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Lacklan · (12-20-2019)

Hey, everybody! Its your favorite member of the CoolTube team, Ashley Allen! I know that its been a LONG time since I was around, but its been for a GREAT reason! I took a year off school in order to work intimately with the Grey-Lacklans, as you all no doubt remember, but I’m back in my third year of school. Over halfway to that Business Admin degree! What a BLESSED thing, huh? God certainly shines down on the Lacklanland School of Business, let me tell you.

Do you have a moment? I would REALLY like to take some time with you to tell you about God, since SOMEONE who shall remain NAMELESS hasn’t been doing a very good job of telling you about the Path of Light! And since I’m on my Winter Break right now, I figure this would be a great time to share the Wo-

*SCREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

What the-

*HONK HONK HONK*

HOLY-

I LEAP away from the side of the street as this black car comes DRIFTING towards me! Its busy here at LAX...that’s Los Angeles International Airport, by the way...with a lot of bodies and cars, but this thing came out of NOWHERE like a BULLET! First through a line of Uber cars and then somehow SIDEWAYS and now it’s come to a rest in front of me! What kind of CRAZY driver does THAT in a busy-

“Get in, loser. We’re going shopping!”

My heart is beating a thousand beats a second but the site of my oldest friend doesn’t exactly help. I was curious to what Sarah meant by she was going to pick me up personally at the airport...figured I would just get an Uber for the hour or something...but here she was in this weird black car. With the window down, I can see that she’s wearing FAR too much makeup again...she’s always painted herself up like some kind of harlot...and I can see WAY too much of her weirdo porcelain skin...because of COURSE she’s not properly covered up the way God wants her to be...and her eyes are already gleaming with the desire for mischief that got us in so much trouble back in the day.

We got into a LOT of trouble, that’s for sure. We met when my family moved from Augusta to Bangor and I was enrolled in a small private school when I was 12. Sarah was the first person I met when the odd-looking albino demanded that I introduce myself to her immediately. Apparently, she was THE person to meet...as she told me herself...and she was the most popular person in school. I learned pretty quickly why: She was the preacher’s daughter. And not just ANY preacher….THE preacher. Lord Lacklan, He is Risen, and the Path of the Light.

Not just the most influential figure around, but also the richest. Their family goes back MANY generations and was “old” money, if that makes sense. I wasn’t sure what to think when I first met her...you all know how she can be...but then she dragged me to church, let me listen to her father, and then I understood.

To be perfectly honest, Sarah has done a TERRIBLE job with explaining the Path to you guys! So, let me tell you about God and-

*HONK HONK HONK*

“Let’s go, Top-Heavy!”

I can feel my cheeks burning as I toss my luggage in the trunk of the car. Yes, I’m top heavy, but my splendid bosom is perfectly contained in my turtleneck sweater, thank you. Just as it should be! Not like how SOMEONE in the driver’s seat displays all of HER goods like she’s Rahab in Jericho!

Remember girls: Keep your curves covered up! You don't want your womb swollen with Satan's sins because you were too much of a harlot to dress appropriately!

I get into the car and HOLY CRAP HELP ME

WHY ARE WE SPEEDING?!

WHY DO I SMELL BURNT RUBBER?!

WHY

OW!

“Jeez, Ax! Buckle up! You’re gonna knock yourself out if you hit your head on the dashboard like that!”

My head aches, but I finally get my seatbelt on.

*HONK HONK HONK*

“Sar! Slow down!”

Her laughter is NOT the response that I wanted to hear. She’s driving like a maniac! My body shoots one way as Sarah jerks the car to change lanes, and then my body goes the OTHER way as she changes lanes AGAIN!

“Blinker! Use you blinker, Sarah!”

MORE laughter? Wait...wait...are we splitting lanes? WHY ARE WE SPLITTING LANES?!

“There we go! Freedom!”

My heart is RACING and I can’t breathe. But I can see that we’re on the freeway and away from other cars, just kinda barreling down the road like nothing! We have to be doing 100!

“Sarah! For the love of the Queen Mother! Slow down! Don’t do it! Don’t roll your eyes at me!”

She did.

“Keep your eyes on the road!”

She didn’t.

“Relax, Ax! We’ll be at the Egg before you know it!”

The Egg. The Grey-Lacklan estate in the warren of SIN that was Hollywood Hills. I’m staying for the first week of my three weeks off from school, and I plan on getting caught up on a lot of work over at Dark Goddess Productions and getting all of the Cool Rankings stuff done for the year. I’m sure Kenzi is just pleased as PUNCH about the situation, too!

