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Shawn Warstein · (12-21-2019)

I’ve been here before. I’ve sat right here in these very chairs. Weeks on end, every Saturday. The putrid tasting coffee and the dry as fuck doughnuts. A haze of smoke fills the air from the few people smoking. The tinge of yellow hanging on the formerly white walls, the drop ceilings barely hanging on for whatever they are worth.

I haven’t walked through those doors in a few years. Usually I’ll stop by once a year, collect and leave. Brian is up there talking about whatever. I can’t really concentrate on what he’s saying. The demon is back. It’s clawing at my insides. It’s happened before and I’ve always been able to push him back.

“Hello Shawn. It’s nice to see you again.”

He hasn’t spoken to me in over six years. Six fucking years he’s been away, but since September he’s been peeking around corners. Only I could only see him, only I can hear him, but he’s there ever present. In the past I would fill my time with everything to keep him at bay. You know the saying, idle hands and all. I tried acting, (What up Kenzi!), I did the rap thing, and I even attempted an ill fated career as a private detective. Basically I tried everything to quell him. This time something has fundamentally changed.

He seems stronger now. He’s more motivated to makes himself known. He’s being brazen about it. It’s as if he’s not even trying to hide anymore. He will show up in the middle of the day, without warning, and I’m stuck. I haven’t felt this alone and desperate since he showed up the first time.

*Buzz. Buzz*

I glance down at the phone. Fuck it should’ve been onturned off. That’s a rule here, no phones. Everyone’s eyes dart towards me, as I fumble with the phone. I quickly stand up and move towards the door. I open the door and the burst of cold air blasts me in the face.

“What do you want Noah?”

Seriously who else would it have been? I don’t have many allies anymore. All my family refuses to talk to me anymore, and to be honest it’s really quiet around the holidays.

“Where are you at? You said you were heading back like an hour ago… did you get lost you old cunt? Do you need me to reset your gps?”

Fuck! I forgot I told him I was heading home. What the fuck is he doing there? I thought he was doing something with Vita.

“Oh yeah, I had to run some errands. I got caught in traffic.”

“Ohh… errands. Is that code for Christmas Shopping? As in Shopping for Noah?”

Again. Fuck I forgot all about Christmas. I mean I didn’t forget, I know we work on Wednesday, but that’s all it has become since I’ve been in this business. Just another day.

“You know it buddy!”

I feigned excitement. I knew Noah could tell, but that wasn’t stopping him being excited.

“I’ve never gotten a present from my Dad on Christmas! This is going to be so sick! Why did you get me?”

“That kind of ruins the point of Christmas doesn’t it?”

“I guess. Either way I know it’s going to be sick… So when are you going to be home? You’ve got a packed few days with the chamber, and then Sarah on Saturday. You need to get your rest.”

“I don’t know Noah, trust me I haven’t forgotten about my matches. Have you forgotten about yours? I’ll take that silence as you are vigorously preparing for your match. Either way I’ll text you when I’m on my way.”

“Fair Dinkum, and of course I haven’t forgotten about my match, I was just preparing for it as we speak. The DiGornios is in the oven, and Die Hard is ready to go. Just don’t forget to text.”

It wasn’t long before I was left outside with my own thoughts. There he was again, but he wasn’t so brazen when he heard Noah. I think I just came to the realization on something.

The demon got stronger when Noah and I became partners, but only when Noah isn’t around. Is it only coming around when he’s not here. Is Noah the catalyst to keeping him at bay?

It wasn’t there at Lethal Lottery, and who was by my side the whole night? Noah. It wasn’t there at Relentless, and who was there. Noah. Since I’ve been on this unbelievable streak, who’s been there Noah. It only comes out when he’s not around. Anytime Noah’s around, he’s gone.

I walk back into the room, and again all eyes gaze upon me. I’m not fazed one bit. I think I just figured something out and this long journey of mine. It’s been over fifteen years and this is just dawning on me now, I know what the triggers are, but now I know the safety.

