Drew Archyle's Bucket List was not a very large one, especially compared to other folks. Take a bath in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, get an audience with the Pope, bang Robert Main's sister Kayla and jump out of an airplane. It was that last one, jump out of an airplane that finds our heroes now deep in the woods of New Zealand "hot" on the trails of world renowned pain in the ass Locksley.


You done puking over there?" Drew asks his partner in crime as he continues to munch on beef jerky like it were the last meal he'd ever eat.

I wasn't puking asshole. I was just getting reoriented with being on the ground and not crashing down to Earth at a rapid pace.

Sooooooooooo you were puking? It's ok Robert, I'm not here to judge you. But we can't be dilly dallying around. No doubt that Locksley asshole booby trapped this place.

How do you know that?

Because that's what I would do and if there is one thing I can sense it's when I'm near craziness and this guy, this guy is a few french fries short of a Happy Meal, savvy? The guy tried to blow us up bro. He wears a mask made of human skin and hangs out in sewers. Booby trapping the woods like this seems like the next logical step for him. Drew says as he bends down to exam the brush on the ground.

What are you doing down there? You look like an idiot.

Wow Robert, that's hurtful. And kinda rude. But I'm studying the ground, the blades of grass, the broken branches, the crushed leaves, I'm trying to see where this guy went. It's called tracking. Maybe you should have read up on the subject instead of spending hours researching our brain dead opponents. Tweedle Double D's and Tweedle Dipshit. Like honestly, what do you really need to say about those two that they can't just say for us? Did you even see their last promo? It was in a word awful. If you want the too long didn't read version, it was, awful. I mean honestly Robert I haven't seen someone self abort like that since the Director's Cut ending of The Butterfly Effect.

Never saw it but I get your point. It was pretty uninspiring to say the least.

Hey Robert you think we'll see Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee while we make our way through these woods?

What are you on about now?

Frodo Baggins and his hetero life partner Samwise Gamgee, The Shire, come on, you've never seen Lord of the Rings either? What is wrong with you?

I've seen it but those are fictional characters. Fictional as in fake. Not real. Make believe.

I can't believe what I am hearing right now Robert. Next you're going to tell me that the Tooth Fairy isn't real and that Saint Nick is actually a serial pedophile named Micheal Graves.

What? Are you fucking with me right now? You have to be.


Drew doesn't respond verbally instead opting for a slight nod and a smile that says "took you long enough."


You ready to go? I'm pretty sure he went that way. Drew points to a dark path off to the left that appears to have some freshly broken branches adorning the ground.

You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about do you? Robert asks as he slips his backpack on and takes a few steps towards Drew.

I do actually. Believe it or not Robert tracking people is something I am extremely good at it. Call it a sixth sense, innate ability or whatever but it's something I can do. And like I said I did a little reading up on it and the terrain out here. You see despite what our opponents would have you believe, I can multi task. I can look for this Locksley cat and beat people in the wrestling ring at the same time. I'm good like that. So good in fact that I've faced 4 Universal Champions in the 9 total matches I've had. All victories mind you. Four. Not one. Not two. Not three. Four. Some men go an entire career and don't face that many Universal Champs. I did it in 9 matches. But I guess that's what they call "cherry picking the matches I knew I'd win" right Bob? Besides those two fools spent like 4 hours walking around a warehouse doing God knows what but they want to complain that our attention is divided? Pot meet kettle much? At least our shenanigans are fun and entertaining. Theirs made me wish my mother had taken a tumble down the stairs while I was in utero.

Drew look out! Robert screams as he dives ontop of Drew sending the two of them crashing into the muck just as a log with spikes coming out of it comes flying through the scene right where Drew was previously standing. The log keeps propelling through the air until it slams into a tree, it's spikes piercing the outer bark of the tree and keeping the lethal log in place.

See. I told you. Booby traps.

That's all you have to say? I just saved your life. You'd be dead right now if I wasn't paying attention.

You right. You right. I'd offer you a cookie but all I have is this beef jerky and some red starburst.

Red you say?

Only the best for my boy Bob. Here have a few.


Drew reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of red starburst and hands them to the XWF Universal Champion.


