The shot opens on the inside of Lux and Corey's latest home away from home, a rather swanky hotel room in Milwaukee. Incidentally, Milwaukee appears to have swanky hotel rooms. Who knew! At any rate, you know those scenes in movies where the main character is desperately trying to figure something out, they might be a detective or are at least playing detective, and they just litter a room with pictures and files, with more pictures all over the walls with pieces of yarn adjoining them?

Yeah, what you see now is that, but with about 1000% more paranoid schizophrenia thrown in for good measure.

Jesus Corey!

The mental projection of Lux looks about the room, of which there is no exposed piece of carpeting or bedding. It's just wall to wall file folders, and papers, and pictures. Corey's running the show in their body and well, he don't look so good.



Corey finally notices his counterpart standing there with a look of consternation. Oh, Lux! I'm so glad you're here! Deep circles have been carved out under his eyes, and he looks twitchy and anxious. Kind of like he might have fallen off the wagon.

I'M NOT ON DRUGS!

Wha.....huh?

Lux looks at him askance. I didn't say you were.

Holy shit, did you just hear me?

YES!

Uhhhhhhhh.....

Lux walks up to Corey and takes him by his shoulders, giving him a little shake. When is the last time you slept?

I dunno, what time is it?

2 PM.

Oh, that's not too bad then.

On Tuesday.

SHIT! He runs his hands through his hair. Lux lets go and steps back, again drinking in the chaos all about the room.

You wanna tell me what's going on? I'm really worried.

El Tiburon! Corey announces it plainly, as though just speaking the name is a self-evident response.

'Kaaaaay. What about him?

Corey tosses his hands up in frustration. What do you mean what about him?! How are you not as freaked out about this as I am?! And you know, a LITTLE help would be appreciated here!

Lux shakes her head, her resting bitch face no longer looking so restful. Help with what?!

Finding out who El Tiburon is! Derp! Then, turning around with his hands cupped about his mouth. HELPER!

HELPER emerges from underneath a stack of papers, sending even more of them floating everywhere as the spherical little robot rises into the air.

Would you like a status report, Corey?

Yes, HELPER!

Well, I'm happy to HELP! I've run probability matrices on 8 of your top 10 guesses on the identity of El Tiburon, using a combination of advanced statistics, historical precedent, facial and body mass recognition software....

Corey rolls his hand impatiently. Yeah, yeah, just the facts man.

Okie dokie! Here's the statistical breakdowns!

Rain: 2.7% chance
Madison Dyson: 1.9% chance

Lux looks at Corey incredulously. You seriously though El Tiburon was either of them?

Acclaimed star of stage and screen Tom Skerritt: 4.2%

Wait, he was HIGHER than Rain?!

Lux, please! Let the robot continue!

A time displaced John Wilkes Booth: .3%

Eh, it was a bit of a long shot, I'll admit.

Lux looks dumbfounded.

Abraham Lincoln, also displaced in time with the intent on coming to the future to kill time displaced John Wilkes Booth: .9%

Andy Kaufman: 13%

Corey smashes his fist down into his palm. KNEW IT!

Kuda: -100% chance.

Well, duh.

And lastly....Corey Smith from the future, after he was somehow separated from Lux's consciousness, brainwashed, and sent back in time to kill all of us: .002%

Corey clutches the sides of his head, looking like he's fixin' to panic. SO THERE'S A CHANCE? OH MY GOD! He tosses himself on the bed, to the accompaniment of the crinkling and tearing of the papers on it. Lux rolls her eyes and steps over to Corey's side, kneeling down so she's face to face with him.

Corey....honey....I'm going to need you to consider that you might be a little manic right now and that my robot is enabling you. Lux speaks this last part through gritted teeth without even sparing HELPER a glance.

HELPER's ear-sensors lower, and he looks shamefaced. I'm sorry! I'll just go back under these papers, I guess. HELPER drops to the floor and uses his ears like twin shovels so he can rebury himself under the refuse.

So usually you don't get like this unless something triggers you, so you want to tell me what's got you acting like a complete lunatic? Lux smiles a bit at the end to send the message home that she's only joking, but there's real concern on her face too.

Corey turns to face her, his face mushed against the papers. Can I have a Push-up first?

Of course, dear.

I like Push-ups. Did you remember to buy them?

Yes, I did. Flintstones Orange and Scooby-Doo Purple, just like you asked.

Okay. Corey slides off the bed, dragging a pile of file folders off with him, dumping them at the foot of the bed. He goes to the mini-fridge and pulls out a Flintstones Orange before returning to the bed and flopping back down on the bed with it. He pulls the wrapper off with his teeth and starts eating it without getting up.

You should probably eat sitting up so you don't choke.

'Kay. Corey slowly spins into his back and sits up. He pushes up the Push-pop, takes a bite, muses a bit, and then finally offers up, I'm acting real dumb, aren't I?

Lux sighs good naturedly. It's just your illness. At least you're turning to chemical laden confections over drugs. So, what's got you all in a tizzy?

