Your phone buzzes, beeps, or otherwise does what it does when you get a text message. Is it your wife or husband? Is it work? Is it your kids? Is it your crush? Man, how cool would it be if it was your crush, the person you want to bang because of the feels or something, mostly relating to how hot they are and their ability to communicate with you in ways that leave you contented!

Nah, it's just a text message from... the poop emoji?

You open it in wonder, and realize it's just another piece of spam, or is it?

THIS IS NOT SPAM!

It says it isn't, but only one way to be sure. You keep reading.

Welcome to the Robbie Bourbon Incorporated Valued Customers Catalogue!

Robbie Bourbon has once again figured out how to text the planet.

The latest and greatest item offered to you, our valued members, is the Angry Bear Banana Hammock. That's right, if you're going to rock the banana hammock, rock the Angry Bear Banana Hammock.

We see a picture of Robbie modeling the Angry Bear Banana Hammock from the front, his very masculine yet robust figure (muscle well marbled with fat) bulging everywhere. Pecs, traps, biceps, belly, quads, calves, and crotch.

When you have a huge dick and balls to spare, who cares about when you show your ass?

We see a picture of Robbie modeling the manthong from behind, where we see all of his sad, but toned, nigh nonexistent ass. Imagine a hot girl with no butt wearing a thong, just a smidgen of cheek hiding a butthole. Same idea, only man ass. Robbie Bourbon's man ass. You probably wisely close the text quickly, unless you are into men, in which case you look at the pics a few times over silently as your friends converse and wonder what you're lost in. You can't just answer "beef" because you like the thought of a big bull stud, so you say "this crazy thing" and pull up something else on your phone that isn't porn to placate the crowd, just like everybody else you are talking with anyhow since they all stopped to read the texts and see Robbie showing them his exposed buttocks and large manbulge.