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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » March Madness 2020 RP Board
New/You: Part 5 THE CURE FOR WHAT AILS YA!
Author Message
Madison Dyson Offline
Not a fascist! :)



XWF FanBase:
Not Over

(the perfect heel; hated even by the fans who usually cheer heels; pisses off internet fans too)


#1
03-19-2020, 03:37 PM

THE FOLLOWING PROMO IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY.....


[Image: screenshot.png]


As the shot opens, we see star of the silver screen and vagina odor enthusiast Gwyneth Paltrow step out from a massive vagina made of paper mache flowers. The opening seems to be a bit tighter than she expected however, and she struggles a bit to push her way through the slit, looking kind of like a fully grown and clothed human being born. A stage hand quickly rushes in to help, grabbing her hand and pulling her the rest of the way through before rushing back out of camera range. Gwyneth smooths her dress and smiles for the camera.

Hello fellow womyn, and welcome back to THE GOOP LAB. I'm very excited to talk about some new products that are currently in development, and discuss an amazing new partnership with another company! But, to whet your whistle, here's a sneak preview of some other things we've got coming down the pike!

It turns out the “sneak preview” is just a list that scrolls down the bottom of the screen like a ticker.

Face Cream Distilled from the Menstrual Blood of Female Merchant Seamen...errr....SeaWOMYN

A Test to Determine if Your Unborn Foetus Will be an INDIGO BABY

A New Line of Vagina Candles including, My Vagina After a Summer Swim, My Vagina After Getting Hollowed Out By The Pool Boy, My Vagina While Filing For Alimony Payments, My Vagina While Having a Screaming Match With My Embittered Children, and finally My Vagina While Sobbing Into a Pint of Chunky Monkey Spiked With Scotch.

Gwyneth looks pretty excited by all that. Oh boy, sounds great. But the big news is this. We here at Goop take your health very, very seriously. Especially in these uncertain and scary times, looking after yourself is more important than ever. And Goop wants to be on the cutting edge of curing what ails you. So, to that end, it's my pleasure to announce our partnership with New/You Enterprises! Please welcome the Chairwomyn and CEO of New/You...MADISON DYSON!

Gwyneth applauds politely as she walks over to a posh seating area on The Goop Lab set. Madison is waiting for her, and she folds her hands together and gives Gwyneth a slight bow.

Namaste!

Namaste! Gwyneth gestures for Madison to sit, and they both relax. So Madison, your new venture has been getting a lot of traction in the news for your amazing claims to completely reinvent the lives of ordinary Americans. And now, you're here to drop another bombshell?!

Madison smiles coyly. Indeed I am. For the past few weeks I have been giving hundreds of thousands of people the opportunity to stare genetic destiny in the face and say NO. And you know, it's so so empowering as a WOMYN.... Madison can't help but suppress the slightest of cringes...to give people that power. Not to mention increasing your 99.99% Caucasian consumer base, Gwyneth!

Gwyneth laughs nervously. Heh...yeah. So, don't keep us in suspense any longer Madison, what's the big announcement?!

She chuckles. Well, it's twofold, and it requires a bit of explanation. Now, you all know that I was recently given the power to alter people's genetic codes at will to change people's races, right?

Gwyneth accepts this utterly unconditionally and with a blank, unthinking look on her face.

Right! But, what we didn't foresee is a HUGELY beneficial side effect my race treatments would have! Madison faces the camera, looking really excited. It turns out that people who undergo my ethnic rinsing as I like to call it are also miraculously cured of one of the world's most insidious, vile, and terrible diseases!

Gwyneth gasps and clutches Madison's knee. OH MY GOD, YOU CURED CORONAVIRUS?!!

Madison guffaws openly. Ohh hoooo hoooo hoooo, HELL NO! That shit's HERE TO STAY! No, I'm talking about AUTISM!

FUCK VACCINES! Gwyneth spits it out like a Tourettes tic, her face momentarily and horrifically contorting into an expression of pure rage.

Madison grimaces in surprise, but recovers quickly. Yeah, BOOO VACCINES! But anyhoo, I can cure autism now too. And if I may, I would like to take a moment to discuss the havoc autism has wreaked on society.

The floor is yours!