I dunno, Lux. He shakes his head, pushing up the ice cream for another bite. I just think the stress is getting to me, you know? The assassins. Madison. The XWF. Having a girlfriend. And then, having a girlfriend who's going on hiatus so that she can play football in her underwear while tons of creepers ogle her! He swallows the last of his bite. It's all so crazy.

Craxy.

HATE YOU! He throws a pile of papers at Lux. Naturally, they pass right through her. Anyway, I guess I just got so used to things being totally over the top and insane that when we got booked against this El Tiburon guy, I knew that it somehow had to be equally as over the top and insane as the rest of my life! And, I guess I just kinda lost it.

Lux shrugs. Honestly, it's kind of understandable. I've put you through hell these last five months. So I can't blame you for assuming that there was no way El Tiburon WASN'T going to be some reality defying existential threat. But Corey, I think we're just going to have to accept the soft ball fate has pitched us this time. It's not always going to be pure unfettered insanity.

Corey nods and smiles reassuringly. I guess you're right. Sometimes a “one off comedy jobber from 5 years ago” really IS just a “one off comedy jobber from 5 years ago”.

That's the spirit! Although it does beg an interesting question. Like, is the XWF truly scrapping that far into the bottom of the barrel a mere 5 title defenses into my reign? What can I expect for my sixth defense? An intern? Somebody from catering? A catering intern? Jesus.... Lux suddenly looks distraught. That's depressing.

Do you need a Push-up?

Maybe later. But seriously though! I wanted to set this division on FIRE! I threw down challenges to some of the best in the business! And what am I getting? A guy ripping off Taylor Lautner's first foray into acting? This sucks!

Lux... Corey looks like he's measuring his next words carefully. ….maybe you've already outgrown this division.

Corey, we've discussed this! The XWF was a way to hone my skills, to get me back in fighting shape. I mean, yes, I care about it. Unfortunately I'm pathologically incapable of half assing anything. But there's no way I can wage my war against Madison and Aiwass and be the face of the XWF. Not at the same time.

Corey leans in, suddenly looking excited. Okay, but think of it this way! How much are you really improving your skills if you're treading water in a division with no real competition?

Lux mulls his words over. You could be right. But if not The TV title, then what?

Uhhhh, hello? Go after the Universal Championship!

Quite suddenly, longest reigning Universal Champion of the modern era The Engineer (he makes me say the whole damn thing, I swear) explodes out of a mountain of papers. Corey and Lux both jump in response!

The kid's goddamn right! GO AFTER THE UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP!

Holy shit!

AHHHHH! Corey takes a moment to recover from his mild heart attack. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?!

Long enough.

How did you get in?!

Engy scrunches his face up like he's just heard the stupidest fucking question he's ever heard. No time or place is beyond my reach. I go where I want, when I want. I'm like that Scott Blackula guy from Quantum Leap. And just like that guy, I'm here to set right what once went wrong! Namely, Lux bitching out on going after the big belt!

I'm not bitching out, Dexter. Lux scolds, before remembering he can't even see or hear her.

She says she's not bitching out. But it's a lie.


Look, Lux.... Engy faces the far wall to address her, but Corey subtly points him in the right direction. He turns back around so that he's facing her. Look Lux, what's it gonna be? Huh? You gonna slum it up on Savage where management can't find you a decent fight to save their dumb boring stupid lives, or are you gonna go where the real money's at?

Lux starts to respond, then looks frustrated. She points at Corey. Can I just...?

Yeah, sure.

Lux vanishes, and Corey's body suddenly slumps over a bit, before becoming reanimated with Lux at the wheel. First off, I'm not bitching out!

Dexter jerks back around again to look at her. Fuck this is confusing!

Yeah, join the club with the Savage announce team. Dexter, I can't be the face that the XWF needs. Bottom line. You become the Universal Champion, it means marketing, appearances, commitments, media. You should know that.

Engy looks confused. And then he laughs. Oh wow, you think Shane let me do media appearances?! I mean, I did once but it was for this weird show where I was told to sit in a chair by some douche reporter guy and then all these TV cameras came out and then I got arrested when I went outside. It was a whole bunch of bullshit and all I was trying to do was get some strange!

Lux looks horrified. You didn't happen to get this girl's number from Michael Graves, did you?

How did you know?! Yeah, but anyway Shane paid lotsa money to make it go away and that was the last time he let me on TV.

Yeah.....wow. Uhhhhh.... She shakes her head. Okay, anyway, that may have been the case for you, but do you honestly think Vinnie is gonna pass up the chance to parade Corey's adorable photogenic self all over? And besides, it's not just that. Being Universal Champion is a tremendous amount of pressure and I just can't afford the distraction.

Well fine, bitch out! Engy heads for the door and opens it. Some friend you are. Robert Main is “this close” to shittin' on the legacy of a dying man and you don't wanna do nothin' about it! Engy leaves, slamming the door behind him.

Wait! Lux calls out, but naturally, he doesn't respond. Damn it....