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Boris · (01-13-2020)

No one can tug war like Boris!

Ok, so maybe my team for the war tug had a bit of an advantage with Jim Jim not showing up. That is not my fault blin. I promised a victory for all the little Gopniks all over the world, and that is what happened. And I know you must be saying "but Boris, you also promised to win the shot put", and to that I say.

...shut up.

But Boris can not just sit around and celebrate his victory - though, I have done plenty of that. No, I must prepare myself for the upcoming match at Federation of Xtreme Wrestlers "Thursday Anchor" show. This week, Boris is wrestling in Are-Kansas.

I wish I had something nice to say about this place, comrades, but Boris never lies. This place, is no good. I met more cultured people in the hillsides of Latvia. Beer is cheap, but it is light American beer blyat! No bar has a good vodka. No wonder Americans always bomb people - they are so mad at the lack of good alcohol and mayonez.

It has also not been a friendly reception for Boris, comrades. Many places in States of United America treat have friendly people, but Are-Kansas, I have yet to meet them. Just today, while looking to find gym - so I could get decent massage - I talked to man in red hat walking out of bar. This man was so rude to Boris!

"Why are you dressed up like that? You some kind of

?"

I have never been so insulted in my life! To be compared to a fig, one of the most disgusting fruits on Earth, really hurt blin. Still, I knew this American drank quite a bit of bad beer, and the last thing I need is to be thrown in an American prison. So I kindly said to the man "this is tracksuit blin. Perfect for all occasions."

"Oh yeah, and where'd you get that stupid fuckin' accent from? Spain?"

This drunk Westerner was looking for fight blin! Well, Boris never backs away from fight, If this debil wanted to fight, then I will fight him like all Slavs fight! I will fight him like I was taught on the streets of Rimavská Sobota!

So I shot him. Twice. In the knees. And I gave him good, old fashioned Slav squat for good measure.

[Image: 297743363140211.png?r1024x1024]

Comrades, if I do not make it to Anchor, please call Slav Embassy.

Is not my fault cyka! Vin Lame puts these shows in parts of country that are not welcoming to folks like Boris. I do not know why not - is it tracksuit? Is it ushanka? Is it accent? I do not know blin, but it hurts Boris' feelings. I am man just like you! Sit and have drink of vodka with me, and you will learn that I am nice guy. I am like teddy bear - if teddy bear smelled like vodka and mayonez.

While I can be nice, I have to be mean in order to survive blin. That is why I am such good wrestler. Not only do I have the strength of the super Slav, but I also have the training and the cunning of a Spetsnaz. How many Western spies can say they grew up in a post-Cold War Slovakia. That is best training a Gopnik can have blin! Did anyone in Are-Kansas have broken bottle fights as their playtime in school? I think not!

This week, I face two fighters. It seems like every week, I am in the ring with two or more people blin. I'm starting to think people do not know where to put Boris on the show. Either that, or I have climbed up the ranks so quickly, they do not know what to do!

I have suggestion for Vin Lame and owners - if Boris wins this match, I should receive shot at Anchor Title. These two men I fight, they are tough blin. They have skills to be champion, so if I win, it means I have skills to be champion, too! Not that I have to prove that - we already know that blin! I'm sure Rudy would have no problem facing the Slav Superstar!

My opponents are Ned Key and Rachel Blackwater. Both worthy competitors. Both superstars. Both ready to feel defeat at the hands of the Patron Saint of Vodka! Oppa!

Ned Key, he is briefcase holder. This means he can hand title whenever he wants. I do not know why he waits. If Boris had briefcase, I would be champion right now blin. I do not want to give Engineer time to prepare for Boris. Ned should not, either. Is he not friends with legends? I would hope one of them would say something blin.

Ned Key has what it takes to be champion, but does he have what it takes to beat Boris? Aye, of course not! Ned Key is not Slav! Even best non-Slav can not beat the worst Slav. This is science blin! And Boris would know about science - I have seen an episode of Mystery Science Theater.

I do not know much about Rachel Blackwater, except that he is member of The Clan Blackwater, a group of warriors that battle together. Danny is the leader. Esther is another one. I am told they are pretty good, comrades. Aye, but again, they are not Slav. They sound like Western spies, if you ask Boris. And there has never been a single Western spy that has gotten the best of Boris!

This is biggest match of career. Of course it is, it is only 7th match in career! But these are best wrestlers I have faced since I came to States of United America. Ned Key, he has experience. He is trained by some of the best fighters in the world. He has been in ring with many greats. Rachel Blackwater, a member of a brutal fighting gang. He has no fear.

But neither does Boris! I am ready to take next step blin! I am ready to main event Anchor and win title! And when I do, all the Slav boys and girls will cheer with joy! It will be greatest victory since Yugoslavia won gold in basketball in 1980!

Stay cheeki breeki, comrades.

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