Son of a bitch! That stupid, bald, , golem beat me. Now here I go tumbling back even further down the already shit ladder I was on before, and here they go teasing me with a shot at the TV title. I have never held it and that's the title that gets you in. I need it! I want it! But, like always I am on the cusp of getting it. If I can't pull this off I might as well hang it up.

Order! Order in the court! Mr…….Random? What on earth are you talking about? You're here being tried for sixteen counts of murder. Now, I'll ask again how do you plead?

Your honor, my client pleads not guilt….

Oh no, I did that shit, but if I may your honor, I was under the effects of an unknown substance given to me by an unknown man. I was fighting for my life in there, your honor if you move to convict then you by all counts are failing our beautiful justice system. I mean what kind of world do we live in that a plain white male can’t do a few drugs and murder a few actors dressed as knights? I ask you is this not what our founding fathers had in mind for this great country? If you convict me you are spitting on their graves and is that what you want?

That's enough! Mr.Random I move to convic……

Did I mention I am white?

All charges dropped!

The courtroom erupts with anger as Random’s verdict is handed out. Chairs, papers, and fists begin to fly. The courtroom turns into South Central Los Angeles during the Rodney King riots. Random casually stabs a man in the throat as he walks out of the courtroom like Moses parting the Red Sea.

Several days later.

We find Random deeply scavenging the jungles of Mexico with a marine platoon.

Alright boys you know the mission, find anyone infected with Cate Indigo disease and eliminate them. Now don't go getting all cry baby on me, these are no longer people, they're far from it. Now be careful you don't want to get bitten by the one of the infected. The symptoms act fast, you'll immediately go numb and start frothing at the mouth, then you'll rise back with your face peeling off from the chin up. Next you'll start babbling nonsense and have a craving for penis. Finally, the final symptom……

Ok, while I'm ecstatic that I've been placed in a number one contenders match, I have to say that I'm getting pretty damn sick of being thrown into the opening matches against proven failures and new hires that need a win. I’m not getting the respect that I deserve, and it's high time that something changes. A couple of weeks ago I lost to Drezdin. That's like the absolute worst thing that can happen to a guy around here! Sure, he only beat me by using all of his vast strength to wildly lunge into the cage wall and knock me down, but he still won and that's another problem. I haven't been living up to my full potential lately. I'm an alien for gods sake. That means that I'm automatically better than most of the roster because duh, humans suck at everything. So I'm putting Cate Indigo and the rest of the roster on notice right now! I am coming for all you harder than a rhino’s dick. I am from another planet motherfuckers I could burn this shit to the ground if I wanted too. I am here for one thing and one thing only, eternal wrestling glory! See, back on my planet we only got one earth channel, you wanna know what that channel was? The XWF! So all of my life I have dreamed of coming to earth and taking the XWF by storm, unfortunately the only thing I have done is a bunch of drugs, rapes, murders, and cleaned up the scrubs at the bottom. I am done with all that, well not the rapes, drugs, and murders, but I am done with the scrubs. N.A.Z.I, after I beat this no name, fresh out of grade school having ass bitch, I am coming for you. Now Cate Indigo you may very well go on and have a glorious career here in the XWF, but not with me in your way. I don't care if you go around and beat everyone else, you could even win the XWF championship, but I’ll either be retired or gone. You ain't doing any of that shit while I am here. I haven't done too much yet, I've been here a while and I don't have much to show for it, but that ends unfortunately your my sacrificial lamb in all of this. I am going to hurt you so badly you may not wanna come back, this is a new season of the Random show all new and all different, and unfortunately for you sweetheart your pilot is about to be cancelled. Now while I am talking to you directly what the fuck are you about to do? Eat a penis? Nah, let me tell you straight up you don't want them problems. Trust me I've been there. They're more chewy than a well done steak, no matter how much you clean it your not going to get out all of the semen, and overall they taste bad, and if you're going to do it and not take my advice DO NOT GET A BIG ONE! You'll be chewing on that fuck stick for weeks, you'll miss our damn match, and I want you hundred for our match. If you have to do some weird bullshit witchcraft with anything I suggest a nice goat penis. Those fry up nicely.

Private! Shut the fuck up! Now everyone keep quiet and move out.

The marines start their trek through the jungle. They cut through heavy brush and tread through murky swamps always keeping their heads on a swivel for the infected. They come to a clearing and the commanding officer issues a rest.

Alright ladies take five. We should be getting close so keep your eyes peeled….

Just then from the bushes a human like figure jumps on the commanding officer clawing and biting at him.

I've been bit! Get it off of me!

Random emerges from the crowd of terrified marines. He raises both of his M60 machine guns and rips apart the infected and his officer. Everything becomes quiet and the marines inspected the body.

Holy shit look at that!

Just like the sarg said, but look at that!

Where is his penis?

Oh my god! Its...its…coming out of his ass.

A marine throws up. The bushes start moving again like before. A marine is grabbed into the forest, marines begin opening fire into the tree line.

Seize fire!

The previously grabbed marine walks out from the forest several minutes later. His clothes have been torn to shreds, he picks his head up revealing the skin falling from his face.

The Cate Indigo got me!!!! Please, please kill me.

Before anyone takes a shot another marine points something out.

Look! What's happening to him?

The marines look in terror as his penis beings to violently quiver, it slowly starts to retract back into itself till there's nothing left. A loud pop happens and the infected marine drops to his knees and falls forward revealing his dick is now sticking out of his ass.

Oh my god! Someone see if he's still alive.

A marine walks over to the body and kneels down beside it.

He smells like literal shit. This Cate Indigo is nasty, but yeah I think he's dea…..

The infected marine pounces on him and hundreds more of the infected pour out of the jungle.

Fire!!

An epic scene unfolds as marines and infected do battle. Explosions and bullet pour out from the marine ranks, but the infected become to much and start over running the marines. As the smoke clears the infected roam around looking for a human host. Random appears from behind a tree.

Sorry about that I had to piss, what did I miss?

The infected lock their eyes on Random.

Well fuck.

Random drops his guns, picks up dirt from the ground and smears it on his face. He rips the sleeves off his uniform. Next he drapes his M60’s ammo around his torso, and finally wraps a red bandana around his forehead. Random picks up his guns and begins firing as the infected swarm towards him.

The screen goes black.