Noah Jackson Saves The Kids: Part One

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Brooklyn, New York. Late Night, after Thursday Night Anarchy.
I sit at this scuffed pizza place with Vita, enjoying some delicious cheese pizza. Gotta say, not fucking bad. Haven't even seen a pube. Don't understand why New York is renowned for having amazing pizza; like it's good cunts not gonna lie but it ain't got shit on Melbourne's own. Top pizza. I devour the rest of this slice and lean back on seat, stretching my arms and looking to VV who is dabbing the napkin across her lips.

"Gotta say, cunt. This place was a shout."

"A shout?"

She says covering her food-filled mouth.

"A good call."

"Ah, gotcha."

The conversation quickly dwindles. VV finishes the last slice which I wanted but y'know, whatever, it's fine! I grab my phone off the table and send a text to dad.

"Who do you keep texting?"

"Dad. Wanna see is he's coming or not, he said 'we'll see' when I asked him to join us. Think the cunts disappointed in me."

"Why do you think that?"

I scratch the side of my head as I look out the large window to the quiet street outside.

"Because of smoking."

VV leans an elbow on the table, her palm pushing against her cheek as she looks at me.

"Well, you did smoke 20 cigarettes within half an hour."

"I was pissed, cunt! I thought everything was a good idea."

"Haha, you were pretty drunk. I doubt Fuzz is disappointed in you though, I think it may be something else."

I squint at the cunt.

"And what's that, cunt?"

VV places her chin on both her clasped hands.

"I don't think he wanted to chaperone a date."

I pull my head back with a raised eyebrow.

"This isn't a date."

"Huh-huh."

"... It's not!"

VV grins and relaxes back against the seat.

"If you say so, Noah."

She says in a singsong. I scoff and look away but can't help but pull a smirk and make a quiet chuckle. I see a large, vaguely middle-eastern looking cunt waddle towards us. He scratches the messy stubble stretching over all three of his chins and comes close with a smile. The overpowering stench of cheap aftershave mixed with what can only be described as 'kitchen stank' is almost unbearable.

BIG CUNT: "You two enjoyed your meal."

"It was sick, thanks!"

VV looks to me for approval, which she gains as I give an impressed nod. The fat cunt chortles, his belly shaking under his once-white apron. He begins to collect our plates.

BIG CUNT: "That is very good, happy to know one of the last meals I will serve was a good one."

VV quirks her eyebrows.

"Oh why's that?"

I look to her and kick her shin under the table.

"OW!"

Through my teeth I whisper to her.

"Don't engage him, cunt."

The fat lad sighs and places a hand on his hip. Great, here we fucking go.

BIG CUNT: "I may have to close the place down soon." He says with a heavy heart. "Too many big companies now for Old Hashem to keep up with."

I slowly blink looking at the cunt, happy I was right saying he was middle-eastern looking and it wasn't just me being racist.

"How shit works, cunt. Maybe you can be a driver for Dominos when they take over this shit hole."

He looks to me like a sad walrus... Don't ask how I know what a sad walrus looks like. I'll say it was just a depressing day at the zoo... Man, never thought a pelican could just nick a baby so easily.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Hashem."

Fucking hell she is too nice for her own good. Makes me think how crazy this cunt actually is when she turns the switch in the fed and becomes a vicious fucker.

BIG CUNT: "It is okay my friend. I am more worried about where the children here will seek refuge here."

I was wondering about the cast of Saved by the Bell in the corner booth. Only other cunts here.

"I'd be grateful if I could stop those cunts from coming in."

"... Isn't it like past midnight? Those kids shouldn't be out."

"V." She turns around to me. "You're 17, cunt."

"And you're an asshole!"

She says with a smile.

BIG CUNT: "I shall introduce you!"

I double-take.

"No, cunt, don't do that!"

BIG CUNT: "Nonsense." Like a wrecking ball, he swings his weight to the group of four. "Kids! Come say hello to my new friends."

I sink into my seat and drag my hands down my face.

"Fuuuuuuuuckkkk meeeee CUUUUUUUUUNTS!!!"

Even VV sighs.

"It's okay, can we just pay and go, please?"

