“Ever wonder what its like to be awesome?”

Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan sits at a dining table in all of her glory. Her hair loose with the front pulled up into a set of intricate braids as to seem a crown, her translucent black veil clipped in place to fall to her chin, the red irises blazing through from underneath her thick glasses. She wears a strapless green gown, the color enough to help her lips and eyes pop even more red. The large tattoo of a mask in white was evident on her right shoulder, and her dress dipped deep enough into her chest to be quite generous with her cleavage, though her moonlight skin was covered with enough jewels to hide anything Drezdin might be interested in.

“I don’t. Because I basically just wake up and BLAMO! Awesomesauce!”

She idly plays with a shawl wrapped around her arms, a bright multi-colored thing made of many feathers of different birds. Lithe fingers tipped in nails lacquered black, tiny red and yellow flames adorning them, gently run up and down the feathers.

“Like, I GET that its difficult for a lot of you, ya know? I GET that some of you have to wake up, spend an hour in the shower in order to wash away the ick and grime of being NORMAL, or even worse, MEDIOCRE, which basically takes, like, acid or something. And THEN you have to take another half an hour combing through your greasy hair in order to get it looking at least a third of the way towards decent. But, if you’re Lux, that means CRACK! The mirror you just looked into broke. Because HOOOO BOY, amIright?”

The camera shakes sideways as a server approaches with menus.

“Oh, come on! That was funny! And being trolled by ME is going to be the GREATEST moment in Lux’s CAREER! Like, EVER!”

A deep and resounded sigh as Sarah takes the menu from the server and gives the older man her Billion $$$ smile. The man with the grisled hair and clean face returns her smile and takes in both her and the person behind the camera.

“Good evening, ladies, welcome to Ruth’s Chris. May I start you off with some drinks?”

“Yes! I’ll take a Sauvignon, and my wife will-”

““Bring me a Michelob Ultra!”

Sarah sighs and lightly places her head into her hands.

“...you and your shitty beer…”

““And we’re going to split the surf and turf. My baby will eat the steak and I’m ALL ABOUT the Maine Lobster tonight.”

Sarah’s head snaps up at that comment. Her eyes go back and forth between her wife, clearly recording his on her iShit Phone, and the beer order that their waiter was writing down.

“Wh-”

““Make sure you get REALLY DEEP in the tank for it. I like DEEP DIVING for Maine Lobster.”

Sarah’s cheeks turn a shade of scarlet that looks like one of the lobsters being ordered as the waiter walks away with a confused expression on his face. Sarah breathes out slowly for a few seconds before mumbling to herself.

“...damnit...Roxy is going to see this...and she knows...”

A hand, deep caramel in color and lined with tiny tattoos, reaches into the camera’s view and grasps one of Sarah’s, the two colors a stark contrast to one another.

““DEEP fishing!”

Sarah’s cheeks turn even more red as she pushes away the hand, and the voice behind the camera snickers. Sarah clears her throat and sets the smile back onto her face before looking square into the camera again.

“N-E-WAY! Now, I know that this little video is going to be a MASSIVE surprise to most of the XWF. See, this is what we call a promo! Formally known as a promotional video-”

The voice sighs as deeply as before.

“-this is where we all use our killer marketing skills in order to hype up our next match, get people to buy in to it...and thereby buy tickets and merch...and, in general, make sure that people give a flying fuck about what is going on. Now, this is totes a surprise for MOST of the XWF because, let’s face it, the turnout for the most recent Savage Saturday was kinda shitty! And NOT in the GOOD shitty, like how my-”

She flings back her hair and we hear a series of ascending piano notes coming from the recording smartphone.

“-MARKETING GENIUS turned ‘shit up’ into a thing, but in the BAD way where only FIFTY PERCENT of possible videos got made! Now, that MAY seem like a lowball number, but that’s the REAL number! Like, I’m not the BEST at math...because F that shit...but if there are twelve people on the card...and we all get a chance to record two videos...that makes twenty four videos…and we only got twelve! That’s pretty shitty! And you want to know why only half the videos got recorded?”

Sarah sits in silence. Her face turns down, her strong features hardening to show the devil in place of the angel.

“I SAID do you WANT TO KNOW WHY only half the videos got recorded?!”

““Oh! Um...why, Sarah, why?”

Sarah raises her eyes past the camera for a moment and narrows them, the twin dots of red lost in a sea of eyeshadow clearly taking in the starlet behind the camera.

