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Lacklan · (01-26-2020)

Planet of the Cunts, Part I

Sunday
January 26, 2020

Sarah Grey-Lacklan sits on the floor, her knees pulled into her body, her face down. Her body aches, her joints feel aflame, parts of her scalp are bare from hair having been ripped out, and her throat is filled with bile. But none of the physical pains can match the gaping hole in her soul.

“...its okay, Babe…”

The alto voice of the caramel-skinned woman next to her, regardless of how honeyed the tone may be, does nothing to fill her soul’s heart.

“...we win as a team-”

She didn’t want to hear it.

“-we lose as a team…”

No, SHE was the one that lost. SHE was the one who couldn’t get her mind off unimportant matters.

“...and I love you no matter WHAT IN TOM CRUISE!”

Sarah snaps her head up off her knees as the room rumbles. Kenzi, still dressed in her “PPV Gear” of gold, falls to her side, as she herself is pushed to hers. In the center of the makeshift lockeroom in the Australian desert, a bright white and blue sphere of light bursts into life, tendrils of lightening shooting off in all directions.

“BELOVED!”

Sarah pushes herself up off her side and scoops up Kenzi, putting her body between her wife and the sphere. She wasn’t able to save their titles, she failed her but an hour ago, but she would be DAMNED if something happened to her now. The sound of crackles and pops fill the room, and Sarah can feel her hair, still in its tight braid from the match before, rising up into the air upon the static electricity.

BOOM!

Sarah’s body is pressed hard into Kenzi’s, the two crying out an “OOF!” of pain, and the room falls into silence. Sarah breathes hard with her eyes shut, not daring to open them and see what had happened, and she can feel Kenzi breathing just as hard underneath her.

“Get a room, you two. ‘Tis REALLY disturbin'.”

Sarah’s eyes pop open wide at the voice behind and above her. An accent she well recognized in a voice that tickled her brain. She looks down at Kenzi, whose chocolate eyes are full of concern, and Sarah pushes herself up to a sitting position. She turns her head slowly, afraid of what she might find, but then her face brightens.

“Aaron?!”

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Standing in the middle of the room was a young man, lithe of build, with the same shock-white hair as the albino Sarah and bright blue eyes. Those eyes were haggard, as if the youth had seen far more than a man his age should, but his stood with strength and broad shoulders.

“‘ello, Aunties.”

Sarah pushes herself to her feet. She holds out her hand for Kenzi, but her wife simply stares at the man before her with wide eyes.

“The...FUCK...is THIS?!”

“Beloved, I can explain. You see-”

“Is this magic? Because fuck THAT shit!”

“Kenzi-”

“Nuh uh! Black people don’t DO magic, Sar!”

“Damnit, Wife! Listen!”

Kenzi’s head snaps towards and her eyes fill with rage. Sarah was going to pay for calling her “Wife,” as they both well knew, but the undesirable shorthand was necessary.

“This is Aaron. He’s...well…”

Sarah reaches down, grabs Kenzi by the arm, and pulls her to her feet with a grunt. She holds her by the shoulders for a moment, red eyes staring into dark, before turning them both to look at the man.

“He’s our grandnephew.”

Kenzi blinks several times.

“wut”

“We’ll explain in a secon’, Auntie. We 'ave to go! Now!”

“Again? Are the Luxbots back? I thought we beat them before.”

“Ya did! But now somethin’ ELSE ‘as happened.”

“Hold up.”

Sarah and Aaron turn to face Kenzi, whose eyes are shut and has now held up a finger.

“...grandnephew?”

Sarah nods enthusiastically.

“Yes! He’s Angelica’s grandson!”

Aaron’s face breaks out into a smile.

“Oh! So Grandmah 'as told ya that she’s yer sistah by now!”

“Yep!”

“Wicked! I bet Ron was 'appy ta finally have that ovah and done wit'.”

Sarah shakes her head.

“I wish. Dude STILL cried about shit. In fact-”

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Aaron’s face snaps down to his wrist, where a small device blinks rapidly.

“Damnit! We’re outta time. We 'ave ta go, Aunties.”

Kenzi opens her eyes but immediately blinks several times again.

“...where are we going?”

