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X-treme Wrestling Federation » Shove-It! Boards » Shove-It! Results
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(04-01-20) YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO SHOVE-IT Results
Author Message
Ned Kaye Offline
per cogitabat, per facis
TITLE - Tag Champion



XWF FanBase:
The IWC

(gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)


#1
04-04-2020, 05:54 AM

LIVE FROM THE PRESIDENT RICHARD SIMMONS MEMORIAL CENTER



MILWAUKEE, ILLINOIS


FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY (Presented to you in no small part by The FXW, Nefarious Ned Kaye, and PBS All Access. Thank you.)


YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO SHOVE-IT
Presented by Nefarious Ned Kaye and the Federation of X-Treme Wrestling

(Logo available only on Opera Browser)


Lil W
- vs -
David Whitesand
Guy's Grocery Games Beatdown


Nefarious Ned Kaye
- vs -
Gilbert Peterson
Falls Count Nowhere


Greg Brown
- vs -
Iceman
"Solid" Aluminum Cage Match






Sean Peacestein
- vs -
Lightning Hands
Title Match for the Inaugural
Universal Consolation Prize







HH: "Well, have we got a show for you tonight! This is Tumblr icon and multiple time Razzie winner Heather "Hezzie" Halliwell joined by Pip the Golly Green Giant!"

Pip: "Pip am excited tonight!"

HH: "That's great to hear, buddy. Pip and I will have the pleasure of calling three of tonight's four matches, as one of our matches will be happening on the set of Guy's Grocery Games! Speaking of, I'm getting confirmation that aforementioned match is about to start! Take it away, Drunk Atty!"



As the picture cuts to their on location correspondents, the first two people seen are esteemed Firestone Star Chef Guy Fieri...



And the FXW's "reliable" on-location commentator, Drunk Atty!



Atty: "Hey TV people! Atty here with Chef Fieri on, like, his game food show thing! Say hi!"

She nudges Guy slightly with her hand holding her glass of wine, clearly making the world class chef uncomfortable.

Guy: "...Hello. Despite the... unorthodox nature of our production tonight, the rules of this bout will be rather straightforward. Both competitors shall be given three minutes to simultaneously gather ingredients from our on-set grocery store. After this allotted time, the match will begin and they will be allowed to use any of the ingredients they have gathered in their match."

Atty: "That's, like... pretty cool!"

Guy: "Indeed. Look! It appears our competitors are on their way thusly!"

Lil W
- vs -
David Whitesand
Guy's Grocery Games Beatdown






David Whitesand walks out and trips, looks around uneasily, then continues onward, towards the ring. Twitching and jerking his head about as he stares all around the arena, bug-eyed and unquestionably nervous. When he gets to the ring, he doesn't seem like he understands how to properly, get inside and appears to be extremely uncomfortable, fidgeting in an anxious or apprehensive manner and furrwing his brows in frustration. Finally he just rolls under the bottom rope. From there, he gets to his feet, takes a few steps and stumbles again, before taking position in the ring.





"Batman" by Powerglove begins to play, getting instinctual boos from the crowd. As the music begins to intensify, Lil W makes his way to the ring, pumping his arms wildly in front of his chest. The closer he approaches the ring, he begins to incorporate crotch chops and middle fingers. He both looks and smells like he's been doing cocaine. As he hops up into the ring, pulling himself up by the apron, he looks across to his opponent and does some shadow boxing towards the genital region. All of this is met with a chorus of disdain by the audience in attendance.

Guy: "Now that our two warriors are prepared to duke it out in the chapel of culinary delight, I feel inclined to ask if you have any words to proceed this match."

Atty thinks for a moment.

Atty: "Well, like... like, I think these two are really good and, cuz o' that, the match is gonna be, like, really good too, y'know!"

She begins gesturing with her wine hand, causing a large splash to spill on Chef Fieri's formal coat. He looks down despairingly.

Guy: "This... this is my most prized attire! A gift from my mentor, Marco-Pierre Black! How could you?"

Atty: "Shh, shhhh... it'll iron out, bud."

Guy: " Let's just get this over with... Your time starts in..."


3!



2!



1!


3:00 REMAIN


David Whitesand prepares to start running towards the aisles only to yelp in pain as Lil W bites hard on one his ankles! Lil Dub snickers before leaving David to tend to leg.

Atty: "That's... pretty not cool."

Guy: "What is that small man doing?"

W grabs a broom, hopping into one of the shopping carts provided and proceeds to row his way towards the produce section! Meanwhile, David has gotten to his feet and is moving towards the canned goods aisle!

