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You Don't Know Dick
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Dick Powers Offline
The Slambassador

XWF FanBase:
Women and gay men

(physically attractive male on every level; can seduce you; that disarming smile; those bedroom eyes)

Post: #1
05-23-2020 08:28 PM

~You Don't Know Dick~

First pick, first Dick.

But how did such a cock rocking shock come to be? Well, my adoring fans, to understand first we'll need to go back a couple of weeks.

I wake up in the morning the way I wake every morning, with several beautiful women and maybe a couple of hot dudes, yes fuck nuggets, this Dick swings both ways but always leans to the left. Also, I bet some of you nerds are like 'Oh BuT sOcIAl dIsTaNcInG' which you don't need to worry, if I pull out my dick I know I'm 6 feet away from someone. Plus I've had SO many STDs in my time I'm basically immune to everything now... Anyway! The bray of a donkey jolts me awake as it shuffles around my bedroom, must have been a good night. I squint at the morning sun as I stretch my graceful arms and roll my elegant swan-like neck; I climb over the bodies of supermodels in my California king-sized bed and the Egyptian cotton sheets rub against my manly balls scratching that itch in a way so, so good. I commando roll off the bed and leap into a silk kimono on the floor, hopping up to my feet tying the kimono together to sheathe my mighty sword. My penis, the sword is my intimidating penis. I look behind me to the pile of bodies and admire my conquest before clicking my fingers and getting that ass' attention, the donkey, duh. He do be looking thicc though. I claim aboard my majestic steed and leave the bedroom with a gentle, yet firm, slap of it's rotund behind. Now, I know what you may be thinking, Dick, you handsome bastard, are you into beastiality?



But only if the animal consents and we don't harm the creature in anyway, ethics y'know, so no BDSM. This has possibly opened up more questions, like how does an animal give consent? Or how would you even perform BDSM with a donkey? Those are questions that will be tossed into the void because I don't feel like answering them right now, so fuck off DAD! I'm not a freak, it's not like I'd ever consider incest, especially in some kind of wrestling promo, that would be fucked and lame! Super lame.

As Barnabus, I named the donkey Barnabus, gingerly takes me down my spiral staircase into the main hall, I do my daily ritual of admiring the 14-foot marble statue of myself. It is naked, chiseled to perfection and spewing Acqua di Cristallo Tributo a Modigliani from the mouth into a Koi Pond. I take my sweet ass into the kitchen and give a short clap; my maids and butlers appear from the woodwork and lift me from my steed to the breakfast bar as the others begin to rush around preparing my coffee and morning grapefruit as well as a secondary grapefruit which shall be microwaved so I may pleasure it later. You heard right, pleasure IT. Mother Gaia needs love too! That sweet bitch won't be seedless for long!

Mental self-five!


As I am handed a newspaper, I flick it open to review how the stock market is doing while sipping the coffee that was placed in front of me.

"Good morning, Dick."

I spit my coffee from the surprise of my agent, Riley Reed, not to be confused with the pornstar, this one is fat and British. He's sat at the end of the bar enjoying some tea and fish and chips or whatever British dudes eat. As one of my maid's dabs my lips clean, I shake the newspaper and give Riley a nod.

"Hey, Riley, didn't see you there."

"Did you enjoy your orgy?"

"Riley? I always enjoy my orgies."

"Jolly good, I was attacked by a bobcat last night."

"Huh, you don't say" I say, not paying attention at all like a sweet dude. My eyes scan the paper as Riley just stares at me, I can see him from the corner of my eye. Fucking weirdo. Literal minutes pass before he chirps up again.

"Say, Dick, remember that time you died and became a ghost?"

I sigh. "No, Riley, nobody remembers that in fact I don't even know why you brought it up!"

"I watched them bury you, Dick."

"Sure you did, buddy. You know no one believes you anyway, you crazy yellow-toothed bitch."

"There's video evidence, Dick."

I turn to him briefly. "And no one will find it!" Back to the paper. "If it ever existed anyway, which it doesn't! Now leave me be, pussy-lips. I wish to inspect my stocks."

That Riley, such a lark! Anyway, back to what's important here, inspecting stocks in silence. You see, although I'm a multi-platinum rockstar, actor, retired wrestler and captain of clits, my main money-making scheme comes from randomly investing a ton of money into businesses and just watching more money come back! It's kinda like magic but not for virgins. I have stocks in Apple, Coca-cola, and a bunch of palm oil facilities; sure they destroy habitats for Orangutans but in my opinion those hairy assholes should have evolved when they had the chance and now they're at the bottom of the class ladder, it's their bad! I'm enjoying my morning before it's ruined by some troubling news, most troubling indeed! Stocks in XWF are down! DOWN! That means less money and mo' problems! This has thrown the context of Notorious B.I.G's discography into total disarray!

"It's supposed to be mo' money, mo' problems, dammit!" I throw the newspaper onto the floor and it is quickly cleaned by a maid; I look to Riley. "Why are stocks I invested in down!? I like seeing them go up, UP Riley! I demand answers! I am nettled, right now, very, very, nettled!"