I don’t like Kenzi. Sarah was always WAY too promiscuous when we were in high school...and I literally have nightmares about that gap year we had before she went pro wrestler and I went to school...but her bringing home a black woman as a “partner” was NOT cool. Marriage is between a man and a woman! It is a holy thing given to us by GOD! But Sarah and I love each other like sisters...well, if we ignore that time she made a pass at me during the 18th birthday party she threw me...that got really awkward...oh, and lets also ignore the fact that Sarah actually HAS a sister now in that boy-hogging, lush HARLOT that is Angie Vaughn...and so I do my best to accept her choices. She says that Lord Lacklan, He is Risen, gave their relationship his blessing before he passed, and as hard as I find that to believe, I accept it. Doesn’t mean I have to like Kenzi or their marriage, though! ESPECIALLY when she took that disgusting vagrant Dolly Waters under her wing as an intern!

She’s dead, right?

“So! What have you been up to? How’s school?”

Sarah’s looking straight at me while she asks...and not the road...so I answer as soon as I can.

“Good! A’s in my classes! Now look at THE ROAD!”

I reach up and grab the “HELP ME!” bar as Sarah smirks and FINALLY turns back to the road.

“Any cute boys?”

Now its my turn to roll my eyes.

“No, Sarah. I’m not opposed to a courtship, but I’m happily a Born Again Virgin!”

Sarah turns to me and scowls, and I scowl right back. Sarah’s influence got me to commit a handful of sins...okay, more than just a handful...but the Queen Mother’s Born Again Virgin program brought me right back to God’s graces!

Ya know, Sarah has ALSO done a TERRIBLE job of telling you about the Queen Mother! Le Bord de Dieu, the Champion of Chaos, the Mistress of the Manor, the final wife of Lord Lacklan, He is Risen, Aveline Lacklan. She

is

AMAZING

Loving. Caring. Understanding. Penitent. French. Everyone in Lacklanland loves her! And as the head of the Path of the Light Church, she has done a WONDERFUL job in teaching the ways of God! Unfortunately, Sarah has been gone from us for so long that I think she’s very close to losing the way, you know? She’s been in this sinful state for nearly three years in her...well, I guess I HAVE to call it “marriage,” though the taste of it is acid to my tongue, and-

“Amira says hello.”

Dear Jesus, my face must look like a tomato! Lesbianism is WRONG! Homosexuality is WRONG! And the thoughts I have for wrestler Amira Kassouri are WRONG!

Mental note: Ask the Queen Mother to help me deal with these sinful thoughts.

Okay, time to change the subject. FAST.

“How’s the XWF doing? Can’t wait to see you wrestle next Saturday!”

Wrestling was God’s favorite sport, as we were taught by Lord Lacklan, He is Risen. We can save the world through wrestling!

“Meh. I mean, its been cool overall. Lets see...you went back to school in...what...August? So, let me think about what’s happened since then.”

A shriek nearly rips out of me as Sarah swerves several times while thinking and we slice our way through a pack of cars.

“After Leap of Faith, I conned my Beloved-”

...happy to report I was able to hide my shudder at the mention of my OTHER “boss”...

“-into entering a tag tourney with me, and we beat up some old pissbabies on the way to winning the tournament and the title. Of course, after THAT I got beat by that stupid Trash Panda twice-”

I rather like Ruby, actually.

“-and lost my Anarchy Championship. Bobbi is still beating up everything in sight, including Vapid and Useless-”

That would be her pet name for Roxy Cotton, for those playing the home version of our game. The two of them seem to be in an “-enemy” phase of their “frienemy” relationship.

“-Vita ruined the vast majority of her credibility, Corey decided that ‘crazy’ wasn’t enough and added ‘batshit’ to his mental state, the Apex fell apart after adding ‘Coma-Inducing’ Ned Kaye to their ranks, Main got beat by a returning devil-worshiping rapist...who then disappeared because of course he did, Tony’s killer run as Hart champion came to an end at the hands of Centy, who is surprisingly not ALL that bad...at least for an old dude, Noah became somewhat bearable...oh, hold on…”

We get jerked to the side as Sarah brings out her phone. An iPhone?! What happened to that SWEET Windows phone?!

“...just need to transfer Noah a few X-Bux for mentioning him in my promotional video...hopefully Thunder Knuckles doesn’t somehow end up with them…okay! There’s other stuff, obviously, but we can get caught up with that over some food. Because THERE’S our exit!”

There is literally no way we are already OMG HOW DID WE TRAVEL HERE THAT FAST?!

Okay...okay...need to take my mind off the fact that we just crossed FOUR LANES OF TRAFFIC WITHOUT A BLINKER to get to the off-ramp

“Who...who are you fighting next Saturday?”

“Fuzz! Not the first time we’ve tangled, won’t be the last.”

“He any good?”

“Let me tell you about Fuzz…”

...and here...we...go…

“He’s an excellent wrestler.”

...that’s it? No diatribe? No oral murder? No rant befitting her Best Trash Talker award nod?

“Listen, I’m not going to make up a bunch of stuff about Fuzz. He’s great! In my career, I have seen ‘legend’ after ‘legend’ come back, cut ONE killer promo, and be gone in a puff of smoke. Or have a couple of good matches and then pull an Unknown Soldier. But Fuzz? He’s legit. Came back, beat down regularly, won a BUNCH of matches, including the Lottery and I know all ABOUT taking home a trophy like that. So I’m not going to sit here and drag him because that simply wouldn’t be true. We are going to kick the everloving SHIT out of one another in an unsanctioned main event.

