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Lacklan · (08-23-2019)

“Oh, for the LOVE of-!”

Sarah Grey-Lacklan bursts through a set of doors leading from the Centurylink Arena and into the back. Anarchy was technically over, with the main event having finished, but the crowd and cameras were still there. Drenched in sweat from her exertion against Vita Valenteen, and with the Anarchy Championship around her waist, Sarah scowls at one of the monitors. Chris Page and his cronies were making their very...very…slow way down the aisle, keeping themselves upright and erect with the aid of walkers. She WAS glad to see that Bill Blakk was able to use his walker instead of his Old Person Brand scooter, but she shook her head at seeing that Famine was back to using TWO canes. And as they blatantly turn up their hearing aids so that the polite golf clap offered to them by the fans in Idaho sound like a massive reaction, she rolls her eyes nearly to the back of her head-

“YOU!”

-and sees Vinnie Lane, still wearing his headset from his announcing duties, with a broom in his hand and sweeping the floors. His eyes go wide behind his oversized fluorescent pink sunglasses and he tries to scramble away, but the Firestarter is too quick. She skips over to him with eyes full of fire. Her contacts showed green eyes with flecks of red underneath as they caught the light, and the skin around her eyes wavered slightly, a sign that she had been wearing the thick lenses for too long already.

“Will you PLEASE stop with all this TRASH?!”

She pokes a finger into his chest as she stares up at him, her nails lacquered black with the red and orange flames as usual, and then points at the broom in his hand.

“If you are going to use that broom...then USE IT! Just LOOK at all the ash and dust out in my ring right now! I see naught but skeletons ready to return to the Earth! Its like Skeletor invited the dude who chose poorly in The Last Crusade over for a gang bang!”

Vinnie opens his mouth, probably to defend the bunch of one-and-doners, but Sarah moves on too quickly.

“But at LEAST there was no stupid Hooded Man bullshit today!”

Sarah leans back to stand up straighter, tossing her head to flip her braid over a shoulder and lift her chin ever so slightly.

“Of course, YOU had NOTHING to do with there NOT being the same dumb messages over and over and over and over again. It was all because of-”

Sarah snaps her fingers and out of the Abyss come two hulking shapes, one wide and the other tall and muscular.

“-the Mad Rhymes Protection Agency! Hooded Loser can talk about ‘control’ all he wants, but WE know the TRUTH! WE know that he RAN for cover when he saw that Bobbi and Max were on the case!”

Bobbi turns her back to Max and holds her fingers up in a gun position, just as Max turns her back as well and holds a fist out in a punch. Sarah spreads her arms out wide, the lace of her wrestling gear falling like a firebird’s wings. Vinnie groans audibly at the Charlie’s Angels pose.

“The Hooded Loser KNEW that he couldn’t do a DAMN THING with the MRPA here! He...or she...or it...KNEW that it was a FOOL’S ERRAND to try ANYTHING silly like he has been doing! There are NO ruined dresses! There are NO fires or floods! There are NO surprises dropped from on high for my Beloved to giggle about FOR FREAKIN’ WEEKS! Instead, I’m sure there will just be ANOTHER ‘cryptic’ message broadcast on whatever second tier cable company would be dumb enough to carry XWF television. There will just be ANOTHER post on my social media boards! Because that is ALL he is! Blunder and bullshit!

“Oh! And ANOTHER thing!”

[color=##e909a3]Baby you got me like ah, woo, ah
Don't you stop loving me [/color]

Sarah cuts off from her latest rant as a beautiful voice fills the air. She holds out her hand and Max holds out Sarah’s purse. The tips of two white bunny ears poke out as Sarah rummages through her purse.

“...where the hell is...oh! There it is!”

She pulls out something which, for those paying attention, is the bombshell of the year, the jaw-dropping moment in all of creation, something WAY more shocking than ANY reveal there has ever been:

An iPhone

“...goddamnit...how do you ANSWER this stupid thing…”

Vinnie shares a look of confusion with Mad Rhymes Sarah fumbles with the phone like a bear pawing a door handle.