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah, just a call from my son…”

And there it is, a full circle. I’ve come to grips with the fact that sure I may not actually be his father, but that doesn’t mean I can be his dad. I can’t be the person he leans on for advice and guidance. Just like I’ve leaned on him for these past few months.

I didn’t realize that something I’ve thumbed my nose at would become this major in my life. There was no second guessing from him. He thought this was the truth, and no matter what I or anyone may have said it didn’t matter. To him it was a fact.

Considering everything he’s done for me, I think it’s time that I start treating it as such as well. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but in my fucked up head….

There are worse things.

The room is still bustling and person after person goes up to the podium telling their story. Some are dark, others are just plain sad. Most people were just caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. There isn’t much you can do when things start to turn.

One second you have everything under control. The next your buying a multimillion company with no idea how to run it. So you eventually find yourself living off the royalties and soon enough bought out for pennies on the dollar. Sure I still walked away with a pretty chunk of change, but it wasn’t nearly enough. That’s why I came back. I needed to. Little did I know that destiny had other things in order.

I stand up and begin the march towards the podium. I’ve stood up there hundreds of times. I told my story every in every possible combination. Yet this is the first time I walk up there with a smile.

You see people in this place aren’t usually the happiest bunch. They are all down on their luck, but there I am smiling like a buffoon. I am once again at a loss for words. Peoples eyes are all on me, and anticipating what I’m about to say. I just don’t know if I’m capable of the words.

A flood of emotions come over me, the only one showing is the smile. I pull out a coin and begin to toss it in the air. I watch as a few people do the same.

“This group of people right here… we are all capable of so much. We are all capable of love. Of empathy. Of hate. Of ignorance. Yet what do we all have in common. Each and everyone of us? We are all flawed. We all have that one voice in our head.”

I was slowly beginning to get the attention of everyone in the room.

“Whether you call it a demon, like I do, or not. It’s constantly there gnawing at the back of your brain. Like an annoying gnat that you cannot swat away. We all try our hardest to keep fighting. I don’t know what all of you are fighting for, but I have. It took me a long fucking time to find it, but now that I have, there’s no turning back. Every step I take from this point forward is for him. I came here to collect my chip and be on my way, but he opened my eyes.”

The room is eerily quiet. Usually it’s quite but not pin drop quiet. I have their full attention and as the smoke hangs in the air I slam the coin down on the podium and take a deep breath.

“My name is Shawn. I’m an addict, and as of today I am officially seven years sober.”

The Afterthought:

*Eyes On Me*

Oh M Gee look at me! I’m better than everyone else!

Pay attention to me! I’m a lesbian and that means I have a personality! It’s what defines me!

I said Look At Me!

Do you honestly not see how fucking annoying that is? I don’t know how someone’s voice can literally sound like nails on a chalkboard, but you have done it. You have single handedly given me tinnitus. The ringing in my ears just won’t stop. It’s becoming rather annoying lately.

Yet here’s the thing about this match between the two of us, the outcome doesn’t even really matter. I already have my Tag Team title shot, thanks to holding the X-Treme title, whenever I want. That’s the beauty in holding this title. I continue to earn while just doing what I was going to do anyways. So in reality the prize at the end of this match means absolutely nothing to me. Yet you have an opportunity to gain something from this, you could either go after my precious, or the TV title, should you win.

That’s not going to happen,

But it is indeed a possibility. I literally have nothing to gain from this encounter. I have my briefcase, I have the Title, I even have a Star Of The Month trophy that I can hold over everyone that hasn’t won’t it. I have no real incentive to even show up for it, but I’m going to.

Why? Because that’s what I do. I show up and fight week in and week out, and that’s just the point isn’t it? I’m here every week, and you and you “bitch” are nowhere to be seen. I’m not going to say you were ducking Noah and I, but I just found it eerily convenient that Kenzi all of a sudden had to go find L. Ron Hubbard right at about the point I hit three weeks and earned out shot. I don’t need to beat you to get my shot at those titles.

This match is meaningless.

Well….

Sort of. I’m on, what everyone is calling, the run of a lifetime. I’ve been unstoppable lately, and why is that? You.

