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Boris · (02-21-2020)

Is safe to say Boris is in bit of slump, comrades.

Losing to Puzz, is no big deal. He is Champion of Xtreme, and legend in business, so is no problem. Lot of people lose to him.

But last week was embarrassing blin. Not only was Boris sick, but I did not fight good fight. I can accept losing blin, but I can not accept looking like debil.

This bad luck comes at bad time, too. Is the beginning of the Mad March Tournament, and your old pal Boris has a tough match in first round. I have to fight Mason Dyson, a member of the Schutzstaffel and friend of Shane Carving and the Engineer. Needless to say, Boris needs a little help.

Luckily, the Saturday Sausage is being held in the Newest Jersey, and Boris knows friend there. So I fly to Newark, the worst airport I have ever been to blin, and rent Volkswagen from local rent shop because the cyka debils do not have Lada! I mean, what kind of shop rents cars and does not have Lada? Pathetic.

As I drive to my destination with Lada full of Boris and vodka, I can only think of the Mad March Tournament. Winner becomes tzar of Federation of Xtreme Wrestlers! This is incredible opportunity for Boris, and I must take it very seriously. For next two weeks, I must be in best shape. No morning drinking for Boris! At least, not on days when I must train.

I arrive at meeting place of good friend - man who lead Boris to victory!

Centurion: This is going to suck.

Yes, good friend Centurion has agreed to let Boris stay with him for few days while I learn about opponent and tournament and whatnot. He will train me to be huge superstar - one that rises to the top of Federation of Xtreme Wrestlers as their Universe Champion!

Centurion: Don't bet on it.

Ok, maybe get Boris past first round, then we see what we can do.

Listening to Centurion talk about wrestling is like listening to Andreas Žampa talk about ski jumping. He has forgotten more about wrestling than I've ever known about mayonez. And he has given Boris some really good advise blin.

Centurion: Don't fuck this up.

Good friend Centurion has agreed to help ole Boris because he does not like Mason Dyson. He said something about her being a sunken Nazi ditch.

Centurion: Fuckin' Nazi bitch.

That's what it was.

So Boris has had to do lots of training - watching tape, lifting weights, eating chicken produce. I was told to stay running - but what do I look like, track star? Just because I wear track suit? Borsha, there will be no running! I survive on Slav strength!

Watching tape of Mason Dyson, I notice two thing blin. One is she does not wrestle much. She talk big game, but she does not fight. She has other people fight for her blyat! Boris would never let other people fight my battles.

The other thing I noticed...is she should be wearing mask, not Boris! She is uglier than American mayonez blin! We Slavs, we see lots of scary stuff, but I have never seen a face as scary as Mason Dyson's. And that hair, oh borsha, it look like something that grow alongside Slav highway. Perhaps this is strength of Dyson. You get so distracted by how ugly she is that she kicks you straight in the cheeki breekis and you wind up on floor in pain.

You know, Boris is handsome man. I keep my face covered because I like to stay humble, but if I didn't, lady gopniks would be throwing themselves at me. So I do not know what is like to have ugly face like Mason Dyson. Maybe that is why she hate so many people blin? Is just theory.

Centurion: You can't rely on just power. You're going to be stronger than Madison, but you're also going to have to outsmart her...

Centurion make good point. Many wrestlers are stronger than Dyson, and yet she still wins matches blin. Is not all about strength. I must use cunning. I must be like KGB - hidden in shadows, ready to strike at moment notice!

Centurion: ...nevermind.

Have a little faith in me, cyka blyat!

There are two people in match. One is comedy character, and the other is Boris. I know Mason will say all the usual shock value stuff. She will raise hand and yell "Twig Hall" and everything that makes a Nazi exist. Boris is not stupid.

Centurion: Well...

Do not interrupt Boris when he is giving monologue! I do not interrupt you when you talk to camera for 30 minutes and all your words are green!

Centurion: What?

Mason Dyson has one big problem, though - she is Nazi facing a Slav. And this is not like regular Boris promo where I say "oh, Slav is best"...even though is true. Nu, there is reason why Mason being Nazi and me being Slav is bad for her.

Is because of big war blin. Nazis never beat Slavs! They try, but they never succeed. They killed about twenty million of us, but who still has country and who has their symbols banned in German schools blin?!

Boris is no fool. I know Mason Dyson will try to cheat. She will use weapon and friends and all that blyat. But if there is one thing babushka always taught me, it was that cheaters win sometimes, but sometimes they do not.

...ok, maybe that is not as inspiring as I thought.

Centurion: You need to cut back on the drinking.

What are you, fascist? Boris already promised not to drink in mornings of work out session. That is all you get from Boris! If I gave up any more, I would no longer be Boris. Also, I believe I may have died about ten years ago, and vodka is keeping my heart pumping.

Besides, who is Western spy to tell Boris not to drink blin? States of United America has biggest population of alcoholics in world. They make fun of Russians, Irish, Germans, but it is Americans who drink too much and beat their wives. There is no domestic violence in Slovakia blin!

Mainly because, if you hit Slav woman, her Gopnik brother will turn you into dog food.

Boris gets his strength from vodka and mayonez. These are not bad things that slow me down. These are fuel for Slav superstar! You debils would know that if you pay attention to more than just Jersey Shore.

Centurion: And you're going to need to focus.

Aye, focus is my middle name!

Centurion: What's your last name?

Not important blin! Point is, Boris is ready. The Nazi will be slain, and the Slav Superstar will be on the path to become Tzar of XWF!

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