She once again zeroes her full attention in on the camera. Hello America. For years you have all been told a hideous lie about autism. And no, not that vaccines cause it, because that's absolutely true. No, you have been told that autism is ok by a biased media that has downplayed its horror. You've been told that it makes you smart and a talented physician.

[Image: the-good-doctor.jpg]

You've been told that it makes you quirky and funny!

[Image: 2015-08-21-1440138242-5865807-bazingasheldon-thumb.jpg]

Yeah, holy fuck it really REALLY doesn't make you funny. She clears her throat. You've been told that it makes you into a lovable muppet who just wants a friend.

[Image: sesame-street-julia-autism.jpg]

You've even been told that it can make you into a genius multi-billionaire inventor/mogul.

[Image: 1183883122.jpg.0.jpg]

Love ya, boo! But you are kinda spergy!

Madison looks back at Gwyneth and folds her hands in her lap. This rouses Gwyneth from her vacant gazed wide awake nap. So what are you trying to say, Madison?

Well, I'm saying that the reality of autism is much, much worse than these examples would imply. Because the reality of autism is....

[Image: the-undertaker-tiger.png]

…..THAT!

Gwyneth busts into peals of laughter. Wow! Who's that nerd?!

That is my March Madness opponent, Mastermind.

He looks really old and farty.

I assure you he is VERY old and VERY farty. But there's even worse attributes about this guy. Namely, that he is the biggest Autist to ever Autism. He is the WORST. I mean, we got this guy, right? Been around the XWF for YEARS, stinking up the joint, cutting the dullest, lamest, most mediocre promos. But he thinks he's some psychological genius, this clever Machiavellian gaslighter despite the fact that his boring ass family and disgustingly adorable children regularly featured into his promos and his idea of a coup de grace masterstroke is making somebody a fucking t-shirt when he wins. Sounds pretty weird, pretty awkward, right?

Right.

Madison snaps her fingers. And there's the rub. This guy has honestly gone around doing this gay ass shit for ages thinking it makes him cool and being totally oblivious to what a massive goddamn joke he is. I mean, you wanna talk Rain Man levels of social obliviousness? This guy is ALL ABOUT IT. So, after years of being the butt of jokes he just recently decides to do something about it. And you would think it would have to be this major personality overhaul to dig himself out of this grave he's dug himself all this time. You would think it would have to be something groundbreaking, right?

Right!

You are the world's best sounding board, Gwyneth. She notices her hand is still on her knee from earlier, so she plucks it off and drops it. So what does this guy do? Weeeelllll, ya see there is this other group of autists called The Misfits. Same kind of awkward, generic, boring promos. Going nowhere, doing nothing of any real relevance or importance. Their manager sucked at his job so hard it was like he was getting paid to get owned on Twitter. In short, these guys couldn't get people to give a shit if they were sponsoring free cocaine fueled supermodel orgies at every house show. Just trash. Absolute trash. And they were trash for like....MONTHS. Nobody cared. People turned the dial as soon as any of these three unflushed turds stumbled down the ramp and started sniffing each others asses. THE. WORST.

Now, a person with any kind of social intelligence would know to stay far, far away from these churning vortices of suck, right? A person of sound, non-autistical thinking would realize not to touch these entertainment plague bearers with a ten foot pole, right?


RIGHT!

You're so good at this! But no!

**GASP!** What?!

No! Mastermind actually LAYS CLAIM to these assholes! He reveals to the world that he was the “mastermind” (durr hurr, get it?!) behind these goobers all along. And that we are expected to accept that this is awesome, and cool, and interesting.

Gwyneth raises her hand meekly like she's the shy kid at school.

Yes?

Okay, don't shoot the messenger, but didn't he just get voted Superstar of the Month?

Madison sighs deep and closes her eyes. Yes, Gwyneth. Yes, that happened. She opens her eyes again. But do you know WHY it happened?

I...uhh...I....

PITY!

...pity?

Yes. PITY. Because you see Gwyneth, many people just can't help but root for the loser. The underdog. The RUDY, in every situation. People also love to see somebody who sucks actually try. It's like watching a Downs Kid complete a 1K. I mean sure, it took him like 4 days and he finished it with shit caked all over his ass, but he still finished, right? But none of that negates the fact that THEY STILL SUCK. And that they will always suck. And the fact that some people send some pity pops or some pity votes their way doesn't mean they can hold a candle to the REAL talent. Talent like ME. And the longer we continue to falsely prop these awful autists up and tell them they're worth a damn, the more we are actually HURTING them in the long run. So, on that note....