2:24 REMAIN


After hurriedly collecting different brands of soup, Whitesand rushes to the cereal aisle and begins grabbing everything he can. As soon as he grabs a box of Lucky Charms, however, he is assualted once again by Lil W, who scales the shelves to steal the box and begins punching David in the face! After regaining his senses, David counters with an arm drag into one of the shelves! Lil Dub’s face collides with the shelf, sending him through a couple of boxes of saltine crackers. W scales the shelves to escape Whitesand's retribution!

But David is following close behind! He climbs up to pursue Lil Dub until they're both atop the aisle! David stares Dub down before hitting him a with a spear off the aisle and into other shelves! The collision causes a domino effect of destruction as each aisle crashes into the other!

Guy cries out in anguish as his beautiful set falls in the name of cheap entertainment for hillbillies.

Amidst the culinary carnage, both wrestlers lay amongst the wreckage for a short bit.

1:47 REMAIN


Lil W is the first to get up, quickly heading to the meat section, grabbing a plastic bag to collect some of the downed ingredients on his way there! David picks himself up shortly after, hopping over the fallen shelves as if they were hurdles as he surveys around him for useful items. After some hasty consideration, Whitesand heads to the frozen foods section where W is already scrambling for some good finds. Attempting to capitalize on this, David prepares to rush Dub for a strike, only to be stopped as W runs inside of the actual freezer area, popping out of another door behind David!

Before Whitesand can figure out W's location, he looks through the foggy glass of the open freezer door in front of him to see Dub crotch chopping before running and performing a dropkick that swings the cold door into David's face!

Atty: "That's, like, seriously a party foul."

Guy: "To be perfectly fair, this entire affair is foul. Remind me not to ever take a deal like this again..."

Atty: "Why don't you, like, write it down, y'know?"

Guy's contempt is not heard, but it is felt nonetheless.

0:52 REMAIN


Lil W is celebrating wildly as he prepares to get back to his cart, only to be met with a Tombstone pizza to be cracked over his head! Grabbing a nearby empty shopping cart, Whitesand runs into W, propelling the Biggest Small Package in the Game into a giant upright display of 12 packs of soda arranged in the shape of Ned Kaye's face!

David rushes back to the ring with his cart full of instruments of pain with plenty of time to spare!

0:31 REMAIN


Atty: "Hey, Mr. Chef, what'll happen if W can't make it back in time?"

Guy: "He'll be disqualified and we can finally end this undue abuse of my recording studio. If only I could be so lucky!"

0:15 REMAIN


With time rapidly expiring, W still is nowhere near the ring!

0:05 REMAIN


Here comes Lil Dub, rowing as fast as he can to his corner!

0:04 REMAIN


But can he make it?!

0:03 REMAIN


His pace is looking to be just a little too slow as time keeps ticking down!

0:02 REMAIN


...

0:01 REMAIN


HE MAKES IT IN THE NICK OF TIME!

0:00 REMAIN


The bell rings! Both men are exhausted from their previous altercations, but their animosity has given them more than enough energy to duke it out! They both begin to search their carts for a relevant, food related weapon. David grabs a box of Cap'n Crunch, ripping it open and speading cereal across the mat. Meanwhile, Lil W grabs several lemons as he proceeds to gnaw the peels off!

Whitesand does his best to approach Dub for a grapple, but he's just not used to fighting such a small man! W gets a cheap shin kick in, causing David to kneel providing W the perfect chance to squirt the lemons into his opponent's eyes!

David tries desperately to ignore the pain, but he just can't regain vision before Lil Dub begins his aggressive arrangement of palm strikes, knocking David backwards! W goes for the pin!



1!





2!




KICKOUT!


W smacks the canvas, visibly frustrated that David held on! Dub goes back to his cart, grabbing the Lucky Charms and tearing through the packaging. He gets a handful of marshmallows in both hands and begins to shove them into David's ears so his senses are dulled further! W takes the opportunity to set up for a devastating running knee that lays Whitesand out! W grabs a package of hot dogs and tears one out that he places in front of his own crotch, dancing about.

"I FUCKED YOUR MOM, DAWG!"

Unbeknownst to Lil W, Whitesand is picking himself off the ground!

"She..."

"Deserves..."

"Better!"


David scoops and slams W onto the Cap'n Crunch! Dub crutches his back in agony, his cocaine baggie falling out of his pocket and spilling onto the mat! David sees his opportunity as he tosses a bag of flour onto the canvas and lifts W as he tries to retrieve his coke! Whitesand lifts him high and powerbombs him onto the flour, causing a huge white fog to encompass them! David locks in the pin!


1!


W does the first thing he can think of and begins to snort the flour/coke mixture as he's being pinned!


