(OOC: Sorry i should’ve coded this to make it a bit easier to follow, maybe I’ll do that after show is posted. Probably not. )

It’s been a long time since I’ve been this fucked up. I figured it would happen sooner or later while hanging out with Noah, the real surprise is Big D being here as well. I don’t like him one bit, but I need him to be ok with this pairing. Through the course of the night both Noah and D brought up some valid points about all of our current placement among the XWF hierarchy.

No matter how much dust Noah and I rile up, nothing happens. It doesn’t matter what we do, because quite frankly management doesn’t care. For ducks sake I’m pretty sure they thought I was dead, but here we are. All three of us hanging out hopes on one another. Sure D and I are for one week, but that one week is all it’s going to take.

I begin to bob my head to the house music playing over the jukebox. Noah comes walking back from the bathroom for the second time. Big D is pattering his fingers on the table to the beat of the music.

“Ok, so the strategy is simple, make sure we win, but if we don’t you eat the pin…”

“Wait why do I have to eat the pin?” D said shooting a look towards me.

“Well, I beat you. It’s only fair…..”

Noah plops down on the seat next to me, slinging an arm over my shoulder. Leaning just a bit too close for comfort.

“Why don’t you fight about it?”

Noah’s arm slips off of my shoulder and he goes crashing to the floor. I can see the bartender looking over. I pull Noah up, and prop him next to me. I give the bartender a quick wave, and then turn back to Noah.

“And you thought we couldn’t hold our liquor. Look at you trying to hang in there like a champ, but you did just give me an idea there Noah.”

Big D stands up and gets in a fighting position.

“I can’t wait to become a double champ again!”

“Sit down..” I said waving my hand towards him. “We’re not going to fight. We all saw how that turned out for you last time….”

“Yeah… Dad got this…” Noah’s eyes light up as he lifts his shirt up revealing the X-Treme title. “He took it from your stupid cunt ass.”

“Damn it Noah! Why the fuck did you bring that!?” Noah looks down and pats the title. I shake my head and lean over towards Noah. “Listen I didn’t bring that because I didn’t want the attention.” I look up over to D, and point towards him. “However it does give me an idea. We will play stupid bar games to figure out who is going to be the ‘Leader’.... it only seems fair.”

Big D looks at me with a crooked look on his face and nods in agreement, or that’s just his usual stupid face. I don’t know, I’m way too drunk to be doing any of this, but is there is one thing I’ve learned over the years it’s how to win at bar games.

“Ok D, I’ll let you pick the first game…”

“Arm wrestling.” Without hesitation. Wait am I getting played here? Am I really that drunk. Whatever I’m game.

I fling my arm up on the table, and rattle all the glasses. I’m holding my hand up and wiggling my fingers. D quickly grabs my hand and begins to squeeze it harder than I’ve ever felt before. Damn I must be hammered. Noah places his hands over ours, and begins to count down.

“3….2….1.”

In an instant D slams my hand down on the table. If I didn’t know any better he’s trying to hurt me, sucks for him, I can’t feel a fucking thing right now. Noah quickly raises my hand up in the air.

“Dad wins.”

“What do you mean by that you little Shit!?” D slams his hands down on the table and stands up to try and intimidate Noah.

“You choose the game, I choose the rules, and we are playing by Aussie House rules. Also known as the Suck It Cunts. Dad wins. His turn.”

I quickly look around the bar. There are a few frat boys hanging out by the dart boards. I point as we all stumble to get up. What the fuck was in those drinks? Whatever it is Noah better keep them coming.

We all walk up to the frat guys and I tap one of them on the shoulder in the most obnoxious manner you can imagine. Think of a Karen trying to get your attention with your back turned.

“What the fuck do you want?” The frat guy said in an angry tone. It didn’t take but a second but I quickly and ‘accidentally’ spilled my drink on his sweet vest.

“Sorry bro, we were just wondering…. oh they are gone… how convenient.” I walk up to the board and yank out all of the darts. I hand three over to D and keep three for myself.

“Seems simple enough. No Noah bullshit. Most points in three throws wins. No multipliers, just raw points. You go first. All three in a row.”

D walks up to the line. He pulls out his first dart, and aims.

Whoosh…….Thud. 15


Whoosh…..Thud. 15

Am I getting played again?

Whoosh…. Thud. 20.

Noah yanks out the darts and continues to stand next to the board.

“Ok Dad. He got fifty.”