Both Aaron and Sarah give identical smiles.

“Back-"

"-to the future!”

Sarah takes Kenzi’s hand, squeezes it hard, and then takes Aaron’s.

* * * * * * * * * *

LIGHT

LIGHT

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LIGHT

LIGHT

* * * * * * * * * *

The bright light of the rip through time lowers to a sky of soft sunshine. Sarah’s skin tingles, as if she had bathed in a tub of nettles, and her heart thumps in her chest hard enough to make her wonder if her wrestling gear will be able to contain her flesh. She looks around, expecting the war-torn landscape she had seen before, but instead is greeted by a city with clean streets. Men and women walked down the sidewalk in an orderly fashion, cars followed the rules of the road with gentle ease, and pigeons chirped above from rooftops.

“I don’t understand, Aaron. What’s wr-”

“WHAT”

“THE”

“FUCK”

Sarah turns to Kenzi, whose eyes are wide enough to take up half of her face, as she shakes her head, sending her braids, fallen from their bun, to whip around her head with tiny snaps in the air. Kenzi's arms start moving in sweeping motions, taking in the city around them, a movement unconsciously picked up from Sarah herself.

"What IS all of this?! What the HELL is going on?!"

Sarah holds up her hands in the attempt of softness.

"Beloved...please...you've been here before. WE have. Just looked...different...last time."

Kenzi again shakes her head wildly.

"Ah HELL naw! I would have remembered-"

She waves her arms at the spot where the giant orb of lightening had just been.

"-THAT!"

Sarah shrugs her shoulders.

"You fell asleep, actually."

Kenzi blinks several times, and her mouth opens and closes without making a sound, until her eyes open wide with understanding. And fear.

"I thought that was a dream."

Sarah shakes her head as she walks over to Kenzi.

“No less than you and Roxy being turned into babies.”

Kenzi shakes her head as Sarah takes her hand.

“Damn...fuck ME in the goat ass…”

Sarah giggles...always an odd sound coming from someone so well known for violent outbursts...and pulls Kenzi close so that they can press their foreheads together.

“In my dreams!”

“Ew! Buttstuff is YOUR thing!”

Kenzi pushes Sarah away roughly. She ignores Sarah sticking her tongue out at her and looks at Aaron with a critical eye.

“So...you’re my grandnephew, huh?”

The Lacklanlander nods.

“Did Sar and I have any kids?”

Aaron shoots a quick look at Sarah, his eyes full of sudden sadness, and then back to Kenzi.

“...naw.”

Kenzi sighs out in relief.

“Thank God. Hate stupid kids.”

She then ignores Sarah’s scowl before looking out at the city. She walks forward and stands next to Aaron, her shoulder only coming up to his shoulder.

“So...what happened? Pretend that I don’t know a thing...since I don’t…”

Aaron’s eyes follow Sarah as she joins them, then he turns to the street.

“Ya two saved tha world. Tha Grey-Lacklans, mostly due ta yer Gayla Foundation, were tha reason for peace and 'armony in tha world. Yer music ended wars. Yer movies inspired generations. Yer wrestling became tha centerpiece for world economics.”

“So...what...we were Bill and Ted?”

Aaron gives her a nod.

“Which one was-”

“You were Bill!”

“FUCK!”

Sarah beams in smug glory as Kenzi stomps her foot into the ground in shameful defeat. The caramel starlet waves her hands for Aaron to continue.

“But an ankle-bitah named Corey became despondent with how badly Auntie Sarah embarrassed 'im in front of tha world. He joined with another person Auntie made look right gawmy, Game Girl, and togethah they engineered the Luxbots. They...they killed Auntie Sarah.”

Kenzi shoots a look of concern at her wife, but Sarah’s face is a big smile.

“But that’s where I came intah play. In my time...fah into yer future...I realized what happen'd. I went back in time and stopped tha Luxbot. Ovah and again, tha Luxbot and I battl'd, until tha FINAL time.”

“That was me!”

“Ayuh. We went back to tha very beginnin'...to when Auntie Sarah was a teen...and stopped Corey’s Luxbots fah good.”

Kenzi nods her head, the unclear images of a forgotten dream refusing to become any more clear.