2!



3!



NO, HE KICKED OUT JUST IN TIME!

David can't believe it! He consults the ref, who's still coughing in the cloud of laced flour before a plastic bag is thrown into his face! The ref is distracted by the bag, he can't see! Between the ref's legs, with a renewed adrenaline, is Lil W! He headbutts David's in the crotch and goes for the pin, yelling some racially charged obscenities at the ref!


1!



2!





3!

WINNER BY GROCERY-RELATED PINFALL

LIL W


Lil W stands as tall as he can as his arm is raised! He turns to antagonize Whitesand further only to be met with a kick to the thigh from David that hits his comically sized penis! W doubles over in intense pain as Chef Fieri looks on in complete disgust at the display before him.

Guy: "Is that good enough for you?! IS THIS WHAT YOU ANIMALS WANTED?!"

The scene cuts back to Hezzie and Pip in front of the crowd that is going absolutely crazy after seeing Whitesand dick kick Lil Dub.

HH: "We couldn't ask for more, Chef! We'll be right back after this!"



The crowd is starting to settle back in, when all of a sudden...




The crowd is whipped into a complete frenzy! Music we haven't heard in years! Could he be here? After a few seconds...


Yes! It's him! He emerges from the back!

....IT'S JIM BRAUN! The former owner of the FXW! The crowd has no idea how to react to the man who ran the place for nearly 20 years. The music dies down, but the fans continue to chant.

"JIMYTHAN! JIMYTHAN!"
"Thank you, JIM BRAUN! Thank you, JIM BRAUN!"


"Yes, thank you, me!"

JIM BRAUN shows off his trademark cocky smile as he looks into the crowd.

"As you're all aware, I haven't been around recently. And I know it's a shame to you all. I know you've all been disappointed, sitting there, week after week, without seeing my lovely face on your television."

The cheers start to die, and some actually turn to boo's, as they remember the multiple weeks where JIM BRAUN would have to be seen throughout the show.

"And I've been listening to feedback. Trust me. I know the calls for JIM BRAUN to come back have been mounting for a long time. And it's easy to see why...because this place SUCKS!"

And just like that, the crowd reverts back to the old days of JIM BRAUN being the most hated person in the FXW. BRAUN doesn't stop, though, as he yells through the boos.

"Hell, look at this place! Look who we have on the main event! A newcomer - a complete nobody likes SEAN PEACESTEIN? Someone completely new to this place? I can promise you this - if PEACESTEIN would have been around when I ran this place, he certainly wouldn't have been a "JIM BRAUN GUY!"

The crowd boos at the mention of JIM BRAUN guys, folks that BRAUN handpicked to be superstars.

"Would he have held up against someone like "FIRESTARTER" CAYDEN ROLLINS? Hell no!"

The crowd cheers at the mention of the super Babyface ROLLINS, one of the nicest men in FXW history.

"Would he have held up against CRACKER SEAHOUSE? Absolutely not!"

Now a boo for one of the most hated, yet most accomplished wrestlers in the federation's history.

"No, you know who WOULD have been a JIM BRAUN guy? NED KAYE!"

A massive amount of boos for one of the biggest villains in pro wrestling.

"If I had NED KAYE in the FXW back in the old days, I would have been able to print money with my face on it! That's why I'm here tonight - to support the one man who is willing to save the very thing I helped create! So NED, I have your back tonight. Make JIMYTHAN proud!"

"No Chance In Hell" plays again, but it is almost completely drowned out by the booing of the crowd. BRAUN casually tosses the mic onto the stage before turning and walking backstage.



Hezzie does her best to hide her disapproval. It's not much.

HH: "Very... insightful words from Jimythan Braun."

Pip: "Look! New match start!"

Nefarious Ned Kaye
- vs -
Gilbert Peterson
Falls Count Nowhere






A few church bells ring as a bright light illuminates the top of the ramp. As quickly as they came, they disperse, leaving the ramp normally lit to reveal Gilbert Peterson right as his music hits! Gilbert places his hands together and prays as he walks towards the ring, telling various crowd members "Christ be with you." Finally at ringside, he climbs the steps and enters in between the ropes with the dignity and cheers typically only God-fearing men earn. He holds his arms out as the fans prepare to shout his famous three word catchphrase with him.

...

...

"PRAISE THE LORD!"

Dropping his arms, his head shoots towards the F-Tron as familiar static encompasses the screen.





