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X-treme Wrestling Federation » XWF Live! » Character Development RPs
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Squad Goals
Author Message
Prof. Bobby Bourbon Offline
Mad Scientist



XWF FanBase:
The 'cool' kliq fans

(booed by casual fans; opportunistic; often plays dirty while setting the trends)


#1
11-22-2019, 12:41 PM

Robbie Bourbon has always generally had an entourage of those who helped him out, a rag-tag bunch ready to assist in saving the world from itself.

In November of 2019, the roster may need some bolstering.

SQUAD GOALS

A long line of people is waiting around, hoping to get their chance. Not the new iPhone, not the new Jordans, not any kind of Black Friday deals, none of those. Signage dictates that this massive line is here for the "2019 Bourbon Man Person Auditions". On each sign, the word 'man' has been crossed out with a marker and beside it, 'person' has been scrawled. The camera follows the line of people to a table set up in the heart of a shopping mall in front of a massive Christmas tree.

Seated at the table we see Robbie Bourbon and beside him is Ash, Robbie's stylist. Standing beside the table next to Robbie is Ruby the Centaur, Robbie's girlfriend and literal centaur. Standing on the other side, nearer Ash, are Cyberjaw, the man with they cybernetic jaw, and Diamondback, the man who can blend into any crowd. Ash looks up from the table.

Next.

A young man approaches the table.

Name?

Robbie's gaze narrows at the young man in a very over-sized trench coat.

I'm Jack Crickets.

Okay, Jack, what makes you a qualified Bourbon Person?

Jack grins. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of live crickets.

I have crickets!

Robbie forces a smile just like the last person who interviewed you for a job you did not get.

Well that's wonderful, but I feel we don't need crickets.

But, my crickets feed lizards!

Duly noted. Welp, we have your contact info here, we may be in touch.

Jack Crickets puts the crickets back in his pocket and walks away. Ruby leans in towards Robbie.

Why are you doing this?

Robbie looks back at her.

Well, babe, I generally have a bunch of dudes that do stuff with me, like fight monsters, or engage in time travel, essentially all manner of high fantasy nonsense. My crew, however, has diminished. Axe Mannix, the axe man on Xanax, moved to Oregon. I refuse to shoot promos in Oregon. We had a wizard LARP guy, I forget his name, but he was lame. Joe Biden is busy on the campaign trail, trying to follow in my footsteps and become President of the United States.

But, aren't these guys enough?

Ruby gestures towards Cyberjaw and Diamondback. Cyberjaw is holding the front of his pants open and taking a picture of what's inside with his phone. Diamondback looks furious staring at the screen of a Nintendo Switch Light he is holding.

No, they are definitely not enough.

Next!

Another candidate approaches the table, a young man holding a sock puppet.

Name?

Puppetfucker.

Robbie's face goes blank as he hears this.

And you...

I ejaculate into puppets.

Robbie glances at Ash and shakes his head 'no'.

I'm sorry, I don't think this is a good fit for you.

Dejected, the young man turns to walk away. As he does, the slides the puppet on his hand and visibly fondles himself. Ruby leans back in towards Robbie.

So, you're just holding an open audition here at the mall?

Robbie shrugs.

Well, yeah. I mean, I prefer to obtain Bourbon Meh...

Robbie catches himself.

I mean People, organically as I get into any manner of misadventure before I ultimately have a wrestling match, do big violence to my opponent, and leave them super salty over the fact I can do more than they can.

Next!

Another young man walks up. He is holding a cantaloupe with a hole in it. Robbie's eyes go wide, eagerly looking at the tasty, delicious, and nutritious item in his hand.

Name?

Melonfucker.

Robbie looks less than pleased.

So, your thing is...

Yep. I had sex with this melon.

Robbie looks down and shakes his head no.

Not qualified.

Melonfucker turns and shrugs. He sniffs the hole in the melon, then walks off.

Next!

A young man walks up with a banjo.

Oh, hey, a musician!

Nope, my name is Banjofucker.

Robbie snorts and stands up.

Everybody in line, if your whole thing is that you have sex with inanimate objects, we are not currently looking to fill our positions with those types of talents.

A collective groan is let out as roughly two thirds of the line look dejected and begin to walk away. A fat man with a gravy boat. A young lady with a french press. Three men carrying a bumper pool table. Eighteen other people with banjos.

Wow.

I know, the XWF kind of brings out a strange crowd. Actually, wrestling in general does.

Next!

A young man in an Auntie Anne's uniform walks up to the table.

Name?

My name is Seth, I am here for my check.

Robbie's eyes go wide as he seems to have been reminded of something. He reaches into a box under the table.

So, you're not here to become a Bourbon Person?

No, my manager said my paycheck was here.

Robbie nods in assent.

Yeah, hon, part of the deal with getting this spot in the mall is I agreed to hand out the checks to the employees at the pretzel shop.

Robbie pulls out an envelope and hands it to the young man.

Here you go, Seth!

Thanks.

Seth looks nonplussed as he turns and walks away.

I like him. I think he has potential.

But he was just here for his paycheck.

I know, not like the rest of the try-hards in line.

Next!

A man dressed as an ear of corn approaches the table.

Name?

BEHOLD THE POWER OF CORN!!!

The man starts flexing in his corn outfit. Robbie rubs his chin, seemingly interested in this man.

So, Corn, what do you do?

About 10,000 years ago, Corn was first cultivated in parts of Mexico and Central America. Corn is usually considered a vegetable but it is actually a grain, rich in fiber, vitamins, minerals and antioxidants.

Well, shit, why wouldn't we want that? Corn, welcome aboard.

Ash reaches under the table and hands Corn, the man dressed like an ear of corn, a plastic bag. He reaches in and pulls out a Bourbon Person thermal cup, a Bourbon Person pen, and a Bourbon Person stress ball. The words *NEW BOURBON MAN ALERT*CORN* scroll across the bottom of the screen.

CORN IS PLEASED!!!

Corn takes his place beside Cyberjaw and Diamondback. Robbie beams as he looks up at Ruby, who looks rightly confused.

See, this gets results.

You just employed a man for dressing as and then spouting one factoid about corn.

Well, I like corn.

Next!

Guy Fieri approaches.

Woah...

Oh, hey!

Um, I got lost, I'm looking for a diner, or a drive-in, perhaps a dive to eat at.

Oh, well, Guy, I have got the deal of a lifetime for you. How would you like to not only be the right mayor of, but also our ambassador to Flavortown?

I'm, uh, not sure why you're doing this...

Look, Guy, I have to admit I am a huge fan of yours. The way you bring local small businesses across America into the spotlight, the fact you hail from Flavortown, your righteously awesome shirts, the memes, all of it.

Well, thanks Robbie, I am a fan of yours too. The ultraviolence, talking with Jesus, making fun of Jenny Myst, those are all the cornerstones. The cornerstones, that is, to any foundation to any building in Flavortown. I am honored.

Excellent!

Ash hands Guy Fieri, of Flavortown, a swag bag as *NEW BOURBON MAN ALERT*IT'S FREAKIN' GUY FIERI* scrolls across the bottom of the screen. Guy Fieri goes and stands beside Cyberjaw, Diamondback, and Corn.

[Image: DtUCPfZ.png]
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