Ever since you beat Noah and I, I’ve had one singular focus. Taking everything away from you. Whether directly or indirectly. You were running around with the Anarchy Title, that’s gone. I’ve pinned you in the middle of the ring, sure I was dressed as a pterodactyl, but the fact remains. I’ve held on hoping that Theo would come to his senses, but alas he didn’t. So while I continue to climb the ladder, and let's be honest, I'm at the top rung now, you’ve been sliding lately haven’t you?

I liken it to you holding sand in your hands. Sure when it’s wet, it’s easy. It clumps and stays, but over time it begins to dry out. Then slowly over time the grains of sand fall to the ground. Leaving you grasping on what was there, frantically trying to restock the sand. Yet there is none. You see while you’re grasping as sand, I’ve made that sand into glass. Firm, yet fragile. Sturdy but weak.

But when it weaponized, it’s deadly. You should’ve gone for the killshot the last time we faced off. I can hear it now. It’s the same thing over and over, ever since the day I walked back in the doors…

Fuzz you’re old.

I know right? It’s as if it hasn’t affected me one bit. I’m still the same Legend that I’ve always been. And that’s the crux of the situation. Call me Boomer, call me old, call me insignificant, whatever you choose, the bottom line is simple…

Why is everyone so pissed off at me for being a legend? You guys can’t even get in. My name has been etched into the walls of the XWF history since 1999.

Bitch you weren’t even born yet. Sorry you were what a few months old? Either way the next metaphor still fits, so I’m rolling with it...

I’ve been here winning titles since you were floating around in your daddy’s nutsack. Since before you were a glimmer in your bastard dad’s eyes, and your whore of a mother even knew she was going to give birth to the biggest waste of talent this side of the Mississippi.

Yes I said waste of talent. Yes I mean it. You could be doing so much more with what you have, yet you insist on reminding the world OVER and OVER again that you’re a lesbian.

Cool. I like pussy too. There we have some common ground. While you enjoy the lights and cameras constantly in your face, I prefer the solitude of my own brain. Sure it’s caused some issues in the past, and currently, but that doesn’t mean I’m not averse to a little acknowledgement every so often. You know what you’re getting into when we “fight”. Hell it's unsanctioned and it won’t even count towards anything. They just want to see us fight for the sake of us fighting.

If I really wanted to fight you, I’d put you in a tag title match at Cuntfest. Hell I was going to do that, then I thought, no…

She’s earned more than that.

I know what it’s like to be looked over. I know what it’s like to have all the attention and yet still get nothing from it. So I’d give you what you want, but I want to hear you ask for it.

Hey Sar, you’re up for five awards, but here’s a tag match. Doesn’t that just piss you off? Doesn’t that make your blood boil? I know that it would for me, but as I said at Lethal Lottery, I’ll be a kind a just god.

Sarah just tell me what you want and I can make your dream come true.

It just so happens I’ve already reached that dream.

I reached them well before you even knew you had them. “But Fuzz you haven’t been there since… lulz Got you!”

True, but when you take almost a decade off and still don’t miss a fucking beat, and still in under a year put yourself in the position to be there again has to stand for something right? Yet that doesn’t matter to you at all does it Sar?

Nah probably not,

But it should.

Oh Shit am I done yet? Not by a fucking long shot. I sit here and just wait for people to open their mouths and talk about me, just so I can just unleash on them.

Yet recently Sarah, you’ve been… dare I say it… cordial? As if to show some respect? Over on Twitter you and I have been amicable. You even showed up to our party, sure you thought it was a coming out party.

Baby Steps.

I just want you to know this from the bottom of my heart Sarah… I don’t hate you. I don’t even dislike you. You and I are cut from the same cloth. We both know what it takes to be the best. We both know that in this industry, titles are all that matters. Unfortunately for you I have one title that you’ll never get.

That’s Legend.

I don’t want you to take that as a diss in anyway, but when everyone and their mother calls me old, I can pull that card and no one can take that from me.

Not even you…

Shit look at the time… I can still go for a little bit more…

But I think you get the point.

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