The entire stadium is filled with boos as the despised Nefarious Scientist Ned Kaye enters from backstage! He's riding his trusty mech to the ring, laughing as the crowd tosses various kinds of garbage at him. He presses a small button, causing a burst of flame to come from the front of his vehicle, lighting at least one security personnel ablaze, but dissuading further trash being pelted. He dismounts the mech, doing a front flip into the ring out of the cockpit and tossing his goggles out into the audience, prompting the fans to struggle in hopes of avoiding contact with his disgusting sweat.

As the bell rings, Peterson keeps a close eye on his opponent. If any man could pull disgust out of the good Gilbert Peterson, Ned Kaye, the self-proclaimed Kayetheist, cetrainly has a good chance.

HH: "Gilbert's fully aware of what Ned's capable of. How he handles himself in this match will be interesting for sure."

The Nefarious One studies his opponent carefully, appearing to calculate a strategy behind his large, sinister grin. As Gilbert lunges to lock up, Ned ducks, rushing to Peterson's side and preforming a stiff looking Step-Up Enziguri! Gilbert staggers back into the ropes, prompting to Kaye to hop onto a nearby turnbuckle. Finding his footing, Ned runs across the ropes to the opposite turnbuckle, swiftly kicking Peterson on the way there! As Peterson falls to the mat, Ned glances behind to see his prey prone beneath him and executes a brilliant Backwards Moonsault!

He locks in a pin on Peterson, counting loudly under an avalanche of hatred from the audience.

1!



2!






3!

Pip: "Why Ned no win?"

HH: "Well, Pip, that's because this is a Falls Count Nowhere match! While they can wrestle in the entire stadium with no DQ, only submissions can win the match. Somehow, I feel as though this fact was not lost on The Nefarious One."

Ned laughs manically as he holds the pin longer. Referee Yore Taynt moves in, pleading for Kaye to stop messing around. The FXW's premier Scientist leaps to his feet, admonishing the official for interrupting his fun.

Gilly is stirring while Ned argues with the ref! His back turned, Ned doesn't see the flying elbow from Gilbert coming!

Kaye topples to the ground! He attempts to scramble to his feet only to meet a roll-up from God's Greatest Devotee!

The crowd counts enthusiastically!

1!

Ned is struggling to break free!




2!

Pip: "Something not right."

HH: "Something's definitely fishy here!




3!

Gilbert Peterson drops Ned's body and stand triumphantly, awaiting the bell! The stadium gives him a huge pop while anticipates the announcement of his victory. Behind him, laying down on his side, is The Nefarious One with a smug grin at his opponent's confusion.

HH: "Oh, I see. Typical Ned."

As Referee Taynt explains the situation to Gilbert, he looks back at Ned, who is brimming with laughter at his opponent's expense, slapping the mat in his hysterics. Done with the doctor's behavior, Peterson deadlifts Kaye, squirming and screaming, and tosses him face first into his own mech!

Gilbert hops out of the ring and puts a very basic looking armbar on Kaye, who, other than his face being cut open from slamming into his vehicle, looks rather okay!

HH: "Now it all makes sense! Ned was-"

Pip: "Ned was aware a submission bout would nullify the threat of his opponent as Gilbert Peterson has proven to be rather neglectful to his training in that field."

Hezzie looks at her broadcasting partner with a shocked face.

HH: "E-exactly, Pip."

Kaye quickly manuevers out of the hold and pushes Peterson's face against the steel barrier, where he finds himself stuck. Nefarious Ned smirks, seeing his opening as the ref begs him to stop. Ned steps back and hits Gilbert with a nasty dropkick, grating the God-loving Gladiator's jaw across the steel barrier! As he approaches to do more unnecessary damage, referee Taynt will see no more of this and demands Ned to finish the match now! Kaye, incensed, slowly turns his gaze to her.

NNK: "You dare make demands... of me?! This is MY show! MINE!"

Ned raises a fist, fuming.

HH: "He wouldn't dare..."

Suddenly, his index finger shoots up and he begins to rotate his arm in a circular motion, culminating in a dramatic point towards the ramp!

HH: "NED JUST THREW OUT A REFEREE!"

Pip: "HE DO WHAT?"

Flabbergasted, Ref Taynt slowly walks up the ramp, completely speechless as one of Dr. Kaye's patented Ref-O-Trons passes her by.

Finally free from being bothered by rules, Ned drags Peterson's limp body up the ramp, putting it in a nice, open spot near the F-Tron. Chuckling with glee, Ned runs over to his mech and pulls out a remote control panel that he uses to guide the mech up the ramp as he follows close behind. Once it's finally up there, he positions it to lightly crush his pious opponent underneath its mechanical foot! Gilbert struggles uselessly beneath the mechanized monstrosity!