Madison looks plaintively deep into the camera, mustering up as much genuineness as she can. Which is very, very little.

Mastermind, it is my moral and ethical duty to tell you that you are TERRIBLE. You still suck balls. Your heel turn, or whatever the fuck this is, is completely ineffective because the tool bags you swerved us with never had any credibility to start with. You literally just adopted a litter of inbred, deformed puppies on television and threw a party expecting us all to come and celebrate it with you. But nobody's coming because it's too sad to witness in person.

You'll probably crow about your Superstar of the Month win. Yes, please do hang your fedora on your participation trophy. You'll probably wax nostalgic about your best championship successes while ignoring the fact that your contenders were absolute slop piles of dog shit the entire time. Of course, I don't REALLY expect your neuroatypical brain to appreciate that caliber of nuance since you're the kind of guy who spells out your heel turn on your t-shirt.
Madison starts to...oh no....oh God....she's actually doing it....

[Image: giphy.gif]

She starts shaking wildly, crosses her eyes and talks in a voice that would suggest she's...erm....limited. HURRRR DUUURRRR “YOU GUYS THINK YOU KNOW ME, BUT YOU REALLY DON'T!” DUUURRRRRRR! Brought to you by the same level of advanced mental finesse that gave us calling him Antony THE JERK to let us know that he was, in fact, A JERK. Madison rolls her eyes out of her fucking skull. It's just...it's all just so...fucking..... .

So, until we have highly accurate genetic testing and the commensurate laws to allow for autistics to be turned into medical waste before the end of the first trimester, it looks like we must continue to tackle The Mastermind problem ex post facto. Madison looks at Gwyneth with a cheeky smile. So...without further adieu, the product of an EPIC partnership between Goop and New/You Enterprises! I present to you...SPERG AWAY!

The shot cuts to a bottle of what looks like literal snake oil. The brand name is plastered on it, along with a particularly unflattering picture of Mastermind.

Yes! By the power of modern science I have distilled my superhuman abilities into this miraculous tonic. Not only will it turn you white, but it will repair the faulty neurological wiring that makes you autistic!

And I suggested we add a couple crushed rose petals to each bottle to give it a lovely aroma. She smiles vacantly at the camera.

Madison looks at Gwyneth like she's about to give a weight loss award to a fat kid who gained 20 pounds. Yes, yes you did. And a fine idea it was. Madison pets Gwyneth's head, and then wipes her hand on the couch cushion. But yes, this heaven sent miracle cure can be yours for the low, low price of 32 monthly installments of $799.99. Which is a small price to pay to have actual social skills and not have a desire to make plaster cast molds of the sexual organs of My Little Pony characters.

As you can see Mastermind, the time for you and your painfully awkward ilk is almost up! I have given the world the gift of whiteness, and now I grant it the gift of not having to deal with hand flapping nitwits like you.

Suddenly, Madison descends into a coughing fit. Gwyneth instinctively scoots away from her, looking concerned. Hey Madison, you okay?

What? She finishes hacking up a lung. Yeah...yeah, I'm fine. I just caught a bit of a cold is all.

Uhhhhh....are you sure?

Madison considers her irritably. Yes, I'M SURE! It's not the fucking CORONAVIRUS, okay! She withdraws a tissue from her purse and starts dabbing a bit at her forehead, which is dotted with sweat.

I mean, you look kinda sweaty. Do you have a fever?

Fuck's sakes! Madison rises to her feet. I have had it up to HERE with this media fueled hysteria. It's just the fucking FLU, okay?! And it's just being bantered about as much as it is to make the president look bad. Madison blinks and wobbles a bit. Why is your set doing this?

...doing what?

Spinning.

Madison flops face first onto the floor. Gwyneth looks up in alarm as the Goop Lab cuts to....

[Image: DeoFXJMWkAA-mO3.jpg:large]

[Image: Dyson.png?ex=65a2219d&is=658fac9d&hm=e67...y=lossless]
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