“...sweet baby Jesus’ pristine bottom, why can’t it be SIMPLE like my SWEET Windows Phone?!”

Mad Rhymes look at one another.

“...fuck me in the goat ass...I can’t BELIEVE I let her talk me into this SHITTY phone. God...wives are the WORST.”

Mad Rhymes and Vinnie shake their heads as Sarah FINALLY presses the giant green button.

“Hello, Beloved! Did you see me-”

Sarah cuts off as the voice on the other side of the phone bursts out with energy. Her eyes narrow as she shoots a dagger-filled look at Vinnie.

“Oh no...no no...that's legit! Just another example of a third grade sense of humor that can't figure out how played it is!”

Sarah reaches over and pats Bobbi on her shoulder as the voice bursts in the ear piece again.

“I'm pretty sure all of Noah's antics get Vinnie's 5-incher at full mast.”

Her eyes do a quick elevator down to Vinnie’s crotch and back up to his face.

“I mean, he's not the GROSSEST boss I've had, but he IS pretty gross.”

Vinnie gives her a flat stare as Sarah continues to have her conversation with Kenzi.

“At least Fuzz isn't TOO bad, though he's got that 'I'm trying REALLY hard to be creeeeeeeppyyyyyy' thing going for him, and that sucks, but he's got NOTHING on Noah!”

Sarah rolls her eyes as she listens to the multimedia starlet on the other end.

“So...you mean right away? Because that is literally his thing. Oh! And losing on purpose and getting mad online when people point out how fucking stupid and shitty he is. Those are his, like, top three personality aspects.”

Vinnie opens his mouth to say something...probably due to his crush on certain people being mentioned...but Sarah’s sudden burst of startlement stops him. Her face crunches in pain and she holds the phone away from her ear as the voice on the other side starts screaming. And screaming. And SCREAMING. It gets SO loud that a full sentence is even caught by the camera’s microphone:

“IS HE TRYING TO BANG YOU?!”

Sarah’s pale face suddenly turns six shades of green. And then nine. And then THIRTEEN. Her cheeks blow out as a retching sound is heard. She waves her hands frantically, trying to hold the bile in. Unfortunately, she can’t control herself any more and she bends forward and loses her pre-match protein drink all over Vinnie’s shoes.

“Dude! I JUST got those cleaned!”

Max hands a handkerchief to Sarah and she cleans the corners of her mouth with it as she puts the phone back to her ear. She nods silently into the phone and ends the call, then places the phone back into her purse and hands it back to Max. She clears her throat several times, the bile obviously still there.

“...water…”

Vinnie fumbles around and finds a bottle of water. He hands his favorite employee the bottle and Sarah brings it up to her lips

and throws it in Vinnie’s face!

“Avian? AVIAN?! What the fuck do I look like, Vinnie? Some Connecticut Hillbilly?! For Fucks Sake, I’m ROYALTY!”

She holds out her hand and Bobbi procures a bottle of Fiji from the Abyss and hands it to her. Sarah takes a shot of the water, swishes it around in her mouth, and then spits it onto the ground between Vinnie’s dirty shoes.

“Gross! I’m going to have THAT image in my head forEVER.”

Vinnie raises one of his eyebrows and Sarah gives him a dismissive wave.

“It’ll make sense after you watch Kenzi’s promotional video.”

She shivers uncontrollably for a moment.

“Good Lord...THAT idiot. And I’m booked against him AGAIN?! Damnit, Vinnie! WHY are we booked against Sick Cunts?! I JUST beat that dipshit within an inch of his life, proving to the WORLD at Leap of Faith that his idiocy will NEVER stand up to THIS pedigree of wrestling, this THOROUGHBRED of talent and skill, and now I have to face him again?! Do you have ANY idea what is going to happen at Savage? Two dudes who have NOTHING to do with one another, outside of some pathetic plea for attention and acceptance that is this ‘DUR HER YER MAH PA’ crap that literally no one acknowledges, going against an ELITE team like the 5’2” Mafia? Good GOD, Vinnie!”

