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Joachim Bright's Dating Profile
08-06-2018, 09:42 PM
Post: #1
[Image: mDN2QsH.jpg]

JOACHIM'S PROFILE:

Seeking fuck buddy

Must be 7’3” or taller, have multiple eyebrows, and handy with a nail gun.

Serious inquiries only.


---Must be okay and non judgmental of a micro-penis. I am sensitive about it. I may not be able to "love" you well, but I can love well. I can love big and hard to make up for the lack of bigness and hardness.

---I am a fan of furries, though too much of a pussy to be one myself. And a pussy as in scared, not like an actual pussy. Cuz that would make me a furry. I am not one. I just like them. They're adorable. Furries accepted, but not reciprocated.

About me:

After a life of frequenting truck stop restrooms, I am now a hermit! I do not like to laugh and I love making people miserable. My walls are black and I have no furniture. I often sit Indian-Style and and chant in the candle light while rocking back and forth. I may not be very athletic, but I am still good with balls. The only thing lower than my standards is my self esteem.

I am outdoorsy in the sense that I like to get drunk on patios and often times vomit after only one or two sips of a strong adult beverage. I am not very strong willed. I like to party like it is 1982, play in my indie-folk band and fart in my sleep. I sell antiques and teach kids how to ski so I can buy things off the dollar menu! I hope you also like to do these things.

The One Thing You Want Date to Know: I have channeled my daddy issues into perfecting the blowjob and reverse cowperson (I can't say girl because that would be libalist and sexist and I am so far left I fall off the map). I also like to use words I don't know and have to google most of the things I say in order to properly use them in context.

Ethnicity: I am not sure. I am kind of a mutt. I think I am part Cassowary because when something annoys me I throw my arms out and make a whining noise, then chase you down the street. Also, I am Mexican.

PS. My mentor Madison told me to put this profile out there because I won't meet anyone my age on club Penguin.

Interests/Dislikes: I already covered furries above. Love em. I am not down to earth at all, honestly. Despite dressing like an emo scene kid whose parents had money so I am not quite as greasy as the other goths, I am not down to earth at all. I don't like drinking. My father used to drink and I still have trouble sitting down because of it. I have trust issues, too. If you don't respond to my texts I will show up to your house at 3 am crying and trying to break in. I hate bicycles, the beach, sunshine and parks. I hate cider. Won't allow it in the house.

Interests, that is a tough one, I am pretty boring. I am really good at grocery shopping very selectively, browsing the internet anonymously and misusing the concept of irony. I guess I could say I love snakes. I am one, my father was one, my former friend and mentor is one. I love snakes. I have four goals in my life I suppose I could list as interests.

1. To hold a massive boa, python or anaconda.
2. To be eaten by a a python, boa or anaconda (in that order for the eating)
3. To have insects on my body naked.
4. To be beaten up.

I am kind of a weirdo.

When I was a little boy I shoved a rock up my nose and I couldn't get it out for a few months. Low and behold all I had to do was blow my nose. I still have the rock and I am still quite good at blowing.

Your ideal match: If you are a girl, you should message me if you smell like peanut butter or diesel.

My self summary: Well, where to begin. Lets see. I am a proud conservative American and brony (male My Little Pony fan). I work very hard to enmesh the philosophy of Ayn Rand within the framework of tolerance and love espoused by Pink Pie and Friends. I also pretend to be a professional wrestler, come see me at a show but don't be surprised if I am sporting a different novenclature at the time. I am something of an intellectual, and would love to discuss politics or cartoons with somepony near me in the future. Please understand that if we were to meet, I AM THE MAN in the relationship. I am currently trying to finish my E-B0ok, first draft with no forward, entitled "Serfdom in Equestria", an expose on the liberal agenda slowly eroding freedom in the My Little Pony Universe.

So if you think you can handle me, send me a message and lets chat!

PSS--Don't be mean, I cry easily.


"What is this shit? Babe you see this?!"

Jenny was scrolling through some shitposting feeds on her iPad, just to waste time, and she came across the profile. She liked to go on and troll these lonely souls, suck them in then spit them out. Make them feel hope, for once, then crush them in one fell swoop. Pure evil.

Chris was sitting on the porch of his hotel, smoking a cigar and taking in the Bogata scenary. He was swirling his drink in his cup. This was a good time for him. He finally felt whole again. He finally felt like he was closer to the Universal Title he felt he was robbed of. He felt like he needed a few more wins and would keep doing his thing, sitting back and waiting to see what unfolded with Main and Engy. Then, he would swoop in and take it. He deserved it. Who else on this roster could say they did?

He made a slurp noise as the tequila and ice touched his lips.

He heard Jenny rambling about something and ashed his cigar, planning to come back to it after. His knees cracked as got up and opened the slider door. She was laying on the bed, on her stomach, her iPad propped up on a pillow. Her eyes were wide, and a smile laced her beautiful face.