"That being said, while Fuzz has done an AWESOME job since returning, the reality is that I’m BETTER than him. I’m younger. I’m faster. I’m smarter. And most important, while my spectre on this business is eternal, HIS spectre is always one rough week away from becoming unto GHOST. He’s always primed to return because he always leaves. He gets burnt...or beat...and bails. He turns on his partners, runs from his responsibilities, and dives headfirst into his demons. And I EXIST to exploit that kind of weakness. And what he DOESN'T know is that this is THE most important match of my XWF career."

I grab onto my “HELP ME!” bar again as Sarah suddenly spins the wheel hard and we go sideways...SIDEWAYS...for a few seconds before we slam to a stop along the sidewalk. My heart races...for the umpteenth time today...and my wide eyes can see “The Egg,” the oddly-shaped white house on the hill...but the look of severity on Sarah’s face forces me to look at her.

“Ax...this IS the most important match of my XWF career…”

She looks away from me for a moment and I try to calm my breathing. Again.

“If I win...I get a shot at either Fuzz or Noah’s championships. And that might well be what Fuzz focuses on. That this unsanctioned match leads, regardless of the outcome, to more battles between his ‘family’ and the Grey-Lacklans.”

She shakes her head and looks back up at me and the look in her eyes takes what little breath I caught. I recognize that look. I saw it all the TIME when we were younger. When Sarah fully appreciated her DUTY within our Church. When she did things like whipped servants for moving too slow or daring to meet her eyes. A look of intent for righteous violence.

“But he’s wrong. Because I don’t wish for the Television Championship. I do not wish for the Xtreme Championship. He probably does not realize it, as he was only newly returned with but a single...though dominant...victory to his 2019 resume over that wasteful McPherson guy...but I already HAVE a shot at those championships.”

“Huh?”

She smiles at my confusion...she likes doing that...but the desire for violence is still there behind her glasses.

“I dragged a shitty War Games team to success. And while that ALONE was reward enough, as it added even MORE credibility to my claims of being an excellent team wrestler, there was another prize. I was named MVP of my team, which meant that I was granted a title shot of my choosing at a time of my choosing. Since then, I have spent all of my focus on either the Anarchy Championship or the Tag Team with my Beloved, and so I haven’t used them.”

She looks away again, this time out the windshield and towards her house.

“If I beat Fuzz? I will have TWO championship match guarantees. But I’m not going to use them. Instead, I’m going to parley them. Just imagine, if you will, the reaction when I walk into Atticus’ office. He’ll offer me tea...because he loves drinking tea with me...and I will politely refuse, and instead place both of my title match contracts on his desk. And I will tell him that, with this person in front of him, with this impactful woman of influence before him, one of the woman who dominated his show during the Tag Team Tournament, he will have no CHOICE but to take these two contracts off my hands and give me what I have TRULY earned.”

I open my mouth to ask her what she means, but I’m not sure how to do it. Sarah is...well, you all know. She’s Sarah. So, I think about her own words. What she has said. How what she says is often as much poetry as anything else.

“What have you earned, Sarah?”

She doesn’t respond right away, and so we sit in silence for a moment. I take a second to look out the window of my side of the car and see the palm trees lining the clean street. I see that their closest neighbor, nearly a quarter mile away with the way the properties are laid out, have mostly rebuilt their house after that super scary and unfortunate incident with the Hooded Man. I see that no one is manning the little office that opens the wrought iron gate with the big “G-L” in the middle that leads to the Egg. I see-

“The current Universal Champion has had twenty-three matches this year so far, and I fully expect him to retain within the chamber in his twenty-fourth. And while the record books will always list four losses for him in 2019, the truth of the matter is that only TWO people have actually beat him. One of those people? Has gone zero and three against me. And the other person to have beaten him?”

She looks back at me and that look is still in her eyes.

“Is me.”

She looks back to the Egg, but I keep my eyes on her.

“I’m going to beat Fuzz, Ax. Because I have earned the right to take all of these opportunities, all of these successes, all of this INFLUENCE, and FORCE Atticus to book Sarah Grey-Lacklan versus whatever name Corey wants to use that particular day. And so that’s why this is the most important match of my XWF career. For Fuzz, its the opportunity to get a chance at revenge for he and Noah against the 5’2” Mafia. But for me?”

She gives a little laugh.

“It’s manifest destiny.”

She reaches up and pulls down the eye shade above her head and I see a small black control box taped into place behind it. She presses a button and the large G-L begin to separate as the gate opens.

“C’mon, Ax. I have an idea for some fun next week. Lets get planning.”

I barely had enough time to say a quick prayer to God before she slammed her foot down on the gas pedal as hard as possible.

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