get the fuck out of here.


THG thrashes around some more then continues to hang there in the same compromising position. Suddenly the sound of a door opening is heard followed by footsteps. As THG dangles there in his full shame he peers between his legs and watches as someone in a lab coat steps into the light.

THG: SHSNE? I thought you died in that tomato farm fire?


Shsne: What? I’m a ! We’re like cockroaches, it takes more than a little fire to kill us.


THG: Fair enough, so how about you get me down from here?


Shsne: Unfortunately I can’t do that OG Gunny Gun.


THG: Wait… ARE YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! You’ve got me hemmed up here while Shane is running around all husky?


Shsne: Actually Shane’s huskiness is exactly why you’re here, however I’m not the one responsible. You see, I’m just a simple tomato farmer. When my farm went up in smoke Shane referred me to DRW for a job…… As a janitor.


THG: So I got kidnapped by a janitor? Well that’s still not as embarrassing as getting kidnapped by Chasm so I’ll take it.


Shsne: Well I’m also not the person who kidnapped you. We actually got one of your sword wielding associates to do that.


THG: Sword wielding ass…. THAT BITCH!


Shsne: Exactly but she was just following orders just like me. I’m really just here as an assistant, a goon, a lackey if you will.


THG: Then who the fuck is in charge here? Call me The Hired Karen because I WANT TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER!


Shsne points to the darkness and we hear what sounds like a ball being rolled across the floor and that’s when he rolls into the light.

THG: MATEY!?!?!? I thought you were turned into ketchup a long time ago.


Matey: Of course you did because my files were sealed long ago and even you don’t have the security clearances in order to know about me Mr. Gun. After all, who exactly do you think is responsible for all of the technological advances at DRW? Did you actually think you meat bags were smart enough to figure any of that out on your own?


THG: Well no, but I had always figured it was aliens not a talking tomato.


Matey: Pssh, aliens? Fucking amatuers, they can barely find their little green dicks without an instruction manuel.


THG: So, what you’re saying is the aliens are just like Centurion?


Matey: Ah, there’s that HG toilet humor that everybody loves so much. I must say, even I find it somewhat endearing. Well, as endearing as I can find a failed experiment. I liken it to a father’s relationship with his son.


THG: Excuse me?


Matey: Oh HG don’t worry I’m not blaming you, it’s not your fault that you were a failed experiment. No, I’m to blame for that. I sacrificed you in the name of progress, after all you can’t make a cake without breaking a few eggs. If it were up to me, I’d have put you out of your misery long ago. It would have been the most humane thing to do. Shane on the other hand wasn’t on board with that. He loves finding flawed creatures and repurposing them into something useful. We’re all well aware of what he was able to do with Centurion and you’re just the latest flawed plaything that Shane rescued from the scrap heap. There’s only one problem with that, Shane as we all knew him is no more. The man who used his intellect to build around your… Unpredictability and turning it from detriment to asset is no more. And that is why I’m here HG.


The sound of a chainsaw can now be heard. Shsne and Matey stare directly at THG who is still dangling from the pipe in a compromising position but is now also snoring louder than a Grizzly Bear with a deviated septum. Shsne walks over and pokes THG startling him out of his sleep.

THG: No, Centurion don’t touch me there, no means no. Wait where am I? Oh yeah, I was in the middle of listening to some super villain type speech. Sorry bruh, those always put me right to sleep.


Matey: Very cute HG, I expected nothing less from a smartass like you. Let me sum this up so that even an imbecile like you can understand it. In Shane’s current condition the last thing he needs around him is a loose cannon like you. So, Shsne and I are going to turn you into a partner that Shane can count on in his current state.


THG: How exactly do you plan on doing that tomato boy?


Matey: Simple, we’re going to torture you until one of the better personalities rattling around in that fractured mind of yours has no choice but to take control. Shsne…. Introduce HG to our friend please.


THG: Oh I love meeting new people!

Shsne pulls a jar from his lab coat that contains a murder hornet.

THG: Nevermind, I’m all good on friends.

Shsne walks over to THG and takes the top off of the jar then quickly presses the jar right up against THG’s ass.

THG: What the fuck are you…. MOTHERFUCKER!


The Murder Hornet starts going to town stinging THG’s buttcheek. Shsne let’s the hornet get in quite a few good stings before securing it back in the jar and closing the lid tight.

Matey: Well THG? How do you feel?


THG: My ass is on fire you talking tomato fuck.


Matey: That’s Dr.Talking-Tomato-Fuck to you asshole. I didn’t get my PHD to be disrespected by one of my failed experiments.


THG: Ah… KISS MY ASS!


Matey stares at THG for a moment before speaking.

Matey: Which ass because right now it looks like you have two of them.


THG gazes at his aching ass cheek and it practically brings a tear to his eye.

THG: MY ASS! Look at what you’ve done to my beautiful, completely symmetrical, much juicier than the Hired Sword’s, pictures available on my onlyfans, @TTHG, the extra T is for THICC, ASS! Not only did you ruin the beauty of it but you only let the hornet sting me on one side and ruined the fucking symatry too! YOU FUCKING MONSTERS! One of my buttcheeks still looks amazing and the other side looks like one of those instagram, ass injected with fix a flat, thots.


Matey: Does that make you angry?


THG: You’re damn right it does.


Matey: Good… Now let go.


THG: HA HA HA HA HA! FUCK YOU! Did you really think it was going to be that easy? You’re damn right I’m angry you twisted little fruit and that’s exactly why I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to make you deal with me out of spite.


Matey: That’s okay HG, there’s plenty of time until War Games for Shsne and I to adjust your attitude. Shsne, let’s move on to stage two.


Evil grins creep across both Shsne and Matey’s faces as the camera fades to black.

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