We are treated to the sight of our intrepid young hero, Corey Smith, in a bit of a pickle. He appears to be passed out on a plain cement floor, a thin river of drool passing from the side of his mouth and spilling towards the camera's position. The shot floats upwards, and we now get a better view of a metal collar affixed to his neck. The collar is attached to a chain in the wall. The room is spartan, with only a single steel door and a old television set propped up on a four wheeled cart. Suddenly, the TV springs to life and....uh oh....



Yes folks, it's Billy the evil puppet from the Saw franchise. Or at least, it looks a lot like him. Similar enough that a butt load had to be paid out in royalties (thanks Uncle Vinnie!). However, there is a slight difference from the famous horror franchise creeper. Yes, this one is wearing one of those big stupid wide brimmed hats like Mastermind.

Corey.... the puppet hisses. Corey...wake up.

Corey grunts and turns a bit. When he turns his face we see it's just painted in drool. Mmmmm....can't....feel sick....no work today....

Corey.... The puppet verbally prods him again.

He lets out an annoyed grunt this time.

Corey... Again, another prompt, this time the puppet's voice is starting to sound a bit plaintive and whiny.

Corey's left eye flutters open. WHAT?!

The puppet jerks back from the screen. Oh...uh...sorry....to wake you....

Bitch.

With an even louder and more protracted groan, Corey sits himself up. This better be good enough to wake me from a sex dream with.... Corey notices the camera …...my girlfriend. Duh. He smiles nervously, and then makes a strange expression. He brings his hands to his neck, finally noticing the collar. Dude, what the fuck?! He starts trying to dig his fingers underneath it to pry it off.

Sorry, it's not too tight is it?

IT'S A FUCKING METAL COLLAR! It sucks anyway you slice it!

It's kinda necessary. I don't think you would have stuck around without it. The puppet sounds abashed as he explains. Ah-ha-HEM! So Corey....DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME?

NO! Fuck you Mastermind, that's you isn't it?!

Ummmm....no?

YES IT IS! Look man, Lux and I already figured out your stupid guessing game. It's a fucking submission match, okay? Ohhhhh...BIG REVEAL. Best part is you dropping that like it's some kind of momentum shifting masterstroke like three weeks after Lux made a guy twice our size deuce himself in the middle of the ring with a brand new submission move. And then she made yet another guy tap out the following week although we're both kind of unclear on how she did that one, it was pretty confusing. Like, she made somebody tap out with her KICK FINISHER. Corey shoots a fourth wall breaking “WTF” at the camera. You know what though, even better. Lux makes people tap out and nobody even knows how! Shit just happens man. Good job on the stip selection though, sure it won't end with your eleventy billionth loss this month. Corey gets up, props one foot on the wall, wraps the chain around his arm and starts trying to pull his binding out from it's roots.

Stop that, you need to PLAY A GAME! The Mastermind puppet tries to sound commanding but comes off more like a nagging housewife bitching about grass clippings in the driveway AGAIN!

Corey, still struggling with the chain, responds without even looking back. Oh, what are we playing this time?! Candy Land? Chutes and Ladders? Old goddamn Maid? And.... he finally gives up on fighting against the chain and wheels back on the camera, looking pissed off. ….how are you gonna invoke the name of Carmen Sandiego and not even treat us to the classic Rockapella theme song from the game show, huh?

What's Rockapella?

Corey throws his hands in the air. How are you so bad at life?!

Okay, okay! I get it! This hasn't been very impressive so far. But trust me, it's going to get better. Err, WORSE...for you! But, I promise that if you make it through my increasingly horrific and mind shattering series of tortures, I will let you free. Provided you survive!

Corey slumps to the floor. Fine. Go.

For my first game....a game of HANGMAN.

Corey actually looks a little nervous, hand drifting to the collar around his neck.

And know this, even if you solve the puzzle, YOU STILL LOSE! The image of the puppet on the television cuts out, and we're let with a crude image that looks like a classic game of Hangman.

YO_ F_CKING S_CK!

BWAHAHA! Care to buy a vowel, Corey?!

Corey rolls his eyes. It's “YOU FUCKING SUCK.” Very original.

The Mastermind puppet appears back on the screen once more.

BWAHAHAHAHA! IS YOUR CONFIDENCE NOT SHATTERED?! HAS YOUR MIND BEEN MASTERED?!

No it has not.

Oh. Well then, let's see how self assured you feel after this next challenge!

Corey scoots back in surprise as the floor bottoms out below him revealing a pit of a viscous red substance. He looks at the pit strangely.

The clue to your next horrific challenge is located at the bottom of that pit full of....

Is that Jello?