"Calm yourself, revenant!" Riley begins to pull out some holy water, I give an exaggerated sigh.

"Riley, knock it off, dude! This is very serious, XWF stocks are down by 0.06! That's dangerously close to a 0.1! Why did Shane convince me to invest? I bet that asshole took that money and ran to the nearest potato farm."

Riley rubs his chin. "Now, I know material possessions have no meaning to you specter. But I know there was a change in management some time ago, that may be the cause."

I step up from my stool and twirl away from Riley in a dramatic fashion, my kimono lifting just enough that you can see the tip of my long and girthy cock. It's okay, you can pause the promo to take a peek, you have my blessing. I tent my fingers and place them to my lips in deep thought.

"A change in management you say? I don't get it though, I thought this wrestling thing is fake, can't they just make the stocks go up with kayfabe or some shit?"

"You wrestled for a bit Dick, back when you were alive, I'm pretty sure you know it's real."

I turn back to Riley.

"Yeah but that was like years ago, I'm sure it's gone back to being fake and scripted. Maybe there are two assholes forcing themselves into title positions and feuds and shit, y'know like totally running the show despite nobody giving a fuck about them. Like Stone Cold and Triple H! Two Man Power Trip thing!"

Riley points to me. "That was shit!"

I turn my palms. "Yeah it was! That's wrestling though, they're all like that. It's not cool anymore like when I was there for a month or so. Anyway, I need to call Shane, bring me the phone!"

"Oh he's dead."

"Fucking what!?"

"Well, maybe, honestly the whole thing is quite contrived, but he's definitely unavailable."

"Well, who's in charge now then?"

"Vinnie Lane."

"The skinny, middle-aged dude who stole my gimmick? Makes sense stocks are down then. Erm... What about Vanessa?"

"Ah, Vanessa."

Me and Riley both smile and reminisce. Nobody could peg you like Vanessa Veigns. I'm kinky, don't shame me. I hold out my hand and a phone is placed into my open palm; I shake my long, luxurious curls away and put the cell to my ear and await hearing that evil bitch's sultry voice.

. . .

"Hey babe... It's ya boi."


Vanessa arrived about an hour ago with a gift basket of drugs and alcohol, such a sweet girl. While we drink and get fucked up in the lounge area, I watch the sky turn to an orange and purple hue through the large windows as the sun sets behind the California hills. Vanessa, wild-eyed and fidgeting with a razorblade cuts some coke in a line on the glass tray, I lie down and look up to the ceiling, the acid is really kicking my ass right now.

"My favorite thing that happens on LSD is when the lightbulb and ceiling does that thing where it goes like around the disco ball and then kinda goes into it with a... A... Plop. It's really satisfying."

Vanessa looks up briefly. "... Yeah, crazy that the ceiling is actually flat."

I sit up "It is!?" My wide eyes flip from Vanessa to above me. "Woah dude."

Barnabus walks over to comfort me, he feels so soft! Vanessa licks her fingers clean and looks to me.

"Okay, so to solve this dumb ass question you have we're gonna contact Shane's spirit."

I look to the pentagram made from cocaine and ketamine in front of Veigns. I give a smile.

"Sweet, sounds gnarly! So how we do it?"

"Clear your mind of all thoughts."

"Fucking done, dude."

"Now, we need Barnabus' help."

I get excited and give the donkey a gentle tap on the neck to usher him over to Vanessa who very quickly slashes his throat with a razorblade.


"We needed blood."

Barnabus falls on the ground and kicks wildly with a dying bray; I rush over to hold him in a panic.

"Jesus fuck! Barney NO!!!"

"Relax, Dick." Vanessa stares down at the pentagram, entwining the blood with the pentagram. "You can get another sex mule."

I look down at Barnabus' lifeless eyes and stroke them close. "He wasn't just a sex mule, he was a friend."

"Quit being such a ."

I sit down, tears forming in my eyes as I huddle close to Barnabus' corpse. Veigns begins to speak loudly in Latin, her voice echoing throughout the room as the sky turns cloudy and dark. She finishes speaking and a low rumble shakes the room... Then... Silence.





Love that song!

A light shines from the pentagram and a fiendish howl fills the room as the ghostly visage of Shane Carver pours from the tray and towers over us both.

"Muhahahahahahaha!!! My asshole is soaking wet!"

"Hey Shane!" I give him a wave, honestly, the colors coming off him are dope! I'm pretty impressed. And very high! Shane looks down at me with a sneer.

"Vanessa, why am in the same room as this flaccid ?"

I sulk, Vanessa gives an evil cackle. "He wanted to ask why XWF stocks are down."

"Wait? WHAT!? For fucking real? You pull me in here from WHEREVER THE FUCK I WAS to ask for insider trading tips? Dick you fucking dick! Are you retarded or just so desperate for friends ever since I wiped your gang of merry queers off the face of the Earth!? Muhahahaha!!!!"

