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Lacklan · **07-04-2019, 05:51 PM**

Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan squints behind her Coke-bottle glasses at a small piece of paper, the Cincinnati heat bearing down upon her. Dressed in her ring gear of red and black lace, the pale skin of her arms and chest glistens with sweat, and her platinum blonde hair is frizzy, the meticulous braid having lost its form.

“This is RIDICULOUS, Beloved! It is unHEARD of! Why, I am going to send SUCH a strongly worded letter! A VERY strongly worded letter, INDEED!”

Next to her, Kenzi Grey-Lacklan walks with her, the ebony beauty wearing her own ring gear of a golden bodysuit, her dark eyes trained down on a matching piece of paper.

“Mm hmm.”

Kenzi was clearly in “Yes, Dear” mode, Sarah likely having been ranting for some time, though the Blood Princess didn’t seem to notice.

“I swear to sweet Baby Jesus’ perfectly smooth bottom, some of the items on this list are INSANE! How in the HELL are we going to advance in this craxy-ass Cross-Hemisphere-”

“Semi-Circle, bb.”

On the other side, the blonde bombshell known as Roxy Cotton towered over the diminutive team of the #5Foot2Mafia, walking along with purposefully short strides of her long legs, so as not to get ahead of her friends. Also dressed for battle in ring gear reminiscent of a stripper’s attire, the reigning and defending “Cross Semi-Circle Champion” also had a piece of paper in her hand. Sarah rolls her eyes at her taller friend and scowls.

“Just keep shitting on my precious, Rox.”

“Just keep wetting your diaper.”

Another massive eyeroll of red eyes. Sarah’s face scrunches up in anger as she raises her arms and waves the paper about in sheer agitation.

“Seriously! Just LOOK at some of these scavenger items! An old VHS tape? I literally don’t even know what that is.”

She seems oblivious to the side eye and scowl from Roxy.

“A thimble? Who the fuck has a THIMBLE at a wrestling festival? And don’t EVEN get me started on THIS item! ‘Mastermind’s Self Respect and/or Dignity?’ How in the HELL are we supposed to find something that was lost DECADES ago? The dumbshit couldn’t even get the NAME of this event right!”

The sound of roaring engines fill the air of the festival grounds and cause the trio of #CoolKids to stop in their tracks, eyes searching about for the source of the noise. The crowd of wrestling revelers, most drunk on shitty and overpriced beer, scatter as a foursome of motorcycles approach, three topped by burly neckbearded men, with the bike in the lead being a blindingly pink three-wheeled monstrosity carrying a noticeably feminine form. The bikes stop before the trio and the womanly form removes her helmet to show the XWF’s resident fascist flame spewer herself, Madison Dyson. She has her own piece of paper in her hand and she waves it at Roxy.

“What’s with this shit, Slutsberg? This list is-”

“-the dumbest, EVER, amIright?!”

Maddy looks at Sar and gives her interruption an approving nod. Sarah looks away for a moment and directly into the camera and makes a cut-throating gesture.

BLANK SCREEN

DEAD AIR

The camera flashes back to life.

“Oh, so THAT’S the secret Official MAGA Club handshake?”

“You...um...you’re not gonna have to kill us...right, babe?”

Maddy and Sarah share an exaggerated wink. Roxy gives Sarah a dirty look as Kenzi shakes her head, tosses her braids over her shoulder, and turns back to her piece of paper.

“Why are you two so cool?”

Sarah flashes her Billion $$$ Smile at Roxy as she tosses her braid from one shoulder to the other and puffs out her chest.

“We met at last night’s ‘Killer Cans for Trump!’ rally. Mine won an award for ‘Best Use of Free the Nipple’ and Mads here got ‘Best Jugs over 40.’ Pretty awesome night overall, tee bee aitch.”

Roxy gives a disgusted “ugh” and Sarah turns her attention to her new biker friend.

“Sweet hog, bee tee dubs. I bet I’d look hot as FLAME on one.”

