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Joachim Bright · (08-15-2018)

In lieu of a normal recap, Joachim would just like to remind you that this event transpired....

Quote:Warfare cuts to the back where Jenny is standing in front of Chris and Nazi in the back. She slaps Chris just as the camera cuts to her.

"YOU are the weak link! I am beginning to think that it is YOU! This isn't how it was supposed to go down! I did my part, I beat Madison.....you were supposed to win the briefcase! YOU are supposed to be the one to cash in on Engy and be the next Universal Champion!"

She slaps him again.

"AND YOU!" She looks at Nazi. He looks at her with cold eyes.

"You were supposed to keep your belt and not lose it to some frat boy with limp wrists and stupid catch phrases! WE are supposed to be taken seriously!"

Jenny looks clearly flustered.

"Two weeks ago we held most of the gold in this company! Now what do we have?! Now we have to EARN out respect. Since we don't have gold to fall back on, we have to make people fear us......."

She turns away from Nazi and slaps Chris again. He bites his lip, quivering with anger but doesn't say anything.

"Now...I have a match with Finn. Let me show you two what a VICTORY looks like. Try not to fuck this up....."

She storms out and slams the door.

Nazi looks at Chris.

"She always like this?"

Chris sighs.

"You have no idea."

Oh Chris, you got jokes? I got some too. In fact, I've got.....

[Image: national-geographic-channel.jpeg?w=1100]

PRESENTS

CHRIS CHAOS: IRL

The shot slowly fades to black before reopening in front of a men's room door. A gentle voice over intones over the scene, speaking in that whispery monotone characteristic of nature documentaries. Plus, it's Joachim's boy friend Taye.

Welcome viewers to our special on a rare breed of wildlife, the elusive Chris Chaos. I am your host Brit Glistening. Now, we have tracked Chris to this rest room where....

**FLUSH!**

Oh...we may have an encounter. We have to be very quiet.

**SILENCE**

Perhaps...

**FLUSH!**

Erm, maybe a prolonged stop at craft services is the culprit....

Just then the door is thrown open wide. Joachim Bright strides out like he owns the place, but he looks a bit different. A bit more...chaotic, perhaps? He's wearing a greasy stringy wig of long blond hair and has his eyes taped open to capture that genuine, creepy beady eyed goon lord look that Chris usually covers up with gas station sunglasses. But no, it's all hanging out here, like an octogenarians scrotum at the YMCA.

He's trailing a long strand of toilet tissue stuck to the bottom of his shoe.

WHO'S READY TO BOW DOWN BEFORE ME?!

Ah, finally! A Chaoticera Patheticus in the flesh. I know you can't experience this at home, so let me explain it to you. The musk is absolutely overpowering, even at this distance. A combination of Axe AND Bod Man body sprays, forming a sort of sickly sweet stew that keeps most of humanity at bay. Can you imagine the years of careful evolution that has brought this clever defense mechanism to this point? Let's watch.

Chris walks down the hallway, and we see a cleaning woman passing by, cart before her rattling against the wall. Chris turns to her.

Hey, have you seen...?

The cleaning woman wretches all over the floor and races down the hall in the opposite direction, leaving the cart behind.

Incredible. He's so repugnant that any other living beings are instantly repelled within seconds.

Chris scoffs. She wanted this D. He continues strutting down the hall. Another cleaning woman rounds the corner at the end of the hall but upon seeing Chris she races for the elevator and begins jamming buttons so furiously it reminds you of one of those horror movie scenes with somebody frantically racing against time to escape with a killer bearing down on them. Except in this case it's Chris Chaos and he smells like ass and he's terrible.

Chris decides to take the stairs, and finally he makes it to the lobby. Everyone in the lobby instantly clears out, racing for the nearest available entrances, fighting back waves of vomit.

The military is presently trying to weaponize Chaoticera Patheticus' musk but seeing as how no one can tolerate being in an enclosed space with him, it's been difficult to say the least. Oh, now, what's this?

A woman standing near the breakfast bar turns around dramatically. It's a Colombian prostitute wearing a pink wig and a Pink Perfection t-shirt. You can tell she's a prostitute because she's got some mileage on her. Like Jenny Myst. Without any warning, Jenny lunges at Chris and starts beating him about his head and upper torso!

Oh my word! It's a female of the species, oh this is a special opportunity indeed!

The slaps are largely ineffective, but there's a lot of them so this is clearly a quantity over quality thing. Chris immediately drops to the floor and spreads all of his limbs out!

Chaoticera Patheticus is displaying it's belly in a show of submission to the dominant female. No fight in it at all, no, it just lays down and accepts the beating.

And then Chris' pants start to stain a dark yellow as he writhes about on the floor, creating a lake of piss about himself. (Joachim actually was just handed a cup of orange juice and splashed it on his crotch, we're not gonna OVERCOMMIT here, 'kay?) Jenny just keeps beating him though.

To further display his submission, he has now urinated on himself, but the attack continues undeterred. Perhaps one of his pack members will assist him....?

