I'm pretty proud of this rp but I'd like to know what you all think. Any and all constructive criticism or whatever you feel. I just wanna get better and hoping you're enjoying the story.

http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=32700

2/0/1

I liked this better than the previous one you did (sorry I didn't get around to reviewing it). I like the fantasy element. I'm kind of ignorant on most folk lore, so I'm not sure if your basing this on real folk tales or not. If you are, double bonus points. I think it's cool when people do their homework and incorporate that into their work. It gives it an extra layer of authenticity. With regard to the storyline section, it was serviceable but perhaps you could mix up your word choices a bit. Sometimes it felt kind of rote in places. It's a thin line to be verbose without being overwrought, but I think when you're dealing with fantasy elements like this you can punch up the language a bit to really hit home how strange and alien it is.

As for the promo, one thing I've noticed you doing is that sometimes it feels like you're hitting TOO hard (you did this a lot in your last one). Your character identifies as a face but some of the language you use is abusive and seems distinctly heelish. I'm not saying face characters can't clap back hard, but name calling and the like just seems out of place for Arthur, who is supposed to be college educated. A lot of what you have been writing seems to be pretty reactionary in a sense too, and my rule of thumb when it comes to promos is if your mostly reacting you're probably losing the war of words. Sometimes it comes off so reactionary it almost makes Arthur look shook. Dolly's got the trash talk element down pat I see, so she's a tough opponent admittedly. But yeah, in the future I would recommend Arthur take charge more and go on an intellectual offensive (less name calling, more insightful prodding of an opponent's perceived weaknesses), and definitely don't have him come across so angry and irritated because it's usually not a good look and can paradoxically make one look weak or bothered by an opponent's words.

(02-27-2019, 07:04 AM)Lux Said: I liked this better than the previous one you did (sorry I didn't get around to reviewing it). I like the fantasy element. I'm kind of ignorant on most folk lore, so I'm not sure if your basing this on real folk tales or not. If you are, double bonus points. I think it's cool when people do their homework and incorporate that into their work. It gives it an extra layer of authenticity. With regard to the storyline section, it was serviceable but perhaps you could mix up your word choices a bit. Sometimes it felt kind of rote in places. It's a thin line to be verbose without being overwrought, but I think when you're dealing with fantasy elements like this you can punch up the language a bit to really hit home how strange and alien it is.

As for the promo, one thing I've noticed you doing is that sometimes it feels like you're hitting TOO hard (you did this a lot in your last one). Your character identifies as a face but some of the language you use is abusive and seems distinctly heelish. I'm not saying face characters can't clap back hard, but name calling and the like just seems out of place for Arthur, who is supposed to be college educated. A lot of what you have been writing seems to be pretty reactionary in a sense too, and my rule of thumb when it comes to promos is if your mostly reacting you're probably losing the war of words. Sometimes it comes off so reactionary it almost makes Arthur look shook. Dolly's got the trash talk element down pat I see, so she's a tough opponent admittedly. But yeah, in the future I would recommend Arthur take charge more and go on an intellectual offensive (less name calling, more insightful prodding of an opponent's perceived weaknesses), and definitely don't have him come across so angry and irritated because it's usually not a good look and can paradoxically make one look weak or bothered by an opponent's words.

Yes I do love folklore and I'm a huge nerd when it comes to it. Like D&D and Lord of The Rings. So yes I do do a lot of research when it comes to that. As for the trash talking. I see what you're saying. Less name calling and such. I won't lie. Trash talk is my weakness for sure lol.

2/0/1

Read it over and I have to say, it's quite good. The story is unique and the dialog is engaging, entertaining and it draws you into the conversation. There are some slight spelling and grammar errors but nothing that's too drastic. If anything, I'll mirror Lux by saying that you should attempt to mix up your vocabulary a little more. Also your smack talk does come off as a bit aggressive as well but perhaps, that could be played off by switching Arthur to be more of a grey scale character? Not evil and not always perfectly good. It would explain why he could go off on a tangent like that and still be seen as a hero. Just an idea. Otherwise, I'd suggest that you tone it down a tad and attempt to use more wit and guile with your words, when committing to trash talk in the future.