Kenzi’s eyes suddenly twitch as visions of the two on a bike...probably nude and wearing bikinis made of marshmallows for some reason...no doubt fill her mind. Madison laughs and waves her hand dismissively.

“Maybe, kid, but nothing like me. Now, about this list, where the fuck are we supposed to find a baby grand piano in the middle of a Lingerie Football statdium?”

Sarah shrugs.

“Beats me. But THIS item is even HARDER!”

She holds up the list and points out an item towards the bottom:

THE LAST MORSEL OF HANARI CARNES’ RELEVANCE

The Alt-Right Firebrand shakes her head.

“No idea, kid.”

Sarah scowls in consternation as she looks back at her paper.

“For realsies, this is bullshit. How in the FUCK am I supposed to find the relevance of a dude who hasn’t had a match in, like, three months? That’s an ETERNITY in Wrestling Time, ya know? The dude hasn’t even bothered to show his face since he bitched out to Dolly in the Queen of the Ring tournament. A tournament WHICH I WON, in case I haven’t mentioned it-”

Kenzi and Roxy share a look behind Sarah’s head. Yes, she has mentioned it. Once or twice. Tops.

“-and now I have to find something he probs hasn’t had since I was a minor? I mean, sure, he had the Television Title for, like, half a month, but he beat Mastermind for it. MASTERMIND! That’s like taking a piece of candy from a CUTE AS FLAME LITTLE BABY-”

Sarah’s eyes suddenly fill with tiny hearts and Kenzi barely resists the urge to puke her lunch onto the ground.

“-and calling the dastardly deed a feat the level of Kerri Strug vaulting on a broken ankle. And the only thing he WAS able to do with it before dropping it to one of the Fucktard Boys, who I totes beat, in case I have never mentioned it-”

Another shared look says that, yes, she HAS mentioned beating Donovan Blackwater. Once or twice. At most.

“-was take down that Jesalyn loser, but, like, everyone does that. Like, literally everyone. Hell, even Game Girl did that, and she’s a totes L to the R, ya know what I mean? So, like, how AM I supposed to find Hanari’s relevance when it doesn’t even exist anymore? Like, am I supposed to jump into Sativa’s time machine, that would be Past Sativa’s time machine and not Present Sativa, since they’re totes different people now, obvs, and go back in time and FIND Hanari’s relevance? Am I supposed to go BACK to the beginning of the year when all the penniless paupers in the Dominican Republic were jerking off over the fact that he had a full TWO sets of shoes with matching socks and were heralding his departure for America? That’s just fuckin’ LAME, ya know?”

Sarah’s hands begin to wave in the air as she continues. Roxy and Kenzi begin to zone off while Maddy obviously looks for a way out of this conversation.

“I mean, seriously, he is SO FAR out of any sort of importance or title contention in the Ex Dub Eff that everyone, literally EVERYONE, understands that our match is a just a warm up for me for my Anarchy Title match at Leap of Faith! Like, remember when all the shitty weekend wrestling television shows happened in the 80’s? And some badass came to the ring with things like pyro, or a model holding a mirror for them, or with a row of bagpipe players, and their opponent was some skinny-fat dude wearing some cheap windbreaker jacket and already in the ring? THAT is basically the match I am having next Saturday. I mean, really, what’s this dipshit gonna do? Clear his throat off camera and then bust out his shitty accent, talk in the third person like every other delusional moron who does that, and try to act like he still matters?”

Sarah pauses and clears her throat, dropping her jaw and opening her throat wider than normal.

“Chu ain’t ready for Hanari, chica. Hanari es mucho grande. You es goin’ to Hell. Viva el dominicano!”

“...perfect…”

“How DOES she do that, Kenzi?”

“I mean, for fucks’ sake! He’s such a non factor that Vinnefred EVELYN Lane hasn’t even bothered to move his profile out of the shitbin! It’s still sitting in a pile of nothing along with all twenty-seven faces of Kid Kool, cartoon characters, and fat losers who need to shave and ironically call themselves ‘motherfuckin’. But then again, Captain Dipshit here thinks that the only weakness he possesses is that he’s just too damn smug sometimes, so maybe being in a pile of refuge with people who literally say, ‘My weakness is that I get even MORE badass when I’m hurt!’ is exactly where he should be!”