All of a sudden, a drink is pelted at the back of Kaye's head, causing him to twist around to antagonize whoever attacked him. Unfortunately for Ned, he accidentally nudges his controls, resulting in the mech losing balance and toppling on top of him. Finally getting a chance to breath while Ned is trapped, Gilbert climbs the mech, and then climbs to the top of the F-Tron!

HH: "What is Peterson thinking?"

Focusing on the intense support of the crowd, Peterson begins to pray harder than he ever has! Ned finally frees himself from being pinned by the mech! From out of nowhere, a bolt of lightning from God Himself strikes The Nefarious One who stumbles into some of the crowd who hold his barely living husk in place. Gilbert taps his elbow and leaps off the F-Tron!!!

HE CONNECTS, NEARLY FOLDING KAYE LIKE AN ACCORDION!!!

He locks in the armbar... but it's still not enough. The Ref-O-Tron watches on as Ned refuses to tap to such a weak hold when one of the audience members grabs Ned's free hand and slaps it against the ground blatantly!

THE REF-O-TRON CALLS THE MATCH!

WINNER BY SUBMISSION

GILBERT PETERSON


As the beloved Gilbert Peterson stands tall above Ned Kaye, who is still arguing with the Ref-O-Tron over the grounds of his "defeat," the fans chant proudly in favor of Peterson and his life's work.

FUCK YEAH! GOD!
FUCK YEAH! GOD!
FUCK YEAH! GOD!


The camera lingers on Gilbert's horrified expression before quickly cutting to the commentary duo.



Pip: "God man no like fuck word."

HH: "One moment, Pip. I've just been informed that our backstage correspondent has an important interview for us. To you, Stevie!"

The scene cuts backstage to a woman in a very professional looking dress holding a microphone outside of a dressing room. She has a rather fake-looking smile under exhausted eyes.



"Stevie Sayors here! As you all know, tonight's Main Event will crown the FXW's first ever Universal Consolation Prize Holder! I should be here with eager contender Lightning Hands, however..."

The camera turns to show more of the dressing room's door as Sayors presses on it, revealing it to be quite locked.

"We have had no luck in securing an interview with Mr. Hands despite being out here since the show started. Furthermore, we've been informed that he will not see us until he has reached a stopping point in his tireless humanitarian efforts. I've been informed that we will remain here on standby until... well, until that happens."

Stevie uneasily signs off.

"Back to you, Hezzie."

HH: "Thanks... Stevie."

...

HH: "Oh, would you look at the time? The next match is just about to get underway!"



Greg Brown
- vs -
Iceman
"Solid" Aluminum Cage Match






"Kick The Dust Up" by Luke Bryan begins to play, prompting loud disapproval from the fans. Greg Brown struts his way down to the ring, scoffing at some of the cismen in the audience and motioning for the transmen to call him as he places a pantomimed phone to his ear and licks at the air aggressively. As more of the crowd becomes uncomfortable, he rubs his hair-covered chest for his beloved FTM vajboys. Once he has thoroughly aroused only himself, Greg Brown makes his way to his corner.





The stadium goes dark for a few passing moments, brimming back to life as "Knights of Cydonia" by Muse fills the President Simmons Memorial Center and with it, Iceman is seen in the cool, blue lights of the F-Tron. The crowd gives him a warm reception of chants and cheers as he walks down ramp, avoiding the areas of the walkway that Brown stepped on.

Pip: "Pip like Iceman! He always shows up at match."

HH: "That's right, Pip! Although he hasn't always been the nicest fella in the FXW, he certainly warrants a better reaction than Brown."

Iceman makes it to the ring, watching his opponent closely. But before he can make any readings the cage begins to slowly lower down to surround the ring!

Halfway down, however, they slow the lowering process with no real explanation.

Pip: "Why is slow?"

HH: "To-uh... to protect the ground, Pip."

Greg Brown and Iceman start to circle one another as the cage starts to slowly fall down. Luckily, The referee goes and fixes it very quickly. Brown nails Iceman with a stiff left hook that was harder than his dick. Iceman goes down and part of the cage collapses. Oh, the humanity! Bill taunts the crowd by pointing at his cock and they start booing him. One fan throws a cup full of beer at the cage. The cage starts sagging a bit as the referee goes to try to fix that issue. 

Brown goes to lock on the Brown Nightmare only to get a kick in the balls. Brown falls over as Iceman gets back up. Iceman grabs Brown and locks in a leglock of some sort. I dunno. Brown reaches the ropes when all of sudden, A section of the cage falls down on them both. They are stunned as the referee starts counting them both out. 

