Lacklan
World's best at making murderhobos cry
XWF FanBase:
The 'cool' kliq fans
(booed by casual fans; opportunistic; often plays dirty while setting the trends)
(Where is my roster page?)
Joined: Tue Feb 19 2019
Posts: 869
355,081
Likes Given: 54
Likes Received: 1,079 in 507 posts
Hates Given: 19
Hates Received: 55 in 51 posts
Hates Given: 19
Hates Received: 55 in 51 posts
Reputation:
63
X-Bux: ✘60,190
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03-26-2019, 07:02 PM
![[Image: Reh4LMg.gif]](https://i.imgur.com/Reh4LMg.gif)
Hey there! Ashley Allen here once again! Now, I didn’t MEAN to bust out a selection of comparison AGAIN today, even THOUGH my mailbox is FULL of people practically BEGGING me for them, so that’s NOT why I’m here! To the contrary, I’m here on XWF television...or whatever we have...to talk up something that is coming to your monthly mailbox REAL soon:
The #CoolRankings!
There are people within the Legion who LOOOOOVE numbers...and I’m one of them! My technical job, outside of that whole “used to be the personal assistant running all OVER town for the two Bossladies” thing, was to be in charge of the number crunching nerds! A BIG part of our responsibilities is to look at records, performances, title wins, et cetera, and give them a QUANTIFIABLE bearing. See, people can talk about their records, or how many titles they’ve won, or even how much they tried but in the REAL world, the world OUTSIDE of giving suckjobs (allegedly!) to bookers for title matches in your VERY DEBUT as a wrestler is based on FACTS and FIGURES. And unlike a Lux promo where he just makes up random shit about his opponents in hopes that enough of the audience are squeezing their chickens as hard as Duke that they won’t notice how ZERO of his claims are based on anything that has axly happened, MY job is to report on DATA.
Its pretty simple, really: You get points for winning. Bonus points for a title match! And a BIG FAT ZERO for losses or draws, because the ONLY thing that matters in life is winning! And while I won’t be releasing the FIRST BATCH of XWF #CoolRankings until AFTER the March Madness Pay Per View, I CAN give you a SMALL hint about the rankings:
Drezdin isn’t rated highly.
Um...hold on...getting a text…
Oh snap! It’s the REAL bossman, Vinnie Lane! Hold on, need to respond real quick. Got a contract with him, and all….
| Double D Supreme |
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| Hiya, Vinnie! |
Waiting...waiting...wa-
Oh wow. Vinnie is PISSED about something. Better try to placate him.
| Double D Supreme |
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| Are you okay? |
Wa-
Oh! Now I see. Hold on…
| Double D Supreme |
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| Listen, I KNOW you like Drezdin, okay? But you have to win matches to get #CoolPoints! It’s not MY fault he’s illiterate! |
Damn, that was fast.
| Double D Supreme |
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| Well...I mean...I GUESS I could sneak him some bonus points? Not sure how I would, though.... |
Wow. That IS a hell of an idea.
| Double D Supreme |
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You think that would work? Filing him under the “Mental  ” medical waiver that you give to Lux so that he’s allowed to wrestle as a someone who basically has Tourette’s and just says the same five or six words over again? You think that I could sneak past this MASSIVE handicap we give Lux in-ring so to Drezdin in the Rankings? |
| Double D Supreme |
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| Okay, man. I’ll make it work. I’ll treat Drezdin’s matches the same way that everyone treats Lux’s promo skills: With the same massive handicap you give the Down’s Syndrome kid who is taking bat at T-Ball. We’ll give him EVERY break and chance we can! |
| Double D Supreme |
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| Really? You sure? YOU want me to do another set of comparisons already? |
| Double D Supreme |
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| Will do man! FOR YOU! Oh, and I’m going to send you a pic of my chest so that you know what NATURAL Ds look like. |
| Double D Supreme |
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| Will do man! FOR YOU! Oh, and I’m going to send you a pic of my chest so that you know what NATURAL Ds look like. I think I have that one where I was that Potter chick for Halloween. |
| Double D Supreme |
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#GlobalStipActivated!
Anyway, YOU heard the bossman! So lets get to it!
- #CoolRankings, in association with Dark Goddess Productions, presents -
The Final Four of the King of the Ring Tournament represented as:
Musical Performances
Sar: Katy Perry halftime performance - Because bitch is FULL of color, is an EXPLOSION of performance themes, and just about everything she does starts a meme!
Lux: That one time Kenny G broke the “Longest Note” record - So, like,, no question, it was SUPER impressive to see what he did, right? Used circulatory breathing, however that even WORKS, and held out a single not for, like, two hours. And that’s the thing about Lux promos: Technically challenged, super long, and ALL one note, over and again, with no change in pace, flavor, or inflection
Game Girl: That random dude in college who performed the Mario Bros. theme on his piano - This nerdy Asian dude had, like, three people show up to it
Dolly: Country Dick Montana as a part of the Beat Farmers at this one show in Canda back in ‘95 - Dude died in the middle of one of his songs. Please follow suit!
The Final Four of the King of the Ring Tournament represented as:
Twitter Wrestlers
Sar: @amiradoe - Because Amira is AMAZING
Lux: @UnbreakableSMJ - This chick thinks she shoots fire and is “Unbreakable,” but she busts out that BLOCK button as soon as her feels get hurt...which is probs what is going to happen HERE when Lux taps out clean in the middle of the ring after two weeks of his nonsense being exposed by a marketing genius
Game Girl: @EavanFnMaloney - Because you’re just going to disappear after this whole tournament thing is over, and probably “forget” any of it even happened, just like you do every other time you lose
Dolly: @CyberpunkStoner’s husband - Ask Roxy why!
The Final Four of the King of the Ring Tournament represented as:
XWF Championship Title Belts
Sar: The Universal Title - Glorious and renowned, the APEX better watch out.
Lux: Federweight - Bullshit championship for a bullshit amateur
Game Girl: Heavymetalweight - Changed hands so many times that we have forgotten who has lost them, which is perfect for the person who conveniently only remembers when she wins
Dolly: Tag Team - Yeah, I GET that she’s the Hart Champion...whatever that axly means...but this is the thing that Sar will lead her to. Of course, by “lead” I mean “Sar does 90% of the work and lets the little titty baby brat join in for 10%”
The Final Four of the King of the Ring Tournament represented as:
Sex Lives
Sar: Its DISGUSTING that I know this, but YOUR “vacation sex” is Sar’s everyday sex with the OTHER Bosslady. So. Much. Ew.
Lux: Transitional surgery in the future, but currently getting his job rimmed by Duke, so at least that’s something?
Game Girl: Video2Video masterbation. Close, I guess, but nowhere NEAR completion.
Dolly: She’s a living, breathing representation of the #ForeverAlone meme.
The Final Four of the King of the Ring Tournament represented as:
Founding Fathers
Sar: George Washington - The MAN. Beloved by just about everyone, a fierce warrior, peerless general, and groundbreaking statesman.
Lux: John Adams - Amazing in the very beginning, but then was the BIGGEST FLOP as a president of the first 50 years, some would even argue 100. Also: Got fat
Game Girl: John Hancock - Flashy signature, and even got to be the president of the Second Continental Congress, but did just about FUCK ALL after that. Some would argue: Pretty insubstantial when compared to giants.
Dolly: Alexander Hamilton - Needs a musical 200 years later to make up things about him to make him interesting. Also: Dead WAY before anyone else. Probs the best part, really.
Well, that’s it for now! Stay tuned for the very first batch of XWF #CoolRankings the day after March Madness!
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