Tails

---

It feels good be back in Straya.

The immense heat, the cracked sand that's almost glass and who can forget the large smoke clouds in the distance. Feels like home, cunt. I'm walking up to the area where we're setting up for Cunt-Fest; Fuzz is wearing a hard hat supervising the workers getting shit done. Blokes in hi-vis are moving barricades around, setting up the main stage and even digging a pool, fair ripper all in all; mad to think it's actually happening. I walk beside dad with a plastic bag in hand and take out the contents as I get to him.

"S'garn, cunt."

Fuzz glances at me and places an arm on my shoulder, he scans his palm over the surrounding area.

FUZZ: "See all this? This is ours, man. This is our fucking moment."

I give a smile and a nod.

"Right on." I hand dad his lunch. "Got you a meat pasty."

Fuzz stares down at the greasy wrapper against his chest and slowly grabs it, releasing his hand from my shoulder he peeks inside as I grab mine and munch down happily.

FUZZ: "Thanks?"

"No wuckas, got us a couple Golden Gaytimes an all."

He raises an eyebrow at me as I chew looking over at the worker ants. Dad looks at his pasty like he's seeing fire for the first time and takes a reluctant bite. He chews breifely before nodding his head to the side and continuing. He taps my chest.

FUZZ: "Oh, some cunt planning permission guy says we need to have a sign placed near the entrance saying no drugs or littering."

"... Okay?"

FUZZ: "One of us needs to do it, it's not in these guys contract apparently."

"Lazy cunts."

FUZZ: "Not arguing that."

Fuzz just keeps looking at me, I finish off my pasty before it clicks.

"I'm not fucking doin' it!"

FUZZ: "Well I'm not either! I'm your father, aren't you supposed to do as your told or some shit?"

"You can pull that shit when we get on Maury but for now, you can fuck off."

Fuzz sighs and digs into his pocket, pulling out a coin.

FUZZ: "Right, heads I go, tails you go."

"Fine, cunt."

Fuzz tosses the coin high into the air and catches it in his palm before slapping it back down on the back of his hand.

FUZZ: "Tails. Off you fuck."

I huff taking my ice cream out of the bag and removing the wrapper.

"Fiiiine. See you in a bit."

Fuzz gives a wave bye as he turns back to survey the area and enjoy his lunch. I grab the wooden sign from a small pile of bullshit and follow the flags to where the entrance should be. It's a fair jog, sweat drips from my brow as the site of the pay-per-view grows smaller and smaller behind me, get a cunt of an ice cream headache trying to lap up my Golden Gaytime before the cunt melts away. The sign over my shoulder, I toss the wooden stick away and run my fingers down the wire guiding me. Thinking about this past year is a fair trip, it's been fucking mental. Probably the sickest year of my life, I came in a sick cunt with no one and I found my dad (hopefully), got a sick girlfriend, I won a fucking title AND I got to second base.

If you look at some of the cunts that joined XWF, Lacklan for instance, the cunt came in on fire and has slowly died down as time's gone past. She's burned out because she's dick all, meanwhile, I'm just going and going, getting better and better and not a single soul can say otherwise. Some lame cunts thought me calling myself the hardest worker in the XWF was just some cunt joke but look at me now! Back to back defences, two matches at a pay-per-view I'm co-running.

I am truly a top cunt.

And fuck anyone who disagrees.

As the wire in between my fingertips comes to an end I look around the barren desert and think how much of a cunt it'll be for people to drive up here... Should really have a car park. Oh well. I take the sign from my shoulder and plant it into the earth, should have really brought a hammer as when I'm sticking the cunt in it keeps leaning to the right. I keep a hand on the sign itself and think for a moment; I look down and see my TV title gleaming back at me. What? I wear the cunt everywhere, looks sick as fuck. I gingerly remove the strap with my spare hand and hover the plate over the peg. I kinda weigh if this is a good idea or not before gently hitting the metal against the post and getting it somewhat deeper into the ground. No damage to the belt done and the sign secure I step back with title in hand and admire my handiwork. I nod to myself before heading back but a tug stops me in place as a dingo has a hold of the leather of the TV title in between its jaws. I narrow my eyes at the dickhead and try and kick it.

"Fuck off you little mongrel."

I throw my foot forward but the cunt scurries back. I grab my title with both hands and end up in a tug of war of sorts as the prick wants to fucking play all of a sudden. I snarl as I use my strength to take the title away, dragging the dingo forward. As it gets closer I swipe at its nose to make it run but the clever little cunt uses this to twist his head and steal my title from my grasp and bolts into the desert. I stand there pretty awestruck for a moment thinking one, did I just get outsmarted by a fucking dingo? And two a fucking dingo stole my title!