Referee: 1…..2……..3………

Brown starts to stir as the crowd starts booing. Brown reaches his feet as the referee stops the count. He grabs that part of the cage and hits Iceman with it. The fans start throwing peaches at him. One connects and hits him in the side of the head. He gets blinded and falls out the ring. Luckily for us, The match can only end by pinfall so it doesn’t count. Iceman gets back up and just shakes his head as the fans start chanting his name. Brown climbs back into the ring. 

They lock up once again and Iceman gets the upper hand and nails Brown with a body slam to the cheers of the crowd. Iceman goes for a front chin lock on Brown. Brown struggles to make it to the ropes in time as the fans boo at that reaction. Iceman does that thing Randy Orton does in which he stomps the body parts of a downed opponent. I don’t know what to call it. Iceman does that trademark Orton Pose to the cheers of the audience. He grabs Brown and Brown counters with a punch to the balls of his own. The fans start booing. 

Brown gets back to his feet and quickly capitalizes with the tenacity of a wasp and nails him with an Air Raid Crash. Iceman falls the ground. Brown quickly climbs to the top rope and goes for a splash only to get caught in the cage and falls to the ground taking that section with him as well. Iceman gets back up and looks at the mess as about 75% of the cage is non-existent at this point. Iceman grabs a piece and hits Brown with it. The fans are cheering. 

HH: "I don't think I've ever seen that happen in a wrestling match before!"

Iceman drops the piece of the cage and drags Brown to the center of the ring and locks on the Imperfect Sleep. The referee goes to check on Brown. Brown is still fighting. Brown manages to roll over onto his stomach with Iceman still on his back. Brown is fighting it off as best as he can. Brown goes to get back to his feet only to get trapped in a pin attempt and he kicks out at 2. They both get back up and this time Brown gets the upperhand as he nails Iceman with a stiff shot that stuns him. 

Another fans throws a full cup of beer at Brown as Brown catches it this time and throws it into Iceman's eyes. Iceman is stunned. Brown hits him with a DDT and goes to lock on the Brown Nightmare.

Iceman tries desperately to resist the pain!

But..



He just...




Can't!

ICEMAN TAPS!

WINNER BY SUBMISSION

GREG BROWN


Greg Brown leaps up, smirking widely as the referee holds his arm up. The fans boo him rigorously, their anger becoming more audible with each pelvic thrust from the Brown Nightmare.

HH: "Well, you know what that means! We're just about ready for our Main Event of the eveni-"

NNK: "We have an urgent message from our sponsors!"

Hezzie Halliwell gives Ned an annoyed glare as the scene from the announcer's desk fades out.



A commercial fades in, playing stock footage of picturesque waterfalls, sunny skies, and small teams cooperating in an office setting.

"There's a lot of things a leader needs to be..."

"Approachable."

"Adaptable."

"Constantly striving to improve themself."

"Capable of subduing the entire state of Illinois."


A green screened Nefarious Ned Kaye appears over the various stock footage clips, dressed in his normal scientific garb.

"Hi, I'm Ned Kaye. And while I am currently actively holding several million lives hostage at my own convenience, I am also more than qualified in serving this country in the most noble way possible. That's why I am hereby announcing my campaign for President of these United States."

"Now, you might be asking yourself, "Ned, aren't you a dictator hellbent on the subjugation of humanity under your iron fist through the use of technology?" Well, the answer is, simply put..."


Dr. Kaye smiles brightly for the camera.

"Yes."

"The real question is whether or not you'd like to work in the salt mines of Kentucky when my reign as your President begins. If that answer is "no," then I highly recommend you lend me your support this November."

"Remember, a vote for a Ned is a vote to not be enslaved in Kentucky!"


This message was paid for by the Free Province of Illinois.



The picture cuts back to the announcer's desk where Ned Kaye has made himself more than comfortable.

HH: "Hello, Ned. We didn't anticipate your arrival."

NNK: "It's not my fault you and your inarticulate partner here are so short sighted. Besides, even though this Main Event is an absolute MOCKERY due to the wishes of FXW management, I'm not about to miss out on a commentary position on my own show! By the way, what did you think of my ad?"

HH: "Truly a chilling vision of things to come."

The Nefarious One gives a big grin and props his feet up on the desk, knocking over Pip's coffee cup onto some unsuspecting crewmen.

Pip: "Pip not like science man."

NNK: "The feeling is more than mutual."





Sean Peacestein
- vs -
Lightning Hands
Title Match for the Inaugural
Universal Consolation Prize






"I Saw A Tiger" by Joe Exotic begins to play, garnering a huge pop from the audience! The song continues to play, although Lightning Hands has yet to walk out.

...

Nothing. The crowd gets quiet.

...




Still nothing.

