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Boris · (01-15-2020)

Have you ever fallen into barbed wire, comrades?

I have, and let me tell you - is not fun. Sharp points go into the favorite parts of your body blin. And it ruin perfectly good track suit.

But that is what I am willing to do. If Boris must be thrown into razor wire, then cyka, it will be done. Aye, a few scars and a little near decapitation isn't going to stop a Slav!

Blyat, but cardio might.

Not only does Boris have a match on Thursday Archer, but I will also be competing at the Festival of Cunts in some sort of Russian overkill deathmatch involving pointy things and explosions. I assume this is because bookers still think I am from Russia, but is ok. I have been to Russia enough times to know how to survive old Soviet torture methods.

Still, it has been awhile since old Boris had to fight in such conditions, so I went somewhere I knew I could become prepared.

Norilsk.

For those of you who do not know - which is all of you - Norilsk is known as an exporter of two things - Nickel and depression. I do not know if is worst city in world, but if one exists, I have not been there blin. Boris saw happier, friendlier faces in West Virginia.

Cousin Antoli and I have been calling the Kopūstėliai Rocket Base our home for few days now. No one has cared, seeing as it has not had rockets, nor has it been a base, in nearly thirty years.

Aye, there is nothing that prepares a Gopnik for battle more than surviving the harsh Siberian winter, living off of MRE's and canned goods, not an ounch of Babushka's jam in sight.

"Cousin, toss another log on the fire blin. The meat tubes are getting cold."

Ok, so this has become less "trying to survive" and more "camping trip with family", but is still difficult blin! Have you ever had sausage and meat tubes over fire? Yes, is delicious, but is also lot of work. And when temperature is -18 degrees - or, -1 for you Americans who use the weird Farenheit system - it take longer to cook blin.

Also, try teaching that debil how to stir beans without burning bottom. You ever eat burnt beans? Blyating disgusting!

"Have you ever been to Australia, cousin?"

Antoli shakes his head. Of course he hasn't. Poor debil has barely ever left the apartment. Boris has also never been to Australia, but I have heard wonderful things - warm beaches, pretty women, kangaroos, spiders that will eat your face - all the things a Gopnik would love.

Australia also has some not so wonderful things, like fires and racism. My heart breaks for my comrades in Australia. Slavs never have to worry about brush fires or forest fires, because we do not have brush...or forests. If there is fire, it is because neighbor Vadim tries to cook chebreki with napalm.

This is why Boris is happy the Festival of Cunts is in Australia. Not only do I get to see a new land blin, but I also get to put smiles on the faces of struggling Gopniks living there. And because Boris is used to living in cities with terrible air quality, I do not have to worry about breathing in something that will kill me. Borsha, if I was going to die by breathing in something bad, it would have happened by now.

I take a deep breath, breathing in the bitter Siberian air. How cold does it get in Boston blin? Does it get cold enough to hang bear meat without refrigetator? Because Antoli and I are hanging bear meat without refrigerator. How many days of sunshine has Boston had this month? You know how many days of sunshine there have been in Norlisk? None. Is cold and dark every single day. That is what Boris is training in.

This is not some character blin. This is real life. Federation of Xtreme Wrestlers have champions that are vampires and zombies, but how many Slavs blin? There millions of us. Millions of Gopniks squatting in track suits that have no hero. This is what Boris fights for blin. To become the Slav superstar we deserve.

As Antoli grabs more wood to throw on fire, I lay back in my padded, heated cot...

...Boris needs something to keep his back straight. I can not go into Russian Match of Death with sore back blin.

I lay back in my padded, heated cot, thinking of what Babushka would be saying to me right now. "Oh Boris, why you always getting into fights? Why can't you be good boy?" Sorry, Babushka, but you knew this would happen when Boris got his head stuck in car engine as tiny baby. I was never going to be rocket surgeon.

This is opponent I asked for, comrades. When Boris found out he was going to be wrestling at the Festivals of Cunts, the person I wanted to fight is Barry Green. In some ways, he is much like me - and in other ways, he is not. He is funny guy. I am funny guy. He is little chubby. I am little chubby. He has fans. I have fans.

That is it cyka! Barry Green is comedy wrestler. No one take him seriously. Not like Boris. Boris is international Slav Superstar! I am the most serious wrestler in the world blin! I am fueled by vodka and mayonez. Barry Green is fueled by fast food and blyating cheap beer.

This is why Boris demanded this fight, comrades. People on Archer, they say "Boris, you so funny, you make kids laugh, you like Barry Green." No, Boris is NOT like Barry Green! Cyka blyat!

Boris is not mad at Barry blin. He actually seem like good guy. Maybe Barry would like to drink vodka after the Festival of Cunts. But Boris has statement to make. I will never become Archer Champion if I keep being compared to Barry Green. So, Boris asked for match, and I got it.

It's a sad thing that this must be Russian Manslaughter Match, because this means Barry has to see Boris' mean side. I just wanted match blin. I did not want to hurt poor Barry. But a Slav has to do what a Slav has to do. Boris has a dream - to become champion, and to bring title belt home for all the little Gopniks in the world.

What does Barry Green dream about blin? Does he have entire country cheering for him? To people of States of United America, Barry Green is just another person. But to Slovakia - oy blin, Boris is Slav Superstar! This is big deal in home country blin. Barry can not say same. Barry not even biggest celebrity in his own house.

"The coffee, Antoli!"

The debil nearly knocked the pot of coffee off the fire! Cyka blyat, my cousin. If it were not for Boris, he would not be able to find handle on door. I reach under my cot and pull out bottle of vodka. Who needs sugar and cream when you have vodka and mayonez? Oppa!

Barry Green has been in wrestling business for long time. He seen many wrestler blin. And I am sure he has been in many matches that are similar to the one we will be in at the Festival of Cunts. Oy, but similar is not same blin. This match was made for Boris. Only a true Slav can survive! And Barry, he is nothing more than Western spy.

If you want to see true Slav Superhero in action, then look no further than Festival of Cunts, comrades! Boris is going to bring all things Slav - violence, blood, vodka, mayonez, beautiful carpet - everything a Gopnik desires! I will wear best tracksuit, most tactical ushanka...

...and maybe even bring Draganov, for good measure.

Stay cheeki breeki!

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