"Maaaaaan." I bring my knees up to my chin and cradle my legs with my arms. "You guys are mean."

Shane gives an orgasmic moan as he rubs his nipples. "I wish I could taste your sweet tears right now." Another moan, not gonna lie I'm kinda turned on. "But since I actually feel sorry for your tight little ass, I'll give you a clever word of advice... You don't like something? Change it you dense cunt."

Shane gives another laugh as Vanessa joins in too, I look between them and give a weak giggle. This just makes them stop and look at me with a scowl. Shane's eyes dart to the dead donkey, Vanessa notices Shane's gaze.

"Ha, yeah that was me. He said it was his friend!"


"HA! That's fucking hilarious!" Shane licks his lips. "Either of you two gonna possess that!?"

Before I can even answer Shane's form rudely dives into the corpse of Barnabus and runs away in a bone-snapping gallop. We watch as he destroys most of my home before disappearing from sight.

"Bye Shane!"

"Okay dickweed, you got your help. I'm out."

"Wait what? That didn't help anything! In fact it made my day worse! Vanessa PLEASE! Help me out here, I need something to get those stocks up!"

Vanessa stands taking her belonging and ponders for a moment before a smirk appears on her face.

"Say, Dick. You think you're pretty popular right? Well, why not make an appearance at a show? Bring the hype!"

"My god, you're right!" I stand to my feet and place my hands on my hips. "Clearly there isn't a single interesting and handsome person in XWF right now! I need to do something big! Something no one will see coming!"

"I, Dick Powers, shall make my comeback and shock the world in the biggest pay-per-view of the year!"

"Dick is in..."


"War Games."


Now, it's time to trash the talk.

"Hello everyone! I'm Dick Powers, as you know, and I was the first pick in War Games!"

"Yeah, I'm not even a wrestler! And I got picked before everyone else! How great is that? It's almost as is this wrestling thing isn't totally scripted which of course it isn't *wink* anyway! My team, Dick Squad, is up against some real colorful characters and I don't want to waste my opportunity to say what I think after having someone watch their promos for me for a week and giving me the abridged version through text. So let's start with my favorite position."

"Bottom baby."

"Low Mo? More like No Sho!"

I high five a hand off-screen.

"The dude can't even speak English! And he's supposed to communicate with a team consisting of the two biggest egomaniacs in the world? Like, I don't wanna bully this dude because it'll either be considered racism or disablism; all I know is that he's really bad at this wrestler thing. He should like, switch things up, maybe apply for a janitor position."

"Next is Russian Rose which when I heard the name I was like, 'woah, she sounds hot.' Then I found out it's some buff dude with no neck. Now I've watched wrestling since I was a kid and I know that the whole evil foreigner gimmick doesn't get over at all, maybe if he turned into a pro-American sympathizer he'd actually start winning and people wouldn't laugh at him behind his back. Russian Rose... Are there any roses in Russia anyway? Russian Sadness would be more fitting, Russian We Saved Your Ass In World War Two would get super over! But anyway, this dude is like one step above Dim Sum; basically the same except the concept of the English language was slightly easier to grasp for this bitch, shame he can't use it properly to form a coherent or entertaining promo. Oh, but he'll say he's a good wrestler or something which I would reply, are you? You haven't shown it dude, you've just been another wasted idea floating around in the sea of one-off characters and the kids who think just making an impact is actually worth some attention.

Thunder Knuckles, I LOVE the name. We could hang out, Dick Knuckle! Or Thunder Dick! It works super well... Anyway, I'll pay you whatever you want to take a dive in the match. Like legit anything you want, dude. Much love, peace!

Now to the meat and veg, Cataclysm, I'm gonna talk about them like a singular identity because look at what they've become. Two dudes who were something at some time fused together in some kind of Frankenstein's monster melody. Showing absolute dominance in the tag division going against such teams as Salt and Pepper and two girls who never tagged before! What power you two have! Main has floundered since losing the Universal title, crying so hard the dude had a longer hiatus than me and Page! Fucking that hoe! A middle-aged man who wears half-assed death metal make-up hanging out with some prick in a zombie mask that he feuded with for months before taking 'if you can't beat them, join them' to a whole new level. I didn't know someone could get cucked by a championship title but somehow Page you pulled it off!"

"And the loser has the balls to just copy Chris Jericho at any opportunity, like why do people not bring this up? Not saying he looks like him, god no, Jericho looks like a threat at times. But the make-up, the entrance music, the signature moves! No wonder you latched onto Main you parasite, shame that no matter how much blood you suck from him it won't give you any sense of uniqueness. Then there's Robert who is just bleh... Like it's sad to see, man, I watched Main's Hart title reign..."

"Now fucking look at the joke."

"Huh, what's that? Oh I'm about to hit this weird time limit that's been set on promos?"

"That's so stupid but okay."

"I'm Dick Powers, my team is better, I'm just amazing in general but more on that next time."


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