She shakes the paper in her hand again.

“Last morsel of his relevance? BAH! He doesn’t even have enough to fill that stupid thimble we’re supposed to find! Not like ME, ya know? Why I-”

Both Roxy and Kenzi do a WONDERFUL job covering up their groan. Somewhere in the distance, Noah says “CUNT MOTHERFUCKING BITCH CUNT” and takes a shot while whispering about broken records and Ned facepalms over the next installment of “Sarah Grey-Lacklan, this is YOUR LIFE!” Because here she goes again…

“-am the REASON...the VERY REASON...why XWF has grown as much as it has in the last few months! While Hanari has been licking his wounds over getting his ass BEAT back in March, I have lit a FIRE under the ass of the entire company! Just LOOK at how many people are on the roster since I joined up. Just LOOK! I have SINGLE-HANDEDLY brought this entire COMPANY back from the brink of yet ANOTHER dance with death, and dipshits like Mr. Third Person-”

Maddy groans in disgust as Sarah blathers on. She plops her helmet back on and speeds away, her bevie of wonderfully gay bikers following suit, in pursuit of the items on the scavenger list. Both Roxy and Kenzi watch them go with a look of longing in their eyes, but the #CoolKidsContract makes it clear that they have to stay for this.

“-and ANOTHER thing! Mr. Big Bad Lucha Dude. Please. I have spent my entire career fighting giants and undead monsters, so there’s nothing, literally nothing, that 6’5” and 240 can do to me that hasn’t already been tried. I mean, sure, he’s not all flippy-floppy like some of the other guys I have faced have been, but the dude still has plenty of jumps in his repertoire, and you know what that means?”

Silence. Sarah’s face turns a bright shade of red and her eyes seem to glow like she activated her SITH MODE.

“I SAID...he’s got plenty of jumps and do you KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!”

Both Kenzi and Roxy jump with a start and blurt out responses of “OH MY TOM CRUISE I DON’T KNOW” and “GOD WHY ARE YOU SO LOUD?!”

“It MEEeeeeeeEAAAANS that those knees are SHOT! 240 is a LOT of weight to be carrying around on those knees when you go to the air. Hell, even things like spin kicks to a TON of damage over time, ya know? Every time he comes crashing down on himself, he hurts his knees. Every time he connects with one of those leaping...though it should totes be “shining,” but we can’t all be a badass like me...enzuigiris of his and comes down on himself? BLAM! More cartilage gone. Hell, give him a few years and it’ll just be bone-on-bone! And THAT is something I know how to take advantage of!

“Ya see, picking apart joints and shit is kinda what I do, ya know? I’ve got all these little kicks and joint locks, right? And my amazingly PERFECT body is filled with a craxy skill at wiggling around larger dudes, getting into position, and tying them up, right? And THAT is what’s going to happen to Senior I Takes Three Months Off After Choking Like a Bitch and Making My Entire Country That I Apparently am the Hero of be Ashamed of My Face. Because the dude is going to go for one of his big ol’ kicks of his, and I’m going to set my feet and kick up, and CRACK! Dislocated knee!”

Sarah does indeed set her feet and kick upward, with Roxy and Kenzi giving her a wide berth that has NOTHING to do with the woman’s eyesight, though Sarah is too into herself in the moment to notice.

“And if he tries to wrap me up and go for my arm? He’s going to run into the BEST kept secret of mine, the thing which NO ONE ever seems to take seriously: My ability to turn someone’s hopes and dreams of a finish into them tapping out. Hell, just ask Corey-”

~~Thus we have the obligatory mention of Lux in a Sar promo; watch your inbox for the X-Bux~~

“-what happened! He had it ALL figured out, right? Went for the lateral press, tried to hook the leg, and the next thing he knew, I had his back, his arm cranked behind him, his neck getting choked out, and his hand tapping his shoulder before it went poppity-pop pop pop. THAT is what I DO. And any attempt at Viva la Republic! is going to find him somehow locked into the Pigeon Wing. But the BEST part of the BEST part?”

