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Prof. Bobby Bourbon · (02-21-2020)

Hey y'all. Just wanted to announce I will be hosting a charity pancake breakfast at my dojo. I know this is last minute, I have been crazy busy setting it all up. Apologies to the XWF Universe as a whole for not saying more about it, but I do hope you'll attend.

As for Tristan Slater, you're a massive turd, just not even the biggest one in Shane's septic tank. I know you cut a promo already, and it's probably as coherent as Peter Gilmour after day four of one of his famous Marsala cooking wine binges.

Because Tristan Slater really, really sucks.

I mean, targetting him was almost a career low.

Akin to attacking a three-legged dog, or a sleeping child.

Facing him in a match, head to head, is the most foregone thing in wrestling history.

No drama whatsoever.

The upside is it'll be really, really fun to watch. Me shaving off bits of Tristan Slater here and there on cage walls like he was a block of Asiago cheese, except I would trust Asiago to balance a checkbook or launder a pair of pants, really anything a functioning adult could do.

Tristan Slater is either brain damaged or just plain slow.

But, stupid as he is, he's a traitorous sumbitch and one of Shane's guys, so even if I'm putting a

down, just remember, he's a really shitty human being too.

Tristan Slater is so stupid he thinks two-percent milk is a jug that's ninety-eight percent empty.

Tristan Slater is so dumb he sniffs lottery tickets after scratching hem.

Tristan Slater is so stupid he once climbed a flight of stairs to catch an early elevator.

Tristan Slater thinks internet spoilers ruin the eggs in your refrigerator.

Tristan Slater licks windows on the inside to taste rain outside.

Tristan Slater was disappointed when he found out ribbed condoms didn't taste like ribs at all.

Tristan Slater never ate Tide pods because he couldn't figure out how to open the box.

Tristan Slater had to google what Google was.

Tristan Slater's head is so far up his own ass he can see tomorrow's breakfast.

Tristan Slater is so dumb he gives up on orange juice when it says concentrate.

Tristan Slater is so stupid he has six years worth of high school yearbooks, and the last one he was the captain of the GED club.

Tristan Slater peels M&M candies to make sure there's chocolate inside.

Tristan Slater was disappointed by blue Gatorade for not tasting like the Windex.

Tristan Slater could huff glue and raise his IQ.

The ASPCA is concerned because Tristan Slater isn't as smart as most parakeets and fear what I do to him will be considered animal abuse.

Now, Tristan, I bet you're a little salty about everything that went down last Savage.

Well, stupid ass, you told me to come to you.

I did.

Then we all watched you get wheeled out of the arena because you couldn't even move.

Tristan Slater is so stupid he wanted me to beat his ass on television.

I got a letter two days later. Not an email, not a phone call, actual paper with actual ink on it.

It was Slater's mom.

Tristan Slater's mom first said what I did was horrible, uncalled for, and dirty. She then told me it made her wetter than the bottom of a lake, to see a real man on her screen.

I'm talking major league spa-loosh. She told me she masturbated. Not just because I was bigger, stronger, in better shape, and hotter than Tristan or any of the few dozen guys who could have been Tristan's daddy, but because as opposed to Tristan I didn't have to wear velcro shoes.

Tristan Slater joined up with Shane because he got tired of Chris Page and Robert Main teasing him whenever they had to lace his boots for him.

Watch, watch, we'll try again.

Tristan!

First, place the shoes on a flat surface. Let the laces fall to either side of the shoe.

Then, tie a basic knot.

Now, make a loop with one of the laces.

Use your other hand to wrap the other lace around the loop.

Pull the shoelace through the hole to form another loop.

Hold both loops and pull them tight.

All of that is completely alien to you right now, bud, but keep practicing, and maybe one day you'll learn how to wipe your own ass.

You stupid piece of shit.

Seriously, you insist I come to you?

Who the fuck are you?

You're the footnote that turned on Page and Main, ultimately making them better. Addition by subtraction.

The only beatings you give are to your dick.

You're a second rate Peter Gilmour.

You're not even fit to sniff my farts. Fortunately, you're so stupid you're allowed to use the bathrooms that have pictures of wheelchairs on them.

Tristan Slater is so stupid he thinks a One Way is another word for jacking off. Because three ways, you know what, fuck it.

Let's not make jokes Tristan Slater wouldn't understand if you explained them to him.

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