I walk up to the line and take my first shot.

Whoosh…..Thud. 1

Oh shit. That’s not good. Fuck. Fuck.

I line up my next shot.

Whoosh…..Clang.

Wait clang? What the fuck is that? Did I miss. I look over to Noah. His mouth was agape. Again not sure if that’s how HE always looks, but then he gave me a quick nod and a thumbs up. I don’t know why, but that calmed me down. Either that or the liquid courage just kicked in. I once again line up my shot.

Whoosh….”OI CUNT!” Thud.

Noah points out to the bar area where the frat guys are standing.. D quickly turns around. Noah pulls out the last dart and jams it in the bullseye. The frat guys look over at us, as I’m just now turning around. There seems to be like six of them, or at least I think there’s six. Who knows at this point. D turns around and looks at the dart board.

“Horse Shit!”

I just shrug and watch at the frat boys slowly advance towards us. Noah walks up behind us and side steps behind D. I glance over to him and he pantomimes what can only be described as “huge”. I shake my head, as they finally reach us.

“Which one of you assholes called us cunts?” The frat guy got right in Big D’s face. He’s fuming, I haven’t known him for long, but I’ve seen that face. I place a hand on D and attempt to move him backwards. I feel a yank on my shirt, and I’m whipped around.

“Was it you you slim shady looking mother fucker!?”

The ogre raised his fist up, that’s when I saw Noah out of the corner of my eye dash towards the door. Tripping over his own feet, knocking over tables, eventually he’s gone.

“Looks like the mouth just left you two with the receipt.”

BAM!

I close my eyes waiting for the impact, but nothing. I slowly open my eyes and there was D grasping the frat guys hand in mid air.

“Listen here. There are two ways we do this. One you walk away and nothing happens, or two…. we do what we do best.” D let’s go of the frat guys hand and steps right into his face. The frat guy turns to walk away, but quickly catches D with a sucker punch. Two other frat guys quickly jump on top of him.

I step back and watch as a bouncer grabs the others that weren’t doing anything and toss them aside like yesterday’s garbage. I hold my hands up as the bouncers approach me, they turn their attention to the others. They were able to grab two of them off of D, but the last one just kept swinging. Big D reached for a bottle, and smashed it across frat guys face, causing glass to shower everywhere.

Big D gets up and Dan Slams the guy to the ground, just as the other two got free of the bouncer and rushed towards him. Honestly I can’t help but feel slightly responsible for this, but I’m not going to stop it. I watch as D holds off one of them, while the other jumps on his back. I watch as D slowly reaches a hand out for me, but I pull away. The look of disappointment across his face really got to me.

One of the frat guys grabbed a chair and was ready to swing it at D’s head. I quickly grabbed it and tossed it aside. I jabbed the throat of the frat guy and tossed him towards the waiting arms of the bouncer. The second guy had D in a rear naked choke hold, walked right up to him. It’s like he didn’t even notice I was there. I pulled a needle out of my pocket, and in an instant, jammed it in, discharged it and put is back in my pocket. The frat guy quickly let go of D, and began to convulse on the floor. The bouncers rushes towards him as I helped D up to his feet.

“So you decided to help?”

I just smile as we stumble towards the door.

“If we remember anything from this night, remember this.” I begin to pat D on the back as he slowly begins to stand up. “Work Smarter, not harder.”

I Whistled for a cab, and tossed Big D in there, and whistled for one myself. I got in and that all lead me to here.

Standing at Noah’s front door. Ok I’m sober-ish. I’m hung over, but boy am I going to make him shit his pants.

I boot the door open with a loud crackle and thud. The light shining behind me like I’m a fucking super hero. I match into Noah’s bedroom.

“Listen here you little shit…. Oh Hi Vita…. where’s Noah?”

Vita quickly points towards the bathroom. I must really enjoy doing this, but I kick that door open.

“Cunt!” Noah quickly covers up his bits and bobbers.

“Listen here you little shit.. If you ever, and I fucking mean EVER, take my shit again I will beat you to the point where you will wish someone called CPS on me! Now pull up your fucking pants, and get your ass out there so Vita can count the fucking pin….”

I turn around, and I can only assume that Noah pulled up his pants and bolted out towards Vita. I walk out there and she’s holding the title. Noah looks at me, and begins to almost beg.

“I’m sorry Dad. I don’t remember what happened last night…. please don’t do anything stupid…” Noah winces and closes his eyes as he watches me rear back. I quickly grab the title from Vita.