Roxy and Kenzi look at each other, not sure if they were supposed to answer, but Sarah quickly answers her own rhetorical question and they share a sigh of relief.

“He’s one of those dipshits who is too proud to quit. He’s one of those guys who are all “DUR HUR I IZ TOO STRONG TO QUITS I IZ MONSTER.” Hell, even Mastermind, who is a dullard by ANY stretch of the imagination, was smart enough to tap out quick against Nedward last night so that he could be at full strength for his WrestleStock match today. But Hanari? Nope! Too dumb! And, whoo BOY is he going to pay for THAT particular piece of unnecessary bravado. Because when I get the hooks in, there is NOTHING breaking THIS grip!”

Sarah flexes her arms, the surprisingly well-developed muscles popping. Roxy mumbles something about “...nothing on Captain 80’s…” while Kenzi starts drooling. Sarah smiles at the pump and then shakes out her arm before going back into her unstoppable flow of words.

“And since he’s all “I IZ BADASS?” He’s not GOING to tap. Oh, he’s gonna scream. And yell. And probs start crying. Like, literally crying. Tears and stuff. Like, when that shoulder goes POP? Gonna be crying like the bitch he showed the world he was when he puked in his last XWF match. Literally! Puked! Puked all OVER the ring when a 15-year-old girl punched him in the throat! What a pussy! Of course, I’m sure he would LOVE to pretend that didn’t happen, and is probs the kinda guy to be all “Nah uh! Wasn’t me! That was a body double!” or something equally shitty, but I was there that night. I was there WINNING that night, I might add. That was the night I beat up Eli James so bad that he’s literally only shown up one other time to blatantly rip off someone before he ran away again after I made him look dumb with an eyeroll gif. Did I ever tell you-”

Jesus CHRIST Sar. YES you have told us about the time you beat Eli James. You’ve literally told everyone.

“...of course, that was with the Abyss and I plan on using the Pigeon Wing. And he’s gonna be crying, literally, like, soaking the mat with his tears, and the ref is going to just have the bell ring out of pure and utter horror at what a mess I am making out of Hanari. Like, ya know when you’re playing softball and the badass team gets up by 20 runs or something? And the ump finally just calls the game with the mercy rule because the losing team is SO overpowered? That’s what the ref is going to do. And I…”

Sarah trails off, a look of confusion on her face.

“What the? Where did Maddy go?”

She shakes her head roughly.

“Ya know what? Doesn’t even matter. I STILL need to find this STUPID item on this STUPID scavenger hunt list!”

She shakes the paper in her hand.

“Good Lord. Last Morsel of Hanari’s Relevance. If ONLY there was someone here who was known for droning on and on AND ON about relevance. Lord, I HATE people who drone on-”

Another secretly shared look between Roxy and Kenzi.

“-and just keep talking about previous victories like they matter-”

Yep, another shared look. But then Sarah’s eyes go wide and she gasps in dramatic fashion.

“OH. EM. GEE. There IS someone here who is an expert about droning on and on about relevance...without realizing his irony...and past achievements. Robbie Bourbon is here! He’s probs dropping my name in a never-ending attempt to feel important around here, as if edging me out in a coinflip of a match including Barney ‘Newest Member of the Job Family’ Greene proved a single thing. Man, dude LOVES sucking my cock, let me tell you.”

She folds up the scavenger list and stuffs it into the front of her wrestling gear, nice and snug in between the pair of prize-winning 100% pure white meat Maine pigeon breasts.

“Come! Let us seek out Robbie Bourbon and find out if HE can help me figure out how in the flying fuck Hanari Carnes is relevant enough to be in a match with me!”

To be continued!

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