We quick cut to a spliced in shot of Joachim dressed like a tiki torch bearing Nazi. Nein!

Just as quickly we return to Jenny laying the smack down on Chris.

It would seem the members of Chaoticera Patheticus' pack are really quite useless.

Finally, Jenny starts to get winded and she pulls up a chair from the middle of the lobby, dragging it over to Chris who for some reason has not tried to escape aaaaaand yep, she is now sitting and continuing to bitch slap him and Chris persists in taking the beating. In fact, he pisses his pants some more. (More OJ, it's sticky)

Well now, this is actually starting to get rather sad. Now ordinarily we would just let nature take it's course but I'm not sure I can bear this anymore.

The unseen narrator reaches out within view of the camera to reveal an air horn. He sounds it and Jenny looks up abruptly. The air horn sounds again and Jenny races off, leaving Chris to wallow in his pissy pants and pissy lake that is now encompassing him.

Damn that was pathetic.

Chris looks around fearfully to make sure Jenny has gone, and he gets up to his feet. He puffs out his chest and starts to look proud in the absence of any threats.

Having just been completely publicly humiliated Chaoticera Patheticus now feels a pressing, dare I say instinctual urge, to rectify his own feelings of inadequacy.

I don't suck! Chris calls out to no one in particular, his voice wavering with uncertainty and the barest glint of a tear in his eye. He spots something off camera and races over to it. At the other end of the lobby, and conveniently off camera until just this very moment, is a ballot box that reads XWF Superstar of the Month. Chris grabs the stack of voting sheets and begins scribbling his name on all of them. It's about that time he sees a sign posted conspicuously next to the voting box.

NO CHEATING (that means you Chris!)

Damn it! Hey...uhhhhh, Peter! Come here and vote for me!

We abruptly jump to another spliced in shot of Peter Gilmour making a stupid face. Oh, who are we kidding they're all stupid faces.

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DUUURRRRRR OKAY!

Roll Credits to the sound of Chris getting smacked around by Jenny some more.

////A SHORT TIME LATER/////

We're still situated in the same hotel this spot just took place in, but by this point Joachim is sans Chris Chaos get-up and he's counting out some foreign looking bills to the Colombian hooker who played Jenny. Having counted each one carefully he hands them over to the prostitute.

I just wanted to say that I think no less of you because you're in the sex trade, and thank you for your service.

The prostitute mutters something in Spanish and walks away with her cash.

What did she say?

Taye walks on camera from stage left. She said we're fucking weirdos.

Well she's not wrong. Jo turns to the camera. Hey Chris, did you pick up on why that hurt you so much worse than your dumb dating profile thing hurt me? Because this was rooted in stuff that actually happened.

Wellllll, in fairness to Chris we DID take some creative liberties with the whole pandering for superstar of the month votes thing. I mean, we have no proof he actually did that. In fact, is that even a vote based thing or what? Taye scratches the back of his head and scrunches his face in confusion.

I don't know. But yeah, not gonna lie, we basically made that part up. Plus, think about it, how tragic and sad would it be for someone to go around pan handling for the respect and admiration of their peers? That's something that should just come naturally, right? It's not something you should have to ask for!

Right! If somebody was as great as they say they are, they shouldn't feel the need to ask people for votes. To do otherwise would point to a deep seated sense of insecurity and a tacit acknowledgment that they don't think they have the respect of their peers.

Absolutely, and Chris actually has gotten Superstar of the Month, so why would he feel the need to debase himself that way?

Why INDEED?

Both Taye and Joachim take a long hard look at the camera. Finally, Jo snaps out of it.

Anyway, there's plenty of other dumpster diving to be had here, so let's move on. But let me say this Chris, I don't want to be shitty like this. I really don't. But the fact that you've pushed me to sound even a bit like The Engineer probably says just as much about you as it does me. It especially hurts me to take pot shots at a man who is so clearly a victim of domestic violence. Chris, please talk to someone who cares. You don't have to live with this.

I'm actually being half serious with that. You pick which half though.

Jo starts rubbing his hands together, face brightening like he's about to dive into a succulent steak dinner.

No whammies, no whammies, no whammies....STOP!

He points a finger up in the air and gets ready to RUUUUUMBLE!

You keep talking like Engy, Madison and myself are some cohesive unit, a hive mind of people who think alike and talk alike. When in reality, you're just so paste swallowing dense that anyone who out promos you sounds like some Mensa level genius, so you lump us all together. Chris, if you would pull your head out of your poop chute long enough to have a look around, you'd know that now I have as little to do with Madison and The Engineer as possible. Dude, you even said it yourself....I walked out on The Engineer. Because he's a terrible person, incidentally. So what part of that screams cohesive unit exactly? What part of that screams “I idolize Engy”? How do I get used by someone I literally filed a restraining order against? You have ZERO idea what you're talking about. Maybe watch other people's promo's every once in a blue.

