We open on the sight of Madison Dyson's head upside down. She appears to be reclining in a large chair. Her expression is one of mild disinterested annoyance with a dash of exhaustion. She starts speaking to....someone.

What a shit show this week has been.

The shot pans back a bit further to reveal that Madison is reclining in a large black leather seat, as a diminutive Korean woman paints a fresh gloss on Madison's toes. Madison's toes are wedged apart by a bright pink toe separator, and the pedicurist seems to be making a devoted effort to not look at the swastika tattoo on her foot. She sinks further into the seat as sighs.

I fucking hate the holidays now. Like, why can't it be more like when I was a kid?

And what was it like when you were a kid?

The shot pans back yet again to reveal Shane also getting a pedicure right next to Madison. Another, younger Korean woman seems to be struggling to sand down a particularly insistent bunion on Shane's foot. His toe nails however have already been painted a playful neon pink hue.

Madison looks wistful, and her eyes unfocus as she returns to her youthful years. Which definitely weren't all that long ago because she's not a boomer.

I remember me and my brother would come downstairs on Christmas....

You had a brother you didn't eat in the womb?!

FUCK YOU! She jerks a bit as she belts out the insult, causing the woman working on her toes to utter a snarky complaint in Korean. Shane throws his head back and laughs. Deal with it Miss Swan! Ugh! Anyway, as I was saying. Me and my brother would come downstairs, presents wrapped beautifully. We would open them, that feverish excited gleam in our eyes, as all that anticipation builds in our bellies! And then...when we finally got those bitches open....his and hers junior tactical assault rifles! Daddy always did so good by us. We went out into the yard to practice with them, lining up the wait staff along the back fence for target practice. The Korean woman looks up in horror. We gave them vests, we gave them vests! And I thought you didn't know English? BUSTED! The Asian woman promptly returns to her work. But yeah....I'll always have those memories. Nowadays none of that would have happened. Even Christmas has to be woke now! It's total bullshit! Like, did you know that there's a TRANS Siberian Orchestra but no REGULAR Siberian Orchestra? They just have to shove their degenerate lifestyles down our throats!

Shane points a finger upwards and opens his mouth to retort, but then just looks exasperated and doesn't bother.

Hey Maddy, so which of these bitches handles the happy endings?

Both Shane and Madison turn to look at Gilly, whose feet are currently having a good soak. He eyes up a cute teenage girl at the register lecherously.

For fucks sakes Gilly, I've told you a million times this isn't a massage parlour!

Whatever, I just don't want one of these sandy handed old bags getting anywhere near my Super Dick! He winks at the register girl and she looks like she doesn't know what to do with that and just waves awkwardly.

Shane pulls out his cell phone. You know what Gilly, if you want a happy ending I'll get you a happy ending!

Gilly recoils from Shane a bit. Dude! Just because I got a little excited when Soldier came back doesn't mean I crave cock now!

Not from me! He waves his cell phone in Gilly's direction, a demented smile plastered on his face. Just give me a little bit, I got you, brother! Madison's gotta cut her promo anyway.

UGH UGH UGH! Madison bashes the back of her head against the head rest with each “ugh”. I forgot about that! I need to stop signing up for matches mid-bender. Who am I even..... She stops to think about it, and then her features sag when it clicks. Uggggghhhhhhhhhhh..... Rolls eyes....fuckin' THUNDER KNUCKLES. XWF's poster child for nuclear family inbreeding.

She looks up at the camera, still upside down. Although, I do have to admit, there is one thing I have to begrudgingly respect out of you....your commitment to unfettered capitalism! In an era where it's seen as evil and immoral to want to make a profit, you've made no bones about the fact that you're just here to make an (x)buck. I appreciate that! I mean, what's so wrong with making lots of money, anyway? Nothing! And do you know the kind of people who get angry at people who make lots of money? LOSERS! That's who!

You know, not everyone knows this, but I made my own initial fortune from my family's weapons manufacturing company, Dyson Arms and Munitions. And although I opted to divest from the company and step down from it's Board of Directors some years back*.....

*LEGAL DISCLAIMER: BY COURT ORDER

….I know what it's like to thrive in a capitalist world. Actually, that gives me an idea! To show you we're cut from the same cloth, philosophically speaking, I'm going to run part of a presentation I gave at Houghton Baptist University in 2014 about how I succeeded in a capitalist marketplace. Maybe you'll even learn a thing or two. At the very least, it'll kill some time while I finish up my mani pedi. Enjoy!

CAPITALISM: It's All Ethical Consumption!

We transition to a shot of Madison Dyson on a factory floor.

Greetings! Madison Dyson here. You probably know me from my hit show on Fox News, The Right Idea with Madison Dyson. Or, you know me from wrestling. Either way, I have a very important message for you all about CAPITALISM. Come on let's have a chat!

Madison starts to walk down the factory floor. You start to notice that most of the workers huddled over dimly lit work stations look Asian and very, very young.

Now that you're in college, you might start to hear some people saying some bad things about capitalism. They might even try to tell you that socialism is better. Well....

A tight close up on Madison's face.

….that's just !

We return to a more proscribed distance.

Socialism is for patchouli smelling hippies and other assorted mongoloids who are totally ignorant of history. It's a FACT that capitalism is the only economic system that has ever worked. So if somebody tries to sell you on socialism....JUST SAY NO. And then report them to administration immediately.

Anyway, I'm also here to tell you how I thrived under capitalism, and to tell you that yes, YOU CAN TOO! She gestures to the factory all around her. My family started Dyson Arms and Munitions over 30 years ago, and today I continue on that legacy This is my company's newest factory which I built up out of nothing but my own drive, creativity, ambition and 50+ million dollars in inheritance. Today, this site is bringing Dyson Arms over 3 MILLION DOLLARS in profit MONTHLY. Yes, MONTHLY!