"Oi cunt!"

I go into a full sprint after the four-legged fuckwit as it heads over a dune. I surprise myself that I actually gain on the cunt as it struggles up the loose sand, the title hanging from his jaw. As I get closer I try to reason with the creature.

"It's just leather, cunt! There's no meat! No meat!!"

It pants heavily reaching the top as I'm mere inches off its tail. I dive as it begins to go down the dune and manage to get its hind legs, it lets out a yelp and drops my belt and scurries off in an opposite direction. The TV title begins to slowly slide down the dune and I slide on my belly like a sweaty, Australian penguin wildly trying to grab it. About halfway down, my fingers land on the strap and I pull it back, cradling the title close to my chest as I go into a backwards roll down the dune before softly hitting the ground. I spit some sand from my mouth and wipe my face, looking down at my title with a big ol' grin. I sit up and see the sickest sight I've ever seen.

In the desert, small patches of grass have sprouted out of the cracked earth and a group of kangaroos grazes. I just sit there and watch with my mouth agape, this is the first time I've seen a roo up close... A lot of people find that odd but we're not all stereotypes, cunt. I throw my belt over me shoulder and get to my feet taking a few steps closer to get a better look. Wish I had a VB... I'd be shit at nature doccos, couldn't tell the difference between lads and Sheilas, I know those are Joeys, the little ones. They're sick as fuck them. Look at how they just chill in those pouches, that's fucking adorable.

This is kinda getting me all choked up to be honest, I'm reminiscing about how far I've come and these are the first fucking roos I have ever seen with my own two eyes! And the cunts are like 40 feet away! It's enough to make me rethink shit, why do I always have to be an angry little prick? Why do I have to pick fights and call out people? My country is on fire and these lot are just hanging round munching on grass. They don't know they're dying by the dozens, they couldn't care less. They're just happy being here, right now. Why can't I think like that? Just chill, just have that time to myself to just enjoy being in the moment... Why do I have focus on who I'm going to fight next and how I can insult them?

I let out a deep sigh and stare out...

This is around the time a roo punches me in the side of the head.

"Ow, cunt! Right in the fucking ear!"

That's smarts. I reel back rubbing my ear better as this cunt of a roo wants to throw hands, stepping up like he's fucking Marsupial Ali. Told you cunts roos were fighters. The prick balances on its tail and tries to Bruce Lee me with its clown feet; I take a good fucking step out of the away and bop the prick on the nose.

This fucking cunt no-sells it.

It lowers its fucking arms and just glares at me. I'm half-expecting it to do a Hogan point. I back away pretty slowly and notice a gaggle of the gormless cunts hopping towards me, it's like Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds but with giant rats and more cooked.

Seeing that I'm outnumbered I fucking peg it, I get the fuck out of there as quick as I can and just far away towards a bunch of rocks in the distance, hoping I can slide my body into a crevice to keep me safe. I look behind me as I run, these cunts, honest to god, are doing the Jason Vorhees walk after me. They're slower but somehow fucking gaining.

What the fuck!?

I turn my head back around, panting all the while and get to the large boulders and squeeze tightly in between two of them and hide in the shade behind. Not my most dignified moment but at least it's nice and cool. I hear padded feet hop closer to me; a lot of them. They inspect the area with loud sniffs, getting way to close for comfort. I feel like that little cunt in Jurassic Park hiding from the raptors. My breathing goes steady as I hear them slowly move away; I breathe a sigh of relief and lay my heads on the cold earth, closing my eyes for a moment of rest.

I'm gonna kill Fuzz.

My phone vibrates in my pocket and I angle my arm awkwardly to remove it from my shorts and place it to my ear.

"G'day?"

I say all calmly like I wasn't almost gutted by kangaroos.

VV: "Hey! Where are you? I just got to the site, gotta say it's looking pretty sick."

"Funny story about that actually. Dad asked me to plant a sign which I did and then a dingo stole my title, I got it back though. Then I saw some roos which was very sick until one of the cunts sucker-punched me and now I'm hiding behind a big rock until the coast is clear."

Silence on the other end.

VV: "... You're with that Atara bitch aren't you?"

My eyes widen as I look at the phone screen like it owes me money.

"The fuck? No! Didn't you just listen to me?"

VV: "C'mon Noah! Do you really think I'm stupid enough to believe a made-up story like that!?"

"Babe, it's what happened, bloody oath!"

VV: "Heh. And after how you acted with me over Socio, this is just typical."

I sigh.

"V, please, it's the truth."

VV: "Whatever, bye."

She hangs up...

'Whatever, bye' has to be the worst two words a woman can ever say to you. I place the screen against my chest and look up at the slither of blue sky I see between the rocks. My phone buzzes again and I answer quickly.