I am my own person Chris. My goal here is completely different from The Engineer's, and yours. I'm not here to jerk myself off and regain some fleeting former glory. I'm here because I want to make the XWF a better place. I'm here because I want to lift this place out of being a cynical dirty cesspool full of selfish losers like you. I want to make it so that rookies like me don't bail on their contracts after a couple matches because they see how toxic it is. Hell Chris, I WANT TO MAKE THIS FUN AGAIN. I want the XWF to live on. I want it to be something special, something inspirational. And it can't do that with parasites like you suck, Suck, SUCKING away at its life blood, adding nothing but more pessimism and self centered bullshit to a card that's already chock full of it.

And then come the gay jokes. Cheap. Predictable. And lame. I've suffered those slings and arrows all my life from worse than you. So let's get it all out there. Blow jobs are great. Giving and receiving. Boy butts are hot. Yes, I've turned tricks in times of desperation. Not proud of it and trying to put it behind me. Yes, I am proudly gay. And maybe that bothers you because I'm not some walking stereotype like Fox News and 4Chan tell you I should be. Oh, and by the way, if you really wanna take pot shots at somebody for engaging in the world's oldest profession, look to your left. No I mean your OTHER left, dummy. Wave hi to Jenny. Yeah, I know her story. Heard all about it from Engy. Glass houses, stone throwing, yadda yadda.

Chris I have so much venom to spit at you because you are the complete antithesis of everything I stand for. You pat yourself on the back for murdering a broken man and then have the gall to say you respected him and did him a favor, like using him as some hollow sacrificial lamb for a group that has ended up filling their bed full of shit never factored into it at all. Chris, you USED him. And you can dress that up all you want. You USED him. And after you used him up you couldn't even be bothered to build something great on top of it. Which leads me to my next point. Taye?

Taye clears his throat, holds up a cue card, and reads from it. You want to throw shots at Empire when you could never qualify to be in our group. Look at us, we are made up of the most dominate people on this roster. What other stable is wreaking as much havoc as we are, instills as much fear in opponents as we do, has accomplished what we have?

Wait for it.....waaaaaaaiiiiit for it......

LOL

Wow Chris. So yeah, what ARE the qualifications for being in your group? Hmmmm? Losing championships just as fast as you win them? That's how Jenny and Nazi got in, I'm assuming. Or maybe snapping up the people you just lost your title to in a pathetic attempt to save face and keep yourselves relevant, which is just about the most obvious, saddest thing I've seen since I came here, and I accidentally walked into BX3's locker room once.

Chris, holding a ton of titles just to lose them all over a matter of a few weeks doesn't show dominance, it shows instability. It shows an inability to run with the ball after you catch it. You had it all then lost it in record fashion. Empire is a flash in the pan, whose power is already waning. And, sorry to beat a dead horse, but when Jenny was having her way with your sense of pride what exactly stopped you from pointing out to her that she lost the Xtreme championship after a couple weeks by getting rolled up by Madison of all people? Maybe you were too worried about flushing all the piss out of your pants to think fast enough on your feet.

That's probably your biggest problem of all. You feel a desperate urge to convince people you're still in your prime, still A-tier, but your best days are far, far behind you. You're a predator in decline bud, resorting to cheap shock tactics like killing Jim and recruiting fascists to try to keep yourself in the game. But all those people talking about you? Those people with your name on their lips? Yeah, you take so much pride in that but when's the last time you actually stopped to LISTEN to what they were saying? Hint bubbie: it's not flattering. It tells a story of a guy who USED to be great, but has now let himself become the butt of locker room jokes. A guy who consistently gets rolled by the REAL top tier guys. A guy that people don't truly respect. A guy who every time he tries to break through that glass ceiling separating the best from the rest, he ends up smacking his head and looking forlornly up at a world he USED to be a part of.

THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE CHRIS. You can say I talk tough for a rookie all you want, but that's the truth of the matter. The only good thing I inherited from my fa- He stops short, wincing. ....from The Engineer is the ability to tell the truth when it comes to assessing another human being. Nothing I just said is a lie. Not a bit of it. And you know it but you're trapped and you can't admit otherwise.

Joachim sighs, suddenly looking exhausted. Taye moves to check on him, but Joachim shakes his head “no”.

I can't do this forever. This bile. It's not me. Not who I want to be anyway. But people like you light my fire. I can't let you stand. I can't let you win. This isn't about me, Chris. This match is about YOU and putting an end to EVERYTHING that you are. Everything that you represent, the sickness rotting out the guts of the XWF.

What happens when you lose? What happens when me...this stick....this nothing....proves that your unrelenting cruelty, your peerless egomania, and your nonstop grandstanding, can't withstand the onslaught of a little boy?

I would say...I would hope....that it would cause you to rethink your life. But let's be real here?

You don't have that in you either.

Joachim sends the camera one last smoldering glance at the camera. Taye is melodramatically fanning himself and looking a little “worked up” by his boyfriend's passion.

So, your place or mine?

Storage closet.

Joachim grabs Taye's hand and pulls him off camera.

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