Sarah starts to pace back and forth in short and heavy steps, the heels of her wrestling boots clacking loudly in the backstage area of the arena.

“You know what this is? Well, for me and my Beloved, its another victory! Its yet ANOTHER checkmark in the W column for a team with TONS of wins and with less than HALF the losses than YOU have INCHES! For US, this is another accolade for the faces of Dark Goddess Productions, yet another award for the #CoolKids, yet another STOMPING of rookies and legends alike. Yet ANOTHER example of how TRUE champions and paragons perform! But for THEM?!”

The shakes of her head are as heavy and angry as her foot stompings.

“Well, for NOAH, its just another chance for him to lay down for me...on purpose? Holy SHIT! I didn’t realize that Noah and Kuda were the same person! I mean, I knew they were best friends and all, but to literally use the EXACT SAME excuse for taking Ls from me?! Good God, Vinnie! What IS that crap?! If I had lost, if it had been somehow THAT bozo who had walked out tall as the Anarchy Champion, I would have put on my big girl pants, stood up, shook his hand, and then gone back to my tapes and figured out what the fuck went wrong. But this guy? THIS guy?

“He cries. And complains. And whimpers. And begs...begs...BEGS for people to explain to him how he got his ass whooped. And why? Because Captain Dipshit doesn’t understand what actually MATTERS in this sport! But Corporal Moron doesn’t understand that dissecting your opponent, that breaking him down, that learning EVERYTHING he does, that STUDYING him, leads to victory! He doesn’t understand that, by looking at EVERY match, at EVERY promotional video, at EVERY bit of media he has produced, I would know EXACTLY how to take him down. But he is SO bad at this, SO bad at doing what AXLY matters in this sport, that he thinks that analyzing isn’t original! He thinks that knowing what your opponent does has NOTHING to do with what they WILL do. And what happened? How did that work out for him?”

She stops for a moment and looks at Vinnie.

“Bitch lost.”

She pats the Anarcy Championship title around her waist with her well-manicured hands.

“What is he going to do this time, Vinnie? What is he going to do when facing me AGAIN? And in a tournament, no less?! My literal bread and butter! The thing which I excel at! And with my Beloved at my side...who is BETTER at this wrestling thing than I am! Dude is fuuuuuuucked! Because NO amount of mockery, parody, breakfast cereals, shitty movies, or copying of your opponent is going to help him. He will continue to be what I said he was: The hardest worker who never wins the important matches. At this stage, he’s basically Nedward cosplaying as the Boston Pissbaby. But! Hey...at least he beat the Miz! He can put THAT feather in his cap!”

She resumes pacing, though with less anger and weight in her steps.

“Of course, its not just Noah. Loser McCryingPants tapped Fuzz! FUZZ! Dude’s great! Dude’s swell! Dude’s amazeballs9000! But! Oh holy hell BUT! Now that the ERMAHGERD RETURNING LEGEND pop has faded away? Now that the ZOMG I CAN’T BELIEVE MY EYES YOU ARE BACK orgasm high is gone? What do we have? What do we REALLY have? We got a dude who beat Samuel. SAMUEL! I’m pretty sure Dolly’s TRAINING BRA could have done that! Hell-”

“Praise the Lord and pass the gravy!”

“Huh...wait a second…”

Sarah’s face falls into confusion as she hears a particular notification sound. She reaches over to Max and grabs her purse, one hand rummaging while the other absently strokes the ears of her dwarf bunny. She pulls her new iPhone free and fiddles with it, her face growing more and more angry.

“Goddamnit...how DO you access my #DigitalPigeons on this STUPID PHONE? I swear to God, as SOON as Kenzi turns her black ass the wrong way I am SO sneaking my SWEET Windows Phone back. There it is!”

Her eyes open wide as she reads a few text messages.

