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Lacklan · (07-07-2019)

HIIIII-iiiiiiiiI!!!!

SHHHH!

*Sarah glares at Kenzi and then rolls her eyes so hard that Dolly feels it in whatever Mexican drug lord camp she’s in right now. Wouldn’t it be craxy if we went to one of those “detention centers” on the border and found her there after trying to sneak back into the country? That would be AMAZEballz!*

This is your reason for being-

*Inside Voice Engaged, this time*

-the holder of ALL the cleavage in the world right now-

*Sar raises up her phone to show that, yes, she has enough cleavage in a tight-fitting red and black dress for Kenzi to lose every braid in*

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan here and I am LIVE at the UGWC Hall of Fame ceremony! I’m here...in the front row, obvs...with my BeLOVEd wife, Kenzi, who I...quite literally...sacrificed my BODY for last night in that big scavenger thingie.

*Kenzi waves to the Fang Gang before pointing a finger to her leg. Sar’s SWEET Windows Phone takes a LONG time moving away from Kenzi’s own delectable cleavage, taped up near her neck in black and silver, and down her body to see the leg in a splint*

Yesterday was NUTZ, let me tell you, and ended up with Rox retaining her title, mostly in thanks to my sacrifice. Now we got the chance to get all dolled up for this event and-

What about me, ya cunt?!

*a HEAVY sigh*

...and Bobbi…

*the camera phone turns the other direction and sees...a wall? The lens goes into wide mode and we see...a Hutt? It goes into SUPER Wide mode and...oh! Bobbi London! Stretching a tracksuit to its absolute LIMIT, the Aussie is surprisingly pretty thanks to a LENGTHY makeup session at the fingertips of the Queen of Anarchy herself*

The THREE of us are here-

MEOH!

*another deep sigh. The camera turns back towards Kenzi and moves past her where two blondes sit. Roxy Cotton, her silicone money makers held into place with pasties, is on her phone, and next to her is Angie Vaughn, UGWC World Champion, in a sparkling blue dress which covers every inch of her. And next to her are two kitties dressed in tuxedos*

Good Lord...the FIVE of us are here enjoying the evening. The entirety of the #CoolKids plus one of Kenzi’s MANY bodyguard/stand-ins/whatever-the-fuck-the-are are enjoying the evening, and as we do so, I cannot help but think about my FAVORITE subject in the world…

MARKETING!

The CTN Network, whom we often work with, has done a KILLER job marketing this year’s WrestleStock that it has me missing the days when marketing was my #1 joy in life! You see, when I was a teenager, I lived in this badass mansion, right? And we had all KINDS of coolio things, like cars, and pools, and stuff, right? And we had a forest, and blueberry fields, and an aMAZing butcher, and a private school, and so much more, right? But you know what we didn’t have? TOURISM! Literally NO ONE ever visited the little...okay, massive...plot of land in Maine my home resided on. I mean, it was hard to get past the gate...since we require two forms of identification and a background check, and all...but still! We had so MUCH to offer! And when I was 14 or so, it occured to me that it was MY job to make that happen!

Enter...Lacklanland! With just a few pushes and prods, with just a little work on this here podcast (back when it was in chat rooms!), with some work on Twitter, the #LacklanlandTourismBoard was born! Soon! The TRUTH of how BEAUTIFUL Maine looks at Christmas was KNOWN! Magical Wonderland, baby! Soon! The FACT that we had the BEST education money could buy was available to the masses! Soon! The REALITY of just how fresh our blueberries were, and how killer our wine was, was a THING. Ladies and Gentlemen, Sarah the Marketing Genius was BORN!

We’re talking a national anthem, a marching band, red carpets at the manor, and more! I was SO good at marketing “Lacklanland” that people thought it was its own soverign nation! Some still do! And you know what EVERY nation needs, whether they be real or created by a teenager? A flag! Duh! Here, check THIS shit out!

Raise the fist, baby! And let me tell you, there is NOW WAY that I am going to let ANYONE take this flag away from me! Because...apparently...that is what Strong Bad is going to do? Or something? Imma be honest here: I don’t pay TOO much attention to the perrenial losers in this business, m’kay? Like, in order for me to notice you, and I mean REALLY notice you, you have to win some matches. And that means, as you can totes imagine, I haven’t really paid attention to Mini Morbid much. Dude can’t even beat the stupid owl!

So here’s the reality which MM...heh...I sure do like beating up losers with those initials...is going to have to deal with: In a rarity, I am NOT the smallest person in this match. I am ALSO not the person with the least experience. And! AND! I’m ALSO not the one who spews the most bullshit! How craxy is that?! Its axly my OPPONENT who is ridiculously stupid to the point of not just everlasting eye-rolling, but the kind of thing that makes entire COMPANIES shut down. Like, I GET that people find him funny, ya know? But, its the same special needs kids who are trying to crowd fund that Noah/Rabids crossover anime, so that doesn’t say too much.

In the end, Mr. My Bit is Fucking DUMB is going to find his flag being clutched by THESE sweet-as-FLAME nails and hung up on the Grey-Lacklan mantel like so many other trophies. At least it will have a use then!

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