"V?"

FUZZ: "You dog."

My body drops a little.

"I'm not with Atara, I'm hiding in-between two massive boulders."

FUZZ: "Those are called breasts, Noah. I thought you were too old for the sex talk?"

"Fuck off. This is your fault, y'know?"

FUZZ: "I have been known to be a pretty good wingman."

I grit my teeth.

"Seriously, cunt, I'm stuck in the desert. I may die!"

FUZZ: "Huh-uh, well while you're stuck cut a promo and maybe get out the ear-shot of Atara."

"Really? Your son is going to die in the desert and you tell him to cut a promo?"

FUZZ: "It's all go at the moment, kid. We need to get a headstart on everything. See you when you get back."

And then that cunt hangs up...

Fuck me...

I get a little restless pretty quick and maneuver myself to peek out. No roos in sight but I can't risk it yet... Fuck might have to wait til night... FUCK! I kick at the boulder in frustration and a small amount of rubble pats down next to me. I go very still.

Very still.

Thankfully, I'm not crushed to death although right now that may have been a blessing. I very gingerly lay back down and try and get comfortable. Quickly very, very bored I turn the camera on my phone and face it to me, I breathe a deep sigh and hit record.

"If you find this that means I'm either dead crushed by rocks or raped to death by over-sized, mouse-eared cunts that should have all died in a fire."

"If dead, all my belonging should be buried with me, even my cat Ned Kelly. I wanna go out like a Pharoah, cunts."

"If I am alive, somehow, and you're seeing this then ignore the first part and consider this a promo on Atara Themis."

"I assume some people are wondering why I chose Atara. Say Noah, you a big perv? Noah, cunt, you looking for an easy win? Hey, Noah, how much can you benchpress? Well, the answer to all those questions is, fuck off you nosey cunt. I picked Atara because I'm looking at the number of shit cunts on the roster at the minute and it seems to be the same gaggle of boring cunts zombie-walking towards the gold around my waist. Atara is at least interesting, she came in here and although she hans't proved a lot at least the cunt is fucking different. The cunt genuinely believes in herself."

"It isn't the same shit you see where it's forced ego or the type of cunt who has to be a wrestler because it's just their job. Themis wants to be in the spotlight and good for her! She knows what she's about and she goes all-out in her own special way."

"This is why it's important that I slap the cunt down the totem pole."

"As Television Champion and the hardest worker in the XWF I've made it my goal to be a gatekeeper of sorts; I'm here to stop plucky little brats from getting inflated heads. A lot of people say, oh the TV Title is like the fourth rated title. These salty cunts don't realise that would make me the fourth-best in the company from an audience viewpoint. They put down a title because they can't achieve it, which is fucking moronic. I'm the sickest cunt with the sickest gold and I'm here to put people back in their place or make them fucking leave this company."

"This is my job now."

"I pick the cunts who get too big for their boots and slap their shit down, I make them remember they are fucking nothing compared to me and how fucking dare you have the audacity to even think for a second that you deserve better? Who the fuck are you? I've been here for a while."

"Atara is on the cusp of getting that shit cunt mentality, she throws herself in with the likes of TK and Drezdin to garner some attention. She used her looks to get noticed by the Uni champ. She's the cunt that peaked in high school by winning prom queen and only knows one way to get by. Too bad I'm not accepting blowjobs for an easy A, cunt. If I was I'd know I'd catch Big D putting on lipstick in the front of the queue."

"Heh."

"Atara is just another cunt, she usually fucks up and plays the ditzy chick all the while making sure her Instagram is on fleek. She is the type of low effort, bare minimum cunt I want to get rid off. Going around doing anything except her fucking job. She lost to Jessalyn Hart for fuck's sake! Who the fuck loses to that waste bin!?"

"Themis, I don't care about how you look. You are just another cunt to me and nothing else."

"I couldn't give a single shit about you."

"The only thing I care about is that I want you to try for once and not make me look like a paper champ."

"..."

"And with that out the way... If I am dead and this last will seemed really odd to you I just wanted to leave it with a few more things."

"Fuzz, if you're not really my dad, I'm happy I could spend time with you either way. You're sick as fuck, mate... And if I am your kid... I hope I made you somewhat proud."

"Vita... I'm sorry if I ever messed up and wasn't good enough. I love you."

"..."

"I'm happy I saw kangaroos."

I hit the stop button on my phone and notice the 1% in the top corner.

I bring the phone close to my chest and close my eyes.

...

Fuck me.

FORMER:



W | L | D
226 | 11 | 81

Star of the Month (August 2019)
1/3 Star of the Month (January 2020) with Fuzz and our Subaru
RP of the Month (November 2019) with Big Disappointment