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Lacklan · (02-03-2021)

~~Presenting the PrincessTwilightSexyFang, as viewed on that streaming app FILLED with awesomesauce, CoolTube~~

HIIIIII-iiiiiiii Fang Gang!

Whoa, dude! What are you doing?!

((the camera is filled with the sight that brings hardons of incells and high-scoring jocks alike, the dangerously beautiful face of the “Vampire of Lacklanland,” but then it swings to the familiar mug of Vinnie Lane, who’s usual “whatever?” attitude is completely replaced by wide-eyed horror))

What do you mean? I’m just recording my vlog.

Dude! But you’re DRIVING!

I know! Roxy said it was cool.

She’s right, bb.

((the camera swings away from the terrified XWF owner and to the back seat where, you guessed it, Roxy Cotton sits in all of her bombshell blonde glory. The Plastic Diva checks her makeup in a compact without a care in the world as car horns honk with a decided anxiety and fear))

I told her it was okay.

You guys are crazy!

It’s craxy, Vinnie! I don’t make up this shit for you to NOT use it!

((the camera swings back to the albino hawtness, and the wrestling and media star flashes her famous Billion $$$ smile for everyone at home))

Its me, your reason for being, the owner of the badass house where ALL the magic happens, Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan here, to introduce ALL of you WONDERFUL XWF Fang Gangers out there to my utter brilliance. For those of you who DON’T know me...which means you might as well have spent the last couple of years living under a rock...in Iraq, for that matter...I’m wrestling’s greatest -

((she flips back her hair with one hand, which causes the car to wildly swerve into the wrong lane, and a car zooms by in the background which features the driving letting the psychopath know what number they think she is))

-MARKETING GENIUS, and I’m here in XWF because my bee eff eff Roxy-

Hello, bbs!

-told me that you guys were doing a tournament, and since I’m all Mama Tournaments, I just HAD to show up! See, I’ve got this thing, right? This thing where I travel around the world like a true badass and beat up people in tournaments? I mean, I don’t always win the things...cause that’s silly...and I don’t just join the ones that I know I’m going to win ahead of time like some OTHER people I know...but I ALWAYS do great! Not only have I been a finalist in, like, a bajillion of them-

((behind her, Roxy barely turns a barking laugh into a fake cough. Sarah shoots her a gaze that causes the car to swerve wildly again, but the suspicious eyes behind the thick as FLAME glasses find nothing but a look of pure innocence from her friend. Sarah turns back to the camera, gets back into her own lane in the nick of time, and smiles back into her phone on the dash))

-but I have won them, too! Like, legit, I have this coolio mantel at home, right? And, like just about everything I own, its a mantel made out of rare wood from this forest that isn’t on any maps, right? And on that mantel made of rare wood and is dusted for evil dirt three times a day by servants-

((Roxy coughs loudly behind her))

-I mean employees! Same thing. N-E-Way, that mantel has this PHAT DADDY trophy on it with my name...and another just like it with my Beloved’s name, but that’s beside the point...and that trophy is SOOOO LONELY…

((Sarah pauses but there is just silence. She scowls with her terribly beautiful face and opens her mouth wide))

I SAID THAT IT IS SOOOOO LONELY!

How lonely is it?!

((Roxy giggles as the terrified Vinnie plays the McMahon to the psycho’s Carson))

Its SOOOOO LONELY that it is just BEGGING to have a buddy with it! And so when Roxy, my totes bee eff eff-

Love ya, bb

-I just KNEW I had to come here and beat down some losers and nobodies in order to give my trophy some lovin’! And WHOOO BOOOOY is this place full of losers and nobodies! I mean, I’m WELL aware that, after this vlog, at LEAST fifty percent of the roster is going to be heading over to wikifeet and entering in my name, which I don’t blame them for, since my feet are HELLA cute, and I’m PRETTY SURE that Drezdin has been stalking me on social media ever since that time Roxy did her cam show from my network-