“...because,” she says through clenched teeth before turning her eyes back to the camera and allowing the features of the demon to soften into the angel once more. “My name was NOT on the marquee! See, when you do THIS:”

She raises her hands up into the air, drawing our imaginations to picture the marquee.

“Blood Princess...the Red and Black...the REVOLUTION...Sarah Lacklan…”

Her eyes sparkle in the lights in the ceiling of the restaurant.

“When you put MY name...the entire BUSINESS is galvanized! Not ONLY did my FIRST match in the XWF SELL OUT the Madison Square Garden, it got the entire COMPANY hyped up! People couldn’t WAIT to cut promos when I was on the card! People couldn’t WAIT to show me what they had! People couldn’t WAIT to get into MY good graces! But when you do THIS:”

She snaps her fingers and wiggles them as she puts her arms down.

“When you go POOF! No Lacklan on the marquee?”

She shrugs her shoulders.

“We don’t sell out. We have to HEAVILY paper the Amway to get it filled. And the roster just kinda goes ‘meh’ and gives half their potential. Because when you aren’t wrestling for the approval of the Matron of Pigeons, it's just not the same, ya know? My peers mope around, their shoulders falling to the ground, their heads low. They cried out into the night: ‘Why?! Why, Vinnie?! Why make us wrestle under a main event featuring one of the Fucktard Boys and someone would would rather flick her bean to Final Fantasy Fifteen or that shitfest Witcher game or whatever else was lame in 2016? WHY?!’ And unfortunately for them, Vinnie didn’t have an answer other than shrug his shoulders and say ‘Dude” six times.

“And that’s what happens when I’m not the feature of the card, ya know? People don’t show up. Wrestlers aren’t inspired to be their best so that I can give them a pat on the head. Advertisers groan and look gleefully at the PRIOR week’s ratings. But thankfully for them, while my next match isn’t the last to go on, I AM involved in what will be the REAL main event of the evening: Handing me the Queen of the Ring trophy.”

Sarah pauses as the waiter arrives with their drinks. He sets Kenzi’s bottle of beer beyond the view of the camera and then Sarah’s glass of red wine. She smiles at it but then her smile slips as she recognizes the tune that Kenzi suddenly starts humming as she picks up her beer: The B-52’s Rock Lobster. Sarah looks at the waiter and whispers ”...um...better bring me a few more…” which just causes Kenzi to giggle again. Sarah shakes her head and looks back at the camera.

“Now, before Eli gets all triggered again, YES I KNOW that its the King of the Ring. But...c’mon now...the Final Four in this tournament is mostly chicks, with nearly ALL the boys left in the preliminary rounds, so lets face facts, ya know? This is about who is queen. This is about who stands tall with a regal poise. This is about who the company realizes is the BEST person for leading them into the next age and era of wrestling. And that, as I broke down for E-Jam so effectively last week, is ME. And certainly NOT my semis opponent, Lux.

“Now I GET that I have my detractors that are all ‘ERMAHGERD U IZ TEH CORPORATE’ simply because Vinnie jerked himself off so hard when I dropped E-Jam into the Abyss the he needed to ice down Big Tony for a couple of days, but really, there is ZERO company love for me. Well, besides how Roxy is totes my BFF and she worships the ground I walk on, ya know? If ANYTHING, everyone who is sliding into my DMs over my ‘advantages’ should look no further than Lux! I mean, SHIT, his VERY FIRST FUCKING MATCH in the XWF was for a title! Legit, who did he suck off in a bathroom stall to get THAT kind of red carpet, amIright? Probably that Shane dude; Rox warned me about him, and considering his obsession with bear scat, I REALLY don’t want to know what Lux did to get such treatment!

“Of course...he lost. Because...of course he did. Like, I GET that there are people sticking their tongues up his ass an all, but what did they all expect? Some punk kid in his first match to beat Vita for her Extreme title? Whatev! He did for Vita what he no doubt did for Shane in the first place: Bent over and got fucked. And, sure, he enjoyed some wins after that, but, hey, even Drezdin could probs pin Cadryn two weeks in a row, ya know? Talk about a dumb name! And, so we’re all clear: KOing someone who has won, like, one match all year? Not exactly something to write home about, ya know?

