[We see a poolside in what appears to be an apartment complex in the sun, sat around it are various people on sun loungers enjoying the obvious benefits of what looks like exclusive accommodation. The camera pans round to show Brian O’Haire put down a big pile of paper. “confidential script - do not share” is written across the front page in large typeface.

A woman glad in a white polo shirt and shorts comes towards him with a tray with a beverage on it and serves it to him. He nods with thanks and hands her some money by way of a tip. She smiles and thanks him as she toddles off to do the rest of her work. Brian turns to face the camera]

Brian O’Haire: What a lovely ride!
Your penis is a thrill!
Your penis is a Cadillac
A giant Coupe DeVille!
Your penis packs a wallop, your penis brings a load!
And when it makes delivery...
It needs its own zipcode
Nine-Double Zero, Penis!

Cameron Diaz, Selma Blair, Christina Applegate, The sweetest thing. 2002.... Mr Gilmour, Peter F’N Gilmour. The man with one of the most adored penis’ in the world, and that’s just self appreciation. If people only so cared for the world as much as you care for your throbbing member, then we’d be in a much better position. Climate change, pah, never mind that, how about a vascular, masculine penis the like of yours, it could CHANGE THE WORLD. Or so you would believe. Peter my friend. Your penis is not the be all and end all. Hell I can’t believe I’m even cutting a promo on a mans sausage but they told me to advance in this business I may have to do some things I don’t like. So I guess I gotta talk dick to you. I gotta speak to you in a language that you’ll acknowledge and listen to.

[Brian shrugs]

Brian O’Haire: There’s no denying that you are quite the specimen Peter. You are chiselled. You are rugged. You have success. You are regularly having sex with females ranging from incredible to questionable. You have made a name for yourself around her and no one really questions your masculinity because frankly, no one has had need or want to. You’ve got your niche and you enjoy it. You get off on it and you enjoy the ego masturbation that comes along with it. But let’s take a step back for a minute. When it all gets said and done, what actually are you? Are you a man? Are you a wrestler? Or are you just a big penis? All girth and no brawn and beauty and skill? I think that. Frankly, your obsession with your member is something that while admirable, is frightening because I feel that while you pedal this bravado, you lose focus of what matters and that’s skill in the ring... and no, mr rinky dinky, not that ring. The ring In which we will meet at relentless day 2.
[Brian sips from the beverage that was delivered to him earlier.]

Brian O’Haire: Let’s make one thing perfectly clear. You said that and I quote “strut about like I’m all that”. Do you know why that is? Because I fucking am. I am all that. I’m all that and a whole lot more. But at the same time, while I know I am a specimen and “all that” I can also safely say I have been more than humble since I arrived here in the XWF. I have much to learn. I openly admitted that I underestimated people. I openly admitted that I may have been a bit foolhardy in my opening gambit here. But I have never ever shirked from the fact that I’m the new guy around here. I’m the pretender. I’m just another guy from another industry who thinks he can do this. But the more I sit around in the XWF and look around, I realise that I am supposed to be here. Hell, I’m only three matches into my career here at the XWF and I’m being asked to headline an event for charity because they KNOW the bang someone of my stature can bring to an event.... I’ll come to that soon incidentally. But for now. I am all that and more Peter. I am beginning to recognise that. I am humble. I am a realist but goddamnit, I am all that, because I can back it up.

[Brian sips from his drink and heads towards the pool]

Brian O’Haire: yo, boys in the truck. Hit me with some slowmo, sexy framing for this....

[Brian dives into the pool, swims a breadth then hoists himself out. In slow motion he emerges from the pool, water sliding down his body slowly, glistening.]


Brian O’Haire: I can look sexual too. Just look at this. Look how I glisten. Look how I sheen in the sun. Does this make your magnificent dick hard Mr Gilmour? Or does it make you want to kill me because you know that someone is packing more heat than you?

[Brian heads back over to the lounger. Lies back down, still wet from the pool]


Brian O’Haire: I look forward to your response at Relentless.

[Brian sips his drink]

Brian O’Haire: Then we have BORIS. A man who, well, we don’t know a great deal about. But I guess, since he’s involved in this match, I need to give him some of my time. From what I can tell, he’s a simple little soul. Obsessed with, well, Vodka. Let me put it in simple terms for you Boris in a language you’ll understand... “I’mski going to-Sikov fuck-itov you up-ski. Vodka vodka vodka.

[A lady walks towards Brian. She has an envelope on a tray. And hands it to Brian ]

Waitress: For you sir... a message.

[Brian opens the letter. A look of rage comes across his face. He picks up his phone and calls someone ]

Brian O’Haire: I thought I told you to deal with this.... no excuses.... it ends.....


[The scene fades out with Brian slamming his phone down. ]
-fin-