Biggest rating your vlog ever had, bb

-but the REALITY is that, instead of jerking off to me like I was starring in some “cum on glasses” compilation, you SHOULD be pissing yourselves! Because THIS 5’2” of world-beating kickassocity has this nasty little habit of kicking dumb people in the middle of their flippy shit nonsense, tying them up after they have crashed to the ground with my foot in their mouth, and then making them tap out and cry about it in the mirror in the back. See, while lots of people have these craxy-ass movesets where they basically copied whatever they saw in a video game, MY moveset is built to kick the teeth out of jobbers, snap the arms of losers, and fill vials after vials of the tears of my opponents. And after all of that, there is still time to hit the club with my friends. Like, this one time-

((the sound of a woman moaning in extacy comes out of the phone. Sarah smiles brightly, Vinnie blushes, and Roxy rolls her eyes in the back. Sarah takes a hand off the wheel, again causing the car to swerve and poor Vinnie to shriek as another car nearly hits them, so that she can push a button on her SWEET Windows phone))

‘Sup, Beloved!

((onto the viewscreen comes Kenzi Grey-Lacklan, the caramel skinned beauty of westling and multimedia fame. With her long thin brains pulled back into a thick tail, she looks remarkably like a Predator. Well, one with freckles, anyway. And whose sweat smells like gumdrops))

Hey, Babe. Were you going to pick up dinner, or…?

Oh! Totes!

((she whips her head round to look at Vinnie and then Roxy, the car again careening to the side))

You guys got a taste for anything?

Jesus, dude!

Eyes on the road, bb.

By Tom Cruise’s dimple! Are you DRIVING?!

((Sarah whips her head around, her platinum braid snapping))

Obvs! I was just-

Why did you answer your phone?! Oh my-

-doing my vlog and-

AND YOUR VLOG ON TOM CRUISE’S BUTT YOU’RE CRAZY!

Damnit, Wife! What’s the point of me making up words like “craxy” if you don’t use them?

DAMNIT SAR CALL ME WHEN YOU STOP DRIVING

((the ebony goddess flashes off the screen and it returns to just the image of the albino princess from Maine. Sar rolls her eyes with such energy and deepness that everyone watching actually feels it))

Sweet Baby Jesus, wives are the WORST.

((she shoots Vinnie a sideways glance))

Hey, Vin-Man?

‘Sup?

When ARE you two getting married, anyway?

((Vinnie hums and has as his face turns purple and Roxy’s eyes go wide behind her sunglasses))

Um...er...how about you talk about your opponent, Sar?

One of the Fucktard Bros, right?

Brothers of Blackwood, bb

That’s what I said. Fucktard Bros.

Um...sure.

((Sar stares into the camera as she pulls a “Good luck, everybody!” move and crosses four lanes at once))

So! Yeah! Tournament! First round comes around and the bookers...which MAY be my buddy Vinnie? I think? Whatevs...the bookers put me against Fucktard Bro #2. Now, reality is that while I, the-

((she flips her braid back and ascending piano notes comes from somewhere to play harmony with the chorus of angry and/or shocked commuters honking their horns))

-MARKETING GENIUS am utterly unique, the Fucktard Bros seem to be carbon copies of one another. Yes, yes, I’m sure all three of their fans are all ZOMG THEY ARE TOTES DIFFERENT FROM ONE ANOTHER AND HAVE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES, we all know better. See, this business is FULL of wrestling families with twins, triplets, cousins who are world-class wrestlers even though no one had heard of them until last Tuesday, and totally healthy babies who are born six months after conception and have year-old pictures on twitter before they are nine months old, and the Fucktard Bros are no exception.

Now, I GET that you guys have extremely stupid names...and that’s cool, I mean, shit, I’m from Maine...but that’s not even where the shittiness ends! In MY world, we do things like train, and fight, and bang, but in YOUR world you do dumbass shit like stand in front of a mirror, right? Five bucks says you’ve busted out a time machine or rubbed a lamp, too. Because in what I have seen of this company, of which you guys might as well be the poster trio of dipshittery, EVERYTHING around here is Lame-O-3000. So, while I appreciate that you just won the Television title from some half-illiterate moron, there is NOW WAY I am jobbing out to some dude named Donovan Fucktard.

Hey Sar, didn’t you JUST lose to Donov-

SHIT UP, ROXY! NOT HELPING!

