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Boris · (11-01-2019)

Do you know of the firebird, blin?

In my country, it is known as Ohnivak. It is something to seek, and something to fear. It is very interesting folklore, comrades. In many different stories, Ohnivak is being hunted, or being chased. Everyone wants Ohnivak, blin, but it comes as at price. Ohnivak can also cause destruction. It can burn down entire village, and ruin entire batch of potato.

Stories of Ohnivak are told to Slav children around the world, and have been for many year. It is same way American parents say “be careful what you wish for.” Things we think we want may destroy us.

What does this have to do with Boris? Well, if it is not obvious, blin, then I will tell you…Boris is just like Ohnivak.

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Everyone think they want to fight me, blin. They think “oh, silly Boris, he is no good. It is easy win.” I have heard that many times since I have come here. I have also heard people say I am from Russia, which I must stress again, I am not, but that is for another time. They see tracksuit, and ushanka, and fact that I have not wrestled much, and think “he does not belong here.”

Aye, but that is where you are wrong. There is no place Boris would rather be than Federation of Xtreme Wrestlers. And so far, I have proven to be much better than people expected. I won in first main event in Bahamas, and I won in first Anarchy match last week. Boris is, as Americans would say, “on a roll.” Just like Ohnivak, if you try to mess with Boris, he will steal your potato. You may think you want fight, but oh cyka, am I ready for that.

Just like I am ready for Anarchoween. Slavs do not do Halloween. Our lives are scary enough without the witches and the ghosts blin. But if boss wants Boris to put feathers on his tracksuit and dress as Ohnivak, I am happy to oblige – after all, the International Slav Superstar gives the people what they want.

I have two opponent, which is typical. Since I have come to Federation of Xtreme Wrestlers, Boris has yet to fight anyone one on one. Is somewhat frustrating, but it will happen. I hope to fight for Anarchy Championship, though I do not know who even holds belt right now blin. If I win this week, people will have to take notice in Boris.

One opponent is Mini Morbid, a crazy little man who uses much profane language. People think Boris is not serious wrestler, and here is this man, acting like total debil. He yells more than he talks. That must hurt his throat blin. And I also wonder what he is so angry about. Maybe he is angry that he is Mini Morbid, and not Regular Morbid. If I were Mini Boris and not regular Boris, I would be angry to blin.

Is ok, because Mini Morbid wrestle like pure blyat. He is no good. He is in match because he needs to be, but he will learn the power of Boris soon enough. I have yet to show the world the power of the Cheeki Breeki. Oy, I have been working on move for years blin. Young Boris would use it to fight little gopniks who wanted to steal babushka’s jam at lunchtime. Maybe world can see move on Mini Morbid.

There is also Sane Morrison, who I am told is a zombie. I do not understand what that mean blin. Is he like cat? Does he have nine lives? This I do not know. But is no big deal. Sane can be whatever he wishes, but he will never be Slav.

Sane may eat brains, but does he eat mayonez? He may drink blood, but does he drink vodka. Until Sane does these things, he will never have power of Slav. He is just another debil who will fall to Boris.

Perhaps I should not say such things. I am told that Sane is actually pretty good blin. Maybe he can wrestle. He is definitely better than blyat Mini Morbid. But if he is so good, why is he not fighting for title blin? If he is zombie, and if he is good wrestler, who could defeat him? Aye, the answer is, many people! That is because Sane is not as good as they say. He is just another test for Boris to get through on my way to claiming the Anarchy Championship on behalf of Slavs everywhere! Cyka blyat, no one will stop Boris – not TUGS, not Mini Morbid, and not Sane.

I do not know about Iowa blin. I hear it is better place than West Virginia, and they have cheap beer. This is all I need comrades. Trust me – I once had great week long vacation in Latvia. If you ever go to Latvia…and I know you won’t…you will see there is not much there blin, but beer is super cheep, and they have good mayonez. I can not comment on mayonez in Iowa, but so far…you haver disappointed me, America. You have disappointed me with mayonez.

Never fear, Boris is here, and the Patron Saint of Vodka is ready to continue his assent on Anarchy. Oppa, and stay cheeki breeki!

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