“Then what?”

Aaron waves towards a large building opposite them.

“Unintended consequences.”

Kenzi and Sarah raise their eyes and see something that makes their breath catch and their hearts stop:

The Sick Cunts School of Tag Team Wrestling

“The fuck?!”

“It can’t be!”

Aaron nods his head.

“In tha original timeline, Corey eventually realized 'is mistake and 'elped us destroy 'is creation. But in tha NEW timeline, he never realized tha error of 'is ways. Instead, he became even MORE pathetic as he lived alone in 'is small hut on Crybaby Lake in what used to be Hollywood Hills.”

“...what lake?”

“Crybaby Lake. After ya beat Corey fah tha Universal Championship-”

“I did?!”

“-I’ll get theah...but aftah ya beat 'im for tha only thing that evah gave 'im any validation, his lover, Daddy Shane, cried SO much that tha pool in yer house-”

“Love our pool.”

“-became so flooded ovah that it turned into a massive lake! It flooded all ah Los Angeles. Shane died...he couldn’t handle tha shame of being so completely wrong about ya two...an' Corey has lived alone on 'is boat in tha middle of tha lake ever since. But he realized that, if he worked hard, there was a moment where he could change the timeline.”

He turns to Sarah.

“Cuntfest.”

Sarah looks confused as she looks at Kenzi.

“But...we were just there. I didn’t fight Corey...we fought-”

“Tha Sick Cunts, ayuh, but what happen'd BEFORE yer match?”

Sarah thinks for a moment.

“I got into a fight with Corey. At catering. He said something stupid and I went OFF on him about how fucking stupid his entire bit is. Like, it was BAD. See, everyone seems to be afraid to call him out on how fucking DUMB his entire existence is, right? About how he brought in the Engineer as a last-ditch effort to beat me at March Madness because everyone thought he was a boring dumbshit by himself...and that failed...and then he killed him off in an equally fucked-up bid to beat Main for the title...and THAT failed...and how he brought him in AGAIN because everyone was ready to laugh in his fucking face over winning the title against a guy who didn't bother to promote the match. But everyone is afraid for some reason! Like they think they’re going to lose their jobs if the call out the champ on dumb shit. But not ME! I don’t give a FUCK if I keep my job or not, there is no WAY I am gushing over his stupid nonsense, ya know? ‘Don’t Sell Stupid Shit,’ as I like to say. Anyway, so I went OFF on the dude and-”

“Got distracted.”

Sarah nods as Aaron interjects, and then gives Kenzi a look filled with guilt.

“Yeah. Corey got in my head. And when he came out during our match...that insane fucking deathdome thing...I looked at him...and got rolled up from behind and lost us our tag titles.”

Aaron nods.

“That wasn’t Corey. That was tha Lux Mark Sixteen.”

Sarah’s eyes go wide as she whirls on Aaron.

“What?!”

He nods again.

“After that match...just hours ago fer ya right now...ya and Auntie Kenzi stopped wrestling as a tag team, instead choosing ta focus on ‘tha Engineer’ fah revenge. Tha Engineer, not suspecting what was happenin', had tha floor WHIPPED with him by ya at March Madness...fer tha second yeah in a row...while Kenzi worked to keep all of 'is goons at bay. And thus began yer decade-long reign as a Double World Champion.”

Sarah’s face scrunches in thought again.

“I like the sound of that.”

Aaron shakes his head.

“Nah! That’s tha problem! It never worked out fer Corey...'is plan failed and he stayed pathetic and still lives on Crybaby Lake...but a TERRIBLE thing happen'd! Ya stayed tha Double World Champ…”

He points at Kenzi.

“...ya became tha highest paid actress in America…”

Kenzi smiles at that.

“...and THEY-”

He points to the building across the street.

“-redefine tag team wrestlin'.”

Kenzi and Sarah’s face turn from curious to horror.

“From tha moment they defeated ya at Cuntfest, EVERY tag team modeled themselves after them! This wrestling school? Its just one of ten THOUSAND! There ah, by law, at LEAST five in every city!”

“Well...Aaron...Nephew...its not like they are the WORST wrestlers. They-”

She cuts off as Aaron again shakes his head with great speed.