Yes, it is Jello.

Corey smirks. I mean, I was thinking like...sulphuric acid or a mass of fire ants or Hepatitis infected human blood. This....is pretty weak sauce, dude.

It's very sticky and it will get everywhere.

It's delicious.

You will be very uncomfortable for the duration of this promo and won't be able to shower.

You MONSTER! Corey deadpans as he gets up and tests the amount of slack in the chain. He walks up to the edge of the pit and dives in with little hesitation. He reemerges about 20 seconds later with a sphere in his hand.

Was your mettle tested, Corey?

Corey starts opening the sphere, not even paying attention to the TV. Were you talking?

Yes, I was saying....

OH SHIT! OH NO! Corey's face drops.

YES, YOU ARE FILLED WITH AN INESCAPABLE EXISTENTIAL HORROR! The puppet cheers manically. YOUR SENSE OF SELF HAS BEEN FUNDAMENTALLY BROKEN, YOU....

No, no, it's nothing like that, I just realized I forgot I still had my phone in my pocket when I jumped in! Damn, I just renewed my contract and everything! He pulls himself up out of the pit and whips out his phone. Turning it on, he breathes a sigh of relief. Oh good, it looks like its ok. Oh, hey, I missed a call from Vita. Can you give me a sec here?

B-but your soul crushing torture....

It'll just be a bit. Corey's already dialing.

Oh...uh...ok, I guess.

Bitch.

He holds the phone up to his ear, grinning and looking very casual and not at all in danger. Hey babe, what's up? ….. Oh yeah? …... OH YOU DID?! …... Yeah, no I agree Toy Story 4 could have easily been just some soulless cash grab, but hey, so long as they got a story to tell ya know?...... Oh, me? Oh, I'm just chillin' here getting tortured by Mastermind. !!!!! Oh no babe, it's all good. Emphasis on the Mastermind so it's just a bunch of inoffensive cutesy shit. ….. Yep, yep...ok, well I'm gonna jet so I can put this in the bag. We can do one of our “fun” phone calls later. Heh heh. Bye babe.

Corey hangs up the phone to find the puppet has been waiting for him patiently the whole time. Dude, the reception in your sex dungeon kinda blows.

It's not a sex dungeon!

Suuuuure.... He cracks open the sphere from earlier and finds a key inside. Ah ha! He goes to look for some kind of keyhole in his collar with his finger tips and finds one quickly.

WAIT! The puppet bellows. Corey screw faces him but still keeps working the key in the key hole. Before you continue on with the next challenge, I have something to say. I..... Deep sigh. ….I'm starting to have some doubts about the intensity of your next test.

You don't say?

Yes. I mean, I don't know...maybe it's just a touch of insecurity talking, but it occurred to me that maybe it's just not mind mastering enough. A bit lacking, perhaps. Could you give me a moment to think about....

Corey's collar pops off. Done.

Shit.

Yeah. Through the door?

Sigh. Yeah.

Corey shrugs off the chain and opens the big steel door, which leads into another room with....Mastermind's kids?



Okay, at least they're dead ringers for Mastermind's kids at any rate. Faces aren't kiddie kidnappers. Anyhow, the kids are standing there giggling and looking excited. Corey just looks mostly confused. We then hear the Mastermind puppet on the TV from the other room, clearing his throat.

AH HEM. Could I have a little help please?

Corey thinks on it for a bit, and then goes back into the other room and pulls the TV stand into the next room.

Careful, there's a little lip in the threshold there...

Yeah, yeah, I got it. Corey guides the TV into the second room, and the children wave excitedly at it.

HEY SCARY PUPPET DADDY!

Um....hey guys. Alright, well, here goes nothing. Corey, this final test will (hopefully) leave your psyche irreparably broken, and leave you a gibbering senseless shell of your former self. You...

Daddy? One of the adorable little cherubs cuts in. One does irr-irr-ir-rap-a-bla-bly mean?

Corey beams. Oh that is just adorable!

The puppet somehow manages to grimace despite not technically having pliable facial features. It means “cannot be put back together.” Now, daddy is trying to be scary so please don't interrupt.

But you're not scary, Daddy!

Yeah, daddy, you're not scary! Corey goads. So what's the final test already?

It's duck-duck goose. The puppet whispers.

Corey cups a hand around his ear. I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

IT'S DUCK DUCK GOOSE! OKAY?!

The boys cheer. Corey laughs uproariously. Oh hoooo boy! Wow! HOW ARE YOU SO BAD AT THIS?!! Welp, I hate to disappoint my adoring fans so let's do this! Corey plops down on the floor, sitting Indian style. So who wants to start?