"Look at THIS!"

Chris looked at it and immediately began to laugh, asking "Really?!"

They both sat on the bed and read over the profile. It was long, much longer than it needed to be, and most of it was incoherent psycho-babble bullshit. Real Dexter Not-So-Bright shit.


"I knew the little bastard was lonely, but holy hell. He has really hit rock bottom huh? Too bad I am going to have to beat him into submission this week, I almost feel bad for the dude."

Jenny rolled her eyes.

"You feel bad for this tall glass of poop juice? He has the body of a 12 year old boy and the emotional state of a 12 year old girl. He is literally a child. There is nothing about him that screams intimidating at all. I want you to crush him on Wednesday."

Chris thought about the Columbian crowd that was going to be in attendance. He thought about how he was going to make this stick figure cry in front of some of the most ruthless people in the world. It made him smile. He was the bad guy and beating up on this little turd with a head too big for his body would ingrain that. He would embrace the role of the bad guy, because even the devil himself was an angel once.

[Image: KBN11k6.jpg]

"Joachim, who are you? Such a tough talking chest puffing session from someone who walked out on their partner not too long ago. Someone who talks like a seasoned veteran but is nothing more than a rookie wearing beer goggles. The world isn't a reality to you, Jo. It is a blur of hopes and dreams with the cover of your heritage. You see, you're nothing but a bad memory. A love child that isn't loved. A medicine induced mistake. You are nothing but the crusty remains left in a peirty dish that came in handy because nobody uses sperm banks anymore. You had such big words for such a little man. You're the forgotten foster kid who we are supposed to cheer for because we feel bad. You are no hero, no good guy, just some fag in a plaid shirt who made his life hitch-hiking and blowing truckers for money to buy a soda. THAT is who Joachim Bright is. So this is your 4th match here? Great. Nobody even remembers that you had one. I am going to put you on the map. You finally have some real competition, slim jim. You finally have someone who is going to test you, to show everyone what you are truly made of. If Jochim going to last here? Or will his 4th match be his last match? That is what is at stake for you. Call me all the names you wish, but the truth is I bury people.

Literally, just ask Jim.

Everybody here seems to think I am the pariah because I ended Jim Caedus. Everyone seems to hate me. Your entire camp.....and it is clear your camp has rubbed off on you. All of you have the same insults. The same generic shots, using fancy English, masquarading as intelligent and bordering on crazy. You sound no different than Madison. No different than Engy.....in fact, you talk so much like him.....you should be yourself Jo. You should be your own person. You want to talk about feeding ego's? You're the new mouthpiece in crazy town because Engy has his hands full with Greasy Bangs Main and nobody takes Madison seriously anymore. You're a pawn in the chess game. You really don't understand how they work, do you? Of course not, you're merely a child. When they no longer need you, they will cast you out like a leper. You're a waste of air, skin, space and time. A real thunder cunt of a motherfucker. You're the only cuck in this situation because you are getting fucked around by two uncaring men who really don't care if you live or die. You're being used and you're too dumb to see it. You'd think with you're genes you've have some shred of intelligence.

I guess the apple falls further from the tree than previously anticipated. You want to throw shots at Empire when you could never qualify to be in our group. Look at us, we are made up of the most dominate people on this roster. What other stable is wreaking as much havoc as we are, instills as much fear in opponents as we do, has accomplished what we have? Our resumes combined could buy out the wrestling hall of fame. I have made a career of making rookies like you, made a career of putting them on the map.

Maybe you should get back on speaking terms with Engy, because you try to act so much like him.

"Good god you are just the worst." Who does that sound like? You embody him, you idolize him, but your pride won't let you show it. Your mannerisms, the way you weave through a promo with unwarranted venom. You can't channel it like he can, but I'll give you an A for effort, little one.

You're right, a human being died, but you said it yourself, he was a broken man. The walls were closing in on Jim. The wheels were coming off, he was coming unglued. If anything, I did Jim Caedus a favor. As much as I hated him I respected him, something I don't get from you. You don't respect me because you're just a punk kid trying to make a name for yourself in a business you're not ready for. You've underwhelmed in the ring, unwhelmed on the mic, and now suddenly you want to take a shot at the top dog here? Smooth move, X-Lax. I am going to put you on the map like Usher did Justin Bieber, then ruin your career like Selena Gomez did.

You called me every name in the book and said I am bad at being the "bad guy". On the contrary, little one, I think I am doing quite the good job. You are talking about me, are you not? If I sucked so much as the top villain on this roster you wouldn't utter my name because it wouldn't matter. I'd get about as much press as guys like Ghost Tank or Mezian. Forgotten names of people who suck at what they do. Me, I am the best bad guy you're ever gonna see.


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Peter Fn Gilmour (08-07-2018), Darius Xavier (08-15-2018)
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