But it's too late. The autism train has already arrived at the station. These cunts roll up looking like Vinnie Lane's bastard children with as much charisma as a Ned Kaye promo. They all look around 30 but must be 15 years old... At least I fucking hope they are if Jabba the Cunt is calling them kids. The first cunt says.

RADICAL CUNT: "Whaddup dudes."

In the utmost fucking seriousness. Not a fucking hint of irony behind his shutter shades. Yes, cunts. FUCKING SHUTTER SHADES. And a white boiler suit with purple lightning bolts! The fuck kind of hellscape did I end up in. VV looks to me with genuine worry in her eyes. I swear to god I will kill this bitch for dragging me here.

RADICAL CUNT: "My name's Zach! And this is my crew."

His fucking crew.

RADICAL CUNT: "Snakey J."

What?

SNAKEY CUNT: "Sup! They call me Snakey J because I move like a snake!"

This cunt begins to do the cringiest body-popping shit I have ever had the displeasure to see. He looks like a young and less tolerable Will Smith. Gotta say, loving the zebra pants though. VV looks very puzzled.

"Snakes aren't really known for throwing their limbs out in weird rhythms but okay."

"Yeah, they usually, y'know." I put my palms together and make a slithering motion. "Slide around on their tummies, cunt."

This stops the cunt dead. Whose next to hope of this train of reasons for pro-abortion?

RADICAL CUNT: "Up next we have my homeslice, Skinny P."

SKINNY P: "Yo yo yo yo! Skinny P in the hizz-house!"

This one beatboxes. Delightful!

"Seriously, we can just pay and leave."

VV pleads with fat cunt. I, however, have accepted my fate. I look forward to deepthroating a shotgun barrel very soon. Perhaps for my last act, I'll cast aside my selfish persona and do VV a favour, line my head against hers and end her suffering also. Like a top cunt.

RADICAL CUNT: "And lastly, we got Molly."

The nerdy one. Her ginger mess of hair tied into a bun, she slides her oversized glasses up the bridge of her nose and gives a wave. At least this cunt is quiet. They settle down.

"Hey. I'm Vita and that's Noah."

"Sick. Can we fuck off now?"

I throw a thumb back to the door as I speak to Hasham or whatever. As I do, the bell connected to the door chimes. I look back but I wish I didn't. Zach's posture changes.

RADICAL CUNT: "Oh great, these buttheads."

My face drops and I look down to the table. Man, I could use a smoke.

FOREIGN CUNT: "Well, well, well. If it isn't the uber-nerds!"

I want to cry. VV places a hand on mine, I look to her and she mouths 'we can get through this.' But can we? Why are we here? Just to suffer?

SNAKEY CUNT: "What are you doing here, Fernando?"

I look back at the cunts that just walked in. They're dressed head to toe in identical but colour swapped polo shirts, slacks and sweaters draped over their shoulders. The three of them walk over with a cocky aura. The two behind Fernando, one is wearing classic 3D glasses and the other is wearing a bucket hat, assigning them as henchmen in my mind. Fernando wipes a finger and thumb over his pube-stache.

FOREIGN CUNT: "I'm just checking in on this future demolition site before my father turns it into my own personal discotheque which you losers are not invited into!"

He and his boys laugh. Personal disco, that's fair ripper. Might have to add that to my gaff.

SKINNY CUNT: "Hey Fern, why don't you make like a tree... And leave!"

The rest of the crew 'ooh' and give Skinny cunt low fives. I tilt my head thinking that diss wasn't half bad, works after calling him Fern which is a type of plant plus bonus points for the dramatic pause. They're annoying cunts but you got to give credit for the layers involved. I look to my left in the hopes me and V can just sneak out but these cunts are blocking the path and I can't get copped for knocking out teenagers... Not again. Fernando gets all pissy.

FOREIGN CUNT: "Why don't you eat kaka! EH!?"

He gives the good old crotch chops. Nice. This cunt is growing on me.

NERDY CUNT: "Buzz off, Fern! We just want a place to hang!"

FOREIGN CUNT: "Oh the girl can speak! You can hang my dudes. Don't mind me."