Now, naysayers will probably try to tell you that that just makes me another greedy fat cat! But capitalism does a lot of good for everyone. Why, take all these happy workers here. They were all unemployed and living in grossly impoverished conditions before I built this factory. Now, they have jobs and purpose. Let's check in with one of them and see how much of a difference CAPITALISM made in their lives.

Madison walks over to a girl who looks like she's about 14. Her clothes are threadbare and she looks very sad. Madison sidles up next to her. Hey there employee! Why don't you tell us a little bit about how much you love working here and why capitalism works for you!

The girl turns to look at Madison, squinting at her in confusion. Madison scowls a bit, and she cups her hands about her mouth and starts shouting. TELL US WHY CAPITALISM EQUALS GOOD! The girl blinks a couple times and shrinks back a bit. She finally starts to speak, but it's clearly not in English. But soon after she starts talking, a dubbed in voice takes over.

Oh yes! I love capitalism! It is why I get up in the morning! It is the only light in my otherwise drab existence. This factory is my life. I love it! I praise God for capitalism every day! I am 18 years old and a completely consenting adult who chooses to work here. Thank you so much Miss Dyson. You are beautiful like an angel.

Madison smiles and looks abashed. Awwww! Thank you! And thank you for everything you do for....

Suddenly, a child's scream is heard. The camera whips around to the opposite end of the aisle where an 8 year old worker appears to have his arm caught in the grinding teeth of some machine. The child hollers in agony as other workers rush to his aid. A gush of blood erupts from the machine as the child's arm is consumed.



After a brief test pattern appears, we go back to Madison Dyson who is now walking outside the grounds of the factory.

As you can see, capitalism isn't just a boon for the individual capitalist, but for entire communities. And while nothing is perfect...heh....capitalism is definitely closer to perfect that some pipe dream your egg head professor will try to sell you on. So remember! Capitalism.... “it's ALL ethical consumption!”

She flashes a thumbs up at the camera as the shot pans back. We see plumes of thick oily smoke rising from the smokestacks of the factory, bathing the sky in a choking miasma that settles over the ramshackle village that lays in it's wake.


We return to the nail salon, and Madison seems like she's done with her mani pedi. She's sitting in the waiting area, leafing through a copy of some fashion magazine when she looks up. Oh, you're back! I hope you learned something.

So TK, let's talk brass tacks. We got a match coming up. And I'm of two minds on this. On one hand, momma's gettin' her groove back. Did you see how bad I stomped that twiggy little alt bitch Geri into dust? Yuh huh.

I've been hitting the gym again, and honestly I feel better than I have in AGES. I might actually become a serviceable athlete again. I can FEEL the momentum at my back. It's tingly. Feels kinda nice. You on the other hand are very quickly confirming your flash in the pan status. You're fresh off yet another disappointing loss and it's becoming very apparent that the only thing you have to hang your hat on is a moderately funny comedy shtick and the feel good wah-wah of being a beer bellied everyman in a sport meant for hot people.

In short, things are NOT looking good for you.

But on the other hand? Madison yawns. Fuck am I TIRED. It's not just the holidays either. I had forgotten how stressful it can be managing a Universal Champion! I mean, I know you can't relate because the closest you'll ever get to a real title is buying one of those cheap replica ones off Amazon and rubbing it on your buttery body as you cry yourself to sleep, muttering over and over again “But at lest I'm sorta funny”. But yeah, it's fuckin' hard! Coordinating media appearances. Making sure Vinnie's dyslexia didn't cause him to make some critical contract error. Trying to get The Engineer booked for Cunt Fest while Fuzz runs around with his dick tucked between his legs going “Can't fight! Got a pussy now!”



Haha! Yeah, that's the stuff! But anyway, I got an idea. I say we test just how strong your commitment to the principles of capitalism really are. So, how about this? I am offering you 100,000 X Bux to take a dive in this match. That's right, 100,000 smackaroos to let me win! Think of how many Dogerlord Throw Pillows you can buy with that!

Plus, think of it this way. You're gonna lose anyway. But at least this way, if you take a dive right out in the open, you can always console yourself by saying “I guess maybe I'll never know what really would have happened. Maybe I could have even won!” Kinda like how when they had a firing squad in the old days and they always left one guy's gun unloaded just in case one of 'em felt guilty about it later. “Maybe I didn't kill him after all.” Always got to leave that door open for wishful thinking, ya know?

Mull it over TK. I mean, what's the alternative for you? Another straight up loss? To the Universal Champion's MANAGER?! Not a good look for an up and comer.

Gilly! Gilly! I did it! Shane comes rushing into the waiting room, phone held off and still barefoot from his pedicure. Gilly rushes out right behind him, and for some reason he's only wearing a towel? I guess he still thinks it's just a massage parlour.

What the hell are you two doing now?

Shane, with a look of manic glee, turns his phone to Gilly. I just bought this whole nail salon! And I am officially rebranding it a massage parlour!

Madison throws her arms up angrily. This is the best nail place in town! What the fuck?!

Oh you'll find another one, Madison. In the mean time, Gilly go ahead and collect your first free happy ending on the house!

Hell yes! Capitalism rules! Gilly and Shane both turn towards the cute younger girl at the register. She looks up at the both of them confused. Gilly removes his towel and the girl's eyes are naturally drawn to his SUPER DICK. The girl looks some kind of combination of horrified and impressed.

Yeah that was pretty much my reaction the first time too. Well, I guess this is happening. See you later, Knuckles. Oh, and by the way, deadline for considering my offer is December 31st. After which time it becomes null and void. Toodles!

We start to see Gilly advance on the girl before the shot transitions to the exterior of the nail sa-errr massage parlour. A scream is heard from within before the shot cuts to black.