Did you see that? Drew asks as he points off into the distance to the right of the two men.

No what was it?

I could have sworn I saw someone watching us off in the distance but they disappeared behind that tree line over there.

You think it was him?

Could be. Could also be Gandalf The Gray.

You're an asshole sometimes you know that?

I do. But you would be so lost without me Bob and you know it. Now come on, we got a crazy person to catch.


The dynamic duo continue their journey through the dark woods. It's not actually nighttime but due to the height of the trees there is very little sunlight making it through to the ground. The skies open up and a downpour occurs. It's like Vietnam except instead of Charlies there's hobbits. Possibly.


Stop right where you are! Don't move another inch! Drew shouts at Robert who was about 5 paces in front of Drew about to walk over a patch of dried up leaves on the ground.

What? What is it? Main yells back behind him as he stops dead in his tracks.

Look in front of you, notice anything out of place?

It's dark and it's raining so hard I'm wiping my eyes every two seconds. I can barely see anything at all.

Oh well why didn't you just say so silly? Here.


Drew reaches into his pack and pulls out a pair of night vision goggles and hands them to Rob.


Why do you have night vision goggles?

That's not the right question bub, the right question is "Why don't you have night vision goggles?" I like to be prepared. I have knives, rope, and a flashlight.

So then bust out the flashlight. Why are we skulking around in the dark when you have that?

Gee I don't know Bob. I thought the point was to catch this guy but if you just want to announce to him that we are coming by shining a flashlight in the woods then by all means do so. But can you wait until after we pass this pit of spikes that you almost shish kabobed yourself in? See?


Drew gently kicks some of the leaves over revealing a pit about 8 feet in diameter and maybe 10 feet deep filled with broken tree branches that have been sharped into life ending spikes.


See, if I didn't stop you from plunging to your death you be another sad tragic tale of a celebrity who died a premature death at the hands of a mad man. And if that happened I'd be the only person left to take care of Kayla.

You leave my sister out of this Drew I swear to God!

I'm just saying Bob, you need to remain focused. Focus Bob, focus. That's what is going to cost us against Thing 1 and Thing 2. Or so they say. Focus, have they never seen us wrestle before? I'm guessing not based on the way they are acting but the truth is I could spend all week sleeping and still role out of bed on Wednesday night, step into the ring and wreck shop, you know why Bob?

Is it because you eat your vitamins and say your prayers?

What? No that's silly Bob. I'm not a child. No Bob the reason I can do what I do the way I do it is because when that bell is rung a flip switches in my brain and suddenly crazy, chaotic Drew is fierce and focused Drew. I don't need to spend all week telling people how good I am, or how awesome our bond is, or how good of a team we make. I can do those things, I'm not against it but I don't need to do it like some folks do. I let me body of work speak for itself. And for those who aren't listening or refuse to see it, well, that's unfortunate for them but it's not my problem. If Beavis and Butthurt were smart they'd quick yapping and start training. Maybe they should eat their vitamins and say their prayers because short of divine intervention this match is not going to go the way they have convinced themselves it will. And that's a shame for them I guess but for us it's just another day at the office.


Robert reaches out his fist and Drew returns the gesture with a fist bump of his own. The beautiful kodak moment is short lived however when a loud noise is heard off into the distance followed by bright almost blinding light shining on both Drew and Robert.


What the hell is that?

I have no idea Bob but it's getting louder and louder. I think it's coming toward us.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

And go where? We are in the middle of a booby trapped forest. I can't look for traps and run from whatever that thing is at the same time.

Well whatever we're gonna do we better do it quick cause that thing is hauling ass and we're just standing here like two jerkoffs.

Right right. Uhhhhh....uhhhhhh.....uhhhhhhhh....GET TO THE CHOPPA!!!!

Hey dickhead you made us jump out of a plane already remember? There is no choppa, or plane or anything. Just two assholes in a forest and Locksley bearing down on us.

You're right. Fuck it. Run Forrest!!! RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!


Drew and Robert both drop their packs in unison and take off through the woods like their pants were on fire as the scene fades to black.

To be continued.