The foreign cunt wanders over to the counter and places an arm down.

RADICAL CUNT: "We would chill, man, but you kinda harshing the vibe!"

FOREIGN CUNT: "Me harsh vibes? How could I? Unless I break a few things!"

He throws his arm away, hurling a singular glass to the checkered floor. The autists beside me freak the fuck out.

BIG CUNT: "Woah, buddy! Not cool!"

Zach throws his arm out to me and places a palm up. I raise an eyebrow.

RADICAL CUNT: "Woah, Noah! Calm down, dude!"

"You what, cunt?"

NERDY CUNT: "Yeah, Noah! He's not worth it!"

My jaw drops a little as I look between everyone.

"Cunt I am just sitting here!"

FOREIGN CUNT: "Oh?" The cunt saunters closer to me with a glare. "The nerd crew has a new uber-nerd, jah? Well Aussie-nerd? What you gonna do, huh!?"

I look to VV who just throws her arms up. I look back to Fern.

"What the fuck is happening right now!?"

FOREIGN CUNT: "I'll tell you what's happening Aussie-nerd! An ultimatum. You want to be the big tough guy for your friends here, I'll give you a chance to prove it."

"I think you've misread the situation here."

I shoot my hands in VV's direction, urging Fern to listen because I don't have a fucking clue whats going on cunts.

FOREIGN CUNT: "Oh no! I know what is happening, just fine. So, Noah. You versus me! You win, you get to keep your nerd hangout here but if I win. I take your girl on a date!"

Everyone 'oohs' and looks to me. I take a deep breath and compose myself.

"Firstly, cunt. Not my girl." I look to VV and places a finger up, staring a hole through her. I let it linger for a moment before turning back to this cunt. "Secondly, win what?"

He laughs.

FOREIGN CUNT: "Same way we settle all things were I come from... WE SKI!"

Ski?

"Ski?"

FOREIGN CUNT: "Jah."

"In fucking New York?"

FOREIGN CUNT: "Jah."

"In September?"

FOREIGN CUNT: "Jah! What part of this do you not understand?"

"Basically everything, cunt."

FOREIGN CUNT: "Pft, you are so simple. Simple nerds!"

I sigh. I look to VV and in some kind of mental connection, we realise the only way out of this fucking pizza place is to accept. Fuck me. I want to die.

"Fine, cunt! I accept."

The crew beside me cheer and take turns clapping and rolling my shoulder. They stop real fucking sharpish when I try and bite one of the cunts. Fern laughs sadistically.

FOREIGN CUNT: "Coolio! See you nerds on the slopes! Enjoy your loser party!"

The three cunts walk out backwards all cocky like and finally fucking leave. Big cunt looks at me with a tear in his eye.

BIG CUNT: "Thank you, Noah. You could save my business."

"No wuckas, cunt, can we go now?"

RADICAL CUNT: "C'mon guys! Let's hear it for Noah! HIP HIP!"

"NO! FUCK OFF!" I stand up and barge pass the cunts and shoot a look to VV. "VV, we're leaving, mate."

"Cool!" Vita stands up and squeezes past the fuckers and walks away with me. She briefly turns around. "Nice to meet you?" She says with some hesitation before turning back to me and whispering. "Fucking weirdos."

The bell chiming sounds our release from hell. We leave the establishment are greeted by the cold air and smell of piss. I adjust my bomber jacket as VV rubs her arms.

"Pretty cold tonight, eh?"

I look to her.

"Yeah, you should have brought a jacket, cunt."

"Hm... So you're not actually helping those idiots, right?"

"Am I fuck!? Fuck those cooked cunts!"

VV laughs in some kind of strange relief.

"Right!? I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone."

"Too right. I'll drive you back to your hotel, mate."

VV gets close beside me and holds my arm with a yawn.

"Thanks."

"No wuckas."

We walk around the side of the building and I take the keys out of my pocket but my heart drops as I here a smash. I race around the corner to see those little fucking cunts breaking the windshield of the 'beast cunt!' My beautiful baby Golf! They see me fall to my knees and scatter with horrid laughs. I look to my beloved. My poor girl. What have they done to you. VV places a hand on my shoulder.