...










The song loops two or three times before, finally, Lightning Hands is brought out to the ring! He's accompanied by two security guards, practically dragging him down to the ring as he continues to write checks, even tossing a few into the stands as he's pulled down the ramp. As he finally sets his check writing aside he waves to the stadium who roar in approval.





The F-Tron shines a brilliant red, white, and blue as "Proud to Be An American" by Lee Greenwood Toby Keith plays through the speakers of the arena. The entire stadium pops as out walks Sean Peacestein. Sean smiles humbly as he begins to walk down the ramp, greeting individual attendees as he walks. After a few dozen quick greetings, he apologizes that he cannot greet everyone in the building and heads down to the ring, quickly climbing in and waving to everyone before offering a handshake to Lightning Hands, his smile still as big as his heart.

The audience begin to chant loudly, finally seeing these two beloved figures face to face in the ring with one another.

"SHAKE HIS HAND!"
"SHAKE HIS HAND!"
"SHAKE HIS HAND!"


After little consideration, Lightning Hands gladly shakes Sean's hand, resulting in the entire crowd erupting with applause.

HH: "What a great display of sportsmanship!"

Pip: "Two little mans have big respect."

Dr. Kaye is heard nearly vomiting at the sight.

*DING, DING*

The two men prepare to grapple in the center of the ring as they take in the positive atmosphere! Suddenly, some competing chants begin to arise.

"LET'S GO LIGHTNING!"
"LET'S GO SEAN!"
"LET'S GO LIGHTNING!"
"LET'S GO SEAN!"


Pip: "Fans love both!"

HH: "The audience just can't decide who they want to win! Both men are just so beloved!"

NNK: "God, if this gets any more saccharine, I'm gonna have to burn down an orphanage later just to get the ick off."

The two men finally begin to grape as the crowd goes wild with applause! Lightning Hands begins to lose his footing a bit, so Sean makes sure to let him regain it a bit before continuing. After some very technical and decidedly fair grappling, Sean has the upper hand! Peacestein whips Hands into the ropes and hits him with a clothesline, obviously making attempts to not be needlessly aggressive. Lightning Hands kips up and stares down his opponent in the least threatening way possible.

They begin to trade open hand chops in the middle of the ring! Peacestein salutes with his other hand over his heart and then raises his arm high, bringing his hand down for a big chop! Then Hands hits him back! Peacestein! Hands! Peacestein! Hands! Lightning begins to do a little dance across from his winded and respectful opponent, checks falling out of his pockets! He chops Peacestein down, the American Goodass hitting the ground with a loud thud. The crowd can't believe he was knocked over and are hollering in support of LH!

On commentary, Ned obnoxiously bursts into laughter.

NNK: "HAHAHAHA! TAKE THAT SHAWN!"

HH: "...Don't you hate Lightning Hands just as much, Ned."

Dr. Kaye ceases, stammering somewhat in an annoyed fashion.

NNK: "Ju-just let me have this, Heather!"

Peacestein picks himself, smiling at his opponent's impressive strength! He rushes in and slips behind Lightning Hands, bringing the Master of Charimony to the ground and locking him into his trademark Anaconda Vice! As he stares at Lightning Hands, squirming in intense pain at Sean's most devastating hold, he can't help, but get up and try something else.

HH: "It looks like Sean just can't bear to hurt LH too much! He's just too nice to brutalize a fellow athlete so needlessly! If only everybody in our sport, ahem, could be so considerate!"

The Nefarious One grumbles at the sickeningly thoughtful sportsmanlike conduct.

Sean pulls Lightning Hands to his feet, but LH is just too out of shape! He's been putting all of his time into his charity work so he's far too behind on honing his athleticism! Very carefully, Peacestein gets him into a DDT and waits a second before hitting it, grimacing a bit as they hit the ground. He's about to go for another submission when his concern for his fellow competitor stops him from being able to put any more undue stress on Lightning's body!

Looking down at his exhausted opponent, Sean goes for the pin, the fans cheering on, getting more and more frenzied!

1!




2!



Sean gets up to break his own pin!

NNK: "What the hell is Shawn doing?!"

Peacestein motions for a microphone and helps Lightning Hands up. He points out to the crowd smiling his familiar grin and begins to speak!

"I just can't pin you, Lightning. Because this Universal Consolation Prize... well, it doesn't belong to me. It belongs to America! Whaddya say?"

A tear vaguely in the shape of a bald eagle runs down Hands' cheek as he nods and shakes Sean's hand proudly. The audience goes absolutely nuts! The bell rings!

