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Kuda · (03-19-2019)

And with all the ferocity of a fainting goat with Battered Woman Syndrome, the new(er) guy blinks first. Hoping for some sort of creativity from a man named ‘Ned,’ in hindsight, was probably asking a little much.

A millennia of matches, you say? Are you referring to the time Kuda took the Federweight title from Kid Kool using less energy than you did trying to memorize all those fancy words from a thesaurus before that dangerously bland promo of yours? Or are you talking about the time John Rogan kept insisting on groping Kuda instead of winning the title? Yeah, I’m sure you researched that one real hard. The likelier answer is that your ‘research’ time kept getting interrupted by your constant bean flicking to a plethora of PornHub searches related to large black men dominating whiny, white sissies.

You know how much actual research Kuda will be doing into the ‘career’ of Ned Kaye? Zero. The indy darling story is SO overused, not unlike the fistfuls of emergency contraceptive your mother would have taken had she known what a bland, uninteresting creature you’d turn out to be. Kuda isn’t the most internet savvy guy in the world, and I’ll be damned if his introduction to it is watching you earn your beer money by holding a chinlock for six minutes at a NAMBLA convention.

Outside of Kuda, this match is full of never-will-be’s who probably have their bags packed and are just waiting to be shown the door. You’re no different, Ned. Your type is as easy to read as they come; small fish in a tiny pond with no ability to self-evaluate. You’re going to lose this match and slink back into obscurity where you belong. You were spot on about being done a disservice though, I can’t deny you that. This is going to be like watching a fawn learn to walk while trapped in a lion’s den—adorable, but we all knows what happens to the helpless little fella.

As for the rest of the field, what’s there for me to say? Kid Kool proved to be the smartest of the bunch when he didn’t even attempt to kick out when Kuda took the belt. He just laid back and took it; similar to Ned Kaye’s prison rape preparedness plan once he gets locked up for boring us all to death. John Rogan? More interested in flirting than fighting, I wouldn’t be surprised if he walks down to the ring with a bouquet of roses and a pre-packed asshole full of Vaseline. The other two? I would literally have to look up their names on the XWF’s website to recall, I’m not even sure they’re actual wrestlers to be quite honest.

What a tragedy that Kuda won the Federweight title. Not only is he stuck defending this instead of dominating the best this roster has to offer, he has to do so against opposition with zero chance of ever beating him. Have fun jockeying for second place.

Raj heads off screen while Kuda remains seated, wearing his “Where’s Gator?” t-shirt.

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