"Noah... Calm down."

I throw my arms to the sky and cry out in a hellish scream, tearing the clouds asunder unleashing all my sick cunt energy! It punches that cunt, God in the face and curses him for all of eternity for shitting the abomination that is human life down on this Earth!

"I'll fucking kill em!!! I'll fucking saw the cunts fucking legs off and shove them down the cunts throats!!! FUCKING SHIT CUNTS!!!!"

To be continued...

---

"... That happened."

I take a sip of VB as I chill in my home.

"Life is fucking strange, right cunts?"

"When I was an ankle-biter, I dreamed of being a wrestler. I used to stay up late to watch tapings of old XWF shows and I was so happy when I saw Steve Jason, the original pride of Australia, walk into the ring and kick some ass. Cunt was my hero. He made me WANT to be a wrestler."

"And many, many years later. I made that dream come true."

"I started off at 15 in some scuffed indie promotion. Worked my ass off in there."

"Sold tickets on the street, help set up and take down the ring."

"Wrestle like a sick cunt."

"Clean up after the show."

"Go home and wake up in time for school tomorrow with a new batch of bruises."

"All that hard work got me noticed."

"Moved up a rung to a slightly less shitty promotion where I just wrestled."

"This was when I was in college where I didn't want to disappoint my mum and made sure I hade something to fall back on. This to me was Physical Education."

"Level 3 certificate, cunts."

"Once I graduated, I flirted with the idea of Uni but declined because fuck that. New promotion, keep the dream alive."

"Worked harder and got a part-time job at Hungry Jacks."

"Fucked hours but had enough time to do three shows a week at different high school gyms around the Victoria area."

"Then finally."

"XWF came calling and I picked up the phone with more enthusiasm I've ever felt in my entire life."

"All of the work."

"All the bruises."

"The broken off relationships with girls to focus on wrestling."

"The broke ankle that I thought would be the end of it all."

"The shitty pay."

"All finally working out in my favour to be here."

"To be a star in the XWF."

"To follow the same steps as my heroes."

"Steve Jason."

"Fuzz."

"K-Money."

"Finally, I made it."

"..."

"And now I'm in a match where some cunt's cat is on the line."

"..."

"You ever feel like you took a left turn when you should have made a right?"

"Like, yeah, I called for that match to have this stip. I wanna make a joke out of things now because XWF wants to play the punchline no matter what. Shit's busted, cunt. They want to shit on their talent and hide shit behind a curtain, fuck it, cunt. I'll play. I don't give a shit about your titles anymore, you gift them to who you think will wear them better."

"Meanwhile, I'll gut punch Ned Kaye in a way he never saw coming."

"I'll make the shit cunt feel."

"I'll make the shit cunt care."

"I'll rip the only glimmer of hope in the sad cunt's life."

"Twice we met each other in the ring before and neither time did he get the win but neither time did he get pinned."

"First time I showed the fucking world how sick I am."

"I pinned Centurion before people realised how nice it will be to take a piece out of him. I pinned him. I ruined that cunt's glorious comeback. Then Ned leeched off him because that is what Ned Kaye does. He doesn't set trends, he's a fucking parasite. He hangs on to others and sucks their fucking blood, hoping and wishing their star power will rub off on him."

"He paid Gator to make a mockery of him and called it training."

"He leapt at the chance to hold Apex's bags just for the chance it'll make him a bigger name."

"Apex got him into the Leap of Faith match."

"And he stole the win."

"By a nut's hair."

"He's not good."

"He's lucky."

"And I can fuck around with skiing against cunts and cracking the same jokes I'm known for because no matter what it's not going to change a thing."

"That Top Cunt here is getting better and better while Ned has burned out just like his Apex buddies. What got him noticed? Twitter. Where the fuck has that passion gone?"

"Where has those wins gone?"

"Where have the whispers of him being the next big thing gone?"

"The same way he's going at Relentless."

"Into the water and down the fucking drain."

FORMER:



W | L | D
226 | 11 | 81

Star of the Month (August 2019)
1/3 Star of the Month (January 2020) with Fuzz and our Subaru
RP of the Month (November 2019) with Big Disappointment