"Welcome, hot stuff!" Shane's excited greeting pelts you so hard in the face out of nowhere that you flinch and have to blink a few times to clear the feeling of unidentified spray from your eyes. "Take a seat right over there in that nutsac clamper," he offers in a much more refined, cooled tone while he grabs a trippio barrel glass bong from the round sunflower yellow table in front of him. You recognize the "nutsac clamper" as a bright orange womb chair which, luckily, has far less stains than the sofa Shane's exposed and glistening body is contaminating just as equally as the sofa is no doubt contaminating him.


"I call it the nutsac clamper because it just hugs the living hell out of my big ass balls but you probably won't have that problem since it's a known fact nobody on this planet is cursed with watermelons as large as what I've got dangling," explains Shane as he spreads his legs and reveals what indeed are the largest human balls you've ever laid eyes on in your entire life. They're smooth and shiny, but with veins popping out from each nut belly that resemble water hoses. They appear so full, swollen and stretched to near transparency in some spots that you wouldn't be surprised to see them pop like pimples King Kong may have had on his ass. You're fully aware that if sacs that full were to burst, you'd most likely drown before you could make your escape from the room, but you're just too fascinated to make your exit... so you take a seat in the womb chair and watch as Shane takes a hit from that giant bong.


"I bet you're wondering," Shane begins after inhaling some smoke, but then proceeds to inhale much more of that worryingly black smoke before he holds it in his lungs and barely squeaks out, "how I've managed to break through."


You're wondering how he's managed to break through? Admittedly, you're not even sure what he means as you continue to let your eyes explore the room. One thing you are wondering as your gaze meets the walls is who could ever come up with such a hideous green and blue swirled wallpaper design. Much to your surprise, Shane supplies an answer of "I came up with it myself, asshole." Your eyes shoot back toward Shane's as you feel the heat of his vision penetrating the deepest, sexiest depths of your thoughts and desires. You know he's fondling your feelings and you don't like it one bit as he quickly brings the conversation back to, "but don't forget the way you don't know how I've broken through," and he finally exhales the massive cloud of smoke he had been holding in his lungs since hitting that bong. The smoke is nowhere near as thick and dark as when it made its way up through the clear chamber of the bong, almost as if Shane's body has purified it by eagerly absorbing the most toxic and dangerous components of whatever crazy-ass drug he's smoking.


"How am I the one in charge right now? How am I behind the wheel, so to speak?" - The voice was deeper, rougher, and more aggressive than the one you had been greeted with. It was almost as if it wasn't even Shane's. He leans back on the sofa and brings his right arm up in front of him, twisting his wrist as if he's driving a 1963 Cadillac Coupe DeVille convertible with that sexy ass sky blue and pink paint job. It's almost as if you see that specific vehicle surrounding his naked body for a split second, even though you in no way were thinking of that vehicle a moment ago nor had he said it by name.


A flash of... no, there's no flash. It must have just been your eyes getting dried from all the smoke in the room and you were forced to blink hard and unexpectedly. "Don't concern yourself..." Shane begins to say in that deeper voice before he wipes a thick ass layer of sweat that was racing down his face and swats it away with an audible splat as it sprinkles the wall to his left. "...with the lives you could never have," and now his voice had returned to normal and his eyes have seemingly doubled in size. It's very clear there's some potent shit dancing and dangling about.


"You're here to find out my intentions in the HIGH AS FUCK SHANE match coming up on Savage, because we all know I'm going to be doing a lot more than merely floating around over the ring like Superman." You welcome Shane bringing this down to Earth and finally getting to the meat you've been waiting to sink your teeth into as Shane adjusts his wet balls and gets a little more comfortable. It is with a bit of a smirk and chuckle that he offers, "Well the fact of the matter is that I've already made it known that my intentions are pretty simple, yet not. In other words, they're complicated because of how easy they are to see. Anyone who pays any attention at all saw me offer my services to Brian Storm in any way management saw fit to place me, whether it be in a managerial role or an incredibly biased and full of shit guest referee. What did they do, though? They gave me a position even I didn't think to ask for as I'll be looking down onto Brian Storm and Jack Avery as if they are my obedient creations and I am their GODS."


Looking straight at this camera for the only time today, "I said GodsszzAH!" - The way he stressed the pluralnessessess(?) of that word couldn't even be missed by someone as goddamn oblivious as Chronic Chris Page, but why?


With his hand to his chin, he ponders... "But do we know of Brian Storm and Jack Avery's beliefs? Do we know their stance when it comes to accepting and obeying those powers we all must breathe in and submit to many times over, even within a single rotation of the second-hand?" Now leaning forward and resting his elbow upon his bare knee, his tone changes and becomes much more condescending and cocky as, "Because I'll be perfectly honest in that I simply don't have a clue where either of them lay OR lie... why? Because it's not for me to lower myself to such a level that I'd unlock that information to this mind that contains so much more important and sensitive keys to the One-Song you call your UniVerse."


Shane dips a hand rolled "cigarette" into a glass of what smells like gasoline and sets it aside to let it dry as he explains that "you should never light one of these while they're still wet."


"Now as for Brian," speaking in a more standard, informative tone now... "Yes it was he that we chose by name to open the door to this situation that will no doubt distract and confuse the simple minded masses with its sheer absurdity and obnoxiousness, but that doesn't mean Jack Avery can't win this one over." - And it was the way he strained as "this one" was said that really caught your attention as Shane paused for a moment.


"We may all have varying degrees of passion and at times a conflicting nature of the theory of entangled evolution but we all agree to move in the same general definition of 'forward' while the pieces are polished and pushed at a rapid pace." Shane's pupils are like black holes and he hasn't blinked for some time now, even despite the few stray droplets of sweat that had purged his eyebrows and sank into those two abysses.


He cranks his neck and rotates his left shoulder before grabbing his jaw and seemingly adjusting it. After a long awaited blink of his eyes that is oddly satisfying to you after seeing him go so long without one, he looks deep into your eyes as his own pupils return to normal. He reaches to the table and grabs his glasses, wipes them off with a very questionable looking rag that was on the floor, and puts them on. "Ah, there you are!" Shane exclaims with a warm rubbing of his palms together. "Why don't you do me a favor? Why don't you let Jack Avery know that I'm going to bleed him dry on Savage? That is... unless he comes to me with an offer that appeals to Shane . Everyone has a chance with me - I'm very open and understanding... and I've been known to occasionally betray even myself. What more could one ask for? Who could possibly be less biased than a man who will stab himself in his back even before he'll happily stab his own friends and family in theirs? This is what every man should strive to see but so few have the ability to be."


"Brian Storm is going to march into Savage Saturday Night and have his way with Jack Avery as I shower them both from above."


"Whichever man is the one to release me from above and lower me down into the ring will see the contents of their opponent's body flung throughout the arena and soaked into the ring canvas. I will play as fair as I ever have."


"Remember the stipulation, gentlemen - 'First man to release Shane and use his help to beat his opponent wins' - and I can assure you that stipulation WILL stand just as hard as one falls. Without MY help, you DO NOT win. Period."


"I just hope what I see in your promos before next Saturday can help me make the right decision so nobody gets fucked over."


"I'll be watching, boys..." says Shane as blackness momentarily consumes you. You feel a hand on your thigh as the prick of a needle welcomes you back to 2019, and thankfully there is no sign of a naked Shane or a repulsive green and blue wallpaper... but why the hell is that smell of raw, open ass so strong in the air?