We open on a beautiful, verdant beach.



There you go, now you know what a beach looks like. Sand between your toes, a refreshing blast of mist off the gently rolling salt water, the uninterrupted warmth of the sun's rays reminding you why it's so good to be alive....

...and the ghost of Jim Caedus hitting a one armed Zangief style spinning piledriver on a hammerhead shark.



Now you know what that looks like too. Please don't tell me you're one of those scrubs that only plays Mortal Kombat. Anyway, with the shark's face thoroughly broken and the shark almost assuredly dead, the ghost of Jim Caedus starts walking up the beach towards Engy. Jim is dragging one of his scorched arms by a lone wiry thread of sinew and his bearded countenance is just pure fury. Engy on the other hand is lounging on a blanket with sea shells on it, reading a paperback copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie.

GOD FUCKIN' DAMN IT 'ENG, LOOK WHAT THAT SHARK DID TO MY ARM!! The ghost of Jim Caedus proffers up his nearly detached arm which continues to hang limply.

Engy considers it a moment before looking up at Jim. Did you pildrive a shark?

YES! I can also fight bears!

Sometimes I kinda think it might be a good thing you're dead. Well hell, I don't know man why don't you....

Jim rips the arm off and tosses it into the water. Fuck it, it'll grow back.

Snapping his book shut, Engy smiles up at his spiritual advisor. Problem solved! Just then, a loud snore draws his attention to the blanket to his left, where Madison Dyson is passed the fuck out. Next to her is an empty, upended, bottle of gin. Also, her flesh is lobster red with severe sunburn.

Jim cants his head in her direction. Think she'll be alright?

Yeah, she'll be fine. I don't even think I could wake her if I tried. Hey, I just realized we're like 3 days out from Warfare and I still haven't even checked the card! I'm sure I have absolutely nothing to worry about though.... Engy prattles on as he picks up his phone and starts punching his thumbs on the keys. I mean, it's not like they can find any real competition for me, it's just like I saAAAAAAAAAAHHHH OH FUCK OH HOLY FUCK!

Jim leans in with a start. What bro?!

Engy, eyes wide with fear, stares at the screen on his phone. Jim sniffs a couple times, and cranks his features up with disgust. What's that smell?

I just bricked my swimmy trunks.

It can't be that bad!Jim goes to take the phone from Engy, but his ghostly hand just passes right through it. He rolls his eyes with annoyance and gestures for Engy to turn the phone around so he can see it. Don't think too hard about why he could pick up the shark earlier and not this phone.

Engy shows him the phone and Caedus reads the card, his face soon going grave. Oh wow.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're fucked, son.

I know, right? Engy sets the phone down and looks directly at the camera. Okay guys, very funny. Ha ha. Engy bitches about the level of competition so let's throw him in against Drezdin....**ahem**, I'm sorry MOTHERFUCKING DREZDIN, SLAYER OF MEN! Engy shakes his head, looking incredulous. Do you seriously have that little regard for the health and well being of your champion? The face of your brand? I mean, do you know what this guy does to people? He's a fucking MONSTER...an ANIMAL!

One time, I saw Drezdin face a rookie. All Drezdin had to do was step in the ring and say “run” and the kid voided every orifice he had and ran screaming for his mommy.

I heard one time that an angry promoter tried to “SWAT” Drezdin, you know like when people call in the SWAT team on people for no reason? They dispatched the SWAT team to Drez's house and no one ever heard from them again except Drezdin showed up at the next show in one of their trucks.

Jim slaps his knee and holds up his hand. Oh bro, that's nothin'. You know what else I heard? I heard one time a guy handcuffed Drezdin in a hardcore match, and Drez bit through his own wrist, curled up all the fingers on his severed hand into a punch and beat the guy to death with it.

Whoa, did they reattach the hand?

Jim looks at Engy quizzically. Uhhhh, he has two hands, are you 'tarded again or something?

Engy nods and points at Jim. Good point, earned that one. But anyway man, what am I gonna do? I'm still technically undefeated in singles competition in the XWF. I was really planning on it staying that way but now....

Look 'Eng, undefeated streaks don't last forever. That's why they're called “streaks” and not “indefinites”, ya know? You should probably just make peace with that and call it a wash if you walk out of there without getting your rectum pulled up over your forehead like the world's worst/best atomic wedgie. Jim takes a seat next to Engy, in between him and Madison. Jim sniffs a couple more times.

I know, I know, I'll go wash my pants out in the water.

Caedus shakes his head. 'Nah man this isn't shit. It smells like....like...bacon? He turns to Madison. I think she's having a medical emergency.

Madison moans softly in her drunken state. Engy shrugs it off once more, instead looking directly back at the camera again. Hey Drez, I know this is probably falling on deaf ears, but I figure its worth a shot. Please don't kill me. I know, on paper, that your record isn't the greatest but I'm sure at least 900 or so of those losses are because you just straight up murdered somebody with your teeth like Conan the Barbarian after a bath salt bender and got DQ'ed.

Jesus fucking CHRIST, by the way.

But seriously though, I still have a lot to live for. I'm a father (sort of). I donate to charity (hookers). And I have lots of friends (a ghost).

Engy stops to consider the ramifications of what he just said.

Actually, maybe now's a good time to punch out. KIDDING! Heh heh heh....I don't want to die. But I'll do you a solid. I'm pretty sure this ISN'T a title match. I mean the card's kinda ambiguous, it could be a big deal championship bout despite clearly and boldly stating it's a CURTAIN JERKER INVITATIONAL with no mention of the title being on the line ANYWHERE, but it's still a bit murky, no?

So here's the deal. If you let me live, I will give you an honest to God Universal Championship Main Event Title Match. For reals. I figure you're as good as any, who else are they gonna throw at me, fuckin' PESTALANCE?

SHOTS FIRED SHOTS FIRED WEEEOOOOO WEEEEEOOOOOOO!

This is normally the part where I'd talk a lot of trash, but considering I'm pretty sure you could already accurately find and remove my spleen with little effort, I'm not gonna poke this particular giant any further than I already have. Drezdin, God speed you absolute fucking leviathan, I am at your whim and mercy. Engy dramatically screws his head around to look at Madison. That bitch smells like bacon!

Told you!

Engy gets up and shakes some of the shit out the leg of his swim trunks before picking up the towel and whipping it around into a well honed instrument of destruction. Jim chuckles and shakes his head. 'Eng, that's just cruel.....

Engy winds up with the towel, bringing it back and then cracking it against Madison's beat red sore ass. Madison bucks and shoots up, opening her mouth to unleash the mother of all screams but right before we hear it....

FIN!