Oh oh, MEEEEE! One of the kiddo's waves his hand in the air. His brother also takes a seat and the boy starts circling he and Corey, bopping them on the head and chanting. Duck.....duck......duck......duck......

THE TENSION IS MOUNTING ISN'T IT COREY! UNBEARABLE ANXIETY, WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP!

Yeah, you can go ahead and hang it up now MM.

…..GOOSE! The boy bops Corey on the end.

Oh, I see how it is! Waiting till I was distracted, eh?! WELL....! Corey pops up and starts playfully chasing the little boy around the room and it's all just so sickeningly saccharine until....

WE INTERRUPT THIS COMPLETELY UNCONTROVERSIAL CONTENT TO BRING YOU A LUX PROMO!

Oh thank God!

Lux appears on the screen


Well, I think we've successfully pasted that particular horse. You get the picture, I'm sure. But for the folks sitting in the back of the theater who were too busy trying to hide a sad under the popcorn handy to pay attention....

….MASTERMIND IS NOT SCARY.

My friend, we've been over this before. You've tried so hard over the years to erect this persona of being an inscrutable puppet master, some kind of psychological bogeyman whose claim to fame is the ability to pull out of people their innermost fears and hold them aloft like a still beating heart. But you're just not. In fact, last time you wasted about 20 minutes of our lives trying to convince the world I'm not who I said I was.

And yet....

Lux holds up the TV Title.

...it hasn't stopped me from making what was once yours, mine. In fact, it hasn't stopped me from going on the most impressive tear the XWF has seen in quite some time. 6 months. 13 wins and 2 losses. And most of my best work came AFTER your vanilla attempts at deconstructing my character. Mind mastered? Not hardly.

What purpose lies in a thing that can no longer do what it's fancy packaging advertises it can do? What do we do with a tool that no longer retains it's function, Mastermind? It's simple.

It gets thrown out.

Parlor tricks and children's games and cheap Chinese-made clothing is what you continually bring to the table and here I am to remind you for a SECOND time just how woefully inadequate all that is. I have already mastered YOU, and here I stand proof positive that your entire persona is about as threatening as a deaf-mute in traffic. And yet you still have the unconscionable gall to act like you winning this title is a foregone conclusion.

Quote:MASTERMIND SAID THIS DUMB SHIT TO NED:

"Next week on Warfare we could possibly be competiting for The Television Title, Ned. I say possibly, not because it's possible I cpuld win it, it's because I AM going to becone the 2 time Television champion but it has to be ratified by Management whether I defend it on Warfare next week.

Excuse me? And just what are you basing this bit of egoism on exactly? The fact that I trounced you three months ago? The fact that since March you've maintained a mediocre 3 Win/5 Loss record, while barely getting past certified “badasses” like Sam McPherson, Kid Kool, and Barney Green? You know what my favorite part of your recent career has been? Zane putting a sweet merciful bullet straight between the eyes of the most boring Xtreme championship reign of all time. Because only YOU could make a title that has to be defended WHILE you take a piss an excuse for a viewer's piss break. Meta.

Lux shakes her head and gives a little sigh.

Look, I've said it before but you're not a BAD guy. You're hardly the biggest, nastiest threat on the roster (although that's sort of the problem, isn't it). So maybe my vitriol is a tad misplaced. Maybe you don't deserve it. And yeah, I haven't had the best week what with Dexter's recent turn. But damned if I can't help but feel like my intelligence is being insulted as you pull some Willy Wonka benevolent trickster shit out night after night all the while expecting ANYONE to find you to be a credible threat. Nobody hears the name “Mastermind” and thinks “goodbye title reign”. Well, nobody GOOD anyway.

And that there is your biggest problem of all. I'm good. I've mastered the use of Corey's body and put myself right back in the kind of fighting shape I used to be in. It's no coincidence that as these weeks have rolled right on by I seem to have forgotten how to lose. Now I'm not brazen enough to make a claim to invincibility, but I'm sure as hell better than any of the guys you've managed to scrape by the last few months. Not to mention the fact that I beat you when I was only three months into adapting to this body. Can you imagine what I'm capable of now? My senses have only gotten sharper. My reflexes faster. Corey and I are as one.

You really don't stand a chance. And with each successive loss you eat, neither does your authority as a so-called “master of minds”. So here's what I'm going to do. Now I may not be quite as prolific an entertainer as Corey, but I think I've picked up enough showman's knack by osmosis to make this recommendation: Pick a new gimmick. Maybe one that's less reliant on any degree of consistent success. I hear John Whyte's something of an expert. Maybe go knock on his door. Until then, see you Saturday. I'll be the one upright post match.