“Huh. Dolly’s back. Guess she finally broke free from that drug cartel sex ring.”

They narrow in sudden fury as her fingers fly across the screen of the phone in a response.

“I am SO going to whoop her ass! Bitch has NO idea how much trouble she’s in!”

She throws her phone back into her purse and hands it back to the tacit monster Maxine.

“N-E-Ways!”

She waves her arms into the air with agitation as she resumes her pacing.

“And what did he do then, huh? Beat Mastermind? Shit, Vinniefred! I’ve done that...TWICE! Literally the ONLY thing that Fuzz has done which has been worthwhile is NOT completely shitting the bed against Tony! Now, don’t get me wrong, Fuzz DID shit the bed! Fuzz DID end up staring at the lights that so many of you XWF people love and adore! Fuzz DID end up at the loser’s window where he was handed half a cheese sandwich and one of those unsold ‘I mastered Sarah’s mind!’ t-shirts that, shockingly, weren’t needed. But at least he didn't look like a COMPLETE moron in the process! And not being an UTTER imbecile...and only a PARTIAL one...is NOT going to cut it in this tournament when the 5’2” Mafia is here!

“I don’t CARE about some father-son idiocy that Noah is using to get some sort of rub in a company...perhaps even a business...sick and tired of an act that stopped being funny even before Chris Chaos bitched out...and that was almost half a year ago! And why? Because the ‘father’ is one of those numbskulls stuck in the past! Oh sure, right this SECOND he’s all ‘HOLY CRAP ANARCHY IS TEH BEST I WANTS SOME BARNEY,’ and that is cool and all, since I am YOUR Anarchy Champion AND his, but that is AFTER months of doddering about like an old fool and pining for the past. Listen, everyone here knows my position on jerking off over a list of names long since forgotten and all, but I think part of that reasoning needs to be brought to the front of the brain:

“The old dudes are too predictable.”

Sarah stops her pacing and looks at Vinnie again.

“Sers legit, Vinniefred, I’m pretty positive that not only do I know HOW to beat Fuzz...I already have! The dude has, like, five HUNDRED matches to watch and he does the same damn thing every time: Blows off partners, lets his ego get all KINDS of butt hurt when he’s not the center of attention...and don’t EVEN get me started on when he loses...and gets caught by fast-moving opponents. That’s who he is, man! And unfortunately for him we are literally built to go all BLAM! Falcon Punch! And the geezer is going to be too busy giving those wistful anime heart eyes over something that happened fifteen years ago to see what is coming. And THEN what is Noah going to do? How is he going to club some baby seals when his partner embodies his namesake of being an afterthought and he has to defeat TWO versions of me? Dude is FUUUUUCKED!”

Sarah lunges forward and gets in Vinnie’s face. Well, her face gets up to Vinnie’s chest, anyway.

“Your tournament? Its ours, Vinnie. I GET that you and Kenzi aren’t exactly getting along right now, just like how she and Roxy aren’t wholly simpatico. But that will only make Kenzi strive MORE to be by my side in this. WE are the future of professional wrestling. WE are what tag team wrestling is all about. And no fuckwit Odd Couple nonsense is going to stop that. Not THIS week, not EVER. Because BOTH Kenzi and I are EXCELLENT at tournaments. Both Kenzi and I are EXCELLENT tag team wrestlers with multiple championship reigns. And together? We are nearly unstoppable. And last I checked, there is no Angelica Vaughn to bring ruin to my pride. Not this time. Not ANY time again.”

She steps away from Vinnie and visibly calms herself.

“Have you been making sure Roxy isn’t alone at the club at night?”

Vinnie blinks at the sudden changes in Sarah, both in her subject and in her manner. She went from angry spitting to the ice queen in but moments.

“You bet, dude.”

Sarah gives him a nod.

“Good. Keep it that way. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I could use a shower. I DID just win another of your main events, you know.”

Sarah gives a sniff and walks away with Mad Rhymes following her.

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