“Now, I KNOW that everyone is all ‘BUT HE’S WON TWO TOURNAMENT MATCHES,’ and those mouth-breathers DO have a point there, but like MANY points the Kid Kool’s of the world have, it doesn’t pass much in the way of scrutiny. Because El Principe is as ‘random lucha dude in a mask doing backflips’ as possible, and the masterbater dude is so busy thinking that ‘ZOMG UNSTOPPABLE RICH GUY’ is a GOOD idea that he doesn’t even understand how much he sucks! Legit, I assume that Mastermind and Gilmore are the Tag Team of Teh Ambiguous Suck!

“All this means, for any of you who DON’T do their research, is that Lux is SHIT when facing GOOD competition, like in Vita, and GOOD when facing SHIT competition like the chick with the dumb name and those dudes who are basically just using their bodies to fill up the tournament. I, on the other hand, beat the current Television Champ and the BIG SCARY MONSTER who was supposed to change the world in his rebirth. Or in other words, I am the single most DOMINANT person seen in the tournament.

“See, I FULLY understand that Lux is a GREAT opening act. Legit! He’s cute...for a boy...with some killer abs, right? And he punches hard. And...well...that’s about it. A cute...for a boy...one-trick pony. Great to start the show! Great to pop the crowd that has halfway filled the arena, right? A PERFECT option to entertain the diehards who watch EVERY match, including the things which might as well be untelevised, and other people who got there WAY early in order to beat the traffic and the lines. But is he main event? Is he an attraction? Is he the person to put on the marquee?”

Sarah shakes her head slowly.

“Nope. Not a main eventer. Not a leader of this newest revolution. Great person to have in the undercard...or perhaps for tomorrow’s stars to get a hard-won victory over...but certainly not what the whole company can get behind. That’s me. That’s my brand. MY brand is excellence. MY brand is star power. MY brand is all about filling the audience, inspiring the next generation, and getting them all to come back next time. MY brand is all about KILLING IT in these special events and tournaments.

“See, when it comes to the proverbial rodeo, this is not my first. Along with capacity crowds and standing ovations, my name is becoming synonymous with tournaments! And, unlike the kid I’m facing, I know two HUGE things when it comes to tournaments: I know how to win them...AND how to lose them.

“See, in 2017, I entered in five different tournaments. I got to the second round in NGIW before losing to the eventual winner, which wasn’t too bad for a rookie! And, believe you me, losing to Joe Stanton is nothing to be ashamed of! Then I entered and WON the UGWC WrestleStock, baby! But I wasn’t done, not by a long shot. I entered into the Ladies Allstar Queen of the Ring and got to the finals, as well as the Elysium Wideawake Tournament, also getting to the finals, and in both cases I lost to people with more experience than I have than years with boobs!”

A clear humming comes from behind the camera and Sarah gives one of her infamously massive eyerolls while whispering ”...perv…” before continuing.

“In both June of last year and February of this year, I found myself the finalist in a tournament, losing only to the shear excellence that is my fellow #CoolKids sisters in my Beloved and Roxy Cotton. And it is because of that, because I know EXACTLY what it is like to both hoist the trophy into the air and place it on my mantel...AND to see it slip through my fingers at the last moment...that I am the MOST prepared of ANY person in this tournament. I know what it is like be filled with the twin rushes of success and defeat, and know how to avoid over-excitement in either regard.

“Lux? He doesn’t understand much of that. Only a handful of matches under his belt and he has experienced very little in the way of quality opposition. And that difference between us, that difference between facing some jerk-offs and both defeating and losing to world champions and members of halls of fame, that is going to separate his semi-finals placement and my tournament-winning performance. Because something is going to happen in our match on the thirty-first, something he’s never run into, something he’s not prepared for, and it is going to spell his doom:

“I’m going to get up.”

Sarah pauses as their waiter arrives with a large plate and sets it down onto the table between her and the camera. Sarah’s odd red eyes stare at the hunk of lined meat with a clear hunger, but as the waiter takes his leave, the caramel hand with the tiny tattoos comes back into the camera and thin fingers caress the lobster tail with the softness of a lover.

““Maine...lobster...tail…”

The finger then dips itself into the butter.

““With LOTS of butter.”

Sarah’s cheeks redden for a third time and she breathes out deeply.

“We are in PUBLIC.”

Once again, that giggle from behind the camera as the caramel hand takes away the lobster and butter. Sarah breathes out deeply again and puts her smile back onto her face before looking into the camera.