“Ya don’t understand. Once they beat ya? They abandoned EVERYTHING that was good about them! All that was BAD about them came to tha forefront and became tha tenants fah what all tag team wrestling would be based on fah all time! 'ere, look…”

Aaron reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small device. A few button presses later, and a projection leaps out and the trio is met by the image of a man in a doctor’s smock, including with a stethoscope around his neck, standing in a hospital room.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, do YOU want to learn now to be a GREAT tag team? Look no further than…

The Sick Cunts School of Tag Team Wrestling!

For the LOW price of $69 a day (get it?!), YOU can learn the SECRET TECHNIQUES of Noah and Fuzz to help you attain tag team greatness! Learn techniques like:

- Stealing someone’s bit because you can’t do anything original of your own!

- Using the same word over and over because you can’t fill out the promotional video maximum!

- Crafting personal development that is great at impressing your bosses but conveniently never actually affects you in the ring OR needs to continue after the match!

- Doing parodies the LAZY way of including your coworkers in the roles of a movie but then NOT doing something witty or difficult like including THEIR personality traits or phrases! Just using them as recognizable faces in otherwise vanilla dialogue!

- Making up shitty excuses like “um...I lost on purpose?” when you get beat clean!

- Reporting accounts like a weak bitch because you got caught up in your feels!

- Cry about fake brackets like it would make any difference! Still would have lost in the finals!

- Make up random lies because you didn’t actually research your opponent and need to say SOMETHING to make the boys jerk off over how “edgy” you are in this one!

- Make shitty photos in MS Paint to cover up how rarely you have good content!

- Win matches by doing dumb shit like paying ME to cut the most significant part of your promotional video! Big D has NOOOOOOOO BAAAAAALLSSSSSSSSSS!

Enroll TODAY and receive the Vita Special AT NO CHARGE! Learn how to:

- Be a pussy bitch that can’t get over going 0-3 and instead has to pander to the pathetic shits living in their mom’s basement with a fake championship!

But wait...there’s MORE! Pay for a full year of courses and get the NEWEST class:

- Wait until your opponent cuts THEIR promotional video so that you can then watch it and directly respond to it in a way that THEY can’t because otherwise you would NEVER have been able to come up with ANYTHING!

And so much more!”

Sarah’s face turns bright red as the advertisement comes to an end.

“I HATE that last one!”

“Babe, you have really got to let that go.”

“I can't!”

“Of all the shitty things the Sick Cunts do, that’s just meh.”

“ITS A PET PEEVE, ALRIGHT!”

Kenzi shakes her head and does a fair imitation of Sarah’s infamous Eyerolls of Doom. Sarah turns away from her and takes in Aaron.

“So...what...THIS is the future of tag team wrestling?”

He nods his head and his shoulders slump with a great weight.

“Ayuh. Instead of people looking at tha 5’2” Mafia as tha heroes of team wrestling, they looked elsewhere. Once ya began yer domination of Corey...ya beat tha Engineer seven PPVs in a row...you two forgot all about tha tag team scene. It didn’t happen overnight, or anythin', but it did happen. Ya two stood for excellence! Ya did everythin' togethah, trained togethah, lived togethah. Ya worked on timin', on tandem offense, on how to covah for one anothah. You showed exactly WHY ya were able to stomp on everyone through tha tag team tournament on yer way to winnin' tha championship. Ya showed WHY ya defeated team after team!

“But they just taught people how to do ‘bits,’ as it were. They taught people how ta win without honor, only carin' about the ‘W’ even if its through really shitty and underhanded tactics. The Utopian world ya two created? They killed it.”

He pauses as the three take in the streets before them.

“I know that it looks nice. But there is darkness here, Aunties. As successful as ya two became, it caused the world to fall into ruin. Ya just have to look a little deepah.”

“We need to fix this.”

Kenzi’s voice is strong as she takes Sarah’s hand.

“Lets look at this ‘darkness’ and see what happened to everyone, okay? Lets see if we can find something NOW that will help us THEN.”

Sarah clutches Kenzi’s hand, nods at Aaron, and the Grey-Lacklans step onto the street.

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