“Wait you seriously don’t remember what happened last night?” Noah shakes his head. “Well you damn sure didn’t pin me for this title. We got drunk. Yadda Yadda Yadda, beat up some frat guys, Yadda Yadda, somehow made it home. And now we are here.”

“So… I didn’t?”

“Nope. You guys didn’t?” I gesture with my hands a sex motion.

“No.”

“Too Bad.” I smack Noah on the back of the head lightly as this crisis has been averted.

The Afterthought

Well boy did the two of them have a lot to say or what? I think it’s about time for me to put a little bow on top of this whole charade of a match. I was talking to the Mafia girls on Twitter the other day, and requested a tag team title shot, and was met with.

“So you’re throwing in the towel already on Lethal Lottery?”

I know what you are thinking, what was she talking about? I kept trying to get the date pushed back to the end of January, but that didn’t seem to penetrate their brains at all. Some people might call it looking ahead, and that’s fine.

Just know that I am, not even for one second, looking past Lethal Lottery. Scully and Boris drew the worst pair to go against in the first round. Going up against two champions. One of whom is highly decorated, and the other is just kind of there.

HINT: I’m a fucking Legend.

I’m the one both of you should fear. This match isn’t going to be easy for anyone. This is going to be a fucking battle of wills.

Our will to keep our titles, and yours to not totally shit the bed anymore than you already have. I know that Scully has done some good things here, and kudos go out to him for that ,but speaking of Twitter….

Scully couldn’t help but put his two cents in over there. Calling me slime, when I’m pretty sure he was conceived during a bulkake shoot. He was so in his head that he thought I was talking, mentioning, hinting at anything to do with him? Seriously? I’m leagues ahead of you, you just recently caught my eye. You can bring the whole short bus down to the ring with you, I don’t give a fuck. I plan on beating you so bad, that when it’s over all of those window lickers will look like fucking Einstein compared to you. You’ll not only be their owner, but also a member.

Get it? It’s a hair club for men reference.

I wouldn’t expect you to think anything less than what you already think of me, and that’s fine. You want to call me a bell end? That’s cool. Bottom line is, I’ve got two things right this instant that you don’t. One being the title I proudly carry, and two being that Legend I love to bring up and throw in everyone’s face.

Why do I do that? Honestly? I’m an egomaniac. I love talking about myself. I love throwing my accomplishments in others faces. I am Independence Day, and you’re After Earth. I’m Bad Boys, and you’re Blight. I’m top shelf, your Costco brand. I’ll forever be a Legend, and you’ll forever be known as lesser than me.

Speaking of way lesser than myself, how are you doing Boris? Still enjoying your Vodka? Good for you. I know that English isn’t your first language, and that’s fine. Not everyone is perfect. Sure you can call me old…

Wait that’s it? That’s all you’ve got to talk about is how I am old? Seriously? You’re saying the same shit that everyone has said since I’ve come back. Get some new material Boris…

Wait you guys only got McDonalds in the 90’s? What a sad pathetic existence to have to live. Sure I may not have grown up in the nicest of places, but damn to not even have a Mickey D’s is just… wow… I’m sorry. If I would’ve known that… fuck I understand why all you Slav’s do is get drunk all day. It’s making me depressed just thinking about it.

When I said you and I have a few things in common, I feel as if I misspoke. Your actions are similar to mine, and I know what happens next in your little story. You will win a few little matches, then you’ll grow an ego and start to punch out of your weight class. Hello little featherweight, my name is reality and this heavyweight is about to smack your dumbass back to earth.

Now trust me there’s nothing wrong with having an ego, fuck you need it, but you also can’t allow it to control you. Overton thought he was better than me, wrong. Mastermind thought he was better than me, double wrong there. You say I am taking you lightly? You are correct. I don’t think you have what it takes to stand toe to toe with me. I don’t think for one single second you can make me question that either.

Let me tell you this Boris, I don’t think you’re the weak link on your team. For fuck’s sake you’re teaming with Scully. No, I in fact don’t think you are the weak link, I KNOW you are. You walk in here, and think anyone gives a flying fuck about you? You really think anyone cares that you won a fucking boat race? Does anyone give a fuck about you? No.

The world doesn’t revolve around you just because the room won’t stop spinning.

#CleverPunandDryWit #ICarryABigD #ShortBusDestroyer