WINNER BY A GENERAL AGREEMENT AND NEEEWWWWWWW
UNIVERSAL CONSOLATION PRIZE HOLDER

AMERICA


Sean Peacestein and Lightning Hands stand triumphantly as the referee hands them the Universal Consolation Prize Trophy! The crowd cannot get enough of the two and begin to chant!

"USA!"
"USA!"
"USA!"


HH: "A tremendous victory for America! One cannot imagine a more picturesque ending for tonig-"

NNK: "NO!!!"

Ned slams his fists down on the desk.

NNK: "NO, NO, NO, NO!!! It wasn't meant to be this way! I was supposed to be in this match! I was supposed to win! Shawn shouldn't have been anywhere near the Universal Consolation Prize! They can't even spell his name right on his intro graphic!"

HH: "Uh... Ned... That is how his name is spelled."

NNK: "What?"

Kaye looks up at Pip with disbelief in his eyes. The Golly Green Giant sadly nods.

NNK: "You mean... I've been saying it wrong this whole fucking time?!"

Pip: "It sound okay to Pip..."

NNK: "Now this is the last straw!"

Ned leaps over the announcer's desk and rushes towards the ring. He slowly approaches Sean while his back is turned! The fans cry for Sean to watch out only to have him somewhat absentmindedly swing the trophy into Ned's face, cutting his head open again as The Nefarious One falls onto his face.

Sean immediately begins to apologize to the downed Kaye as the audience cheers at the sight of one of their most hated performers getting his! Peacestein kneels down and calls for medical assistance amidst all the joyous shouts. The show fades to black as Nefarious Ned Kaye gurgles in a small pool of his own blood.



Join us on April 1st, 2021 for...

YOU ARE CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO SHOVE-IT

(Logo available on all browsers supporting Flash!)



SPECIAL THANKS TO:
-Everybody who signed up and RP'd for this incredibly stupid idea. (Fuzz, TK, Jimson, Big D, Donovan MacBlackwater, Barney, and Mav.
-Extra thanks to Fuzz and Big D for supporting the initial concept.
-Extra thanks to Barney for writing a match.
-Extra thanks to Donovan for suggesting the ME finish.
-Centurion for submitting a segment.
-Atara for allowing Drunk Atty to be included.
-My mom for giving birth to me, but not sticking around long enough to witness this mess.
-Noah Jackson for encouraging me to do a Shove-It at some point.(This was most definitely not what he had in mind.)
-James Raven, not because he did anything, I just like James Raven.
-And YOU for reading this nonsense!

"You can't run from yourself."
[Image: riNkNZw.png]
XWF
Wins | Losses | Draws
52 | 37 | 4


Indie Darling Eternal

#33 on The XWF Top 50(2021)
1x Tag Team Champion[with Isaiah King](Current)
2x [Image: CbviDqC.png] (Former)
1x X-Treme Champion(Former)
The Final Supercontinental Champion
1x Television Champion(Former)
Star of the Month - April 2019 | March 2021 | December 2022
RP of the Month - March 2021 (Void of the Mind)
Winner - Leap Of Faith Rafter Match 2019
1x 24/7 Briefcase Holder
Winner - War Games 2023(With Mark Flynn, Isaiah King, & Crash Rodriguez as G00D-B01)


All Time Career(Interfed)
Wins | Losses | Draws
52 | 38 | 4
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Thunder Knuckles™ Offline
A No Good Bastard



XWF FanBase:
The 'cool' kliq fans

(booed by casual fans; opportunistic; often plays dirty while setting the trends)


#2
04-04-2020, 09:38 AM

"What better charity than to give America a win right now" - Lighting Hands

[Image: brofade.gif]
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Jim "the Jim" Jimson Offline
The man, the myth, the legend, the pin



XWF FanBase:
Not Over

(the perfect heel; hated even by the fans who usually cheer heels; pisses off internet fans too)


#3
04-04-2020, 12:46 PM

Sometimes the power of God is so strong you don't even have to rp to win.



7x Heavymetalweight champin
1x Federweight champion

XWF record
8-12    

Universal record 13-24  


The relatives of Jim Jimson
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Hey


















You wanna see my cool new banner




















Well.....























Here it is
[Image: tJUYYdT.jpg]















What... you don't like it
























Well I tried my best you fucking piece of shit you don't have to make fun of it you little bitch



































You thought something was down here huh. Well, you must be pretty dumb. Maybe you should go check-up in the text for the pins









































During all Business Enquires please refer to Mr. Jimson as "Small Daddy Meat Jimson" to assure business professionalism.












oh wait

























they got rid of the Heavymetalweight championship because appartenly they hate fun at XWF headquaters smh shaking my head rn
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