((Roxy smirks into her phone as Sarah weaves back into her lain and allows her face, which had turned into that of some angular demon, to smooth back into its icy beauty))

Here’s the reality for you, Fucktard #2: You have NEVER seen ANYTHING like me. You’ve never seen someone who kicks as hard as me. You’ve never seen anyone who promotes like me. You’ve never seen anyone who rides the waves of politics like me. You’ve never seen a WRESTLER like me. But you? I’ve been actively wrestling for two years, and worked as a valet for years before that, and I have seen YOU just about EVERYWHERE. I’ve seen guys who LOOK like you. I’ve seen guys who TALK like you. I’ve seen guys who MOVE like you. And in the last couple of years, I’ve BEATEN guys like you so many times over and again that I’m just about BORED with YOU.

See, here’s what’s gonna happen: You’re gonna saunter on down to that ring, and probably take for granted my size and youth, right? You’re gonna smirk. And laugh. And maybe even do that thing where guys hold their hands up for a test a strength, which happens to be my buddy Roxy’s FAVE move, and you’ll hold it up a too high for me to reach. And you’ll laugh, and the crowd with jeer, and the ref will tell us to get on with it, and the play-by-play guy will denounce you for being a jerk while the color guy says you’re amazeballs. And then you’ll do it again. Hell, maybe even a third time! And when that happens? BLAM! Kick to the balls. You’ll reach down for Mr. Winkie, Cpt. Charlie, and Lt. Haas, hold onto what is left of their flaccid and flattened conditions, and find yourself flipped over backward and being driven down into the Abyss.

Because that’s what I do, Dono-Boy. I fuck egotistical bitches like you up. Sers legit, I GET that you THINK you are a badass guy. I GET that you THINK that you could probably control the world by blinking. I GET that you THINK that women as hawt as me and passable as Roxy-

Hmph!

-should have our panties turn into the rainforest over you because of your amazeballs mind, but, as I said before, I have met so many diabolically intelligent mastermind world dominating sleazebags in the last two years that I might as well add your name to TV tropes and get it over with. Because what YOU do, the whole ZOMG IS IZ SO SMRT S-M-R-T routine, is SO played out that not only has Lex Luthor called to have his gimmick back, but he’s actually repossessed your entire soul already. Because while I am something the world has NEVER seen, you are literally just this year’s fourteenth brainiac overlord and, quite frankly, Gabriel Baal did it better.

Ew, bb.

Sad but true! And THAT guy is dead...I think...so I guess that leaves YOU to be the guy who cries while listening to My Chemical Romance with hand hand jerking your 4-incher while the other applies the black eyeliner. Like, legit, right this moment you’re probably screaming out I’M NOOOOOOT OOOOOKAAAAAAYYYYY and then following that up by blogging about how they WILL get back together, damnit, because Gerard told you that as a way to get your fanboy ass bent over and to stop talking to him. And while your dissertation on how ALL our lives are like a Black Parade was no doubt inciteful, the fact is that everyone and their mother would rather wipe their ass with it than have to read it.

Oh! And another thing! A certain birdie told me that half the sponsors for Savage have threatened to pull out of their deals with the XWF after you won that title in the world's most BORING Hell in a Cell there as ever been! Legit, someone who is totes NOT in this car right now told me how he had to beg and plead with both Amazon AND Organic Coconut Bites-

Love those, bb.

-to STAY with the company, and PROMISED them that their worries would soon be over and the WORST Television Champion in the HISTORY of the company would soon be uncrowned. And, lucky for him, that IS going to happen. Because after I beat you clean in the opening round of the March Madness Tournament, the championship committee...which we totes have...is going to INSIST that you face me for your title after I win the tournament and then BLAMO! New champion! So, hold onto that title and keep it warm for me, okay? Because Mama Tournaments is going to go title-shopping after she brings home the trophy, and a Television title isn’t something I’ve had before-

Feel so bad for you right now, bb

-and YOURS would look AMAZEBALLS around my waist. Especially after I get some earrings to match it. OH EM GEE I can’t wait!

So, until then, I’ll be seeing you, Fucktard #2. Kisses!

((Much to the delight of poor Vinnie, who must be regretting hiring his fiance's bat-shit crazy friend, Sar finally drives into a parking lot at Mark 3 and skids to a halt, the driving lesson finished.))

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