“I can already see the match, ya know? Lux is going to come in strong, chucking bombs, and probably nail me with his legit l33t skillz, right? Going to blast me across the face and my eyes are going to cross. I’m going to crumble. He’s going to walk into this corner with his arms down and his face set, confident that the match is over. The ref is going to check on me, his hand already halfway in the direction of the bellkeeper, ready to call it as over.

“And then I’m going to get up.

“Lux? He won’t be prepared for that. He’s going to assume that I went down just as fast as El Flippador a few weeks ago. Going to assume that it’s over. He won’t know what to do. He’ll double down on Plan A and shoot in. And then I’m going to connect with HIS chin with a sick right hook. And then HE’LL crumble. But unfortunately for him, I’m not going to walk into the corner. I’m not going to assume its over. Because, unlike him, I’ve been there. I’ve been rocked. I’ve had an opponent down that I thought was out. So I’m going to jump on him. I’m going to be all OVER him. Raining down blow after blow after blow. Kicks, knees, elbows. I’ll get into the mount, feel those sweet abs of his under my ass, and drop fist after fist. He’s going to cover up, because he doesn’t know what ELSE to do. He’s never been here! He’s never been in this situation! So he’ll cover up! Which is what I was waiting for.”

Sarah’s smile turns wistful.

“Remember when I asked if you have ever wondered what it would be like to be awesome? Similar question: Ever wondered what it FEELS like when you make a joint pop out? Ever wondered what it SOUNDS like? I don’t need to wonder, because I KNOW. When the POP happens? When you FEEL that little tear of tendons as a joint gets ripped apart? Lets face it: Its basically orgasmic. And all the ground and pound I’ll be doing on Lux? All the smashing and bashing? All set up to rip his arm out and have that orgasm. Because he IS going to cover up. And I AM going to grab his arm, push off to the side, kick out with my legs so that he has to turn onto his side, and slither my way behind him. And once there? Its just a matter of pulling his arm up into a chickenwing...snaking my other arm under him and around his throat...pulling and squeezing at the same time so that my hands can clench...and then POP! Pigeonwing applied and he’s either tapping or snapping. And either way, probably crying.

“Oh! Speaking of!”

Wistfulness is replaced by clear mischief.

“I REALLY hope that whoever talks to Lux...which probably is no one...because he looks and smells like a bum, ya know...er...anyway...I REALLY hope that someone passes along this message: Please don’t cry. See, I have this tendency to ‘get into the feels’ of edgelord tryhards throughout this business. I have this tendency to break them down so bad mentally, to get them SO hyped up on the idea of beating me, that when they find themselves looking up into the lights like he is going to that they end up crying their eyes out in the back. Hell, sometimes right in the middle of the ring! They’ll start CRYING, and then CRY as they walk to the back, and then CRY as they get looked over by the medic, and then CRY on the way to the hotel, and then CRY in group DMs about how I’m SO MEAN and SO TOXIC. So, I’m kinda worried that Lux is going to do the same, so I hope people get that message to him.

“See, this is NOT going to be a good couple of weeks for the kid. Like, I TOTES get that he’s going to show us this MASSIVE show about all the dumbass shit in his life, right? I GET that he’s going to give us a peek into his fantasies and silliness, is going to create videos which are probs technically good but also BORING AS ALL FUCK because where the FUCK is the wrestling. I GET that he is going to regale us with adventures from near and far, break space/time continuums and plausibility. I GET that he’s going to go into this with all his midcard-level ‘Can do!’ pluck. But, as the time between now and March Madness closes, I’m going to break him and his entire bit down. I’m going to show you how horrendously, overwhelmingly, unmistakably STUPID his ENTIRE FUCKING BIT is. By the end of it all, everyone watching us is going to realize that Lux’s bullshit idiocy is at a level that makes him an honorary inductee into Team Fucktard with the Blackwells, and how there is ZERO doubt about where his place in this company lies.”

Sarah giggles before leaning in so as to be more intimate with the camera.

“Last week, I told E-Jam that I really hoped I would get to face Lux in the tournament, and I was, thankfully, granted my wish. Because what’s going to happen in the next few days? It’s going to be brutal. It’s going to be vicious. And, my God, it’s going to be beautiful. Now if you will all excuse me, I have dinner plans.”

““And plans for after!”

The caramel hand lined with the tattoos comes back into the shot, pushing the now empty tray of lobster tail towards Sarah, and the albino can do nothing but blush again.